Mao

4 years ago, I was 16y, at that time I didn't know what is meditation let alone enlightenment, I also didn't have any interest in anything spiritual nor cared. On night I was chilling at home and suddenly out of nowhere .. I wasn't there but everything else was, I can't explain it any better.. I was absent but the world was there, I don't know for how long, there was no time, it was instant and eternal at the same time, and suddenly my sense of self is back, but my constant flow of thoughts was gone, my internal voice was gone. Needless to say I freaked out, but surprisingly I wasn't afraid, I felt absolutely no fear, anxiety was gone, self criticism was gone, my body moved like it moved itself, and when I talked my words spoke themselves, I felt absolutely liberated from everything. But I felt strange, so I tried to generate some mental noise, but no matter how hard I tried my head was blank, I immediately rushed out the apartment, and I was so mindful, so here and now, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get lost in thoughts or daydreams, for some reason this was an issue at that time, a frustrating one. But I didn't feel any frustration at all, I didn't feel anything at all really, I was just "blank", a stable unmovable blank. I could hear my self whispering to me every couple minutes but the voice was so quiet I could barely hear it, I was screaming to myself like if I was going to die, but the voice sound was so low, almost fading. This continued until suddenly I hear the thought "hit your head" and immediately I started hitting my head like crazy, and in about 5-10 minutes of me hitting my head the mental noise I am used to gradually rose, "I" or "the voice" was very satisfied, and so I went to bed and woke up the next day to my internal voice which was very happy I jumped Out of bed in joy. Okay there's something fishy here no doubt, it's almost like I possess this living organizem, like a demon or something.. oh fuck.

I used to have crippling anxiety I still can remember the feeling, I just wanted to escape my life, and meditation gave me that, so I used it for escapism until I experienced the bliss that comes with mindfulness, when it hit me I realized this new realm of possibility, everything changed. But then bipolar hit me and I started drowning in an endless spiral of misery until recently I had my first glimpses of enlightenment, for once in a very long time I felt liberated for my self, it might be a self-deception tho because I was about to commit suicide and I couldn't bullshit myself anymore so my mind had to do a trick it never did before, or maybe it was real bliss idk, either way it worked. Needless to say I still get bipolar depression physical symptoms (including the dark thoughts and dull mind) but for some reason reason it doesn't bother me much anymore, even anxiety doesn't bother that much anymore, don't get me wrong I still have to do so much work to balance my brain chemistry, correct my thoughts, cultivate awareness, etc. But my god it's so much better now. This is unnecessarily long, but I ain't deleting ?

Hey everyone, so.. as the title suggest my relationship with my mind isn't going as I like it to be, our relationship is a one where I fill the role of a stupid naive little me, and my mind fills the role of an abusive manipulative partner, I can't focus, I can't take decisions as frequent as I want, I can't even do what I want to do with my life freely without being fucked in the ass every step of the way, so.. my question is Where should I start with my quest to tame my mind? Should I start with building concentration through practicing Samatha? Should I start by developing mindfulness? Should I start by setting a schedule setting goals and a intentions, learning some behavior modifications methods? Ps. Personal experiences are most appreciated, thanx.

I don't think the person would be able to think given that we think using language and images, but sure the person would be as aware as the sofa I'm sitting on.