Phrae

@Pelin Hehehehe Diablo :P. It had a very big influence on me as a child. All my uncles played the game and being young I was a complete noob. Good job on your 15 days .

@Pelin I think there are very few people that I would talk about this. I am in Islamic country and it's just assumed that you believe it. If the conversation about belief starts it would be because I initiated it. I'd initiate if I see value in doing that. I'm curious about being asked what my beliefs are. I do think I'm going to be repulsed at "what is this new age sh--". I would rather be honest. I don't like myself when I lie. I would rather explain it honestly. In a sense any time you lie you "bend" yourself. You're implicitly telling yourself my views don't matter. It's better to be polite and not piss them off. Why hide your authentic self for the sake of them? I think I would lie about my faith right now. I would need to achieve my financial independence to be as careless as I want to be. Careless being another word for being me.

I'm meditating for an hour. I think it helps with processing something. I probably need to examine this fucking belief cause it's so insidious, or maybe not. It still entails that I have to be meditating 100% correctly and I'm not after a current experience. I am not after a state. I am after a capacity that I can't have now so I don't need to bother with it? fuck.

God. I had a pretty interesting conversation with my family. I think I have quite more calmness than most atheists. Probably the result of being exposed to Leo and Enlightenment stuff. I don't feel very ready about talking about my atheism. I can talk about it definitely, but I don't want to end up entrenching the person I'm talking to deeper into their beliefs. I do take the words "nothing is true" quite literally. I don't know why I do that. Leo told me that you can't prove anything. I believed it. I still believe it. I have some ideas of how I'm going to reach that if I think for myself. I'm not comfortable pushing my "beliefs" about the non-existence of something because I can't prove it. How do I know there is no god? Because I don't have enough evidence and I've decided to believe that. I think atheists generally don't like to look at their non-belief as another belief. Counter intuitively, I think having this kind of attitude, if developed correctly, can have a more powerful impact. I merely need to imprint an attitude of questioning. That has to be appealing I think. There are 2 reasons you're a theists. You like god and fear him, or a combination of one without the other. People usually don't want their pristine majestic thought of god to be gone. It's sad. People don't want to feel sad. I need to give them a reason to want to feel the sadness because there is something better at the other end. I'm not in a quest for atheism, but if I see at some point that someone needs a skeptical attitude to push at what they want to accomplish in life, I want to be ready to offer my service. I understand theism. I can easily imagine programming being installed. I've been quite the naturalist when I was a kid. When I was a kid I would think of how I might've possibly been different. A lot of kids go through this. I don't remember what it's called. What if I were raised in a different place? I would have a completely different attitude and personality. I don't think that extended to god. I did empathize with Christians. They were raised in a different place how was it fair that they would go to hell. I was never satisfied with that decision. I did a lot of thinking about how god thinks. Apparently the more you tried to understand why somethings are dictated it's because he's a mysterious guy. Every attempt to justify his actions is a step deeper into his majestic display. Ludicrous. The more you can't explain him the more powerful he is. Apparently a lot of atheists reach a conclusion of "How could they lie to me? How could they fool me?" What are you talking about? They're fooling themselves. How the fuck are you angry? I do feel quite pissed when people get angry at theists. It's fucking stupid. There were circumstances that led up to that. You're complaining about fucking gravity. But again, isn't complaining about anything like the complaint about gravity? Isn't the belief in physical reality just as unjustifiable? Why does this attitude not extend to other things? I seem to have conveniently found a point that I don't get to push my beliefs in other people. In other words, a way to be politically correct without the urge to feel polite. A free ticket to politeness. Yeah that's what it fucking is. I am uncomfortable pushing my beliefs into others because I have found some ideas about Enlightenment. Enlightenment doesn't mind falsehood. "Nothing is wrong in the universe, not even thinking that something is wrong." - Jed McKenna. How fucking dedicated I am to that fucking attitude? I should be okay with pushing my own self agenda. It's not wrong. I need to reach some temporary resolution about this. I don't like operating spontaneously. I care about the outcomes around me. The way I change people around me is something important to me. I grow myself 10 times and I like to grow people around me as a bonus. It sounds lame and boring. What am I talking about? Growing in what sense? I think it's being critical and aware of their own attitude. Realize what they really want and question the goals they have and the things they're doing. A lot of my friends play video games. I'm going to be honest and say that it makes me angry. They're not dedicated to self growth as I am. To what self growth? I think I need to come up with an exact definition otherwise I end up in vagueness. Vagueness has a hard time manifesting. You don't know what the fuck you want to manifest so how come you want to manifest it? Self growth is the increase of awareness and the realization of ones true motives. It is the ability to align your self with your truest motives by the usage of awareness. You do that by questioning what is going on in your life. Why are you doing what you are doing? What do you want here? I've mentioned telling a couple people about me reading books. I can now tell them this. I want to find out what I really want. To question what I'm doing in my life and then use whatever resources available to me to do what I want. If I don't have some resources then the goal becomes cultivating these set of resources. Topics: Nothing is true? How? Do you see that? Don't give yourself the benefits of the doubt. Faith is pointless. Isn't complaining about anything like the complaint about gravity? Insights: -- I should be okay with pushing the non-belief belief (no god) because it is not wrong. It is not any more or less wrong than being a theist. (I'm more comfortable with saying that than actually know it. I don't know how everything is the same really.)

Having goals serves two purposes. To see if you want to them or if you don't want to and the other is to do them. A lot of times I don't want to do something right now. I have a lot of vague goals as well. You can watch Leo's guide on goal setting. It's really resourceful and I recommend having some version of that attitude. Clarify what you're doing the goal for. Why are you working on this goal rather than the other? Sometimes you'll work on something for a long time. There can be a lot of drama. You're not sure why you're in this anymore. Leo talked about how existential crisis can happen. It's okay for you to stop doing a goal that you had. You probably weren't clear on your reasons in the first place. Every time you stop, you skip, it's because you didn't think it was important. It's like gravity. It had a cause. The ball fell because there was nothing obstructing. Sometimes a goal is very important to you, but you're not conscious of the importance. You're have to clarify why and bring the reasons to your awareness. I think quitting video games will come more easily to you if you think about what you want to do in your life. I quit in an instant. I was constantly thinking what I'm doing with my life when I was playing video games. It did dawn on me that I have to choose between perfecting my video games or perfecting something in life. I still don't know why I quit. I am looking for something. I'm looking for value. In a sense I didn't start "doing nothing" when I quit. I started doing all of life more. Isn't that another way to put it? When you do nothing aren't you putting more of you into being aware of what's going on. Doing nothing is doing something with emptiness maybe. Sorry for the long rant. Just sharing what I've been thinking about lately.

It is very very simple and you already know it. It is something that would be an exaggeration to be surprised about. It's that much that you already know it. You cannot find it. It is there always. Just that says a lot about the atitude you should take about it. You go there, you see it and come back with only one difference. Now, your body mind knows it. It believes it like it believes sense perception exists. I do like to intellectualize quite a lot. Your desire for truth has to be greater than the need to intellectualize. At the same time what do you have a desire for? You have a deep desire for something you fooled yourself you don't know yet you know it more than anything. You have to have a deep desire to get something that is outside what you conventionaly now know. Can you sit there and believe nothing is going to happen but I am absolutely intentful to break this? It takes a courage to make that decision with a promise to yourself that you will not be sitting and blessing out for the sake of having intended to break it.

Talking and Enlightenment constituents issue: I think it's sticking today because of the contrast I had. I haven't gone out with my friends in a while and I started feeling more awkward talking to people in my university. I was thinking that I was getting rusty because I'm focusing on other things but I don't think that's an accurate way to put it. It was more that I was concerned about other things, things very far from your normal conversation. The question of what I should do with my life is not the easiest point to start from. I've spent a long time with one of my friends and after a while it started to get going. It was so simple. I was kind of surprised, but I shouldn't be perhaps. We're talking about things that we examined through the news. Videos we watched. Opinions that were had and what we thought in response. It was mere relaying of the inside of our minds about something typical. That's the entire point. Find something typical and not so radical opinion of it. Of course this is regular casual conversation. It's not something that you necessarily want to have as the set point for someone. I think if you're self actualization you should be thinking about moving things forward. Examining your opinions. Apparently I'm calling this the first level of going meta. The second level consists of the realization of the illusory nature of duality, that nothing we say it is. So here's the paradigm. It starts with typical opinion about typical things. Then an examination of that opinion and the opinion of the opinion and so in. Then we examine whether any argument is valid at all in the first place. I seem to have made the mistake of jumping to the second meta quite casually. I always reminded myself of the emptiness of any meaning when I tried to go through the first stage. That meant seeing invalidity of having an opinion and not caring to get into what I though about my situation. I told myself how that doesn't matter. I don't think I have a right to that. Just because I have some ideas that a person told me about the nature of duality doesn't permit to act as though I believe it. Ken Wilber mentions there is no difference before and after satori at all. The only difference is that the body mind now knows it. The body mind of mine doesn't know it, but I already know it. Basically I'm making myself more awkward when I'm not having an opinion because I think having an opinion is meaningless. What about the meaninglessness in the thought of having an opinion as meaningless. That is pretty fucking valid. I can engage in low conscious behavior and do what other people around me are doing. I just need to realize that's not the goal for me. I am here with sharp awareness and all I'm going to do is witness. If emptiness is there then I have to see it. I'm not taking it on faith. Fuck taking it on faith. So enjoy. Enjoy talking about stupid shit. Just be certain that when push comes to shove you're going to reveal what you don't know. With the belief that it's not more than any other person. They just don't know it. It doesn't make you have to pretend awkwardness in order to lessen the severity of what you are saying. Fuck that. I do guilt myself quite a lot whenever I'm shallow. I'm doing that at the expense of learning how to be normal. It might be a good idea for another person to guilt themselves about the shallowness in their daily life to get them doing something different, but to me, I need to stop reminding myself of the shallowness to actually get going. The shallowness of the belief of shallowness is also valid from the second meta perspective. I probably should write this 10 times again if I want to get "decently" clear about this. It's not clear at all here. I love doing a lot of digestion compared to devouring. Devouring is not a good strategy for learning. I can tell you the hours of videos I watched that I can't tell you a single sentence about. I want to grow and I'm looking into the best possible method available to me. That's all that matters. I'm an upward trajectory. Everything in the way is there to maneuver around or completely destroy. Regardless if it's satori or not. I am not quite fixated in that opinion though. I've read a lot posts than I usually read on this forum today. I found out how prevalent Spiral Dynamics is. It is actually fucking subsumed. It's quite ridiculous that you assume that others know it as well. Is that part of being a certain stage as well. I'm very very very very fucking curious about it now. It's quite funny how you can reach a "ready" point to somethings. A month ago I was thinking about how I "had" to read Ken Wilber's books in Leo's book list. Right now I feel like I made a mistake of not ordering it. I say I'm ready because I'm seriously considering Enlightenment and Life Purpose at the same time. Life Purpose doesn't necessarily identify as a specific quadrant on the four quadrants but it can be a road to emotional well being. I'd rather call it emotional mastery. Well being sounds like coping out. Road to getting out of problems rather than seeing them for what they are. If I'm quite frustrated I ONLY NEED TO BE AWARE OF THAT. That is a very calming thought. I do feel hippie for getting back to meditation. I was resisting it to be honest. I quit gaming in an instant. Why? Because I was thinking about where it was going, what I wanted in my life and how this is not it. I am getting back to meditation in an instant. Why? Because I was thinking where I was going, what I wanted in my life, and how this might be it. I cannot change what body mind is. I can only rest in what I am. I'll probably look at this as bullshit, or perhaps at some point bullshit stop beings bullshit and just starts being wrong. This will be wrong, very very wrong at some point. I know I will bring this into clarity. That excites me. I know that whatever I end up doing I only need to be aware. If awareness really is not volitional maybe I'm using it to get deeper into my neurotic attitude. It doesn't discriminate. If I'm going to choose to not be aware of awareness it's not going to complain. It cannot complain. If I want to delve into the depths of neuroses with it then it will give it self away willingly. It always gives itself away. Sounds like trying to beautify this shit. I'm quite unqualified. My body mind doesn't have the belief of satori. topics: meaninglessness of the view of meaninglessness. The non-meaning of non-meaning. Insights: --3 possible stages when talking. --I ONLY NEED TO BE AWARE --meaninglessness of the view of meaninglessness, basically I'm making myself more awkward when I'm not having an opinion because I think having an opinion is meaningless --Taking the fruits of somebody else's Enlightenment work is a fucking pussy move. You cannot change your behavior because of somebody else's truths. That's as good as religious dogma. Wondering: life purpose >emotional well being? the non-volitionality of awarenss how does it exactly go? everything.

I've added to watch later. Seems different than what I'm regularly exposed to and I like to checkout different perspectives.

@Heart of Space Didn't you get it? He's enlightened. He's not there.

Being present can be seen as being still and calm but mindfulness is not about becoming calm right now. It might be something that mindfulness results in but it's not the goal in the moment. Being mindful is simply being aware, making sure you are aware. It's only making sure you're aware of awhat you're perceiving. It's not telling yourself a thought that you're mindful. It's being aware of that. You're basically sitting there and trying to reveal to your self what is there by simply paying attention. That's it. You only look. That's all the work. When you start you might fail to notice how with every sensation you have an image of the location of it. Include that under your awareness. Include it's inclusion as well.

@Mal Thanks for responding. Hoe did you develop them?

What do you want to do? Ask yourself what is the most important thing that I need to be doing right now. Start off by committing to meditation if you want. A lot of thr stuff is about awareness.

Whatchya doin there buddy? Are u reciting some crazy mantra?

@Mal How does that make you feel? How do you live with that?

Peoples. Yes. <some random shit honestly> EHHH Okay this is starting differently today. I just got past the first phase of my final exams. FYI, I'm majoring in Computer Science. Apparently I'm good at computers, but I'm actually not. That's just very abstract. I was looking up tutorials and doing random shit. I'm lying here. I don't know what I was doing actually. I don't care anymore. I don't know why I'm doing with this. It's that I see it on the same pedestal as everything else, so, why not? It's quite open that I don't know what I'm doing to other people. The first response I get from people is why I'm doing Computer Science then. It strikes me really fucking funny. I should perhaps say I don't know what I'm doing as much as you don't know and you're underestimating what you don't know. Yeah, I think that's pretty good. I need a stable and assertive eye contact for perfect deliver. I wish I were really good at talking. I'm always fascinated by the OMG moments in my imagination of delivering perfect retorts and extremely lengthy argument with perfection. I don't think they really take it seriously. It's quite rare for me to see a wise person. I choose the word wise because it's not about smarts. It's not about current circumstances. I'm not sure if I'm wise though. My friends seem to think that. I'm just fucking awkward and quiet most of the times. It's actually quite insidious how I easily give up explaining things. It's like it's more comfortable for me to just continue being awkward rather than go on talking. I don't really remember talking to people that much in my life. It was very hectic to me. Somehow right now I sort of don't have limitations on what's possible because I don't really know. Maybe it's a benefit to not know how to talk until very late because it would dispose talking to a more critical attitude. I don't know. Speculation. What is this? I do this a lot. "We" do this a lot I guess, but when people do this technically what is it called? Philosophy? I think the first response I want to give to someone uttering these combinations of letters is WHAT THE FUCK IS PHILOSOPHY. I've got a book shipping to me that is presumably a good introduction on any one who's aspiring to be a philosopher. I think I more want to know what the fuck it is rather than do philosophy. At this point of writing, it sounds to me like a masturbatory activity (thanks LEO). Yeah I went through a couple posts online. I was really frustrated that it wasn't clear still. I don't think I went that deeply to be honest. Just check the wiki page, it makes me feel horrible. I think examining what you don't know really opens avenues for understanding. I don't know about exact research or study techniques. I don't even want to say it makes sense. I think you reveal what you don't know. You get a "conscious hit" into emptiness (Yep, I'm absolutely influenced by Enlightenment. Thank you) It kind feels like a vessel is revealed that can now be filled. If you wanna know things then reveal what you don't know as you are knowing. Do both ends of the spectrum. I think practicing talking or writing while doing that is a side benefits (can be swapped if you want). What is revealed here? That I want to practice talking. I was talking to my self earlier in the car. Honestly I'd talk to myself all the time if I could make people not watch by altering their perception if they watched me. I'm quite obsessed with progression. I think that attitude doesn't extend that much to meditating that much though. It's a lot the product of wanting to get away of things people force me to do and also wanting to make a positive influence. It's a convincing activity. It reveals flaws in your demands. I can be manipulative about it and learn the different aspect of it. Some people might get regular practice from it, but I think most of the times they're in stagnation. Stagnation is a king to regression maybe. I still want to push it beyond 9 thousand if I can. What the fuck am I writing? I don't know lol. I'm comfortable with that it seems. Posture: I've got it pretty bad here. I'm quite laid back on my chair right now. For some reason I can't do any strengthening exercises for my abdominals correctly without activating my low back. I've stretched an hour everyday consistently for a period of 3 months. I'm quite confident I can solve the problem if I can actually find a fucking physical therapist that know what the fuck he's doing. It's fucking ridiculous how people are bad at their shit. Yeah I'm complaining about things like gravity. What they did had a cause. It was dictated by law. It's like complaining about gravity. It's not ridiculous that people are bad at their shit. They are bad at their shit. There wasn't any other way around. There is a way to change that? It's confusing to discuss free will. I'm stagnated. lol. I'm leaving it at there it seems. I'm pretty excited for this new knife I got. Whoops, it's out of stock right now. I've been visualizing slicing onions perfectly instead of some porno. Pretty decent I'd say. So I guess that's how things are. Perhaps I only need to know what I need to do in that day only and be meditating. topics: 2 levels of going meta. Insights: --I should perhaps say I don't know what I'm doing as much as you don't know and you're underestimating what you don't know a lot.

Contemplating Meditation (not really) Aghhh, I meditated today for 20 mins, or it was supposed to be that way. I meditated again for 50 mins (I had an alarm set for 1h) this morning (or should I say late night). I do feel great. I've thought a lot about whether I want to do this or not. I feel like I'm different than the period that I was meditating, even though I 90% of the times delayed it until before bed and ended up doing the session when tired. Different in the sense that I'm losing track. Perhaps it's loss revealing itself to me rather than losing track of things. I can't really decide nor say what meditation is. I definitely think there is a lot of difference. I don't know how much it's relevant, and how much that relevancy changes as you get established in a "practice." I'm apparently starting a meditation commitment for 1 month. I'll see how it goes. I think I'm getting neurotic because I stopped meditating. I do find myself with higher energy a lot more. Perhaps I notice it more I don't know. I'll be thinking about it a lot. Of course the best thing to do if you're going to be evaluative is set a rigid commitment that is independent of any judgement of the evaluation. I guess it's not completely independent. You can't stop some kind of line of thinking into stopping this 1 month meditation habit. I've also decided on the "no-manipulation" technique in his new video. I was considering the question seriously when I watched What if you have no concentration? What are the benefits of concentration? ~ Shinzen Young earlier today or yesterday I think. The point that you could get more and more present and get more life out of life was compelling to me. I think it might potentially be realistic to have a meditation habit even if you're not interested at all. In fact it seems "casual" meditation is the norm. I'll continue on this exact technique. I tend to want to try stuff out and experiment but it's better to stick to something in order to get contrast. I don't really remember or can tell the effects of any particular one. I'm so tired.

some stuff about doing "self-actualization I'm pretty tired right now. It's 4:28 AM and I'm supposedly fasting. I'm going to literally answer this one question over and over again. What do I not know? What do I pretend to know? I don't know what I'm doing when I read self-help books. I don't know what I'm doing when I spend weeks mostly at home not going out. I don't know what I'm doing when I tell other people I've got other things to focus on. I do know that I'm not supposed to do somethings but I don't think that that in itself makes doing what I don't know any better. I've seen a quote in a book a couple of days ago mentioning how you have enough things to write about if you've gone through childhood. That's actually bad news for me. That means I could spend a lot of time writing random things. There are so many things to write about that I can be unsure about whether I'm making progress or not. Yes, it's all about progress. At least it's something that I guilt my way into. That attitude might have to be rethought but that's what it is for now. What do I pretend to know? That some people are rather off doing somethings rather than others. That was a pretty abstract statement. Of course I'm going to find a way to believe that about myself, but I don't know. Unless I've done a great deal in my life and have invested serious amount of thinking about meaning and how one can achieve it, I don't know what is going on. I seem as though I'm humbling myself when I clearly need to state out what I know. I never seem to get that balance straitened out. I know I'm also susceptible to self-fulfilling prophecies when I say I don't know something. I might be biasing myself. I think it's good to stick to a selected attitude/focus and continually do that with different things. Right now I'm talking about what I don't know and that's where the focus is. I don't know what self-help is. That's why I didn't know how to answer when somebody made a smirk comment about what I do. I kind of told some people I read books about self-help. I don't know how to explain it to them. I think calling it hard to explain is a defence to not knowing what the fuck you're doing rather than knowing the direction you're going. I guess it's okay to not knowing what you're "doing" is, but you gotta make sure there's "doing" and that's perhaps a subtle distinction. goodnight for now insights: --self fullfilling prophecy of telling yourself you don't know something. You stunt an otherwise continuing progression of line of thinking

you're a monster

@DreamSpirit Ow man I have so much anxiety just reading you

Being able to understand, achieve insight.

@werlight How do you know that? Enlightenment might be explained as a blissful light, but it's none of what you can already imagine. You cannot hold your self to a vibration of a thing you currently have no access to. You simply do not know the "vibration" of enlightenment, assuming it has a vibration in the first place. You're trying to argue the usefulness of what you're proposing. There isn't any validity in it.

You're not being specific. Your life purpose should be the thing you think is most meaningful in life. What you've enlisted here are means to achieve them. I personally do not have a life purpose but I'm thinking about it all the time. I have some ideas but I'm scared of them as they're pretty radical Edit: I think what's enlightening about the course is that it shows you how much higher you can aim and how there are no limits to what you can get achieve. It really gets you to think deeply and thoroughly about this.

I'm halfway through the book right now. Does he provide exact contemplation practices? I haven't checked the chapter about contemplation cause I haven't reached it yet.

Here Ken Wilber talks about how it's actually pathetic that you think of yourself as a living can in this body. So I think it's fair to say that self-esteem is very very small compared to supreme identity.

Because having thought so for millions of years have led up to where you are right now. Survival is the main reason you have perception. There's a single amoeba cell that moves when poked. Whatever causes that single cell to perceive the poke and move away from it is what's causing you to move away from whatever you think is harming the body. This was described by Peter Ralston. I don't think you can tie anything to it other than survival really.