Phrae

I just had my second non-mindful meal this week. It was because it was something that I "liked". I just assumed that I did and my brain went off at that point. I did not look at what's actually there. I forgot. I presumed I knew this thing, but I didn't.

Can you answer yes to the following questions? Would tears of joy pour out of you when you think about what you've done years later in your life? Is this your greatest passion and joy in life? Is this the most meaningful thing that you can do in this single life that you had If I had to pay to do this, would I do it? I think you're giving advice about a career course. No, you don't need to be in a financially stable situation to do the course. Just make sure you've got the time to do it and not be rushing yourself for an answer. The breaking factor is when, while doing the course, a question like what is the most meaningful thing you could be doing comes up, YOU HAVE TO ANSWER THAT ACTUAL QUESTION. Are you telling me you did the course and answered these questions and you came up with some blob about writing? Were you doing the course like you're a fucking emperor?

Why are you becoming less understanding? Were your understanding really enforced in the first place? Because you're exhausted by pretending some bullshit is there that doesn't have to be there? From what you're saying it doesn't sound like you want to stay in the relationship if it stays that way cause it seems to be spiraling downwards at this point. It's not worth it to not be YOU. I have a feeling she's going to be nasty when you address your relationship. Explain to her how it used to be different. It wasn't about weaknesses, problems or whatever and now it's negative and you don't like that both for you and for her and you would like shit to change. Honestly it shouldn't matter how you fuck up telling her about it. She might become nasty or just be quiet the entire time you're talking and be rolling her eyes. If she's truly your friend she should try to understand what you're trying to say instead of arguing about, perhaps, little inaccuracies of what you're saying. This isn't "censoring negative thoughts" about negativity. They're not negative thoughts if they're about stopping negativity although you might initially think that. You can give her sometime. If she doesn't respond positively after a while I'd say move on. You're not being a bitch you're looking out for yourself.

I guess I'm gonna finish Leo's Life Purpose Course. (my Evernote was stamped 21st Dec 2016) This whole shebang of shit was written cause priorities were not clear. I have no idea what's written up there. This thing has to be above all other things 10 times over. What is it? I fucked myself with Jed McKenna's material. It wasn't a perspective. I just believed him. I am having more resistance to doing this stuff cause I'm writing about it. I guess I'll be done by the end of JAN. I promise.

Is it happening again or something is turning up. I feel looked in the way, when I don't want to be looked at fucking all. I am being evasive. I don't know what is happening this time. I know that I should dedicate all my time to something. I don't like being bad at anything. Hobbies. I don't fucking need. I don't enjoy the thought that someone is better than me. Am I jealous? You could say. I don't have a problem with the feeling. I have a problem with the price I have to pay to get rid of it. Time. The grand illusion. Where am I going? Someplace to thrive? I do want to thrive. That's what's me pursuing enlightenment is about. Thriving at everything that I do, like an obsession. Is it unique? Unless we have good feelings about being casuals. I don't suspect it is. I am not a casual. I am so not a casual. Perhaps that's why I suffer? I believe I'm supposed to be someway that I'm not? Isn't that why anybody feels inferior? Cause they think they should be different than what they exactly are. I do feel this is different already. Am I gonna say the break was worth it? I just did. I can't take getting better out of the pursuit of enlightenment. Taking it out would be getting better. Whatever I do would be getting better. What the FUCK. So it was video games again, Overwatch. I want to watch the cinematic. I was so obsessed that I didn't, and that goes for many things with it. I stopped meditating. Leaning towards McKenna is not the healthiest thing to your meditation. Or perhaps it was an incorrect leaning towards an correct explanation of incorrectness. I don't fucking know? Do I? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What should I do? What should I do? I should figure this shit out. That's the most meaningful I could do. The thing that I'm going to regret not figuring out. I wouldn't regret it if I don't find an answer, funny thing about it. Am I self-actualizing? I hate that term. I am just trying to understand. That's all that I've been doing. I'm so attached to it it seems. What would a self-actualized person be like? Ethical? By what? How? Following biased human standards? As though they're somehow superior. It's ethical only with regards to feelings. What am I doing then? Gaining the ability to prattle about this shit. And I fucking love it. I should read biographies. I like being inside people's head. I love doing that. I don't like hearing techniques as much as knowing the certainty of what a successful person would do in this situation. That is so far more powerful. I haven't allowed myself until now.

I want to drown. I want to be so deeply isolated. I'm sure I would stop wanting that after a couple of seconds. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how anyone can know that. I am angry. What the fuck is happening. I spent the whole day doing nothing. I want to die alive. I really want that. Do I? Am I eccentric? What the fuck does that mean? Hume fascinates me. He must've been a delightful presence. Philosophy is relevant to study. As much as you might not be able to find the ultimate answer. It is something you use to flip all the tables.

That's pretty insane. The strong meditation sitting is taken from Shinzen Young. You could definitely proceed without a technique. I recommend, as Leo does, sticking to a particular technique for at least a month. Shinzen Young has a free long ass ebook called The Five Ways. I recommend looking at it and trying to establish a particular practice. It's hard to say that time is the only thing under concern. This skepticism might come up after a while of your ego getting sick of this meditation (maybe not). You can't argue that it's bad to "fuck yourself". Any bad thing you could do to yourself with this process could be branded as teaching the ego truth. 10,000 hours seems to be about "deliberate" practice. I guess meditation is so fucking simple that you have limited ways to practice it so dunno. Intentionality I think is very important. I also want to tell you that I feel insecure about you pursuing that I right now should be doing, so take that under consideration when reading this.

Apparently there are these three things that are similar to each other. I just made a discovery. It's kind of stupid that I didn't look in that kind of way. I guess that's what happens when you're desperate. I have a conviction I think rather than a desperation. It's just impossible not to fix my posture. I've done things that are much harder than a corrective protocol. Integral Theory: So I've read a couple of pages of Ken Wilber stuff. Pretty interesting. I didn't get to the point to see how having this map is actually useful. What does it imply about progress? States of consciousness could be accessed as states at whatever level because they are ever present. For stages you require long steady practice. I wonder about the shit Mal and Charlie were talking about. I've been wanting to read this ever since a couple of posts from Mal and other people. "I prefer taking an integral approach" What the fuck does that actually mean? Can you actually say that bullshit with a straight face? Aren't you fucking cowering over your weakness to not pursue shit? Imbecile. My meditation is still stalled. Definitely killing my motivation for it. I think this will be a long ass plateau. I understand that there can be plateaus, but I wanna make sure it's a phase not a place of residence. Maybe a positive is that I'm restless, which could make meditation harder and it having higher benefits? I don't fucking know what qualify as benefits or doesn't. I was supposed to see a Chiropractic yesterday. I want to murder her if she doesn't know her shit. Yeah. Fuck. THIS SHIT.

@Mal I do in some cases. I'd like to see people that I hate to suffer more than understand them. Of course that route is not always available to me and my higher self wants me to grow and understand them

This is interesting mal and charlie

I just wrote a whole shebang about my porn addiction that I'm not going to share. Yeah I'm being honest. Got a problem? I've been noticing the misalignment of the activity with my ideal, or even current, character. I just feel like it is a neutral falsehood. There is no emotion pertinent to it. I'd like to leave it because it doesn't align. Haven't been feeling the best feelings. That was just an evasive way of not wanting to look deeply at how I felt. Meditation: I feel meditation is stagnating. I'm restored to where I was 7 months ago. I don't know about how long the benefits develop. My intent is really breaking though. I sit to meditate and I just think about stuff. I understand it is not my choice to be aware, but it is my choice to make the knowledge graph orients itself toward knowing it's nature. Another words for doing something that would increase my likeliness of being aware. Increasing my desire for it without any particular expectation feels like an effective idea. I don't like the idea of committing to a period of time to meditate and letting that go. I need a commitment to an attitude. That when I sit there I'm 100% for being aware. Nothing else counts and at the same time it not counting shouldn't matter. Tall order? People: I've noticed myself not being forceful about opinion. I am quite subservient in a conversation. When I'm talking to more confident people I'm scared. When I'm talking to less confident people, people that seem to be hurt by difference opinion, I don't divulge my shit. I'm not being honest. I don't talk things through. I need to change myself image. How am I going to do that? I'm reading The Charsima Myth and I'm impressed. Even though it might sound like a shallow thing, I kind of feel that self-actualization has charisma. The author talks about the importance of presence and mentions how to deal with anxiety by stepping into it. She has in the recommendation part books about mindfulness. I think that whenever I see that it's a green signal to me. I haven't done shit though. I've just read. I did get my grades today. I did better than expected! I was expected 2.8-2.9 GPA but I got 3.08. I've got pretty much no worries at all. I can continue the next semester the same if I want to. It's going to be pretty easy to finish my degree. Pretty easy to live a normal life. That scares me. Or does it really? I actually feel very safe about it. I enjoy that comfort. The only reason I wouldn't is because I'm logically not convinced. I'd have to change how I feel and really examine my shit. There is no push. I don't feel an issue is being really resolve. My feet is in spring waters. It's not near any fucking fire. I do feel comfortable with that. I know I'll have to change something in order to achieve results. Stunt. What the fuck am I doing? It's gotten to the point where I'm desperate to know rather than desperate to deny that I don't know. It's better. I guess that's uncertainty for ya.

@Amir How long is it important enough for? How much is meditation important? When can other things replace it?

@Amir Rupert Spira feels like Mooji to me. I think he's clearer. I haven't watched many videos though. I don't know if you wanna do "sometimes I ask myself who I am". I think it's better to stay with a single activity as a beginner. I am floating all around with do nothing technique right now. To make a habit stick use awareness . Check out Leo's latest video about how awareness is curative. He doesn't say this in his video but really try to examine what a habit is going to get you and what it is going to deny you. Visualization techniques revolve around getting clear into what this fucking thing does to your life. You don't need to even visualize I find. Just sit down and right about why you're doing this? Are you aware of your reasons? If you really want something as Leo mentioned you only need to be aware and you'll do the deed. You probably are skeptical about meditation. I used to be. I quit for 6 months and now I'm back. I didn't immediately quit though. It was this ongoing thing I had in my life that I didn't know the reason for. I just said I'll come back to it when I see that I really need this in my life.

Ow man. I tried to sleep with a correct position today. On my back. It's called stretch laying. I think it is the best for people with rounded shoulders. I did not sleep. I felt as though I was meditating. I resisted so many movement. I think the only time I've slept like that was infancy. I always snuggle and round my arms. I spent 8 and a half hours on bed. I was getting so so restless at the end. It was supposed to be 9 hours. I knew that it's going to take something like that to REALLY once and for all change my sleeping position to something resourceful in my life. I was very very calm. I felt the same as I did when I did strong meditation sitting. I don't think I had increased awareness. I was so restless. I had a conviction at the same time that I still carried it through. I am very very confident I can do the same thing again today. I broke myself yesterday. I slept again at the middle of the day for 6 hours completely bad position. My ego was fucking crying. I think it was a weeping fucking dog that was crying over nothing. I am kind of putting up with it like I'm putting up with a kids demands. You don't hear it. I was okay with it and at the same time not. As long as I hold a conviction it doesn't matter.

Content doesn't count (reading ,listening). Exact things that you're doing that are progressing you forward. I don't know what the practic aspect is it's not talked about and seems secondary even when though I think it's not.

I've been meditating consistently. No Fap day 8. I feel like I can go pretty long. I've been having a different attitude than before. I just finished my finals today. I've studied surprisingly more than I expected. I was quite aware of myself when I was studying. I think I stopped myself of getting in my own way. I knew that there is conclusory reason that I should not study well. When I get these extra 2-3 hours per day what is it for? I'm not sure if I can invest in something with better pay off. That's probably not a good thing. I am sure one thing I want to do is make sure that I find what I want or do something that I think is very very relevant. It does feel like I could get a lot of shit progressing by sheer execution. I think if I remind myself that doing can potentially give me insight into the correct course of action. I've been having qualms about delegating/delaying posture correction. I think it is justifiable relaxation time. I don't know what the logistics are supposed to look. I haven't read any more of GTD since studying for my finals. I don't know what action towards insight and understanding is. I do feel kind of angry for Leo not sharing examples of his day routine. I wonder what he mean by "developing insight into themselves" How does he do that? I think he mention it in his life purpose course(maybe I should continue that). I think I kind of don't know the spectrum of possible things. I am afraid I'll "cherry pick" my life purpose. So basically it's this shit: -some ideas about fixing my diet. I don't eat fast food. I am quiet easily avoiding "bad" food because I think I've been doing "awareness" while eating just coincidentally I think. I literally just need exact recipes and the exact steps that I need to take to make them. I don't know how to cook. I want to choose a realistic set of meals that I can choose from. This is a logistical problem. -My posture needs to be fixed. I can follow through on correction protocols (even 2 hour daily). I didn't work on this because I don't think the diagnosis I got is correct. It's not even a "plateau". I am not pursuing mastery over this. I just want something that works. It's the same difference between following exercise guidelines and knowing why. I guess I should perhaps have more than some idea of what it means to have a human body. A lot of these things I am sure I can continue doing consistently just if I do a few things right. I'm clear enough on my reasons to easily make the shift. I've probably visualized myself eating and having correct posture that it would be effortless to follow through on that. I'll think about this. Insight: -- To change some external results. Ask questions. Why is the particular behavior this way? What is everything that surrounds it? Examine things you've taken for granted.

What are you wasting away by going out? What are you gaining by staying in? Be clear on that.

What is the most meaningful thing you could do? Life purpose has this quality of ownership, as thought it's destiny or some shit. You're not enslaved by it. It is a deep realization of your most meaningful interpretations. I don't there there is any other code for living. Not doing what's meaningful to you is a failure. It is saying your not listening to your desites. It's being nice phrasing it as "not having a life purpose".

Hour. I was infuriated earlier. I usually get infuriated when that situation happens. Basically I am not leaving when I wanted to leave. I've literally sat and played a card game for over an hour when every second I didn't want to. I felt suffocated it. It's obvious. I'm more comfortable not saying I want to leave and go through awkwardness than stay suffocated for over an hour. I really didn't want to sit. Is that fucking true? If you truly didn't want something you would be doing it. When you do something it is because YOU want it. I don't know how that fury was gone. I am forcing myself to care that it was gone and force myself to be sad about it. It doesn't make me want to deal with my ability to respond to the same situation afterwards. I right now find writing this kind of a slug. An hour ago I would've slammed the keyboard effortlessly. I need to bring clarity about the situation. Why was it okay with me to sit there and not go through the awkward phase of cutting somebody off and saying I have to go? BECAUSE I'M AFRAID MY REASON IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. FUCK. FUCK. I am not angry at all here... I am trying to but I can't. Is it cause I've been meditating this week? I don't know. Is it because I know I can resolve this RIGHT NOW? Let me try. Why did I not want to leave? I don't like when people don't find the reasons I give them sufficient enough to justify not hanging out with them. Imagine this, you pass by a group of friends, a shallow group of friends that you haven't seen in a long time. They say hi to you and you see quite clearly they're going to hold you for at least 30 mins and talk about random stuff. You want to leave, but you know these kinds of friends in particular feel insecure when somebody shuns them off. In particular, a society with "tight" social circles give it's members the privilege to hold other members accountable for not being part of the group. Imagine a group of friends you hung out with everyday, suddenly you start hanging out less and less. Do they give a fuck about your reasons? If they're the type of people to casually hang our with others then most likely not a single fuck will be given. You will in fact be perceived as the GUILTY one on this. You're the one who's changing. You're not investing in the group as they're investing. They don't fucking like it. Ummm, why would I hang out with you? What are you doing exactly? I immediately imagine an insecure SURPRISED look at you. I COULD'VE GONE THAT ROUTE. THAT ROUTE WAS ALWAYS FUCKING AVAILABLE. The consequences of that are severe. I don't know why I'm afraid of that. Why do I not do that? When a group stops me, why do I not ask them "ummm, why did you stop me exactly? What kind of result were you hoping to get? I'm going to leave now. I don't have time." Of course you don't pick and choose. You can't immediately stop being with one friend because another more resourceful friend has passed by and now you want to go sit and talk resourcefully with him. Or maybe you can, if you're fine with being perceived as an ass. Ow man how many things do I not do to not be perceived as an ass? Way too fucking many. If I were to be honest all the time it would be quite uncomfortable for others and me as a result. For example if I were to ask my uncles why they got married? Why didn't they strive for something in life? What fucking response I'm going to get? They're in protective mode. I don't know if not sharing what's in your mind dishonesty. It probably is not. It makes me awkward though. There is clearly something else in my head and I'm clearly in my head. Let it out? Really? What about "respect"? Oh man that word. That's the most disgusting word in the English language. Oh let me respect the elderly and allow them to not be held accountable for the results they got in their life. It's uncomfortable when we strive for something more than them, so let's be respectful and not talk about that with them. That's probably why I didn't love my grandmother at all. I saw how things are off. I am always thinking about these things and you're not allowed to. You'll be seen as disrespectful. Oh why you don't love your grandmother? Ow man you're so morbid. How can you not love your grandmother? She's been nothing but nice to you. Maybe because I see people insecurities right at the forefront. It's been programmed in to me to control myself in every possible way. I PROGRAMMED MYSELF. I ALLOWED IT. When a conversation starts with anybody every asset I have is at their insecurities. I haven't met a person that's not going to be offended by my honest opinion of him. I think very few people in life can stand that. We have fucked everybody basically. We've made everybody dependent! I think I could talk about this for hours. What is it relevant here? Statement. Finding insights that are going to make me handle social interactions that I want to leave without damaging social status and not being perceived as an ass. I feel like that sentence was like asking how do I fire a gun at somebody without killing them. Ridiculous. I somehow think I can get away with not being an ass and still do my shit. I need to bring it to the forefront if that's not possible. Again. Explaining the situation. People in societies with "tight" social circles are allowed to hold other people accountable for not participating in social activities. These range from the simple greetings, to travelling with somebody. People are pressured less in "broader" societies and are not allowed as much to hold other people accountable. In the former it is perceived that you're being rude for not participating. In the latter it's seen as rude to ask why the fuck YOU DIDN'T HUNG OUT. I'll be talking about the former as we go on. When you're engaging in a social activity an accountability is being established for further continuing this in the future. Expectation is held that you're going to do more. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? I don't know anymore. What exactly is it that you don't know? If you knew, what would it be? If you had an understanding, what would that be? I am uncomfortable pushing my own agenda. I do not feel like it's okay for me to hang out once a week with people that hang out everyday. I do not feel comfortable being okay with that. I feel like to a group, that's a signal of allowance to sever friendship. It's also not seen as my fault in a "tight" social circle. I feel tense talking about this. My ears are red (usually red when anxious). How do I resolve not knowing what I should be doing? Should I just say no? I think this is definitely so important. It is the only reason I'm ever anxious lol. I guess putting it that way showcases the importance.

This can be supplementation. You do this forum to get refinements. You can use it to get help, but that's for launching a trajectory. Are you doing something that you can describe as launching? What is this vague stuff...? Stay learner? Stay in peace? It doesn't make sense at all that it came to this line of thinking. Quit this forum? Did the question of changing your attitude ever occur to you? What is going wrong? Can you write these goals as clear as you possibly can? Can you write a whole page for each? Why do you think it's bad to get help? There is a difference between help and being there to on somebody. If I'm learning to balance my legs for the first time I need somebody to guide me along the way. His guidance is a mean to my independence. Guidance can be guidance to guiding yourself. GET CLEAR. That's all you need to do. The right decision will reveal itself.

Life expressed itself and dictated that this body mind is going to do something that is going to lessen one of the activities happening in his brain organ. This activity is self-referential and expresses itself outward as well. That's what happened when "you quiet your mind". What you're saying here is somewhat correct. Thoughts can be lessened. Lessening them is in no way being in control. They were lessened by life. Of course I have no direct knowledge of that.

What are you trying to pick up from thinking while meditating? There literally is nothing to pick up. I like picking up things as well. I like to be elaborate about what is going on in my meditation and where it's going and have all this drama. Honestly I think if you do it long enough you'll start losing interest in thinking about it but that might be a long route. Just be aware of it of that thinking? What were you expecting? I think you knew that already. The decision was in front of you. I think you're right about awareness being able to notice more subtleties just by the virtue of getting back to it. Awareness is not volitional. I have no idea what to do with that fact though. All this talking goes out of the window when that is brought up.

Think about an extreme scenario. I am the best mathematician. I am the best mathematician. Is it going to work by itself? Why? Find ways to be able to practice the skill you want to improve at and affirm that you've already accomplished it.

I'll be reading Getting Things Done. It's been sitting on my bookshelf. Apparently the ready signal was this: "Have a non-neurotic attitude about accomplishing things, and wonder how much is realistic to work for. How much is pushing yourself to the edge and how much is breaking yourself."

I'm not like before. Talking to myself paid of, big fucking time. I am different. I am not like before. I like that. I love that. I enjoy the thought of that. Fuck the Enlightenment thing if it's not gonna let me feel those thoughts. I need to bring myself back to well being. I noticed how my attitude about Enlightenment is destroying me. Do I have to stop feeling good about myself to be Enlightened? I DON'T THINK SO. I think it will help. I want to proceed from a place of love to truth. My body mind will love it. Because it is what makes it be. Without it there isn't anything. I might get my self feeling bad because I don't like how I'm displaying my body language, how I'm saying what I'm saying, but I'm forgetting something. Who is it that has the capacity to imagine that ideal? This ideal didn't exist before for me. It is I that owns it right now. How do you cultivate profound healthy self love? How do you do it while understanding all the hate you get from people who don't love them the same? I want to work very hard. I want to get what I want. I want to accomplish and do things. Am I lying here? I am asking the question with total acceptance of the liar. I can look at the reasons of the lies. I become that which reveals his own lies. I don't have to stop lying. I have to cultivate a reflex of revealing whatever was going on. Do that over and over again until it becomes a habit. A principle. I am a liar who reveals his own lies. That's on the same scale as honesty to me. It is higher for me. It is willing to tell itself it's wrong after saying it's write. It's taking some shame and then turning away from that shame by 100% dedication to reveal falsehood. When you meditate. You don't need to not wrong, to not mistake an object for reality itself. You merely need to have an intent for revealing your lies and embrace that as a principle. If you can do that then the illusion will be revealed. That's it. What do I want? I feel ease asking this question. I trust myself to be very clear on that. Very fucking clear. I am not worried of getting it wrong. What is it that I fucking want? It doesn't matter. It matters that I know and I discover my intent. If it is truly what I want the effort to do is going to come with it. Reveal your depth. I am worried about following through. Why am I worried? I am afraid that I'm going to stop after failing to find things at a set of avenues. I've already failed at fixing my posture. It's a weird situation with that. I actually can't believe how I can't solve it. I've spent hours watching videos about stretching and strengthening techniques. I might wanna go somewhere and solve this situation. I think I should think of it as postponement. Honestly I'm at the edge of opening a stretching video on the next tab. It wouldn't be a wise decision. I would be a bad strategist if I did that. I would require studying what the therapists know in order to know how to asses and solve my muscular imbalance. My goal in life is not to become a fucking therapist. I will delegate that. Insight: --Honesty is fucking beautiful.