Ar_Senses

Hey there, guys! First, I'm so gratelful for the opportunity to share with y'all my deepest and very personal up's and down's! It's very releasing and helpful to kickstart inner work. These forum is great and thank you @Leo Gura for re-opening for us, youngers, these old school type of communication! So here I want to talk with you and ask some advice about my bad skill of self-managment: I'm highly stage-green person, with orange shades and blooming yellow. I'm confident about it bacause I've observed myself, whatched all spiral dynamics videos, reading Don Beck's "Spiral Dynamics' book and contemplated a lot about it. I've been at retreats like Vipassana and 5-meo-dmt, having a deep interest in psychology, psychedelics, self-development and in love to communication (green), but also I'm appreciate rap music, porn and sex, good food from restuarants and it's hard for me at that moments to say "No" to sugar and carbohydrates (orange). But I'm also more and more aware of all those systems, which around us everyday, I'm in love in learning and understanding the big picture, going into LSD trips with my notepad to understand what is Love, mind, God and menaning is, reading books and enjoyng mind-fucking myself (Yellow). I'm 23 y.o., 5 years ago I moved from my home town to the big city for studing and now living with my girlfriend at her apartments. I've grown in low/middle class family without father, my mom is blue/ORANGE, uncle is also kinda like that and grandma is BLUE/orange. I'm pretty sure that I'm having ADHD and sure, that reason of it is partially going from genetics, but also from heavy upbringning. I've got a lot of truobles in school, cause it was really hard for me to learning like a normal child: I've got a lack of discipline, scattered mind and lack of respect to teachers, I've easily saw their ignoarance and errogance, was Joker at class and also had a deep compassion to those who were weak. At my 14th I remember reading Che Gevara "Guerrilla Warfare" - in fact, manual for revolutioner. So I've got a lot of problems in school, hanging around with a careless childs like me, while our parents were working their ass off to make ends meet. There was an alcohol, weed and unprotected sex. But I've always felt myslef, and others usually confirmed it, that I'm kinda "smart guy". Humor, curiosity and cleverness were my only features. I was bad at any sports. with girls, physical appearance, money and other things which can help teenager feel himself worthy enough. So I move to the big city at my 18 because entered a college, but it's wasn't conscious choice, it was more like "I should go to college, so I need to choice something, what at least won't be very painfull for me". I thought that when I'll move to the big city and went a humanitarian Institute I'll feel myself more content and life will get a meaning. It was a mistake. I've went to existential crisis because wasn't able to understand - what the fuck happening and why is life worth living with all those struggles and pain? So from here my spritual seeking appeared in the foreground and I'm so gratefull to my depression for all that struggle whick kicked in my searching process. Now I'm already about 4 years doing all these stuff - meditating, whatching Leo's and others vedeos, doing retreats, using psychedelics, reading books, done my Life Purpose course about a month ago, kinda deep into spirituality, know my values and goals, dating about 1,5 years with GF and feeling good most part of the time. It's hard for me to say, that I'm not practical or too voodoo/wishy-washy. I've always worked from my 2 course in the college (about 4 years): as an art-director at restuarants, writer and content-manager at karting-center. BUT... and here is main topic come: I'M FUCKING SUCK AT SELF-MANAGMENT Here the list of my unhealthy behaviours: I've quit college at my last course (in 2017), when it was less than 6 months to the end of it. I've said myself that college is bullshit and I don't need that, but also I had a very bad time at my job. I was burn out, but to attached to that Orange job as an art-director, that gave me a status and respect, which I've never had before. I've never worked more than 6 months at one place. Couple times I was fired, couple times I was quit by myself. It's often connected with "Bad Bosses" who are not capable to respect feelings, or because of meaningless or useless impact on the world/society. Often my bosses was highly Orange womens in their 40s. I've tried to start a litlle business - helmets paint jobs, invested about 100$ in all things, but forgot about it now, after couple failures. It's not match alot with my passions and values, so I'm using it as an reason to drop it. I've got a story of dysfunctional relationships with women. At that moment I'm in my longest relationship (1,5 year), which still are full of fights and conflicts. Girls often felt themself with me stupid, ashamed, bad, not worthy enough, doing shit instead of self-development and figuring out how to become happy and self-actualized, not so good as I want them to be. Shit - this one is really tough for me. Lack and Dependent with money, always not having enough, often can't even care about my health care. For example, I can't care at the moment about my teeth, which are slowly fall apart beacuse of lack of money. But I've spend some extra money on Psychedelic conference in foreign city. I've got some health problems, which not influencing my everyday life, but still exsit. I can ignoring or prioriteze it as an inadequate individual, who I often feel myself. Procrastination about the most important things like doing necessary practices for actualising my Purpose, as I've mansioned - health care, money etc. Bad habits as consuming sugar and carbohydrates, unhealthy sleep, overthinking, porn and masturbating, arguing, worrying, overwatching-listening videos Poor responsibility about "down to earth" stuff Shit, I'm really tired of it Now I'm serious about healing myself from it, but it's seems like a fucking disaster, which you don't now where from to start. I'm reading great book about money from Leo's booklist, but it's still a lot of things to do, and I think the cleverest step I can do is to understand, what it's all about on spiritual level, cause everything usually going down to it. I guess, partially I'am afraid of Being. Have you wathced last episode about love? It's not easy for me to cultivate these feeling inside of me, and my 5-meo-dmt trip was not very pleasant. I was scared as fuck to face Reality of reality and I've not felt Infinite Love or that Being is Peace. I guess I'm scared that I can't handle life by myself. That belief is so deeply rooted inside, that I can't get rit of it so easy. Or maybe not? Maybe it's about something different, which I'm not awre yet. So please, help me to cure myself from that and become healthy, self-efficient man, who can face reality as it is and handle with it. What you think my proplem really is? Is it about the Green-stage lack of systems thinking? What concrete actions I can do with myself, to become healthier in that sphere? (Ready to do whatever it's need) Have you overcome it by yourself? Tell me about it Almost everyday I feel myself like I'm getting late for the departing train and often becuase of insecuritys about money, health and bad habits. I wish I had a job which will match with my Purpose and also had a skills to managing myself in the everyday life.

@Pilgrim Thank you for support, it is true, that I'm already have something to proud for, but I still feel struggle with foundations. Of course, you know what I'am talking about, if you are ADD person. After you reply I've remembered that I've bought a book "Scattered Mind" by Dr. Gabor Mate, I think I should read it.

Hey there, can you please share some thoughts with me about these questions. In the video about Godel’s incompletness theory @Leo Gura explained that systems can refer on themselves, so you’ll need to go meta, to ground that system into reasonable explanation, but therefore you'll need to explain your meta explanation and go meta again and this process will never end (because of infinite nature of everything). But I’m interested into understanding that ability of systems to refer on itself. In the video you can find some examples on how does it works: You can use English language to talk about English language. So you using System to refer on it. My question is next: am I (Ego, Survival system), for example, the one who thinking and at the same time the one, who puts some efforts to not to think? Before I was naively thinking that I’m and my Ego is kinda different things, but now I’m think that this is one complex system. I guess this is what was about Leo’s quote: “be melting snow: wash yourself from yourself” But I can't comprehend - how does I’m the one who want to (ultimately) die and at the same point the one who striving to survive? But what phenomena then called “higher self” - is it Healthier Ego or something beyond the self at all?

Hey there! In 21st of semptember I’m about to go on the “Psycherence 2018”. There will be 4 lectures about consciousness and plant medicine from well known psychedelic activists like Dennis McKenna, Susan Blackmore, Luis Luna, Jeremey Narby. I’ll go there and it will be nice to meet somebody from the Actualized there!

Hello there, my dear lovers of infinite jerking! I need some help so here are some interesting Case for you. I will very grateful for your help, because I'm stuck. I'm 23 y.o. Please, help me to solve my biggest obstacle in relationship. History: 1,5 year of realationships with girlfriend, living together in a small one-room apartment. I have a very unpleasant problem in the relationship, which has dragged on for a long time. I will be very honest with you and I hope for help from those of you who know more about how relationships works. Her perspective: regularly condemns and criticizes me for how I behave with other people. For lack of sensitivity and attention, straightforwardness and carelessness. Becoming pissed of the fact that some of my reactions look like "teenage", often spell the phrase "my man should not be like that". Her justification: She is sure that her position is right and that people need to worry and experience each other and sometimes to sacrifice their interests in common. This is the way of life. She believes that my behavior and "teenage reactions" to some situations are can't have any value, which means that I should easily let them go and accept her worldview regarding the issue of social interaction. Her Clues: She rightly believes that she is skilled better in matters of everyday life, comfort, etc. She grew up in a strong full family, a loving mother, stepfather and sister, which, in her opinion, gives her the right to "authority" in such matters. I lived 18 years in a one-room apartment with my mother (without father), who gave birth to me at the age of 20, I did not do much of my education, I often found resonance in the rap of Kendrick Lamar and his ballads about the life of teenagers left to themselves. My most underdeveloped qualities are "Modesty and humility; Industry, diligence, and perseverance; Self-control and self-regulation; Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty ". Sometimes it seems to me that I can use abusive behavior: I have been cursing as a child since my childhood and was cruel emotionally, and young and attractive women are often associated for me with sex and pleasure. Before that, I had 4 "serious" girls, a break with each of which was painful and unpleasant for me and them, and each relationship did not last more than 7 months. My perspective: I regularly feel censored and editable; I get annoyed when she give me an example of how "normal" and what others can "think" about me/her/us. I do not see that she ever doubted her own convictions and tried to work with herself. My justification: I'm very cheerful, extrovert, charming guy. I have many friends, women often gets attracted, people find my sense of humor as fun and am quite successful in terms of career for my age. Many people describe me as a kind, cheerful, sincere and wise guy. In fact, I'm afraid that my girl, without realizing herself, is doing the work of the collective ego and if I make myself what she wants me to be, I'll spiral backward, and my connection with the authentic self will become thinner. I worked on myself for more than four years, meditated, watched a lot of videos, read books, pondered and went to the retreats of Vipassana, Ayahuaska, Bufo Alvarius, thinking a lot about how the world works and what the Ego is, and so on. I have a rich life experience. My Clues: Before meeting me, she did not even think about the nature of reality, self-development and purpose. She used to think that the cause of problems is outside. She attaches great importance to appearance, to what others will think about her. She’s become ashamed easily if someone sees her failure or weak. She is often ashamed of herself and her imperfections. We have certain difficulties with sexuality, it becomes much more relaxed, if she comes a little bit drunk from meeting with girlfriends. Question: I can not understand which of us is right and who is wrong. Who plays what role in this conflict of convictions and, most importantly, how to come to peace and quiet. I do not understand the ways that would help me to establish peace and learn how to negotiate, so that not one of us would feel that we were "enslaved" by other people's values, which the other does not agree with. This takes a lot of time and energy and it's stupid. P.s. You can check out my trip report form 5-meo-dmt retreat to know me better and go deeper in understanding, BTW it's intresting

Intro Frankly speaking, after a trip to the retreat with 5-meo, I was a little cautious in order to use anything. I was afraid of my own reaction and that I could not cope properly with the experience I experienced, although intuitively I wanted to bring my condition back to non-duality, this time keeping awareness to better understand the nature of what is happening, and also to feel what unconditional love is. So, I put the substance on the tongue and first of all began to focus my mind, concentrating on the point on the wall, to have more ability to relax. I do not know how often this happens to you, but even without using anything, when I'm looking closely at any patterns, they begin to "dance", whether it's marble floor in the subway or patterned wallpaper. After a seven-minute concentration, I started listening to Leo's guided meditation on letting go, because I was aware - now that's what I miss. I was worried enough that something could go wrong in terms of my "physical" location in specific circumstances (city, society, apartment, neighbors, my body) and therefore tried to hedge, plus it was my first solo trip. Sameness vs. Difference After the meditation was over, I proceeded to the scheduled viewing of Leo's giant video "Sameness vs. Difference ". I had already started watching it a little earlier and realized that the topic was very close to the purpose of my trip, and I also wanted to check whether I was able to penetrate deeper into the essence of things while in such a state. Describe what happened next seems to me a difficult task. I spent 5 hours at home in a chair in front of the laptop, but at the same time I was dying and "recovering" a bunch of times. Only this time it was felt that death is only a change in perspective, which becomes much more accessible when you are under the influence of psychedelics. Dying not the body, but the sense of separation from the rest of the context. And the "I" and "everything else around" occurred entirely inside me and it was obvious. I say "inside me," but I mean the Presence, Testimony of everything that happens. I could not define the "center" of myself, but I just felt the all-consuming "I amness". It's hard to form a linear narrative for what happened, it seems like the all occured at once, so I'll simply divide the text into insights, and below I will describe an interesting process of "self-healing" that occurred at the end of the trip. Question of perspective Leo's arguments about differences and similarities, as well as examples about identity and ego, made me deeply receptive to the fact that the "I" and everything that is happening around me is no more than just a choice to see what I (consciousness) see. This is how to look at the black and white coloring of the chessboard: you can see that the board consists of peculiar black and white "pluses" with the opposite color in the center of each, and you can perceive the drawing of the board as a diagonal of black and white cells or just black and white vertical (or horizontal) lines. You can choose on what to focus on - the "pluses", "diagonals" or "verticals", but seeing one order, the other, more often, is ignored. Flying through myself I began to feel that reality is not a physical, non-spatial and timeless glide, immersion and emergence between all possible variants of existence that "hang" at the same time. I can not think of better examples than a smartphone or laptop screen. You open the desktop, you see the application icons in front of you, you click, for example, on the browser and the search string and the inscription "Google" unfolds before you. God is the same screen, but the content on the screen changes constantly. The same "browser windows" are what's happening right now with me, you, them. In turn, the "screen" - this is the infinite reality inside of which everything that can only be imagined unfolds. There is no place for the graveyard My old 21 year old cat, which I love, has reached a state of health, by which it can be said that she will soon die. All this time, she was near and periodically I had a feeling that she was about to die. At the same time, I did not feel any disappointment or particular annoyance. There was no one to die. We were one whole, however, like all other space woven from consciousness. This was accompanied by a feeling that would sound like "I have nowhere to die". The creator has a master plan I often wonder why God needs to express himself through such guys like Leo? Why should I be interested and have a passion for all these topics if God on the contrary specifically forgets who he is and, in a sense, amuses himself with ignorance. When I watched the video and felt the deep interconnection of everything with everything, I had no better thought than that Consciousness thus trains itself for some unknown to me (Arsen) purposes. Maybe for peace and happiness for every men? The Infinite Poetry or The Dance of Reality A friend of mine recently went to the Ayahuaska ceremony and he told me that at some point in the trip he had the experience of being in the womb of his own mother and then of birth. He saw the doctor, father and mother and realized that he was everything. His mind asked: "Why are these people, if they are Me, brought me so much pain?". According to him, the spirit of Ayavaski answered him: "I chose to go through suffering, in order to feel deeper compassion for others." I recently completed the Life Purpose course and can confidently say that my life mission (how I would like to influence the world) has many roots growing out of personal suffering. I know how it feels to be desperate because of the inability to understand why you live and what life is. But in animals, birds and fish, too, the body is arranged so that they suffer from hunger in order to obtain food. Maybe the question of compassion become more and more vital for humanity? These thoughts do not appear to me for the first time. Most of my previous experiences using psychedelics, and events in life have been so concerted that it was hard to believe that it was "just an accident." Of course, to realize the need for what happened with everything else is usually obtained after the experience, but this does not apply to the use of psychedelics. When I walked down the street towards the end of the trip, at some point I felt that I was lying on the grass in Barcelona and Octavio Rettig was pouring water into my face so that I came to my senses after the 5-MeO-DMT and this feeling was so real, as if I had slipped out of the present moment and found myself in another, the same present moment. When I participated in Ayahuaska ceremony, I felt with all my heart that what is happening to me happens "as scheduled", and all the previous key events of life did not look like incoherent nonsense, but as notes creating a beautiful melody. Am I the wounded boy? Oh, when Leo started talking about boys who remain so in their 30-40 years, that was what I noticed. And especially when he started talking about those men whose attitude towards women was distorted by some traumatic events and now they can not build worthy strong relations. I was not hurt or emotional about it, I was not at that time tied so much to my "character" because it calmly perceived even something that is very intimate and can seem painful. After all, I often do not want to admit to myself that something may be wrong with me, that my "posting" has been interwoven erroneously and it is my responsibility to make things better. It's easier for me to think that my girlfriend may not want to come into contact because of her sexual problems, that the previous relationship did not work out because of the fact that the ex-girlfreinds and I "did not really fit together," and so on. Thus, the narrative passes into what I would call the healing process. For me, the culmination was Leo's final phrase: "Reality is nothing but differences which are all the same and samenesses which are all different." I felt it with my whole being, although I could not wrap my mind around it. I went outside, turned on Pharoah Sanders music and walked along the waterfront to calm down and realize all that was happening, because what I experienced was beyond time. Honestly, I even more often admit to myself that I love our hard and brute reality for its seeming constancy. So, what Leo said about the 30-year-old boys and the injured Ego, who wants to have sex with the most beautiful women, but at the same time experiencing hatred for them, somehow responded in my mind. My mother raised me alone and was young enough, and her main "concerns" were making money so that we had food and a more or less decent life. Accordingly, she was not very developed emotional intelligence and often she was rude and even cruel to me. No, she did not beat me, but she regularly told me about what it was worth doing. A couple of years in the past, I probably would have said that I hated my mother for everything that I thought was her fault. I walked along the street and realized how meaningless it was to blame anyone for what was happening to me. I am the only one who has made the choice to live and therefore I exist. At any moment I can dissolve into infinity and be anything, I am anything. So who else can be responsible for my current life, except myself? What is the point of looking for the guilty, if in the end everything comes down to you yourself. Those who are guilty are only those who do not realize their deep connection with all the rest and are really convinced that what is happening is happening to him against his will. I thought about it and let go of the hurt and hate directed to my own mother. In my head thoughts were confident and clean, they sounded like a powerful stream of life: "I chose to live and at any time I can choose not to. No one can forbid me this, and therefore I am responsible for my choice. So I'm going to meet face to face with all the terrible and wonderful events of life and look at them with wide-open eyes, remembering that I made the choice to live, and therefore to meet with everything that will arise in my path. My mother endured me and gave birth, and then how much her strength was allowed and she tried to do everything. that she was able and thought it was right that I blossomed and was happy. How can I, the Consciousness, blame the Consciousness that it happened as it happened? I say thank you to my mother for the love and strength that she put into me and I thank for the love she gave and forgive for the pain caused. I forgive myself. " I Am Who I Am You have to be courageous to admit that something is wrong with you. You have to be humble to say to yourself "I do not know what exactly wrong". I've been slouching since I was a child, and although I've been making some effort to keep my back straight, I still have not managed to achieve consistency in this. Recently my girlfriend told me that she thinks that my stoop may affect my sexual unattractiveness for her. As I walked along the embankments, I wondered why I can actually stoop, why does my body curl up as if I'm hiding something and at the same time apologizing? I began to think about this and that's what began to flow through my thoughts: "The fact is that I'm embarrassed myself. I'm embarrassed that I was born a tall, strong and handsome man who, in addition to his natural physical complexity and charm, was smart enough and manly enough to feel that he is unhappy and that life is much bigger and brighter than the pathetic days of billions of people. I am a manly and open being who, by nature, was born not a frightened farmer, but a hunter who has thirst, passion and courage to recognize reality and go to dark forests for treasure for himself and his tribe. Is it my fault that I am what I am? Is it my fault that most of you are in a sticky forgetfulness and do not find the strength to face the truth? Is it my fault that my existence makes you ashamed of your weaknesses and see all your ill health in comparison with my inner light, which I stir up brighter, risking my life, refusing approval and walking alone for what I feel is right? Am I to blame for what I am? I am so for you, because I am inseparable from all of you. For your sake, God and my own happiness, I will no longer pretend to be who I am not because of instant comfort. I will no longer seem less than I am just because I was born big. I'm a man, I'm a warrior, I'm sexy, I'm loving, I'm brave and I'm ready to put my hands in mud and shit to get minerals out. I release myself from your guilt and condemnation and declare - I AM WHO I AM! " As I walked down the street and all these healing thoughts passed through my body, I felt deep self-confidence and satisfaction, I walked with my straight back and straightened shoulders and enjoyed my body and the awareness that I'm a big and sexy man who devotes his life his deepest passion and honest with himself. I felt that I could breathe deeply and not be afraid to be sexy. It's an animal feeling, it's an energy that I wish to feel for everyone. Not knowing And yet, the question "What am I" and why am I what I am left for me to be a dessert that I still have to try. At some point, it even seemed to me that God would never answer this question, because he is infinite, always changing and evolving, and even he is not always sure in what is lying around the corner. At the same time, I think he is sure that nothing can harm him, because it's all him, and he is love. What is love? I have not found a worthy answer, there is a feeling that this is everything from which existence is created. But I did not feel this enough to state finally. But it occurred to me a beautiful insight, which I would like to share with you: Happy Life - is a daily courageous step into emptiness with the faith that both who walking and the emptiness itself made up of love. The End I am very glad that I have the opportunity to share my experiences as personally as I have experienced them and hope that some of you will find them useful, inspiring and interesting. If you managed to catch my Ego by the tail and you see that somewhere I confused myself, please feel free to write a comment as honest as you want. Thank you, have a nice journey

@Serotoninluv Funny, now I’m more decisive to surrender. Even 5 minutes ago I was sitting in the living room at the county house and from the room of my grandma I’ve heard the singing on Russian: ”Death is playing us, Death is playing us But there is no death, there is no death”

@Leo Gura I mean 100% surrender to God, death. Do you remember it when you Leo again? Is there anything what can metaphorically describe that experience and how does it feels?

@Serotoninluv Yeah, 100% I often heard from people that they are don’t want to do psychedelics because they afraid to lose control. Last time I was also afraid to things like that and my thoughts was like that: what if I’ll start to behave like a crazy and will kill my cats, or will scream and neighbors call a cops, or I’ll harm myself. It’s all ego rationalizations for resistance to letting go. But it’s also a scare of unknown: “What if I’ll let go and everything turns horrible? What if I’ll stock in the timeless trap in some psychedelic hell?”

@cetus56 @Leo Gura Have you experienced it? Is it Sahaji Samadhi, when you are nothing except Groundless Ground, which feels like infinite sliding between every forms, but without focusing on any of those?

@Leo Gura Shit, I think I’ve never heard anything more brutal and terrifying. What can I do to trancendent it? I guess, the answer is to surrender. But which steps I can do practically to fully surrender to it?

@Serotoninluv Thank you! I was very inspired by your story! It’s so cool that you are scientists who went beyond materialist paradigme. I guess you are going very meta with your mind and consistency.

@Leo Gura Thanks! Maybe you can help me with some misunderstandings. I can’t grasp, why am I scary to go into this state of emptiness fully. If this is who I am really, why does it scare me? I mean, it feels not as pleasant as I expected and I’m not willing to go There with full surrender, because it feels like an endless sound which echo itself into infinity. And it’s also kinda lonely there. How can I trancedent these scare and embody deep love and happiness, which I believe is the essence of everything?

@SoonHei I'm highly recommending to you to participate in the retreat with 5-meo or do it by yourself (but i think better to start with someone who has an experience). It's little scary but the Truth itslef very very intresting and worth it 100% sure. You will face your True Nature and it's becomes much easier to ace life and set priorities right. For me Life is nothing but Love Loving Love, the whole body orgasm which happening all the time. You can live with love, enjoyment, excitment and love to everything, but to embody it fully you need to work a lot. Is there anything which worth your energy more that that? I doubt it) After I've back from my retreat I'm determined as fuck to live my life fully, feel everything and enjoy this crazy nonsense called life!)

@SoonHei Every time when I remember that terror I can feel it, but I've not thinking to much about the nature of it. Imagine, that everything what you know and belive, thoughts about yourself (as a person) is just darkness in the room. But darkness is not a state, it's simply lack of light. Than imagine that suddenly there is a light of the sun shines in that dark room and there is no more any partical of shadow. But it feels like your whole body has been tearing apart! Your mother and your father, earth, friends, emotions, fears, anxiety, depression, negative thinking, problems, love, happiness, sex, enjoyment, how the world look like and how it should or shouldn't be in your perspective - this is your whole entire body and know you facing that it is not you! You are not exist! But you believed in that so deep, so become too attached and now, when you realise that you are not it you're scared as fuck! I don't know what excatly, but something holds back to reconize it. I guess ME - the one who deniyng to accept the truth, becuase if it will happen - I will DIE. I am, the one who lives in the presence of that consciousness all that time and was thinking that there is nothing more now realized that life can be without it. Life - is I AMNESS by itself. There is no need in poor little Me. I guess, this is what terryfied me

@legendary This is huge! You are warrior! I've been at the same retreat in spain, where you planning to go I guess in October. You can check out my report about it It's very right. Every time when I remember my expirience it feels like my whole body can be ripped for the less than a second Yeah, I'm failed also! I was screaming and rolling on the ground, but it's Okay! The best advices which I've got from Octavio, Martin Ball and my own insights: The more Love you've expirienced, the easier it's going. I've saw people, who not so deep into self-actualisation, but they know what is love and their hearts are opened and they feeling themself safe in the unknown grounds. Try to fill yourself with love and especially while you'll be on retreat. From Octavio: Body is your Temple. If you know and feel your body, you'll find it much easier to be aware while tripping. Do push-ups, dance, yoga and everything what can make you freinds with your body. From Octavio: The more you'll tripping with 5, the more you'll become familiar with the experience. I've liked Octavio's metaphore: "It's like a new car. You need to get used to it and than you can drive fully. Experience with other different psychedelics can be benefitial. It's like going from karting to Formula 1) From Marting Ball: I've asked him "I want to become more aware and remember everything in next experience with 5, and also become God without fear and resistance. What should I practice more for that goal?" And here what he has answered: I've saw couple people on the retreat who were doing somethnig like that. But Octavio Rettig and also Leo, as I get their words, has an different opinion to that effect and do not care about it too much. Just side effect. But it seems, that those who were doing those movments was experiencing more profound, pleasunt states than those who were screaming or vomiting I've smoked it, but has no experience with HCI. It's okay, you'll figure it out fast. But I'll recomend you to read "Entheogenic Liberation" and "The Toad of Dawn". They both describes procces of using 5 Feel free to text me personal!) Good Luck

@Privet Yeah, but it seems for me more like a lack of capability to express yourself in the right way (on the language of those, whith whom you communicating). I've saw that video not so far ago and find out that there is a couple red flags in the both of us. I don't think I should be solo before everything will be solved, as well as she. Yeah, I feel right now that these situation isn't about right or wrong, it's about communication and also my own growth and lack of understanding how to solve conflicts. I've heard a little about working with the shadow, but not familar with that and never made it directly. Can you share some information and "how to" about it? Sure, but is't it'll happend because of awareness of yellow about the whole spiral and capability of "transforming"? In Don Beck's book there is a good quote "Spiral Master can wear three-piece suit or jeans depending on situation". I don't think that tear 1 can be comparative with tear 2 in that case.

There is always potential to grow or downgrade on spiral, both horizontally and vertically. It's often the question of enviremonet (inner and outer). Stage can grow or outgrow if there is a challenge which can be solved only by one stage. I mean, if you now will be dropped in the deep forest of Amazonia you'll activate your biege stage or imagine if you are gay from Netherlands, who moved to live in Iraq or North Korea. It's often about your worldview, approaches and values.

@CuteCornDog You know, when I’ve started to do karting sports for the first 20-30-40-50 times I was often do mistakes and can’t race like I want (and still do, but less or different). In the 6 or 7 races in which I was participating I won only once, and becomes last about four times. And I have so much troubles to karting well, I need to practice more, get shaped, concentrate better, know how to overcome rivals etc. But I love it so much, that feeling of excitement, that flow state that I can achieve sometimes when I’m driving, that challenge of competition, that feeling that you’ve done your best, sound of engine, feeling of speed, smooth turning, overtaking, best time on the lap etc. Do you think I should quit karting?

@Privet , @NoSelfSelf Here it is Example #1 When we’ve traveled to Estonia. Me, my GF and her two old friends (they are couple). We get to know each other before so I was feeling comfortable with them. So while we hanging around in the city I’ve cracked a lot of jokes and my gf thought that some of them was offensive for them. And in general she was thinking that I’m too egocentric, because I can say that I want turn on some of my music while we riding in their car or say that I want or don’t want something. My gf pissed me at the end of travel by her nervousness about my “unpolite” behavior, and, vice versa, she was pissed of me. After we got back, we even had a serious conversation about my unpropriate behavior, but couple week after when we’ve had a dinner with those guys I’ve asked them to answer genuinely, was everything alright in the travel and they said to us that yes, everything was good. Example #2 This one is about my “teenage” behavior. It has happened while we were at our friends apartments. Imagine couch, tv in front of it, and soft chair in the left from the couch. My gf was in that chair and friends were sitting on the couch, playing video games. My gf calls me for something and I walked between tv and couch (it’s like 0,5 second way) and my gf showed me what she was wanted and after asked to walk around, for being more comfortable for guys. I was already pissed, cause we’ve hanging with our friends all night and I’ve had a 5 or 10 fresh judgements about my behavior from her and that whole theme has started to really annoying me at general. So I’ve made how she was asking, but “acting out” and trying to express what I feel about it. I felt like these is an only way she will start to think twice before taking too serious those little imperfections. We’ve had a couple conversation before and I’ve already said to her: “I will change in some of my behaviors, if you really feel uncomfortably, but you better be aware that often I feel myself censured and unauthentic, but you better think before - does that comfort and politeness more important for you, than my feelings”. Example #3 Me, GF and her sister with her husband sitting at the table. My gf saying that we’ve ended to watching second season of “Dirk Gently”. Husband said: “Oh, why the fuck you’ve done it? Second season is fucking bullshit” and I’ve answered with a little agression something like “Oh, come on! It isn’t as bad as you saying”. At that moment my GF looked at me like, you know how people do that, when they want to ashame somebody silently. It’s looked like person suddenly tries to poke ? But at that time (was couple days ago) I’ve stopped a conversation and asked publicly - was her sister or her husband offended by my expression of opinion. Nobody was offended Example #4 My gf get back from euro trip with her friends and me and her sister are took her from the bus station. While she was in that trip some of her freinds pissed her off by some unconscious pattern with money (alsways preaching about how everything expensive, asking how much other has and etc.), especially at the end of it. So while we drove on our way to home she was expressing her negative feelings and anger about it. I was okay with that, but after 20-25 minutes I’ve started to feel myself uncomfortable, plus it’s not the vibe that we need, while we will dinner together, so I’ve said to my GF that we better change our topic, but she got offended. I didn’t get why and she starts to explain me, that it’s sounds like “I’m fucking tired of this shit and I’m already had a headache, so shut the fuck up”. I was denying it, but her sister said that it was really sounds like that. Example #5 Another teenage We were at the gas station and gf and our freinds was smoking at the backyard if it. I was walking to them from the shop and when I’ve started to come closer gf asked me to buy some napkins. I get pissed a little because it was second day after my foot finger surgery plus I’m triggered a by that addiction discrimination. For example, if you in the car with two smokers - it’s somehow okay that they’ll smoke. So I’ve spontaneously answered like “Why me?” Example #6 I was going to work and searching for a cloth for myself. I’ve took the jeans and gf said, that I need to iron them before putting on. I’ve answered that I don’t want, she said it second time and I’ve answer again with some childish notes in my voice. Like teenager answers “I don’t want!” Example #7 When her mom asking 5-7 times to eat something I’ve becoming a little annoyed and can’t hide that reaction.

This is exactly what I was thinking about. For the first time I was triggered and afraid that I can regress to blue, but last week I’m reading about spiral and even become gracious for the challenge which can make me better. Thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s made that issue clearer!

@Privet Because of hope, that we’ll figure out how to interact with peace and believe that nothing will happen without work. We both want and at the same time don’t want to be together Because it’s easier to be by yourself, but also can be rewarding to be with somebody. I guess, spiral dynamics explain it's very well: when individuals, organizations and society’s faces new type of problems, they are trying to work “harder and better” with the same old instruments. Than, when they are realizing that it doesn’t work, become despaired and can regress to the lower or progress to the new, more complicated stage. I guess we as a couple now facing it But it’s true that unfortunately I’m not sure right now that I can feel myself great with or without her and it’s can be a problem.

@Lynnel Thanks! There will be a retreat in October. Same place, same organization. You can ask me a contacts in private. Idk about Octavio’s schedule, you can find his page in the Facebook and yeah, he has a webpage

@MrDmitriiV Cool! Now I'm reading Don Beck's "Spiral Dynamics" and becoming more familiar with the whole spiral. But your clues are very clear! Thank you!)

@Martin123 But how you think will be better to do if she experiencing emotional struggle while I’am actcing like I used to. But I’m also didn’t enjoy by acting like she’s want. Do you mean I should put aside my own likes and dislikes?