Ar_Senses

@Leo Gura Does it mean, that my ability to conceptualize things and understand that, for example, girl who is stroking her hairs while we have a conversation finds me attractive, belongs not to Arsen, a human-chimp, but to a God? I mean, Arsen also a God, but devided and limited into form. In your last video you've said that thing which watching through ours eyes is God himself, pure formlessness. But who is connecting the dots between stroking hairs and attractiveness? Mind of devided God as human-chimp or God himself?

Isn't it just so complex for human mind, especially tear one, that it feels like God is a-logical? I mean, for me even car or oven is pure magic, because I don't know shit about it mechanisms, but my gaming experience and using a lot of cheat-codes and trainers saying me that it's very logical that if God is Fromless Nothingness, which has unlimited abilities, that everything what he's create is perfect. I think, that even craziest mindfuck can become very logical, when your defenition of world logic a recontextualized.

Insane! I don't understand, how is it possible to overlook that and not asking reality? It's literally everywhere. Funny, how it works. I guess video "how to use psychedelics for personal development" can teach me a lot. Thanks!

@Leo Gura I guess, I'm asking next: what is the way of using 5-meo-dmt to meet the Godhead from the current state of conscious and bring some wisdom back with me into my everyday life?

So, the answer is "Be fucking patient! It's worth it" But do you think I'm able to use 5-meo-dmt already? My first expirience with Octavio Rettig was not so good, after all. 3 of 3 trips was mostly unconscious, while I'm screamng and rolling on the ground. I'm a little afraid for my mental health, but at the same time I have a strong desire to meet the Godhead and be conscious of it even for a minute.

@Leo Gura Will you do a video about fractals? Why they are everywhere and so on. Maybe there is a good source about it which you can share? About Perfect Design: I'm in 24 y.o. and have a lot of foundational work to do - life purpose, nutrition, money, success, relationship, eliminating bad habits etc., but at the same time in love with understanding metaphysical Truths about reality. After your last video I was so impressed by that insight of Absolute Goodness of everything, that I was even able to feel it and see inside and all around me - great, liberating feeling. I wish I can see and appreciiate Perfection of everything in the everyday life, while surviving and building myself into healthy human being and this proccess will never end till my physical body is dead, I guess. What you think will help to do that? 5-meo-dmt retreat? Regular using of psychedelics? I mean, of course contemplation, kriya-yoga, journaling, shamanic breathing etc. can be useful, but it's hard to practice all of them while I'm all needy in succeed life purpose, sex-life and wealth. I'm meditating about last 3 years, but with my ENTP type there is not a lot of chances to breakthrough with regular meditation. Last year I've even decided to integrate more of the Orange-stage into me, because have felt the inability to go into Yellow without proper integration, but there is a drive inside me, which always drags me into thinking and learning about the most abstract things, I'm enjoying it a lot. For me, right now, you and Joseph Campbell are great examples of living a good life.

@Shaun Why is that problem of somebody else that something offensive or insulting for you? What if your name is offensive for me? What if killer of my daughter named Shaun? Is it my problem, that it's bothering me, or yours?

@tecladocasio Of course, there is a thousands of perspectives, but if my mom and litlle brother will die in the car accident it can bring goodness even to you, maybe guy who will crash in them also will die, and never join an ISIS, and therefore never will come in your hood to explode himself in the mall? If you want to test my bias - I've contemplated thay enough to understand the relativity of any perspective. But know we talking about Absolute Something in which everything happening. Just look around - it genius. Just think about how balanced our planet with it's atmosphere, winters and falls, predators and mammals. And yes, it's very easy to see, how your post can be goodness. I'm planning to go to the bank at the moment and if I won't answer to you, I'd probably be ouside, and who knows, maybe I'd be laying dead on the road, because of the drunk driver. Cool thing, yeah?

@Adam M Damn, it’s a great idea to rent an apartment at air bnb! I’m also have a hard time to trip at my place fully alone without worries about neighbors.

There is a three big time movies that has a very clear representation of stage-orange excesses:

Hey there, everybody. Need some help/advice or support in the theme of self purification. It’s hard for me while I’m “inside” of all those dynamics to really stop and understand how to free myself from some bullshit that I’m doing constantly. If you have a genuine interest in helping I’ll try to describe the dark sides of my character for you, therefore you’ll be able to get a broader perspective on the situation: 24 y.o. Spiral Dynamics: Grounded in stage Green, but heavily influenced by Orange. Having a wet dreams about Yellow and trying to embody it more here and there because of my natural love in wisdom and understanding. ENTP (MBTI 16-types of personality) ADHD brain type (because of shitty childhood + genetics; not taking meds, but experimenting with nootropics) Top-4 weakness’s: Modesty and Humility Industry, diligence and perseverance Self-control and self-regulation Citizenship, teamwork and loyalty • Top-5 negative habits and addictions: Food (junk, cafe, coffee, sweet + my GF also hooked on it so it’s harder to keep myself away) Procrastination/Laziness/Distraction (ADHD + IDK what exactly, feels like it’s stage green excesses like “man, just relax”, “everything will flow to you” + a lot of self esteem issues while growing (school problems because of adhd, low-class single mother, toxic friends) Porn and masturbation (while having a GF, but with problems in sexual domain - she’s having a physical problems which aren’t able to cure around a year + negative bias’s about sex and infections etc) Social Media - Instagram, YouTube, messengers (it’s going very unconsciously, sometimes can’t take off myself sometimes for hours) Poor financial management (as I’ve mansions - low-class upbringing + green stage excesses like “I don’t need to work hard for money. It should to figure out somehow) There is some positive things that I’m doing to grow myself on the everyday basis: Leo’s videos Books and reading (self-help from the booklist) Concentration (3 min) + Meditation (20-50 min) + Affirmations (5 min) + Visualisatiob (5 min) Jiu-Jitsu (about two month) Life Purpose course (already ended but there’s a lot of “polishing” needed) Contemplation (unsystematic, but naturally talented) One of my biggest struggles in life is to get my shit together and be disciplined to do the work which in necessary. It’s obvious for me, that all those habits are about “rooting” myself into improper sources. There is something wrong with a strategy. I see that my top goal in that sphere is to get rid of food addiction, and have a clean healthy diet because it has a chain reaction on my ability to focus and self-control, which influencing procrastination, jurking, more food, bad financial decisions. I’m trying to use nootropics to “build up” my cognition for being able to clean up my diet but for now it’s failing. I have a sense of purpose now and a vision (has ended Life Purpose Course), which is inspiring for me. But yet something isn’t right. I love the idea that addictions is a lack of understanding of limitations it in the first place. So, the biggest obstacles that I see now to drop food addiction: Lack of commitment and responsibility Bad environment (Girlfriend, Parents when we met them, cafe and fast food all around the city) Lack of money (For better food; list of supplements and nootropics; for EEG and Neurofeedback to heal myself from ADHD) Lack of understanding of the benefits of being clean Lack of enjoyment and fulfillment, which brings peace and unhook from cravings Okay, while I’m writing this I’ve got an idea! Let me try to answer some questions from Leo’s video about addictions: • Step 1: Choose your addiction It’s easy! Foooood (on-nom-nom). BTW I’m not overweight (lucky bustard) • Step 2: Make a list of examples of your addiction occuribg in your everyday life: Ok! 1) When I’m going from point A to B there’s often a craving inside “Let’s go get some burger or bakery”. 2) While I’m sitting at home procrastinating my Life Purpose or job (y’all know how we do it, baby). Sorry, I’ve become playful for some reason (because it’s funny) while writing all that. At the start it were more serious. 3) When my fucking girlfriend (hello shadow) offer me some delicious shitty food which I’m not able to deny. 4) While I’m going after training and went too some fast food on the way to the metro station. Pure unconsciousness. 5) While we are visiting her (gf) parents, who are stage Blue/Orange and love to eat a lot (it’s so delicious). 6) When we visiting her (gf) sister and her husband, who are also Blue\Orange. 7) With freinds at cafe/restuarant Step 3: Ask yourself: (1) "How is that addiction a part of my personality?", (2) "For which function it serve?", (3) "What exactly I'm avoiding with the help of that addiction? 1. Starting from my childhood I've always ate some shit. Hiding it from my mom, because she has banned junk food. Most of the money that I had I've spent on food and entertainment. My whole childhood and youth was me concentrating on getting enjoyment and avoiding discomfort and my whole environment served to it easily - nobody care about me much, friends are also were intresting only in entertainment. It's a good way to hide from all anxiety and obligations, which I were never able to succeed. Limiting belief that failure is bad, which I'm kinda overgrowed right now. I guess, that craving for low-consciousness enjoyment is a part of my persona as a low self-esteem loser, with no purpose and understanding of his own value, who aren't believe that he can reach a good, wealthy, fullfilling life because of lack of support and love from surroundings and oneself. Fuck, now I'm sad and full of self-compassion. Poor little me... 2. Therefore, there's only a cheap and dumb ways to enjoy life - food, jerking off, games, sex, movies and tv shows etc. Why working hard for the bigger enjoyment, which I haven't experienced, when there's so familiar roads to "get high" and forget about my neurosis and unfullfilment? Maybe it's the same as after jurking off? It's not my only perspective and I know and even had a direct experience of fullfilment by the genuine and authentic activity. But that type of "poor boy with lack of self-confidence", apparently, still have a deep roots in my persona. 3. I'm avoidng hard work and boredom, pain and discomfort. For about a ten years I built neural roads, highways through short-term enjoyment and avoiding discomfort, difficulties, fear, anxiety, facing my lack of love and support, depression and pain, which I had no one to share. I'm not feeling anything about it at that point. It's just as it is. I'm not feeling myself as a victim right now and my things are going pretty good, normal. I know what I want and moving forward to it. Step 4: Why do I need that addiction? At that moment, I guess, to help myself escape a boredroom and lack of happiness. I feel myself unhappy often, bacause of lack of money, or procrastinating Life Purpose, or lack of freedom and independence. I'm often overwhelmed by quantity of chores and obligations, which I resistant to do - earning money, doing hard work, dealing with relationships etc. Therefore there is a belief, which sounds like: Stimulating food can bring me happiness and help me to avoid overwhelning, frustration and depression. Step 5: How my life will look like without food addiction? I will feel myself lighter, more energized and efficient, my mind will be sharper and cleaner, I will wake up easy, my skin will be clean and healthy, my guts will be healthy and functioning well, my ADHD side effets will not bother me, I'll be able to work hard on my Life Purpose, expirience higher-states of consciousness while meditating, will do self-inquiery and journaling, planning and concentrating, my monkey mind will be lesser, therefore I'll be able to sleep sweeter and better, I'll be to feel deeper the benifits of supplements and nootropics, I'll enjoyng life more, will know how to deal with boredom and negative emotions properly, in a healthy way. I will feel the inner peace and enjoyment more often, because will understand better how it work and my body will be clean from the toxines, which are influencing my mind and body, emotional state. Step 6: Am I able to let it go? Not yet...

@JustinS I was at vipassana last year. It was cool, there I had zero complainants about food. It was out of my environment and interest, therefore I was able to keep myself clean. But 10 day retreat not always can free oneself from addiction, if it not psychedelics retreat or solo and etc.

Damn, last episodes about God was pretty good! Now I'm able to get the deception (my own and all around me) with the proper respect! It's really genius and so simple. Understanding really feels like something about sexuality. The Formless one experiencing itself through everything (forms) and if it'll be too easy to get the inner game God won't be able to experience it with all the depth. Now it's obvious for me why creativity is so valuable and satisfying - because You as a form serving to God in his understanding itself through inventing something (new form) which never existed before.

@Leo Gura Do you think that Zone of Genius “understanding the root causes and principles of life” are the same as “big picture thinking”?

Hey there, Actualizers. I've done my Life Purpose course at Autumn of 2018. I've experienced a lot of resistance while doing it, but nevertheless - it's done and now I know myself so much more, it's even hard to believe that there was a time when I didn't knew or paid attention to my top Values, Strengths and important concepts like "Resistance", "Mastery", "Hero's Journey", "Purple Cow" etc. I have a problems with it and need some help, questions and advices from you! First problem: Am I Leo's clone or just very alike? My purpose, values and interests are so close to the Leo's (he in my lists of three inspiring human beings) that I'm afraid that I'm just copying him. From the other side there is a lot of similarities between us that are very authentic for me. I was interested in the nature of reality and understanding of how everything works even when I was a teenager. I'm even got to know and learn about Life Purpose and Zone Of Genius before found the Actualized.org channel. Same story happened with psychedelics - I was intuitively interested and learning about it even before Leo recognized that it has a potential for growth. Not that I'm just using some LSD at the party, I'm really reading and watching videos about it far before try it. Same story with meditation - I've started to practicing zen from my first course at the college. It’s all very close to Leo's intentions and values, it's making me nervous even if I aware of everything I've mentioned before. Second problem: There is no tears while im visioning Down below I'll try to describe my personality as accurate as possible, therefore you'll be able to understand me more and help me with my anxieties. I remember visioning that I'm becoming somebody who living fulfilled, juicy, rich and happy life. That I'm somebody who set example to others and anybody can understand without words "There more to live, than you can even imagine!". I'm imagining that people get to know from me about Life Purpose, Deepest Truths about reality, Wisdom, Mysteries. That I'm somehow figured out how to communicate that truths to people even better than through words and emotions. But there is no tears, at the moment I can't achieve that state which Leo demonstrate in his vision video. And that is put me in a worry. Let's imagine that I'm a RPG-character Life Purpose: To inspire people and share wisdom to make their lives richer and happier Zone of Genius: Figuring out the life (uncertain) Top-10 Values: Wisdom; Truth; Freedom; Adventure; Self Expression; Peace; Contribution; Communication; Health/Energy/Strength; Leadership. Top-5 Strengths: Spirituality, sense of purpose and faith; Curiosity and interest in the world; Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness; Woo (enjoing the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you); Humour and playfulness. Spiral Dynamics: Grounded in Green, jumped to soon through Orange (need to embody it deeper) wish to move at Yellow in 2-3 years MBTI Type: ENTP (Debater) - Tested myself with biennial intervals - same results. Me myself, girlfriend and close friends are agreed that it's pretty accurate description of my persona. The interesting thing is in the NT-element which is called “Promethean” I’m really inspired by that image and meaning, which it contains. I’m in love to help people to become God-like with help of “Fire” (Wisdom). I’m already doing that type of work on practice with my friends and closest circles. 5 Trades: Cognitive Style - Intellectual; Organizational Style - Flexible; Energy Style - Ambiverted; Management Style - Responsive; Interpersonal Style - Competetive 20-year career plan: Practicing and learning a lot of Mysticism, Spiral-Dynamics and Systems Thinking (zone of genius work). Become a salesman in HR sphere to accumulate €10000 for iPec 1-year course in Netherlands. Participate at iPec coaching course and becoming a consultant who are using Spiral-Dynamics to help powerful and passionate people to move at the Stage Yellow. To live and work in Netherlands. Finally be able to pursue enlightenment without anxiety about basic Maslow-hierarchy needs (money, work, social status etc.). Have enough net-worth to get a degree at Maastricht University as a bachelor of psychology and participating in psychedelics studies. Become a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black belt. Become deeply grounded at the Stage Yellow. Initiate opening of Neo-Sanatorium, where people will be able not only use traditional spa/massage/bath procedures, but also use MDMA/Mushrooms therapy, DMT, 5-MEO-DMT, LSD, Kambo, Psychotherapy, Coaching, Shamanism etc. to get deeper understanding of the nature of reality or reconnect with it among legit professional facilitators, medical assistants, guides. Dive deep into Spirituality, stage Turquoise awakening, pursuing enlightenment even harder. Short-term goal: To embody stage Orange properly and close my struggles with money and career, eating clean. Key Story Elements: Retreats and Psychedelics: 10-day vipassana retreat, LSD, Ayahuasca Ceremony, Kambo, Bufo Alvarius (5-meo-dmt) retreat with Dr. Octavio Rettig Embodied Practices: Concentration (10-13 min); Meditation (20-40 min); Affirmation (5 min); Visualisation (5 min); Reading; Nootropics. Half-ass embodiment: Self-Inquiry; Journaling; Contemplation; Zone Of Genius Work; Supplements. Sports: Pull-ups, push-ups at home; Jiu-Jitsu (2 times a week, started 11.2018) Place: Russia. Moved from my own town to Saint-Petersburg (6 mln population, big city near Europe) when I was 18 y.o. to study at the University of Cultures and Arts. Money Archetype: Innocent (limiting belief that I'm unable to work with money, so it's better to avoid it at any cost), Idealist (limiting belief that money problem should be solved without labour). Issues: ADHD Education: Always had a problems with discipline, respect to authorities, math, physics, homework. End up with good points for final exams in Literature (83/100), Russian and English languages (73/100 and 76/100, Social Studies (67/100). Win a government budget program to become a bachelor of social-cultural activities in the University of Culture and the Arts, experienced a lot of difficulties with constancy and discipline, stupidity and low-consciousness, but was recognized as a talented guy. Left at last year. Was too arrogant and judging. Career: Started to work since 15 y.o., worked as prometer at the streets, art-gallery assistant, art-manager, art-director at restaurants, journalist for karting-centre, interviewer, concert-manager, salesman for music collective, shitty administrator at the recording studio . Vision Board: Click Here So guys, please, ask me a questions which can get busted my Ego-self and figure out is it Authentic intentions or Self-Deception. If you struggled with something similar - share your story with me and help to overcome this fucking self-doubt. Thanks! P.s. @Leo Gura if you have some time to give an advice to me it'll be perfect.

Thanks! I appreciate that you've answer! As I’ve contemplated more I’ve realized that Mysticism and Metaphysics for me are worth 20, 30, 50 years of practicing without any doubt. It’s highly interesting and rewarding. But I see that Systems Thinking and Spiral Dynamics are highly beneficial on my way of realizing Life Purpose and Awakening. I’m fascinated and genuinely interested in master them too (especially SD). Do you think that SD and ST are subfields of the Mysticism/Metaphysics? How many percentage of deliberate work you’ll recommend to spend on them? How many hours you yourself spent on developing understanding and embodiment of SD and ST?

My biggest strength is Spirituality and Curiosity. I’m into HR a little bit, but I’m highly independent and can’t imagine myself happy as an HR-employee. I’m more into people than organizations and I love to see how somebody gets “AHA!” after our conversation. My vision is highly “progressive” for the current culture and it’s very hard for me to imagine that I’ll satisfy my values while helping organization at the day after day basis to transit from orange to green. But I can imagine very well that I’m coaching owner or CEO to understand what is needed to grow.

100% After my personal participation in ceremony’s with Octavio I’ll say that it’s not the best way for serious seeker who has no serious experience with substances. Octavio has he’s own perspective on it which sounds like “the bigger - the better”. He don’t believe that Martin Ball has reached enlightenment and anybody can (info from our personal conversation). I think retreats like that better for stage green integration.

Almost a month ago I've had the Most Important Experience in my life, and here I want to put it all out because I want to be of service to those brave hearts, who entered this interesting and scary path of Truth, share some wisdom from Martin Ball and also I need your opinions and perspectives on what has happened and what it was about. First, I will show the table of contents, so you understand what will be discussed: Story itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa The most beautiful people I've ever met Kambo Octavio Rettig - the bravest warrior First session - Screaming Baby (With M.Ball comment) Second Session - Am I Dead? Third Session - Birth of The Men (With M.Ball comment) After-effects Ego strikes back (With M.Ball comment) There is so much work to do Ending Questions Story Itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Okay, so I'm 23 y.o. and I'm from Russia, Saint-Petersburg About 4 years ago I was lucky enough to know about the Leo's channel while searching in the Internet on "how to deal with depression". I was at my first course of getting a degree and life seemed very boring, very stupid and did not make any sense, so I've started to learn about life, going to psychotherapist, reading books and watching Actualized.org videos and meditating. Years go by, I've improved myself and my despair turns into Curiosity. I was learning more about meditation, enlightenment, have some profound but stupid experience with Nbome (high harm potential), than I was on the Ayahuasca retreat and keep contemplating more about Nature of Reality and working with purification of self from traumas. Because of my ADHD (in Russia doctors know about it even less than an average American) it's hard for me to keep on long run for achieving something, so thats why when I've heard about 5-meo-dmt I become very intrested in working with it - I'm ready to do the steps which are better despite the fact that they are harder. In 2017 Leo leaked on the Blog information about Bufo Alvarius retreat in Barcelona. When I wrote to organisator there already was no room for participation. So the next year, when letter was dropped to my inbox I was excited so much, so I booked a place for myself immediately. I was very determined to go there and my goals were - 1) To realize the True Nature of Everything by my own experience 2) To connect more with my heart, which was really numb. Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa For those, who are really interested in participation I want to share some information about environment and atmosphere around the place. The cost of the whole retreat was 550 euro, in that price was included: accommodation in the villa from 12th to 16th of July, three meals a day, Kambo ceremony, smoking toad venom with Octavio Rettig (I've made it 3 times). Villa was located in the Catalonian hills near little town, it's specifically prepared for events like Ayahuasca ceremony, San-Pedro etc. There is no houses around, so nobody can interrupt by accident. The house was big and very cozy, if you are alone you'll live in the common room for other men/women. But there was also a space for couples. Food was simple but very good (and Spanish). Environment was perfect - crickets made their natural trance music all the time, trees and mountains on the horizon was as beautiful as the night sky full of stars which you will never be able to see in a big city. The most beautiful people I've ever met The atmosphere was very cozy, the owners of villa - old spanish couple, which were very very kind and funny (they were hippies in the past). There was 30 people who was participating in the retreat (about 50% women, 50% men) and you can't even imagine how deep I was fulfilled because of the reason that I can have a real-life conversations about life/death/purpose/enlightenment/psychedelics etc. Those were the bravest and the most open people I've met in my life and the whole retreat was bounded with love and compassion to each other. Of course it was possible also because of the atmosphere of retreat and maybe if we've met in the metro or bank queue I'd never feel anything like this. But thats why setting is very important and there it was very good. I've met about 4 or 5 people who was watching Actualized.org - and those were the youngest ones). I've met a 21 girl from Europe, who already has had an experience with Bufo in the last year and after that she was going non-dual from time to time. Also I've met a guy from British Islands who has got his Life Purpose course done and his experience with 5-meo was very very profound, he has done a great job and it was very satisfying to see that we are not just mental masturabators, who pretend that they are Spiritual or Developed, but really are brave young human beings who are ready to do hard and scary work to become better and know what the fuck this strange Reality is! Kambo For me it wasn't feeling very profound. I was doing it for the first time, so it was a little dosage of frog nectar for me. So, I've made a half bucket of my own vomit, let a lot of my shit on the toilet (this one about holding emotions inside). When you do Kambo ceremony the next day is the day, when you feel lighter, more energetic and free. But for me it was very hard to recognize is it working or not. I have hard times feeling my body and sensations which occur (I'm very "in mind" person) and also I was so happy for an opportunity to communicate with so much interesting people, so it felt like even without any medicine I would feel myself very energetic and happy!) Octavio Rettig - the bravest Warrior Oh, this one is huge, so I don't even want to go deep. I'll be short: this men touched the darkest bottom of his Ego while have been addicted to crack-cocaine in Mexico and from skinny half-dead junky he turned himself to be the most authentic, inspiring and selfless human being I've ever seen. I recommend you to read his book "The Toad of Dawn" and learn more about him and his work. But you'd better be prepared - he won't crouch with your Ego and expectations about reality and how something should be. If you had a cocaine addiction and came to him for cure, it's not necessary that he will be kind with your Ego. He will be as it is required, because he knows very very well in what kind of shit hole you are. For me personally Octavio is a hero and an example of Man, who is not domesticated by collective Ego. It does not mean that he is cruel or harsh, quite the opposite. It feels like Universe is going through him without any filters and for those, who are used to politically correct media entertainment he can be shocking a little, so you better prepare yourself. P.s. Dr. Rettig has more than 8000 ceremonies in his practice, but It is true, that he has lethal cases in his experience: 3 people died while participating in the ceremony. 2 old men by some heart issue and one 26 years old women, whose cause of death is unknown to me. For 8000 - 3 people is a very little statistic, I guess more people die from skiing. So if you decide to participate you better know your health situation and know, that is not a fucking joke. Go see some videos about him and his work: VICE Documentary about Bufo Alvarius First Session - Screaming Baby After the first breath, I remember just how much everything was before my eyes turned into a bunch of "pixels" that broke visible reality into thousands of energy circles. My whole body began to dissolve in infinity. There was only breathing and singing Octavio. The energy was very very overwhelming for this unprepared mind and body I remember how I was found myself lying down and screaming as loudly as it was possible. As I unwillingly shouted and tore the grass under my hands, and Octavio sang next to me and seemed to help me. My scream reminded me of myself. When I came back conscious, I laid on my back and sat on me, speaking English: "Welcome brother, welcome." I looked at him and my heart was full of self-pity, I felt tears in my eyes and took his hand. People gathered around me because of my scream, I looked around trying to understand what exactly happened. Octavio gathered people into a common circle and began to say gratitude to the earth, God and sun, and then to sing and jump. I looked around and tried to understand what had happened. My knees shook and tears streamed down my cheeks. P.s. When I come back to Russia I had questions which I've asked Martin Ball about some issues and reactions which had happened with me. Here are some of his answers on my screaming: Second Session - Am I Dead? Surprisingly, almost all the times when I came to my senses after trips I felt the need to attract attention and hoped that something extraordinary had happened to me. This is some strange game of the Ego, which I still do not understand. I completely do not remember what happened during the trip, but I remember when I started coming back, that the atmosphere around me seemed very restless. I had false memories of Octavio hanging over me with a worried look, I heard someone beside him nauseating and vomiting, Octavio spoke Spanish, and I thought he was worried. In the window the organizer was talking to someone on the street. It seemed to me that everything went downhill. It seemed that I was dead and that's why people around are worried. I could not believe it, but at the same time I felt embarrassed and regretted that it happened. "Did I really die? That sucks." I tried to get up from the grass and see if my body remains on the ground. Fortunately, everything was in order. A beautiful girl (assistant) came up to me and I told her that I was worried and thought that I was dead. She said that I lay still and looked peaceful. It turned out that in reality nothing extraordinary happened or disturbed. It just "seemed" like that for me. Later, when I approached Octavio and said "I thought I was dead," he said "Next time we'll kill you for sure". Third Session - Birth Of The Man For the third time, I inhaled the smoke of the substance and held it in my lungs. I looked straight ahead and tried to keep awareness. The grass, the horizon in front of me and the celestial vault again turned into "pixels." I can not track the time between when I was "cut down". But the video shows that I started screaming and rolling on the ground even more intensively than in the previous times. I grabbed my face and cried with all my might, it seemed to me that it was necessary to shout. It was so intense that at some point it seemed to me that from crying my head would burst in two, starting from the mouth. Several people took my hands and feet to move away from people who were sitting in the shade. Then, as the video shows, I was blown into the nose of "Rapé", first into one nostril, then to the other. I paused and in half a minute Octavio pulled me up so that I would rise to my feet. I stood opposite to him and held my hands to his shoulders. After a few seconds I began to make growling sounds and said, looking into his eyes: "You fucking made it!", And then "You are warrior!" And grabbed him by the hair. Octavio shouted and asked me to let go, but I did not. Several men came to the rescue. Octavio got out of my grip, and I teased and rambled incoherently. When Rodrigo helped Octavio break free from my hands, I turned my attention to him and began to tell him "I love you so much", "Let me kiss you!", "Do you find me sexy?". When I said these phrases I feel a sense of playfulness and insane self-confidence, as well as satisfaction. It was not a flirtation (I guess), it was a celebration of life in a healthy male young body. I was happy and showed everyone around that I'm alive and free, I love myself, life and the whole world! Then I, enjoying the feeling of free energy and excitement and ecstasy from life, began to say "I love myself!" "I'm a beast!". I felt myself as if my entire body was free and spoke with sensations "Finally! At last everything is as it should have always been! ". I showed everyone around, to my friends who knew the Truth to a greater or lesser extent, that I'm free and happy. I felt and showed that life is the triumph of itself in all manifestations and we can only love, enjoy and express ourselves to the full, because everything is PERFECT in itself and nothing matters. P.s. Here I also have a commentary from Martin Ball After Effects Ego strikes back So before plane has even touched mother Russia's ground, I was back to my weak-willed behaviour. Our last night in spain was in Barcelona so we went to a McDonalds , I've made some sandwiches with baloney and cheese etc. It's hard for me to keep a clean diet (I guess because of weak vision). When I was back to Russia the first couple of days was kinda normal. I met my friends, told them about my experience, even made a lot of notes about it. But without any doubts I was aware that I have not a fucking clue about what should I do with my life. I was anxious and knew that I've got commitments on a job which I must follow, but wasn't able to push myself and for a couple of weeks my After-life was about watching youtube and porn, reading books (cause I didn't have a problem with doing something that I love), eating unhealthy food and feeling myself not very good. Also I've bought the Life Purpose course almost a year ago and couple month ago, almost at the end of it, I've started to procrastinate on it very badly. I was aware that my problem revolves around lack of vision and purpose. And as I understand it - enlightenment is something that is hard to make the purpose itself. Purpose is more about impact on the world. But even I was aware, I didn't have strength to work with the course. But after the retreat I realized that beating and judging yourself is never an option. Love is really the answer, you can think about it like the gasoline, which needed to run the engine. The less love you have, the less strengths and ability to do something good you also have. When I've reached the point of apathy, which made me too worried (cause I really started to behave in the direction of loosing job) I also asked Martin Ball about that issue, and here what he's answer was: Yeah, so I tried to not hate myself and abuse with negative thinking and try to let everything go until something will happen by itself. My relatives asked me to live in their countryside apartments with cats and a dog, while they have a vacation. So I went there and first couple of days I wasn't doing anything except drinking coffee and racing in GTA Online. And what I find very nice - I was really having fun while playing. Really! I was laughing, while sitting alone because of excitement of races! I really started to feel something new inside my heart) At some point, I even had a bad conversation with my boss, after which she said that I no longer need to come to work! I was very frustrated with my job, because I lost any sense of how is my job connected to my heart and generating love and fulfillment. And you need to understand, after I came back from retreat the option of me dying or going broke or getting fired was not scary for me as much. Because I testified by myself, not by Leo's or someone else video, books or articles - I'm THE FUCKING NOTHINGNESS! I am the NUCLEAR REACTOR which always on the half-life! I am THE MOST UNEXPECTED BY ANY MIND! I AM THE MOST LOVING CHILD AND THE MOST PERVERTED PEDOPHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY! So do you really think I was bothered about the perspective of becoming broke or fired? No, not really. There is so much work to do But I was aware, that every game has its own rules. And now, when I become aware of the game very well It becomes even harder to do some stupid nonsense, which I don't love. And this makes me even more responsible. So I realized it and become very determined to finish my course. I've made all the remaining exercises and now I have my Life Purpose in the one concrete sentence and I have a vision which become more solid every day. Now my goal is to embody my Purpose - understanding as deep as possible Spiral Dynamics, Mysticism and Spirituality, purify myself, move to Netherlands, become a consultant and become great, because I really want to love myself, without intimidation. At that point of my Journey I find hard to understand the nondual nature of everything to the point, where I can do some stupid work and still enjoying being. P.s. After I've become aware of my Life Purpose and Vision it have become much easier to do stupid job for paying my bills, because I understand that it's a tool for sometheng bigger. I was searching for the Purpose, without it any job seems shitty. Now I'm doing it from the place of Love, not from worries, anxiety and fear. Here is something what Martin said about Love and Being: And a little bit about surrender: Ending That was a very big one, but after I went to the retreat where were so many people, who can share my pain and my joy, I'm starting to really appreciate the importance of Unity and Friendship. I want to feel a bound with those of you, who went through these trials and tribulation. I want to say, that I am not 100% sure in any of what I've said. I'm really not sure that I get even 5% of my experience right and am not a deluded mothefucker with very slippery mind. Thank you very much for attention and now I dare to ask even more. Please, help me understand myself more and where I'm at. I will ask some of questions that occur, but I'm also waiting your honest comments and maybe even debunking of my thoughts and insights. Also thank Leo very much for his work, I think I could probably have killed myself in the past, if not having had such a great tool for growth. If anybody wants to communicate with me/ask about anything/participate in the next Retreat etc - You are very very welcome to my inbox P.s. Sorry for my English, I'm not aware where exactly I have a mistakes, so it's hard to fix it) Questions Based on the text you read, where do you think I'm on the spiral dynamics? Based on the text you read, where do you think I was and am on the Hero's Journey? What do you think I really missed? Where do you think I really delude myself? What you feel or think about everything or something that you read? What conclusions did you draw after reading? Based on the text you read how you will characterized me in one sentence? Do you have any advice for me? Why you think it can help growth or realize myself?

Hello there! I'm naive 23 y.o. guy who had never made any comprehensive blood work and tests since high school. I've spent about 3 years trying to dealing here and there with my anxiety, depression, lack of focus and motivation, trying different stage green practices and only now I'm getting serious about nutrition and health But the problem is that I'm live in Russia, where most of doctors are very dogmatic and close-minded people, who's salary depends from government (very low) so they, most common, don't give a fuck about you. So if I'll come to the doctor (I've made it already) he'll ask me what injuries do I have, and if there is not - he'll recommend me nothing. So, in that situation, information is a key - I need to know, what tests and blood works I should deliberately do, to understand holistically where I'm at and then do the work, use nootropics and supplements without harming myself. I'll hope you can help me with that, @Leo Gura I'll appreciate if you made your contribution in that or even, maybe, made a list of tests and blood works in your blog post. Thanks

Holly Molly!) Thanks, man!) I appreciate it!

There is a periods in my life, when I can experience Deja Vu about 5-7 times in a week. And I was thinking, what is the metaphysical nature of that feeling of recognition of the present moment? Of course, I'm aware that sometimes violets are just violets

@winterknight Hey there! You've said that working with psychology is 90% of work. Before I had some bias about psychoanalysis, I thought that Gestalt or Transpesonal psychology has more progressive theories and practices, I've went Gestalt psychotherapist for about a year. What do you think about Gestalt school? Is it beneficial or I'll better find for myslef a psychoanalyst? If so, how can I find the right one? I've always thouth that psychoanalysis is very long and has a little potential for the potent growth. Also I had a problems in my relationship - we often fight with my GF and don't hear each other. We thinking about pair psychotherapy, what your thoughts on it? What the most effective way to solve relationship problems? Also she and I had a story of bad relationship.

3.2 It's seems for me after some contemplation and psychedelics that human being (and everything else) is nothing but something else. Like poetry, which trying to express something, which can't be articulate. What is Human being from absolute perspective? How can it be reconized from everything else if it's interconnected? 7.2 By you I meant @winterknight, not abstract. What if enlightenment being will expirience while on 5-meo-dmt? How will he went through it? 9.2 Who doesn't identifying with the mind? With what you identify with than? Thank you for answering! Also some another questions occur: 11. What you intrested in after you enlightent? Do you facinated by something special? 12. What is the purpose of art? 13. Does Body/Mind still has any addictions after your awakening? 14. What can help me to positivly motivate myself more to become awaken? Is there anything comprehensive for Ego what can help it (me) to buy into this work deeper and bacome even more determined? 15. What motivates you to do all these thread? 16. Why is there bodhisattvas? I still can't quite get it - why to help anybody who suffering, if suffering and Maya is an illusion? 17. Why your body didn't droped dead after awakening? Do you think you can go deeper into Sahaji Samadhi where everything collapsed into Ultimate Void? 18. Why the Nature of Everything is so self-referencing, fractal? Why people into deep mystical states see all those patterns, why spirals are so common? I mean, do you have any idea about the "style" of archaic nature and why it is like that? Sorry for so much questions, it's so curios

Hey there, @winterknight! Thank you for your intention to answer our questions. So, here is some of mine: 1. Can you describe what is Karma and it's function in the comprehensive way? 2. Do I understand correctly that even the Absolute Self does not always know what awaits it around the corner? 3. Is the same principle behind the creation of the sculpture of David and the human being? This is not David, but symbols, in combination of which you can see the image of David? 4. What is the mind? What do thoughts think? What kind of principle allows you to recognize symbols and interpret them? 5. Can life hint to me what is most important to me now with the help of situations, coincidences and suffering? 6. How old are you? What personality type, character do you have? What qualities do you think allowed you to achieve enlightenment? 7. What will happens to you if you use 5-meo-dmt? 8. How do you perceive sex after enlightenment? What could be his spiritual purpose? 9. Do you feel yoursef sometimes sad, depressed, tired, confused? 10. When I think about the obstacles that prevent me from achieving the desired, for example, financial independence, it seems to me that the matter is in my Ego. What can stop you from attaining what you want when you are enlightened?