DeannaDevil

@mandyjwI like your answer and I appreciate it. How do I do this without making it feel forced, like an act I need to maintain?

I'm not sure I understand what is so blissful. I don't desire anything. I don't desire to do anything particular. The unpleasant experiences both outweigh and outnumber brief moments of beauty like watching a sunset. The only thing I feel a wanting for is to avoid boredom because I have been in that state for so long and nothing seems to cure it. Sitting doing nothing is not enjoyable unless I'm looking at something amazing, which is rare, and even then I can't do amazing things all the time, so it just seems like a blip. However, because there is nothing I actively want, I can't move forward from this limbo I want to escape.

I imagine what I would do if I had all the money I could want. My mind comes up with some things like build my own house, travel the world and go sightseeing/explore nature, but it feels like I'd just be going from simple, everyday distractions to bigger, flashier distractions or "experiences". Life in general to me just feels like a struggle to keep myself from wanting to die; a matter of filling my waking hours with activities to pass the time so that I don't have to face the emptiness and hollowness until I fall asleep. Having goals is only a larger scale version of this. I've tried many hobbies, but none of them feel meaningful or give me a feeling of happiness, or if they do, I still don't want to do them 24/7, so once I'm done with that activity I literally just stare at my wall and suffer. I've heard you should sit with your pain, and I do this often but gain nothing from it. I'm losing my ability to cope with existing. Everyone else seems so happy just playing games and watching TV, but I can't stand doing those either. There is a pervasive sense that I am wasting time no matter what it is I do. Does anyone understand this feeling and how to overcome it?

Lately I've been feeling like an imposter of a human being, trying to feel and do as people do, yet I find myself unable to feel anything deeply. I figured this is because my life has become too mundane, so I decided last night I would do something stimulating and go to a rock concert. I was not excited, because I had already predicted in my head how it would be, how I would feel, what I would see, but I told myself to just do it and to be spontaneous. I don't even enjoy music particularly anymore, but I wanted to expreience the energy. I tried to go with the flow, but everything felt forced and awkward, I just felt like being still the whole time. I sat in the bleachers envying the people in the mosh pit, but knew if I were there I wouldn't be having as much fun as them. This is how my entire life feels to me, like I lack a certain inspiration from life that other people possess. Nothing feels "magical" to me. I've also made plans to travel, though now it seems it's more for the purpose of escaping my ennui because I somehow believe throwing myself into the unknown is bound to yield something novel and unexpected. Yet, life seems the same no matter where I go. The people and buildings and trees all look a little bit different, the food tastes different, but it's all pretty much the same. I'm finding that reality either disappoints me even when I have faith that it will be better than I expect, or when I don't really know what to expect, or that reality matches my expectations and it just feels too orchestrated and predictable.

When I say creative I don't necessarily mean artsy, just applying his own ideas in some way and offering something of his own. If he were to start a business for example, I don't care what kind of business it would be as long as he put his heart into the foundation. I was drawn to other parts of his nature, but over time as I changed, my perception of him did too and I began to focus on other aspects. Thanks for the book suggestion though.

@SFRL I would like us to be able to bounce off each other's ideas and have fun creating together. I feel connection over it. I would like to feel I have a companion who enriches and pushes me because then I know we are on the same page, not just someone in the background while I do things by myself. If I am alive, I want to feel alive, not complacent and passive, otherwise I think why live or have a relationship at all? What is unreasonable?

@Shadowraix What do you mean by "aligning"? Is there a way that I can help him align, his way? I have revealed all of this to my boyfriend before. He says he isn't talented creatively and does not express himself that way, except with me he likes to. To build his confidence, we got him a sketch book, tried creative writing activities together which he enjoyed, but only because we did them together (I don't like writing, though); I encouraged cooking because he likes to cook for me, all to try to find some spark in him, but he does not seem to want to improve himself at anything. He told me about wanting to be an elementary school teacher, and I tried showing him that the way you teach can be creative, but even with our son he does not show much initiative in trying new methods to teach him. I feel I have to encourage him to do anything. In regards to his interests, he simply says they are what he enjoys for entertainment even if I see them as a waste of time, but to me it seems he is just leeching off of others' creative accomplishments by consuming them while deriving no personal inspiration from them to do something himself, and that his identity is wrapped up in those things, as they come up in conversations about nearly everything. I have resistance to seeing things from his perspective because I feel it will only make me more like how he is, which would inhibit me.

Early on in my life I accepted that I would spend life by myself, out of fear of the pain relationships would put me through because of my insecurities with my appearance. In some ways, my boyfriend is the type of person I used to believe did not exist. He has made me less cynical and avoidant, though I still think he is quite rare, so I have developed an attachment to him. However, my sense of repulsion towards him is growing despite this. I feel I am only with him for my own validation and do not actually love him, but we have a son and because of this I want to learn if I can love him unconditionally. My boyfriend lives a very passive existence, he has no ambition or desire to be creative. He does not inspire me with my own creativity, he just watches Star Trek and Doctor Who and plays video games. I have major trouble accepting this and it turns me off. All of our goals are actually my goals and he is simply along for the ride, he does not want them like I do. Even with his diet, he falls back to comforts constantly, and he complains constantly about being sore. I feel hindered by him. He is a good father and is very loving towards me, but we don't have anything in common, not even our humor, and conversation never feels stimulating between us. He does not deserve my insults when I get frustrated with him, so I am wondering why I do not accept him. Is this issue really about me and he is just the trigger?

Then learn to stop valuing those same things and trying to impress women through that mechanism. How can you expect to attract any other type of person if the bait that you're offering (and just failing to supply in reality) is tailored for them, and your focus is on them? They desire those things, like culturally accepted beauty, because they're coming from a place of lack and sense of personal insignificance, so they want that external validation that they are worth something and are doing "well", not because that is what is authentically attractive to them, and whatever you think it is that you "need" from women that's bringing on this idea that you must capitulate (which is really where the resentment comes from whenever there is no nice reward to distract you) particularly to conventionally attractive women, is coming from that same place of something being unresolved with your own life.

At the time I was in a self-sabotaging state of obsession with my physical appearance. I refused to accept that there were others more attractive, yet struggled severely with jealousy and self-hatred. I was searching for any solution to get myself out of this loop, then came across Leo's video on jealousy, and ended up binge-watching many more of his videos related to the ego and emotions.

Point taken. How about on an individual level, specifically? For context, I was watching Leo's video on Stage Green, and he mentioned how if "green people" didn't properly integrate orange and move too quickly into green, they can have resistance to working a regular job and become deadbeats, for example.

At this point in my life, I can say I no longer embrace the world view of orange. I feel now just as much as I think, and my intuition has become part of my rationality rather than something that opposes it. However, though my thoughts have shifted away from orange values, I still feel some resistance to green. I still find my focus to be more individualistic rather than global, though on a smaller scale I can see signs of green. The concept of self-improvement and moving forward remains a lesson from orange that I live by, but not in a 'survival of the fittest' sense, more in the pursuit of a life that is fulfilling to me. I am concerned that I will not be able to fully integrate green if I cannot be the idealist/activist archetype. I simply do not feel things to that extreme. These are some thoughts I have about green that may be barriers: I do not appreciate green's attachment to ideology; it feels unbalanced, potentially stifling independent thought. It also seems showy, as if the concern is more to choose a side and make an enemy out of the other side, rather than to embody the cause and naturally influence by setting an example. I also feel green would impede my creativity and advancement with the focus being so much on other people, at least in the form of worldly issues. I am concerned that I've demonized this stage, but don't know how to see myself as a green person.

Interesting, I did not consider a different theme to my life other than passion. Excellence and beauty.. I like that.

I'm 25. The reason for my question is that I feel I am doomed to do work that I am not passionate about, even after I've attained a lifestyle that I am passionate about, because there is not one activity that I particularly enjoy above the rest (to the point that I could consider it my life purpose). Then I also wonder how far my motivation will take me when accumulation of money is the only thing rewarding I'm deriving from that career, even though it's what is allowing me to live the life I want.

I want a lifestyle where I can travel and take in extraordinarily beautiful sights, live in a house surrounded by nature, go to the countries I find interesting and learn their languages. I want to experience rock climbing, rafting, kayaking, horseback riding, and ballet classes (ideally to perform on stage) on a regular basis. I want to be able to make spontaneous decisions without having to worry about money. However, no one of these things is my passion. I do not want to live and breathe a single thing, but rather a variety of fun experiences. One problem is I do not know if this comes from a place of deprivation, making these thoughts a distraction, but they are the only thoughts that energize me. I do have certain talents, but when I think about turning them into a career, I feel aversion to the idea.