TheAvatarState

That's good lol

Day 3: Energy: 3 Awareness: 4 Sexual thoughts/urges: 6 Self-esteem: 3 Social confidence: 3 Oof, this day was tough. Constant sexual thoughts. I probably thought about naked women for half the day. I just have to realize that I've been way too spoiled, stuffing myself with cake, so to speak, for most of my life with no effort. The gluttony has to stop. Fuck this is hard.

It's time, boys! I'm so FUCKING SICK of being controlled by these desires, so FUCKING SICK of draining my life force, so FUCKING SICK of this addiction! I recognize that if I want to move on in my spiritual journey, this has to go. This will surely be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it's beyond time to step up to the occasion. I'm confident that by keeping this separate journal (please check out my other one where I share my thoughts and insights), it will keep me on track and hold me accountable. I'm so ready! Perhaps it's just coincidence, but today also happens to be my parent's 30th Anniversary, and they're having the time of their lives visiting New Zealand for 3 weeks! I'm really happy for them, but as I'm here in the States struggling with my own inner battles, about to pull my pants down to jerk it to some pixels on a screen depicting other people having fake, unenjoyable sex, I catch myself and stop... WHAT THE FUCK??? Here I am, trying my best to turn my life around in other areas, and I'm about to toss it all away for a few seconds of pleasure? Wake the fuck up, Kid!!! Now if I'm being honest with myself, I don't actually enjoy this habit anymore. I've experienced all there is to experience. I've spent thousands of hours searching for all kinds of porn, I've experimented with dozens of techniques and tricks, I've basically done it all (that I find attractive, that is). Like, there's literally nothing more to search for, nothing more to experience in this field. I've seen the best of the best. I'm a fucking connoisseur of this shit. And did it bring me any fulfillment, any happiness, any deep satisfaction? Of course, the answer is no. It was all an illusion. What I've been longing for, honestly, is an excuse or a reason or something external to make me quit. I get that that's not the right approach, but that has nevertheless been my state of mind. And that's where a lot of people are at, that's fundamentally what a neurosis is. If you're in that boat, I completely understand. It's terrible. I have had dozens of false starts at no fap over the years, but I have never had a streak longer than 2 weeks. Just think about that. I haven't gone longer than 2 weeks without fapping since I started fapping at age 12, over 10 years ago! And a good chunk of that, probably 4-5 years, it was a daily or twice daily habit... It's simply fucked up. It's really daunting to face that. I hope you can understand how difficult of a task it will be to stop. It doesn't matter what it is, if you do something for 10 years straight, it becomes part of you. This sickening mentality, awkwardness around girls, uneasiness in social situations, low self esteem-- it's practically baked into my DNA. But I'm going to do something amazing here. It's the most counter-intuitive move ever; it's the thing my ego never saw coming. I LOVE myself and my current situation. In fact, it's perfect. I NEEDED to go through all that to reach the lowest low, I NEEDED to experience what this was like! I can actually see that period of my life becoming extremely valuable in the future. Of course I don't recommend that you go out of your way to descend into Hell, but through that came this: a deep, fundamental understanding of the neuroses of addiction, pain, social awkwardness, loneliness, and mental suffering. I haven't suffered much physically (in fact my life has been quite cushy), but I can confidently say that I've suffered some of the darkest and most excruciating mental states one can get to. That isn't something you can read in a book. That's power. That's me taking full responsibility and flipping "woe is me" on its head. As the late and great Avatar Aang once said, "When you reach your lowest point, you are open to the greatest change." So what makes this attempt different? Well, for starters, this isn't an attempt. I can't explain it, but I know in my core that this is it. I would rather die than write a post like this and then not follow through. It's as simple as that. It's this deep knowing that this is the time. I'm smiling right now because it is beautiful... There is a calling here that's greater than myself. I don't really know what "flipped," perhaps it was reading other fine people's NoFap journals on here, maybe it was... I really don't know. But I want you to understand that this isn't some egoic reaction or split decision. I've been thinking about doing this for a long time. I've recognized this need to reboot my sexual energy. The time is now, and this was exactly how it was meant to be. I'm counting today as day 1. Actually, I haven't fapped in 3 days, but it would be cheating to count those... I'm leaning against using a 1-10 rating system of the days' difficulty, because it's a bad habit I used to rate a woman's attractiveness. Fuck that. I need to get away from that materialistic paradigm. Being a Yellow thinker, I'm sure I'll come up with a model I like eventually. For now, I'll say today was easy. Almost no sexual thoughts, and if there were, they were fleeting. I did not indulge in any fantasies. If you read all of that, then I'm deeply thankful because your thoughts and feelings have an affect in my journey. We are all connected, limited not by time nor space. Please send some good vibes! Wishing me luck is absolutely pointless.

I know you guys are always hungry for consciousness-raising content. I know I am! I recently discovered gaia.com, and it has some really great exclusive content! Last year I read a book called The Divine Matrix by Gregg Braden, and it was amazing and eye opening. Well, I just found out that he has his own video mini-series on Gaia called "Missing Links." I'm really enjoying it so far. Quickly browsing the rest of their content, it looks like there's a ton of great documentaries... so instead of watching that next Netflix series, give Gaia a try. Seems like a great community! It is a paid subscription, however, you can get the first two weeks for only $1 to see if you like it.

@Leo Gura Not true. MDMA is huge in the UK, and many many people have taken thousands of pills and continue to take them.

Evidence for this? Ravers would say otherwise. Of course it can damage your brain with too much prolonged use, but if you are responsible and space out your trips, I haven't heard of a decrease in quality.

I've listened to A LOT of Alan Watts talks on YouTube, but this one I discovered recently might be my favorite. It is absolute gold through and through, and I highly recommend a listen. Chattering finch and water-fly Are not merrier than I; Here among the flowers I lie Laughing everlastingly. No: I may not tell the best; Surely, friends, I might have guessed Death was but the good King's jest, It was hid so carefully. (The Skeleton by G.K. Chesterton)

@Shadowraix Of course, as with any teaching. Although, there's also a lot of real documentaries based on scientific evidence and archeology which are very educational. Perhaps be wary of the conclusions or possible hidden agendas and metaphysics, but there is much to learn from the content.

@Wisebaxter thank YOU for starting such a wonderful discussion! It was so funny to me that I was about to start a similar post that same night until I saw yours. This issue sits at the very core of our being, and therefore it's extremely worthwhile to explore. And while a strong theoretical foundation is important, it can only get you so far. I think you know exactly what I mean, because I've been there too. Too many ideas cause conflicting information and confusion, your head starts hurting, and you get this intuitive sense (from your anxiety) that you may never reach a conclusion by more thinking. This all makes perfect sense when you zoom out, take a step back... What are we really doing here? What is the nature of this question? Well, you are using the mind to question if you have free will to question anything at all. And when the evidence (your direct experience) starts pointing to the possibility of you not being in control of the questioning (there is no questioner), you get stuck in a strange loop of thought. Really try to visualize this, it's fascinating! This questioning through the mind points out that there is no mind, and yet you have to make sense of THAT realization so you keep going around in circles. It is the very question that defeats you, goes right to the core. Your head starts hurting. It is at this very moment that you can no longer make any more progress through the mind; your theoretical foundation stops serving you. The answers you are looking for cannot really be put into words beyond this point. Maybe I'll be able to relate more insights to language as I progress, but right now it fails me. Another point, staying stuck in the strange loop can be depressing and self-defeating. You are only able to actualize and see the beauty in these realizations through trans-rational states of consciousness. Move into being. Godspeed.

@Shakazulu word. Amazing show!

Why does this have to be about me? Lol. I was just trying to help you get clarity on the matter, but it sounds like we're on different frequencies.

@Shakazulu I see you deleted that part of your post, but my point, and your realization, still stands. The only reason you think there's something to "win" in life is because you want power, meaning, and prestige. It's all linked. You couldn't ask that question if you were at peace.

@Eric Tarpall outside is not a controlled environment. In the shadows, you can be in an air pocket and sheltered from cold wind, making it feel warmer. There's a lot of factors you haven't considered, not even considering the elephant in the room, which is that there's no such thing as a cold light. All light is energy. And the moonlight is actually sunlight just reflected off the moon's surface. I literally don't know if you're trolling me or not, but I'm assuming you're serious and that you're just not thinking things through. Your argument of not trusting thermometers because you didn't make them is hilarious. You're trusting your computer or phone right now to send me the correct message! You trust your car with your life every time you get behind the wheel. You trust GPS to get you where you want to go. Come.on now... If you're skeptical about your specific thermometer, then you can actually test it in controlled conditions to make sure it responds correctly. This isn't rocket science.

Why don't you go take a look?

@Bojan I am learning, and I know enough to know that society doesn't have a clue.

That's something you must deconstruct and overcome if you want this path.

@Miavono reading someone else's trap and thinking you've got it. That you're somehow immune. I can't think of a single trap I truly learned and understood without at least deep contemplation, Journaling, and direct experience. Not saying that a thread like this is pointless, just saying not to take any of this lightly. Your mind is very tricky!

@Widdle Puppy I feel you. It can be really hard, that is, feeling dragged down by society and your peers. At some point you have to face that this path will bring about a lot of loneliness. It's par for the course... You're trying to grow to become your greatest version, and no one else really cares. You have vision, they don't. Think of yourself at the forefront, and that's really rare. Having a vision will not make you immune to being alone and depressed, so be careful not to lean on that. Ultimately, you have to create that light within, and a lot of times you have to go through loneliness and depression and come out the other side... I really wish I had great news, or some simple trick to overcome all this. But if it were that easy, then everyone around you would be doing it to! Living alone has its own set of challenges, so I don't necessarily recommend that. I think you need that social interaction more than you realize, regardless of how "low-consciousness" you perceive it to be. Honestly it's how you make it, all relationships are a reflection of yourself.

@Emonkey004 as long as you feel. There's no need to rush! That would be the biggest mistake in self-development.

Just step back and observe! It's so apparent. The easiest examples to see are politics, organized religion, news networks, marketing, and probably your dad's fishing stories. Do you see that these sectors are nothing but bullshitting machines to control and delude the masses?

You're right, I see that all the time! I don't know if this was ever a thing in previous generations, but my guess would be at least not to this extent. Technology has a lot to do with it. I think we're starting to appreciate how connected we are as a globe. Not just physically (planes, high speed trains, and other fast travel) but instant communication through phones. All readily available to most people. Go back 100 years (that's it!) and if you wanted to travel to China, you'd have to go by boat for weeks. Just think how radically different the world was a century ago, it's almost unfathomable. That being said, however, our mental and physical ailments have gotten worse. Depression and suicide are at an all time high, and show no signs of slowing down. As a species, we are as confused as ever on how to live life and what's important. We are as confused as ever on how to love. So this air of "best time ever!" is certainly not based on a feeling of wellbeing. I think it has almost everything to do with convenience from technological advancement. And this can be a really scary thing, because it could be accelerating our own demise. It turns a blind eye to what we should be fixing. However, this attitude is positive, so I can't say it's overall a bad thing. I do see dangers in a public adoption of this attitude though.

@Guided so in your opinion, the only way to actually die (not be reincarnated) is to get rid of your cravings? You see your entire life as a struggle against craving, and if you finally win the battle, your reward is to die and never come back? Sounds like you're in Hell! Let me ask you, where do you go after you are liberated? Do you really believe you cease to be? Where else is there to go?

Day 2: Energy: 3 Awareness: 4 Sexual thoughts/urges: 3 Self-esteem: 3 Social confidence: 3 Went on a hike for the first time in months... Absolutely beautiful day! My goal is to get outside with intent every day and hike at least 3 times a week. I gain energy and life-essence from nature. I'm deeply connected with it, and I see this as a positive force in overcoming my ailments.

@Serotoninluv Sacrifice, n. An act of slaughtering an animal or person or surrendering a possession as an offering to God or to a divine or supernatural figure. At a really high level, perhaps this is the best word to describe it! I see it now, but I'm not sure if CreamCat meant it in that way. To change, part of you needs to die. The idea of you, your ego. And with true spiritual development, you let the old you die in order to get closer to your true nature, God.