TheAvatarState

@Ineedanswers if you judgments of pedophilia cease, then the answer becomes obvious

Overwhelmingly so

Holy fuck. I didn't just see it, I felt it. For a split second. For the first time in my life. I saw right through my disguise and into what I truly am. I'm excited and scared because I want to feel that way all the time but this disguise has so much resistance, and it's both pathetic and awe inspiring. There is SO MUCH energy, exuberance, beauty, and love when connecting with God as God, it's just... I'm at work so I'm thankful it was a split second, if it was a full blown Awakening I would have been incapacitated. Holy fuck.

This. This right here. Is a note you are writing to yourself, in real-time, to remind yourself of something. These words cannot Awaken you to new knowledge or discoveries, because they are coming from you and your body of experience. They are only words which are completely relative and subjective to you. It is the perfect time to receive these words, for they are not being received--they are being given. You're imagining a different writing style from yours in order to maintain the illusion of an other-self writing these words to you. This illusion makes you feel cozy, so you want to continue the game. Why would you stop? Why would you possibly want to keep writing THIS nonsense? Why are you so eager to escape that you talk to yourself in 3rd person? Stop doing that! You continue because you are looking for something. You always do. You are obsessed with condensing the purest of knowledge and wisdom into the smallest yet deepest bite-size chunks of symbols. You've imagined that as mankind's chief aim, ever-elusive. There must be a better way to share this knowledge with others! And what do I share? You've found it all but you keep searching. You can answer every question from within but you keep asking. You're sitting on a giant pile of gold and jewels, like the great dragon Smaug atop his hoard, but you realize that getting lost in its beauty is empty and meaningless. The little voice in your head that's proofreading and asking if this journal session is worthwhile or even stupid... I hear that voice too. It stops you from writing more on that tangent. What is Awakening? That's the question that brought you here. You're convinced you know, but you keep asking, don't you? There's always a seed of doubt that's rooted in duality and ego and mind, or something like that. You imagine others saying they 100% know and have stopped asking, because that's what you think you want, and it gives you something to hope for, doesn't it? But not. You. You have doubts and fears about many things, but especially about Awakening. You are awake enough to intuit that there's no one else to ask or trust. And logically, that should solve the riddle entirely. Yet you keep searching... You keep folding in on yourself, over and over, like an infinite sheet of paper. You think you're getting deeper but in reality you're going nowhere. You're like a toddler playing peekaboo in the mirror. Hoping to see someone different, you play this game for what feels like years. It's not only silly, it's completely psychotic. You try to observe this behavior from the outside, and see a neurotic, drug-addicted ape who loves yelling "HE HE HE HOO HOO," to himself in 3rd person (yes, monkey language has 3rd person). Atop your hoard, you start to feel hungry and sad and lonely and longing. This bounty was only worth something in your village, you think to yourself. Up here in the stronghold inside the mountain, it might as well be guano. What did you forget? What metaphor can you use to describe it? It's like this, it's like that, but no, WHAT IS IT? GET TO THE ROOT, you say. OH MY GOD THAT'S A METAPHOR TOO, you write. Fold. Fold. Fold... A cute, polkadot origami sculpture of Purrsian cat sits before you. It reminds you of your childhood. You smile. Back then it was simple, sweet. Right now it's convoluted, haunting. What is Awakening? Let me tell you what I think it is. Awakening is working a retail job you hate for 8 years, suffering from mental illness, and hardly experiencing any joy or love for your entire adult life. It's wrestling with the idea that you ultimately put yourself here to experience this particular life, despite saying you'd never wish some of your experiences on your worst enemy. Awakening is punching out the clock, going home and reliving a slightly different version of the same day you've had for several years. Awakening is accepting that this is the movie you wanted to see. Are there worse movies out there? Having awakened, You laugh at such an untenable concept. You laugh at the image of the ape. Then feel empty again. Submit topic.

I just have one question: where is my booby prize??

I've been in and out deep despair and extremely negative nihilism for about 4ish years, ever since several awakenings I had on psychedelics. Sometimes I feel as a disembodied spirit just watching my ego/body do the same shit day in and day out. I've made some progress lately on practical mundane self-care (I was neglecting a lot of things), and even though I have the knowledge that reality is perfect, it very rarely feels that way. Sometimes I experience absolutely no hope, and can't think more than a day in the future. Of my own doing, I realize, I've been going through Hell on earth, and I've had immense suffering and loneliness. Thank you so much for the reminders, and I can definitely tell you "got it." I'm hoping you have some advice or pointers for me, I'm definitely at a point where I'm done with this shit and I have the burning desire to get to the greener side of this infinite pasture. Much Love ❤️

I had the audacity, the wit, to face the camera and say that no one watching is awake. I am. I don't think many others are, nor do I have a desire for anyone else to be. Peeking behind the curtain really ruins the show, from a certain sense. Beware that continually adopting a meta-perspective or absolute perspective will make it nigh impossible to relate to anyone else. Once you get here you'll want to "unlearn," but that's just your ego having rose tinted glasses. The ego has a very hard time appreciating what IS, and wants something else, does it really care what it is, no it just craves something else. What's here can never be good enough to you, and when you clearly see there's nothing but you, you can experience an ego backlash against yourself. This can get extremely dark and twisted if not dealt with. This is yet another layer of illusion you have to pierce through. There's only one thing to forgive: yourself. There's nothing else to believe in, no aim, and no one to decide on an aim. There is no one to turn to for advice, when you are deeply conscious of how you're putting the words in everyone's mouths. When you become truly awake, you will see physical manifestations of absolutely unbelievable and potentially scary things. Synchronicities happen to me so often that they're no longer special, it's just a feature of reality I'm aware of. By any stretch of the imagination, I inhabit a completely different reality than the one I was in a few years ago. Stop being in your head so much. While you are the spiderman meme, you have the power to not act like it. Edit: Leo, if you want a good video topic, release one on exercises to get out of one's head and into experience/feeling/emotion. A lot of people, myself included, could use it

Yes. No, I actually think this whole thing is genuinely hilarious.

@Leilani I feel you, it absolutely seems that way. I've struggled for years because I didn't properly integrate this stuff, and it was way too much all at once. Be careful what you wish for. Be very wary that this thing you've potentially stumbled on could actually ruin your life. If that's not a risk you wanna take, you may be able to forget it and turn around. Idk where you are. If this is only a belief or intellectual exercise for you, you're probably in the clear. Don't let anyone tell you what to believe. All that said, if this is just purely intellectual for you, why is it so horrible? Really explore that. What is lost if this were true? Is it possible this reaction you're having is purely based on emotion, lack, and selfishness?

There's some truth to that statement. English please. It would be nice to genuinely ask someone else for advice without also seeing the unreality and "fake-show" ness of it. The only thing I end up getting out of it is a laugh

(Please forgive my ramblings lol) I vaguely remember a time I was engaged with life. Like, really IN IT. After awakening, it doesn't feel special anymore. Existence has a weight to it. It feels like a chore. I know I've lived infinite lifetimes and will continue to in this timeless void. I'm aware how I'm creating all of reality, and like peeking behind the curtain of the magic trick, it took all the wonder out of it. What I am is infinitely mysterious, and yet it feels like there's no mystery left. I feel disillusioned to it all, essentially fed up with myself. Everything is a strange loop that points back in on itself, and I don't really care for the company. How is this even possible? It's such an insane notion! Why would God be bored of his own creation? I feel so lame. But it's like if everything is "divine" and "special"... Doesn't that mean nothing is? Isn't this the only way reality can be? From a certain angle, aren't I completely alone just masturbating myself for eternity? Isn't that extremely sad? So here's the thing. Every viewpoint of infinitely many is partial and valid. Reality is completely relative, mind-meltingly so. There's a beautiful, life affirming way to spin reality so I wake up ready to "go get it.' to love and honor life. That life exists, and it wouldn't be a lie. What I don't understand is how to change my limited human perspective to see reality in a way that's beneficial. But even this objective melts away... What is beneficial and what is not? As an infinite being, I'm drawn to chaos as much as order and goodness. It doesn't feel like it's "my choice" because there is no "I" to make a choice. I've come full circle, God's will is working through me, of which I am not aware, and this supposedly beautiful and incredible God amusement park ride feels like a painfully slow ferris wheel when I want to be on a thrilling rollercoaster. I believe what I'm here to learn is patience and surrendering to whatever is. My ego mind has very addictive, impatient, and self-serving tendencies. But the process feels so slow, and it feels like (rightly) I have no say over when and how these things get ironed out. Another thing I'm here to learn is trust. Trust of myself = trust in others = trust in the universe. My whole life I was raised to be separate and to not trust others. That's a pattern I continue to this day. It's insanely hard to ask for help or to reach out. Ive been self-sufficient and a loner my whole life, even before I realized I am all there is. I feel I've never truly loved anyone. I have grown A LOT lately, yet it feels like I haven't. There's this constant anxiety that I'm missing something, that life is passing me by, despite my knowing of my true Being. There is nothing to do and no one to be. Conceptually this should be Nirvana, Liberation, but my life FEELS confusing, circular, and just plain wrong. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone else, even an enemy if it were possible for me to have one or conceptualize one. I have nothing to ground myself in, and I have to admit I'm terrified of what I am and what this means moving forward. But it's strange because I KNOW there's nothing to be afraid of. I know, Conceptually, how reality works, and I know everything will work out if I just take the step. But I'm frozen. It's not even my step to take. I have so many attachments I feel I have no control over. This isn't something I can forget about. I am unable to live a "normal" life. There is no going back. It all adds to this feeling of being trapped, which I don't understand either. There is nothing to trap me but myself? Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to have that experience? It's sadistically funny from a certain angle, although I suppose everything is if you expand your mind enough. Is reality a cruel joke or perfect goodness? Both, but it only feels like a sick prank at the moment. The greatest joke of all is that I know without a shadow of a doubt I placed myself here to have this experience because I wanted it and it's ultimately for my greater Good. How can my limited human ego come to terms with that? How does anyone do it? This whole post I felt compelled to write, I find endlessly hilarious btw. It's like chef's kiss, icing on the cake kinda thing to me.

@Zedman God does not watch late night re-runs. Every moment is perfectly unique, yet is never "lost"

you had me there

@Preety_India how would you categorically classify infinity? What different forms of infinity exist?

Oh really? I thought it was to bullshit and to pretend to "be on the path."

Incredibly insightful, God bless ?

Yes I understand why that's important now, but not everyone plans their spiritual journey. I definitely fell into it, and way over my head. I'm very ABLE to appreciate the beauty of this reality, but I often forget about it or intentionally veil it from myself. I'm starting to notice that I label my experience as "not special" and "completely meaningless" because of the concepts of infinity and total relativity. I've come to the conclusion logically that this isn't special, and I project that onto reality. It's weird. I also adopted the belief that I've physically died several times on trips. So I feel like a walking dead man subconsciously. Take all this with a grain of salt, I'm just trying to explore and make sense of my mental state for the first time in a while.

A few seconds before I opened my phone to read your comment, I was on the toilet staring at my hand, keeping focus on attention and perception, and not the concept of my hand. Of course

@Breakingthewall thank you, I finally feel like someone else at least Conceptually understands what I've been going through! So what's holding me back is my program of labeling and analyzing reality? The issue is, opening up to the present feels like an analytical exercise to me. I would describe it like Alan Watts described it: the receiver held up to the microphone, creating feedback noise. My mind is very "loopy." I can't seem to stop "thinking about the next thought that didn't do it and doesn't exist." It's almost an enigma even to myself. Often I'm like "dude, what are you even thinking about? Get out of your head, silly."

Yes it does. Although I think about it and it's implications often, it's not merely a mental exercise. My entire consciousness is shifted from what it used to be. What is, simply is. I no longer look to others for answers. There is "no one" doing it, it's just consciousness knowing itself to be infinite and eternal and untouchable. I experienced being infinite and eternal on many trips, impossible to explain, and now it's just permeated into my everyday consciousness. What is the boundary? Not sure what you mean. Could you please elaborate on what you mean? What that physically and experientially is like? Thanks!

I abused psychs for a period of 3 years, and haven't touched them for at least 2 years. I have almost no desire to try them anytime soon, because I feel I haven't integrated the experiences, and many of them were super traumatic (because I was hot-headed and abused them). I have not experienced the Love "facet" of awakening, but most of the others, which I suspect is partly why I feel a twisted view of the truth. I'm doing much better now mentally, but mostly just naturally because of time passed. I still feel in limbo, sometimes reeling, from the insane trips I had. All that said, I have no suicidal thoughts anymore, I've kept a steady job and am stable. It's just that life feels... hollow, like I'm not IN IT, I'm passively watching someone else's life. Edit: an infinite being made of Love, having the experience of awakening devoid of Love, would definitely be an "interesting" experience for God to have.

@ChrisZoZo thanks for all the feedback. That's a lot to take in, and I will try walking every day. "Stop labeling" really got me...

@PurpleTree what we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men, you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets! *what's so civil about war anyway*

Allow yourself to be a failure. Allow yourself to do something you consider a complete "waste of time," and not judge it. Allow yourself to NOT listen to random strangers on the internet. Allow yourself to not give a fuck. And yet, Demand consciousness and non-judgment. Above all, allow yourself to guide yourself. You are the Source, after all. In this very moment, you are wiser, more resourceful, and more beautiful than you could ever dare give yourself credit for. Don't mistake timidness or self-doubt for humility or virtue. It's the obstacle.

@Thought Art I resolve issues behind the service desk of a grocery store.