Rahter than concept, think of things as being imaginary. The past is imaginary. There never was a Newton so to speak unless you imagine him right now.
So what Newton is, is what you think he is right now.

Modafinil and concentration practice.
Neurofeedback can be done at a local profressional center.

Canada's one of the best places right now for research chemicals.
Costa rica is also an interesting option. They do a lot of ayahuasca and ibogaine down there. They probably allow toads too (not sure).
Spain and Portugal have decriminalized all drugs. Which doesn't mean you can just buy them at the local store. But still far better than most countries.

If you awaken you'll realize you already are living forever. No fancy scientific gadgets required.
Because you ARE the Truth.
Society is designed to maximize your survival. Which is the opposite of Truth. Without society you couldn't be here contemplating Truth. So literally your Truth seeking is resting on a necessary foundation of social devilry.
The only one who can awaken is a devil. If you didn't start out as a devil there'd be nothing to do.
If everyone was fully awake the game of life would be over. And then who would there be to admire the majesty of God? So it's a catch-22.
It's like this: cops can only exist if criminals exist. If the cops ever succeed in eliminating all the criminals, the cops will starve to death and nothing will be left. This is the case with all dualities. One requires the other otherwise you got nothing.

Hehehe, of course a girl will never text you first. Why would she?
Your problem here is that you fundamentally misunderstand how girls works and how texting works.
You as the guy are supposed to proactively pursue her until you win her over. She will resist until you win her over.
P.S. You cannot build attraction via text. If you fail to attract her face-to-face, the texts will go nowhere.
Flake rate for phone numbers is about 90%+. If you're getting phone numbers you need to have REALLY solid face-to-face game AND you need lots of numbers. Hundreds of them. A number means very little. Girls give out their number too easily, even if they have zero intention of dating you.
Your volume is too low and the quality of your face-to-face interactions is too low, failing to be memorable or spark attraction.
Try harder. Make yourself memorable when you approach girls. You need to reach a hook point after opening. The hook point is when you can see she's interested in you. It's a very clear shift in the interaction. Hook point usually takes 3 to 10 minutes to hit. You won't hit it with every girl simply because the chemistry isn't meant to be there with every girl.

Vote for Bernie-fuckin-socialist-Sanders.

That's the voice of God speaking to you, but you're refusing the call.
You're acting too small. You need a much bigger vision. You need a big life purpose, not this wallowing is personal problems bullshit.
God is telling you to make your life about something much bigger than you. But you're too scared so you just wallow around in your own smallness. You should be doing big things with your life. Why aren't you doing them? You could transform the whole world and yet you're just pissing your life away instead.
See my videos:
The Highest Hero's Journey How To Unleash Your Ambition And do my LP Course. It's all about this.
Of course you're depressed because you're not actualizing your full greatness. You could be a Christ or a Buddha. What are you waiting for??? Your spirituality is far too timid. Be more bold! Dare to touch people's hearts with your love.
The people around you are sheep. Don't look to sheep for inspiration. Look to lions. Become a lion.

That's right, ego is superior at illusion, lying, and devilry. Which is precisely its function.
You merge the two like so:
There cannot be awakening without survival. So any rejection of survival is ultimately a rejection of God. So by rejecting the devil you reject God. Because the devil is God.
Ego = God
The circle is complete.

All relationships end. Most a lot sooner than you imagine.
The reason you relate with people is mostly out of selfishness and to fulfill your survival needs. You ain't doing anything intelligent or sophisticated with your relationships. It's very basic survival stuff. The equivalent of pumping gas in your car.

What you're missing is that there is God has no mechanism. It's totally direct.
What you see IS the mechanism!
Nothing is hidden.
Imagination is instantaneous.

Self-transcendence is just the final step in Maslow's pyramid. One step above self-actualization.
Don't make self-actualization and self-transcendence at odds with one another. They work together.
In the end, to fully actualize yourself you must fully transcend yourself.
The first half of this journey you spend actualizing your human self.
The second half of this journey you spend actualizing your God Self.
#1 leads to #2. And then #2 undoes #1. It's hard to undo #1 until you do #1. Most people need a lot more work doing #1 before they can even entertain #2.

You are getting in your own way. Your own ideals of being a good learner is precisely the thing which is tripping you up here. You are not allowing yourself to fully immerse in the flow of learning because you're too busy trying to live up to the image in your mind of being a good learner. This imagine creates all sorts of artificial requirements like memorization and other formalities which you then resist.
Try learning in a less structured or rigid way. If you really enjoy learning, just do it. Learn in a joyful way without worrying about how that has to look. Perhaps memorization is not necessary at all. Perhaps finishing every book from cover to cover is not necessary either. Perhaps there are totally new ways to learn which you are not even allowing yourself to explore because you've got some rigid image in your mind of what learning has to look like. For example, maybe real learning might look like taking a vacation to another country and going to a bar for drinks with some new people you met, rather than sitting at home memorizing a book. Perhaps real learning is taking psychedelics in the middle of the jungle.
As you go deeper into self-actualization work you have to find ways of doing it which feel organic and natural to you. It can't be like following some check list of mechanical rules.
Telling yourself that "I must watch more self-help videos" will create resistance since its such a forced way of doing things.
You must learn to listen more to your feelings rather than to your shoulds & rules. Your feeling tell you what you need to do when. But this requires getting attuned to hearing their subtle cues. For example in your case now your feelings are telling you that your method of learn is too artificial and forced, which is why you're frustrated.
Imagine if I forced you to have sex every day and if you didn't have sex at the times I wanted you to, in the exact ways I wanted you to, I would give you a strong electric shock. This would quickly take all the joy out of sex. After a few months of this you'd start to hate the idea of sex.

This is an account of a retreat I did this past weekend, where I took Ayahuasca for two consecutive nights and 5meo-dmt in between. It was my first experience with either of these substances. The experience did not last two nights, it lasted life-times. I will never be able to express how profound it was, but I will nevertheless try my best to share pieces of it. If I can express a small portion of what it was like, it will be enough.
The house where the retreat was held was lovely, with a large backyard, weather conditions were perfect. The house itself was large, rustic and heavily decorated with Christian paraphernalia, including a big statue of Jesus that the organizers said they wanted to clear away from the room but was too heavy. The idea was to not have a religious vibe that could affect people’s experiences, but in the end it made no difference to anybody. It sure looked heavy J
The connection that the six participants ended up creating was very deep. People from all walks of life, with different life stories and perspectives and levels of consciousness, but all were pretty much transformed by the end of the retreat.
One of them was a pretty girl who I found to be my mirror. How much we have in common is frightening. I didn’t know I could have deep talks with someone I’m attracted to, but yes it is possible. I was actually talking to someone who Knows. It was both exciting and comforting.
 
First round of Ayahuasca: being born again
There were mattresses on the floor and a few candles lit. Buckets for purging are handed out in the beginning. They recommend closing your eyes after taking it. It tasted weird and was very thick, they had to add water to the glasses after taking the shot, cause you couldn’t drink it all as a result of the thickness. After about one hour they ask you if you want a second dose. Everybody went for the second dose.
I have little memory of that first night. I know that I was really enjoying the fractals and the visuals as I heard the first few people puking. I remember thinking “why are they puking? This is so good and funny”. Not long after that, I felt a revolt in my stomach that was prompted by the choice of song. I hadn’t realized that the music was helping create the entire experience. I’ve always taken psychedelics in silence, but these guys use music and it can be spectacular. The trip was getting deeper. I went for the bucket and took a long time before I could purge. The purge was a birth. As the puke finally left the body I was infinity and not a person. That’s what you’re purging, you’re letting go of what you are not.
Then it’s clear to me that none of this is a coincidence, I was summoned here and so were all the others. I see it clearly, we are supposed to be here, these exact people were supposed to meet inside of the dream.
 
5meo-dmt aka Bufo Alvarius: not yet, sir
In the afternoon of the following day, two of us sign up for 5meo-dmt. We’re going to smoke it, and I’m extremely nervous. The other guy does it first, and as soon as he smokes and they gently throw him to the ground I see that he’s gone. I get even more nervous, shit. My breathing is all over the place, I start asking questions. They say “just trust us”. But when it’s my turn to smoke I’m too nervous to do it properly. I keep swallowing the smoke, and I forget to keep it in for longer. It’s a dud.
When I see that nothing is happening I feel so frustrated. The ego is all over the place, angry: “I fucking came here to meet God!”, and I look like a kid whose toy has been stolen. After about an hour of this, I let go. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Trust it, if it wasn’t meant to be it wasn’t meant to be… and I come back to the present moment and enjoy my time with the others. I have another great chat with the girl, by the time the chat is over I’ve developed a crush.
 
Second round of Ayahuasca: God is Infinite Love
I take the first dose of Ayahuasca and within 15 minutes I know something big is going to happen. It hits me like a truck, the come up is so fast that I immediately know that I won’t be able to take the second dose within the hour. I feel the urge to pee, but I’ve been told to shut my eyes and stay there. It’s coming too fast, I can go pee and it will be ok. I’m finding excuses to run away from it. I go to the bathroom and I take my time, I wash my hands, I go back, I want to keep my eyes open, I’m afraid to close them. The visuals start with my eyes open, I realize that I’m terrified and I’m trying to wait it out. The come up continues, there is nowhere to run to. I go back to the room and the fear rises. I tell the facilitator, “I don’t feel good”, he comes with me to the bathroom. I’m scared shitless now, and I tell him “I’m so afraid!”, he tries to calm me down but he’s really not convincing, I sit inside the bathroom by myself and hope for the best. I realize there’s nothing I can do, I’m going to die today. It’s a deep knowing that doesn’t materialize into an actual thought. I go back into the room and tell myself that I just have to take it. I try telling myself that I’m safe, and it works for some time, but then the awareness of being in a retreat and having facilitators and other people around vanishes. There is only death, and it’s overwhelmingly frightening. It’s also a slow death, because I’m disappearing and fighting it all the way through. It’s suffering of the worst kind, it’s the process of dying and not surrendering to it. “I’m not ready! Please make this go away, I’m really not ready! Please God, another day, not this moment, not now!” I want to puke and make it go away, but nothing comes, only burping. My head is inside the bucket and I cling to anything I can. First, the sounds of the room. “It’s going to be ok”, but it’s not. Everything disappears, my body disappears. The last thing I cling to is her face. Her face appears in the midst of all those fractals and all of those visuals. Her face gives me solace. But even this must go, and it does. There’s one last moment of surrender, I accept death as there is no choice.
Infinity. And then there is a never-ending play where God unveils himself, that is, I unveil myself to myself. It has always been You. There was never anything else, only You. I Am Everything and Nothing. I am all things, and yet there are no things. I laugh and cry, as I am finally shown Who and What I Am. And when there is a moment of awareness of the room again, I see my head come out of the bucket and hear myself say “You got punked by God”. That’s what it feels like, it’s a joke. All of it is a joke, pretending to be human (and successfully too). And in that moment you laugh at your own gullibility and you laugh at the marvelous divine absurdity of it all.
But God is not done with me. Next, it feels like my heart is being pried open with a crow bar. And waves of Love hit me. And I know that God is Love. And I cry from all the beauty, and I know that Love is all there is. Manifestation is Love. This is not seen or understood, it is FELT and seen and understood all at once. My heart opens like it never has in this lifetime. It has always been Love. It’s endless. And when you think that it’s not possible that there is more, more waves of Love hit you, and more, and more. It’s too much to handle, it’s just too much, it’s exhausting. I pray for mercy “please, no more”, and every time I pray for mercy I feel more Love. It’s TOTAL. It’s ABSOLUTE. It’s INFINITE. Every time I say I’ve had enough, it gives me more until ALL is LOVE.
Whenever a strong emotion hits me now, I hear her crying harder. We are connected. My soul and hers are connected, I don’t know how to explain it, it is felt. My love for her is temporarily separated from all the Love for everything. It feels like falling into it, oh shit. My love for her is so big now that it hurts. I feel that even though she’s crying, these are beautiful loving tears. It's so profound and beautiful.
But it’s not over. Besides Infinite Love, the Godhead is also Infinite Intelligence. I start to receive insight after insight at a supersonic speed. I understand so much, things I never thought were possible to ever comprehend. There are so many insights at once that there’s no way I’ll be able to remember them when I go back. But that’s ok. That’s the final insight, and this one actually stays with me. I am CONSCIOUSLY choosing to forget. That’s it, it’s a conscious CHOICE. I chose to forget that I’m God, I chose to have this experience, suffering is an illusion, everything is perfect just as it is. When I think I’m suffering I’m deluded and it doesn’t matter, it’s still Love. There is only Love. When I am in doubt, I am deluded and that’s ok too. It adds to the experience, it adds to the fun.
My heart is now open, and full, time to go back to the dream. As I become more aware of the room, there is an image of my mother. She’s ill and may not have that much time left. I wish I could share this with her, I wish she could know that she doesn’t have to be afraid, there is nothing to fear. And then I’m somehow put in her shoes. I see from her eyes, I literally feel her love for me, her son. And it hurts so much that I never gave her enough affection, there is so much shame and pain, it’s so much that I can’t stop crying, I’m so sorry. Her love for me is so immense, so unconditional. Her heart is so big and beautiful, I’m overwhelmed with emotion. The pain is unbearable, but there is release and then forgiveness. I did what I knew how. I didn’t know any better, I didn’t understand. My heart was closed, there’s nothing to regret.
When the process is over, I’m exhausted. What an amazing thing this is, the last sense is of so much gratitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The days that follow the retreat are a surge of emotion, sometimes I think back to the experience and I burst out in tears. There is no ground to stand on, infinity has no ground. There is yet much to learn as an ego. And yet there is this profound knowing, in the heart, that everything is already fine.

How do you know? What if it is?
What if your body is imaginary? How would you tell the difference if all you've ever experienced your whole life has been imagination?
What if the very thing you think is real has always just been something you've been imagining to be real?
If you imagine a thing to be real, does that mean it is real? Or is it still imaginary?
How would you distinguish between you imagining something to be real vs it actually being real?

You're highly unlikely to start a million dollar startup if it's not something you love. You will quit long before reaching your first million.

Dude, don't be so hard on yourself.
If you feel lonely there's nothing wrong with finding some people to socialize with. In a sense that lonely feeling is telling you: "Hey dummy! You should socialize more!"
What's inauthentic is desiring to socialize with someone but then not doing it out of fear that they will reject you. The authentic thing would be to walk over and say, "Hey, I was looking for a new friend and I saw you. So here I am. Please don't reject me or I will have to hang myself in my mother's basement with her vacuum cleaner cord."
BE MORE VULNERABLE WITH STRANGERS!

Maybe
Nonduality also includes ego, anger, and suffering.
You can be enlightened and still be angry, or act egotistically, or suffer. What changes is your awareness of these things.
Suffering ends when you are willing to suffer anything. That doesn't necessarily mean the feeling of suffering goes away. You just stop resisting, stop wanting to change it.
The difference is this:
Person A is suffering and wants to stop the suffering. Which in a paradoxical way prolongs the suffering.
Person B is suffering and doesn't care. Which in a paradoxical way ends the suffering.
Happiness is just total acceptance of whatever is happening NOW, no matter how terrible is it. Imagine that someone is sawing off your leg, and you are like, "Okay, cool. So be it. I will enjoy this." << That is true happiness. You don't resist it.
Lol, sure. It even includes the giraffe you have in your head

The why is, you want to feel good, feel complete.
If you felt complete right now, you would not want anything.
Notice that every day, you feel incomplete. Your entire life, you've felt incomplete. So you chase things which you think will make you feel complete.
But it never works, because completeness is an existential insight, not a material object.
This is because, you are disconnected from who/what you are existentially. Completeness can only come with existential understanding.
It's sort of like if you imagined you should have 3 arms, but you only saw you have 2. So you'd go looking to acquire a 3rd arm to feel complete. But the counter-intuitive move is not to go chop off someone's arm and stitch it to your chest, but to realize: "Oh!!!! Duh!!! I should only have 2 arms! So everything is perfect! "
Happiness is wanting exactly what you presently have.
Unhappiness is wanting something you don't presently have.
It's that simple. But not easy to really grok. The mind will not just surrender its wants. That requires enlightenment. Your very life is tied to your wants. The reason you want anything is because you want to stay alive. So the really counter-intuitive move is to say, "I want to die."

Happiness is being conscious of the magnificence of existence in every moment, your mind uncluttered with conceptual baggage and petty "human stuff".
As a child, that was you natural state. Then as you aged, your mind was brainwashed and corrupted with the petty human concerns of your society and culture.
To see the magic in every moment of existence independent of external conditions is what you really want. It's the only thing that will truly satisfy you. Which is where spiritual practices come into play. Spiritual practices help you to develop a metaphysical connection to reality, rather than the utilitarian, transactional mode from which you currently operate.
As a kid, your mode of interaction with reality was non-transactional. Which gave you genuine joy.

@Freakrik Lol
That would be 0.0000000000001% of what your happiness would be at the moment of full awakening.
Try to imagine how happy you would feel if realized that death is impossible and that you are immortal and nothing in the universe can ever hurt you and that you personally own every galaxy and all of the stuff in them. And this condition lasts forever.
P.S. If you want true happiness, stop thinking with your dick.

I tried it once. Didn't like it. It was too much for doing work. And that was 10ug.
I suppose I should try it some more. I wanted it to be a powerful technique but for me it feels like I'm better off just doing a solid trip than microdosing. Other people may feel differently, like if you're depressed or something, maybe it would be good for you.
Modafinil feels a lot better for everyday activities and work than 10ug of LSD. Modafinil is so nice I often don't take it simply because I feel like it's cheating. Life is too good on Modafinil, LOL. You can't rely on drugs to hold up your life. Tripping is different. Tripping is a rare event which is more like a rite of passage or a retreat. So it's very different from daily dosing of drugs for life enhancement. I'm generally not a fan of near-daily dosing of anything because it becomes a crutch.
But hey, if you can't function without it because you have bad ADHD or whatever, then it might be good for you, for a while.
Eventually though your goal should be to be totally free of chemical crutches. Happiness must come from within.

Fear is always about the future.
You don't fear your past rape. You fear having to experience that again.
And even if you are afraid of your memories of that event, what you fear is re-living that experience (via your memories) in the future.
So even fear of a memory is fear of the future, not the past. Because fear is fundamentally resistance to future experience. If something has already been experienced, or is being currently experienced, it is not feared, since it's already here there is no need to fear it.
Don't believe me. Explore how fear actually works in your direct experience. Notice whether your fear is actually of the past, the present, or the future. This requires some good mindfulness skill.
Be careful not to turn this into speculation about how fear works. Do not speculate or guess! Actually look at what fear is doing in your direct experience. There's no room for guesswork here.
Is fear about the past or the future? Don't guess! Check what your fear is doing.

@peanutspathtotruth Your mind is simply not developed enough to handle the revelations which the higher doses must reveal.
Don't worry so much about getting a breakthrough. That will come naturally once you are ready for it. The way you get ready for it is by doing smaller trips, contemplating deeply, doing other practices, and taking time to integrate each trip.
Do 10-20 smaller trips and integrate all those insights. Then you'll be ready for a breakthrough.
You're trying to go too fast and your psyche isn't equipped to handle it.
This work is a marathon, not a sprint.
It took me about 1 year to integrate my highest dose (30mg) 5-MeO-DMT trip. Now I can handle a lot more (not dosage-wise but insight-wise).
It all comes down to this key question: How much mindfuck can your psyche handle?
The mindfuck goes much deeper than anyone expects. It blindsides you and you don't even know what happened because Truth is such a mindfuck.

And that is why you suffer.
Your desire for goodness creates hell, since good and bad are in truth one. So by desiring goodness only you desire falsehood.

Actually no physical signature is happening. You merely imagine it.
There is no such thing as a brain at all. Nor is there a physical world.
It's all imaginary. You are imagining all of science and history.
In a dream, nothing is real.