Before I move out of my mother's place I was having a really bad relationship with her, I had a daily quarrel with frustration, anger,victimization, abandon trauma and low physical aggression ( pushing her, putting my hand on her mouth cause I was afraid that the neighbors could hear us and think that I am crazy.
My long distance relationship with her has improved and I am going to spend a few nights with her because she has just gotten the driver's licence and she needs something to help her to remind basic of driving.
2 weeks ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and I called her to have an emotional talking for the first time in 15 years, since she had to go to Italy to work I have had a repulsion and a self defense mechanism, I loved her and because she left me I repressed my feelings for her when I was 12 to avoid to suffer again. I could cry a bit but I couldn't let myself go that my, the self defense mechanism is still strong. I realized that I have been carrying this SDM so many years and I gotta do something to improve my emotional life and relationship with people in general. I am a very subtle fear with people that they are gonna judge me and all this thoughts are based on one of these triggers from the past in that very moment when my mother had to leave me, I remember that I was crying for a few days.
I need some advice from somebody who has already have an healing experience with her/his mother, if you have some information from a book or you watched a video and you come with that just go away please.
I am going to stay with her a few night and I do not know how manage the situation, how to let this SDM and go deep in my self, how to talk to her. I know that If I do this I am going to put down a really big stone on my soul.
