Diane

Epiphanies It was a very interesting week from the emotional point of view.. On Monday I spend almost an hour talking at the phone with the colleague in Sardinia I had a crush on (he didn't call me on Sunday, I did nothing and he called me the day after.. Doing nothing rocks!! ). We mostly talked about me and my story going from Sardinia to Switzerland. As I talked to him he noticed I'm struggling right now, he said I'm not the Diane he used to know, always happy and cheerful. He did like that version of me more.. I didn't tell him but it's sad because the gloomy version of me I am now is somewhat stronger and better that the happy face he was used to.. Maybe we'll continue keeping in touch but more probably not, at the very least because he told me he's seeing someone and he really likes her (at the point of spending almost one hour with me at the phone.. Idk.. I can only act on what I see and hear..) The Universe talks me about para-athletes!! Yep, it does!! At the Clinic I work to we're not actually specialized in treating para-athletes but sometimes there are patients who for one reason or another become para-athlete or wish to continue their previous sport as para-athlètes, so fascinating!! The Universe is on my side. It totally is. Sometimes I forget it though.. In the end things always go as they should and it's for the best!! Using my therapist's words: what's good for my neighbor is not necessarily good for me too.. I already have had this "epiphany" on a conscious level but I keep seeing how believing I should do things in a certain way because "that's what Leo said" or "that's how Beyoncé/Mimi Ikonn does" etc can be detrimental. There is not an absolute perfect way to do things, it's mostly about finding my own specific way of doing things to achieve the same results (if not more.. ). I'm learning to accept not being liked by everybody all the time. Yesterday I had lunch with a patient I met while dog the cue at the canteen and found out came from the very same town were I worked in Sardinia. It was amazing chatting with him but then there were the other patients who were a bit perplexed about that. I have no one regret!! Yesterday I had my second live therapy session on BetterHelp. Among others I told her about the bout of depression I had on Thursday morning: it was not a stressful day and I wasn't interrupted so frequently so on paper everything was set for me to do the things I had to do with calm yet I felt so sad and desperate I could barely fonction. And that's what I did, the bare minimum trying to survive one minute at a time. But I really couldn't understand where that sadness was coming from.. And when I told here she just started explaining me about automatic thoughts, it was so clear and evident for her!! So after the session I looked a little more into it and here's what I found out: Automatic thoughts NB: Thoughts are not necessarily true, accurate or helpful. Ask: Is this fact or opinion? Automatic thoughts are images, words, or other kinds of mental activity that pop into your head in response to a trigger. Automatic thinking refers to automatic thoughts that stem from beliefs people hold about themselves and the world = Self-concept or how people perceive themselves and their past experiences, their abilities, their prospects for the future, and any other aspects of the self. The basic idea of how our self-concepts and cognitive biases affect our lives has to do with automatic thoughts. --> cycle self-belief --> automatic thought --> emotion --> behavior --> self-belief reinforcement. As the name indicates, these automatic thoughts cannot be controlled by people directly, since they are reflexive reactions based on the beliefs people hold about themselves and the world. However, people can indirectly control these thoughts by challenging the beliefs that lead to them. Identifying the negative thought can be challenging because as the thought is more familiar, more accepted, like a part of the personality, it is more automatic, and the more automatic the thought is, the more difficult it is to detect it. My automatic thoughts and a little processing “How am I going to do all this?” --> I'm afraid I won't make it --> “I can’t do it.” What does it mean that I can't do it? I am not good enough What happens if I am not good enough? I loose confidence in myself. What does self-confidence mean? Being confident that we have the tools to deal with the situations we're faced with in life. --> I can handle the situations I'm faced with. I can do it. I am good enough, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't.

Speechless There's an italian wine called "Senza parole", "Speechless". And that's exactly how I feel now, in the most positive sense possible.. I'll try t verbalize it anyway.. So.. Yesterday was a incredible day. I had my first live session with my therapist on BetterHelp and it was amazing!! We mostly just got to know each other, she said she found me to be an enjoyable and caring person. Then in the evening I went for a night out with a friend in Lausanne and it was just the best of experiences from the beginning to the end, I even found out I actually have a club in Lausanne, the D!Club, and it's amazing of course!! I'm learning to be more authentic and also vulnerable in my relationships.. Who knew the wonders it could work? I have a phone appointment with the guy I flirted with in Sardina tonight. I still have a mega crush on him, it almost hurts.. Reflecting on it I had realized that if I want a loving relationship with him that's how I need to be in his regard. We had a chance to text on Instagram this afternoon and instead of responding in funny or even sarcastic ways as before I actually answered him from my hearth and it ended up in him proposing to call me this evening to talk more about my long story from Italy to Switzerland. My mind of course went right to how we can organize a date for Valentine's day... Then I realized that also enjoying the moment as it will be will be more than good enough.. #that'snotthepoint... Talking about overthinking/getting lost in my head this week I read a a super article from Darius Foroux about the subject and the lesson is: Which thoughts are useful? Thinking about how you can solve problems. A problem is just an unanswered question. Put your brain to use and think about how you can solve problems. There are a lot of those on this earth. Understanding knowledge. That mean this: Try to internalize knowledge and think about how you can use that knowledge to improve your life, career, work, relationships, etc. That’s it. You can ignore every other thought. Also, you’re probably thinking so much that you’re missing out of life. Did you notice the sunshine this morning when you woke up? Or the raindrops? Did you notice the smell of your coffee? Did you feel the texture of your cereals? If your answer is no, you definitely need to get out of your head. Stop thinking and start feeling. I shall feel (and do) instead of thinking useless thoughts.. The other lesson learned this week comes from the one and only Matthew Hussey.. It'a about learning to not only invest as much as the other but also to be vigilant that the investment / effort we're doing doesn't come with gigantic expectations attached.. In his words: Attention is NOT intention. 2 principles: Don't give what you're not prepared to loose. Littman's test: can you be happy with what you're doing simply being a good memory instead of an actual future? Can you be happy if it doesn't turn out into something more? When you get to the sweetspot, have the conversations that allow you to make the distinctions (the conversation about what your needs are, what your boundaries are and where you want something to go.) Thank you Matthew. Thank you Universe!!

It's been two pretty hard weeks for me and I ended up self diagnosing a burnout. Not the worst of the cases but I did correspond to its definition. Doing some research in search of a solution I finally subscribed on BetterHelp so thankfully I'll be getting some professional help, also for my other issues. This afternoon I also did The Work on the belief "I will always be late on everything". Here it is: Being late.pdf. It helped me see once again that it's ok not to be perfect. I'll never be and it's perfectly fine.. Then I watched Teal's Swan video on "The Secret To A Happy Life". Here's what I learned and re-discovered: The way to purify your life is to realize that even though life seems complicated, it's actually very simple. It's as simple as figuring out what you value and then living unconditionally according to those values. Values = what you consider from your most authentic core to be most important. Deep inside your hearth, what do you really want? Your values are about how you want to be in the world relative to others and to yourself, what you want to do and how you want to go about doing it. Your strong emotions in life are always connected to a core value --> when you get upset it's important to see what value is getting threatened. NB: there is no future, we live in a universe where all that exist is the now. And what you do now is what's setting up your point of attraction for the future = the Universe is just looking at you and saying: "either you live according to your top priorities now, or the future will never change, it will only stay a match to what you're telling me through your actions is your actual priority" Do today as you would do in the future, unconditionally!! Defining your values 1. Looking back at your life When were you the absolute happiest? The period when I was working and also managed to do Crossfit, Pilates and even the climbing course. At the same tome I ran regularly AND studied AND had a social life!! Why? I had it all in my own terms. What were you doing? All of the above. What factors contributed the most to this happiness? Having balance between the things that I love most: I love my job and also doing sports and being social. When were you the most proud of yourself and why? During my runs after a night shift. Surpassing people running (#theswoosh) When did you experience the most fulfillment and meaning? Explaining things to patients. Why? I was able to help them understand their health problem which means more probability of them taking the medication and being more on the healthy side of life in general (#consciousnessistheanswertoallquestions) 2. Looking at your life now What situation makes you the unhappiest? Being unprepared for things and being late on deadlines. Why? It makes me look imperfect… What desire or need is missing from your life now? Running, Crossfit, studying. What part of your life now makes you feel the happiest now? Salsa!! Why? It's just the best thing ever, I love every single part of it!! What provides the most meaning? Helping patients understand their illnesses, accepting what cannot be changed and motivating them to work on what can be changed. What makes you feel the most proud and the most fulfilled in your current life? Seeing patient start walking. 3. Look at each aspect of your life (relationships, career, leisure..) and ask yourself: A. What personal qualities do I want to bring to this aspect of life? B. How would I behave, what would I do if I were the ideal version of myself relative to this aspect of my life? Relationships: A. Love, kindness, empathy , authenticity. B. I would have the courage to always say what I think. I would never judge people. Career A. Professionalism, optimism, hope, joy. B. I would do my work with joy and lightness. Leisure A.Discipline, consistency, joy. B. I would do my exercises no matter what. 4. Looking at your future If you could design your perfect life, what would it look like? Work-exercice-study-social life What would you be getting out of your life being that way? Joy, fulfillment, a fit body, a fit mind and a fit spirit. What is the best part of your ideal future life? DANCING!!! And Crossfit!! What would make you the most proud, most fulfilled and give you the most meaning? Being excellent in my job. And why? I could deliver the best service to my patients. --> My core value: Balance What steps could I make to live it? Running in the morning Doing my exercises no matter what Studying no matter what I still have an underlying sensation of fear and anxiety toward the near future (will I be ale to do all the things at work? Will I be able to do my exercises and also study?). But I feel way better than the last few days. I'm not crying anymore and don't envy my patients for doing more physical activities that what I do. They're just the Universe's kind way of reminding me of my core values and what I need to incorporate in my daily life to be the best version of myself. So, once again: thank you Universe!!!

I made a list!! There are so many things I want to contemplate!! Ready go!! Total empathy - Robert Greene I listened to a podcast from him talking a bit about The Laws of Human Nature. I don't remember all the details but I was struck by the concept of total empathy. It's not easy, at all. Also, what does it mean in practice? I can choose to be empathetic with a person but if he/she is acting wrong? How do I communicate it? Note to self: re-watch Leo's video on communication and maybe take a course on communication in the future. Acceptance, responsibility and defencelessness. I stumbled on the book "The seven spiritual laws of success" by Deepak Chopra. It's just one hour long yet so dense of wisdom!! I ended up listening to it and then also reading it.. When I listened to it I was touched by the concepts of "acceptance, responsibility and defencelessness". And between the three mostly by the dea of responsibility. It's something I thought about yesterday, the idea that I am totally responsible for my life and in part also for how things go outside of my little life. I realized I have more power than I thought, I can make a difference. Unfortunately in the specific situation I realized it too late but it was a good lesson. I am powerful!! Adding to that, Deepak Chopra defines Responsibility as "the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now", and it's in the chapter about the law of least effort. It's so brilliant and true!! Accepting the situation as it is now I don't waste precious energies debating with the universe and wishing things were different, I just do the right thing to do given the reality I'm confronted to. Also, the defencelessness part reminds the importance of desisting from the need to defend our point of view. On the same note he then talks about remaining in a state of self-referral, not to look at ourselves with other people's eyes. That's not the point I came to this illumination a few days ago while going to work. I don't remember exactly how I came about it but it's the concept of "when we lead an extraordinary life, finding someone great is a byproduct" (#thankyou Matthew Hussey!!). I realized a lot of my activities were centered on finding someone, AKA The One, but THAT'S TOTALLY NOT THE POINT!!! I knew it already but it's only now that I'm starting to understand AND act on it. For example for this year I chose to start to go to a church where I thought there were more people of my age but that's utterly not the point!! If I decide to go to church it's for attending the Mass, praying, being with God and being in a spiritual mood and environment that enriches and expands my consciousness. This last point being the actual goal of my existence: I'm not here to find "The One" but to explore the vastness of what is possible. Then, if I also find someone to share this journey with it will be a nice cherry on the top of a cake that would have been great anyway!! It's amazing how the simplest things can take so long to understand.. Thank you Universe for this too!! Truth telling I see myself not telling the truth more and more often recently. It goes back to the concept of wanting to uphold a certain image of ourselves at all costs. And as Brad Blanton perfectly wrote "When we are trying to protect and preserve our image of who we are, much of our time is spent in worrying. When we try to improve our image, much of our time is spent in fantasy. You go crazy when worry and fantasy are your only two options." I worried and fantasized so much this week.. What a waste of time and energies!! Better let go of the image of perfection I will never sustain anyway and use the energies I have to find solutions to my problems.. Bye bye perfect self. I don't know if I would really enjoy being you anyway. In the larger scheme of things actually not, even God in his/her perfection decided to spice it up a bit by creating imperfection... Rejection Talking about the beauty of not having a perfect life: yesterday I realized the guy I went out for a while with actually gave me what I needed and kind of asked for too. At a moment when we were in a sort of foreplay before kissing, I realized I had never been rejected in love and I had never made the first step in fear of being rejected. So he played on it a bit refusing to place the cup he was holding on the floor as I asked him but it was just a game. THEN he did truly reject me by not answering to my messages and playing it cool when I saw him a few days later... At the same time, going on with the exercises on the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" I decided to set the goal of asking out people when I want to go out with them with a spirit of total equanimity and detachment. There's no shame in being rejected, it's part of life and it's just fine. I saw a Ted Talk from Marisa Peer on the subject and she suggests five ways to respond to rejection and criticism in general: "Thank you for sharing that". Tell self: I don't have to let that in; what's the point in arguing? "I am sorry, I didn't hear it all, can you repeat that?" "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? why would you say that? I am not going to let that in" "Well that's not going to work, I am not going to let that in" "While we are sharing, did you know the most critical people don't like themselves? Their inner workings of themselves are projected outward. So, when you are critical, you are showing everyone your criticisms of yourself and your internal bitterness" IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE REJECTIONS THE PERSON IS LEFT WITH THAT. While listening to her I realized that a similar response can be offered also to our self deprecating thoughts. It's incredible being able to do it in that context, it nurtures the seeds of love in us while gently cutting out the weeds of self-hate.. Humble ++ In this week of not telling the truth I also judged other people, a lot. I finally realized everything I was finding as a fault in others was just something I didn't want to see in my own behavior and actions... Take the lead This goes back to the concept of being powerful. I chose this phrase after noticing it in my vision board.. Yep, I'm the boss, the chief, I'm a motherf*ing GODDESS!! Now the question may be "can you reconcile being humble with being a goddess-leader-chief-diva-thebeyoncéofmedicine"? Yes, of course!! Leading by example!!

Let go and forgive I've just finished watching Leo's video on letting go. One of the thing I noticed I need to let go is the anxiety I feel towards the number of things I have to do. I just need to star doing them.. Then I stumbled on a post on Instagram about forgiveness. It was such a great reminder!! The guy I went out with a few times during the last weeks totally disrespected me. I was angry and pissed off but didn't show him, I just decided not to have any more contact with him. Now that I also decided to forgive him (I don't know why he acted as he did) I don't have anymore the underground resentment I was feeling. I won't invite him to my table but I forgive him, and I love him at the same time. I wish you the best W, thank you for everything.

@Eph75 Thank you!!

So... There is a friend of mine in a difficult psychological situation who wants to move to Switzerland to change her environment and ideally change her life. While on the front I want to support her and I am more or less doing it, there is a part of me very reluctant at the idea.. So here I am finally trying to clarify that to myself, hopefully I'll be able to be more honest with her too then. Welcome judgmental me!! Reasons I think it's not a good idea She doesn't speak French nor English so well and doesn't appear to me as in the process of trying to improve her skills at that. I'm afraid that the impact of changing everything at once will be too stressful for her. She's got a lot of psychological issues on and would better work on them first. I'm not sure if the co-habitation with her would go well. For example: she almost doesn't eat vegetables and I'm considering going vegan again and in general a meal without vegetables is not a real meal for me. Reasons it could be a good idea She actually told me she managed to communicate with some clients in English a few days ago. I can't really know how resourceful she is. A physical distance from the people she has issues with may make it easier for her to solve her problems. She already has an experience with living with roommates and I could learn something from her experience. Who knows, maybe I could have the chance of satisfying my curiosity around being sexual with a girl... Finally it looks like there are more reasons it could be a great thing, I'm just afraid of breaking my equilibrium yet there is no other way to grow too.. So welcome V!! Expanding my consciousness When the student is ready the teacher appears so I guess I'm ready.. The guy (W) who saved me from totally entering a burnout reminding me of the big picture also made realize how shallow is my relationship with my parents, in particular with my mother, even though I say I love her so much. I was sexually abused when I was 6 from a guy who worked for us as a houseboy in Burundi. It has never occurred to me to even question if to tell it or not to my parents, I just went on with my life.. W suggested I should tell them, also in the idea of having a more authentic relationship with them. He is probably right and I noticed how him revealing to me parts of his past made me more at ease talking about my own so it may work at the same way with my parents if I decide to open up. He's so sweet!! He waited for me to be ready and let me be the one to make the first move when we kissed. I had never done "the first move", not sober at least... I learned the verb "to dare" from him. He said I should have the courage to shake things, totally defying my people pleasing tendencies.. I don't even know how to start telling them about what happened to me. It was very interesting that he told me I explain it just like a child.. _ . _ . _ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._ I noticed I have never really dealt with this trauma so I started doing a little research on the theme.. At first I didn't see why I would bother looking on it as I don't really have a memory of what happened (post-traumatic amnesia?? maybe..) and I don't feel traumatized as a consequence. Thankfully I remembered my own predicament that "consciousness is the answer to all questions" and went on with the research. I now realize that this trauma (I even have difficulty describing it as such, I was tempted to just use the word "event"...) had an impact on many levels, not only on my sexual life. I remember how when we went back to Burundi for the first time in 2011 (after leaving in 1996), the old friends I reconnected with said that I had totally changed, they remembered me as very social and extrovert and here I was shy and afraid of everything... So, here's what I've learnt in the last four hours or so: RECOVERING FROM RAPE AND SEXUAL TRAUMA "Rape is a crime of opportunity. Studies show that rapists choose victims based on their vulnerability, not on how sexy they appear or how flirtatious they are." A very basic concept yet always important to keep in mind. Step 1: Open up about what happened to you It can be extraordinarily difficult to admit that you were raped or sexually assaulted. Yes, it is. There’s a stigma attached. Yes, a lot. It can make you feel dirty and weak. I felt both but recently thinking about it makes me mostly feel weak. You may also be afraid of how others will react. Will they judge you? Look at you differently? I think it's the principal reason I didn't tell my parents about it. Yet would it really be so bad if they started looking at me differently? My mum always tells me she wish nothing bad happens to the people she loves. It already has happened and I actually survived and dare I say thrived in many ways. Also, how arrogant is it from my part to think they wouldn't be able to handle it!? It comes back to the situation with my friend. Maybe she will suffer or maybe not, all I can do is love her and let her do her thing. It seems easier to downplay what happened or keep it a secret. But when you stay silent, you deny yourself help and reinforce your victimhood. I noticed I have the tendency to be very passive, in sexual situations in particular and in relationships in general. I mentioned the making the first move thing above.. Elaborating more on that kiss, we were on my bed (a minuscule one btw) and there was a moment I think he wanted to make me lie down, I froze for an instant and he just kept kissing me staying seated. I don't know if it really happened that way or he just noticed it was impractical yet it's a pretty likely it went this way. That means in general I have the tendency to freeze and let people do what they want to me hoping it's for the best. So yeah not saying things (what happened to me when I was a child, how I feel AND most importantly what I want and don't want) is definitely NOT the best way to go.. You can’t heal when you’re avoiding the truth. And hiding only adds to feelings of shame. As scary as it is to open up, it will set you free. However, it’s important to be selective about who you tell, especially at first. Your best bet is someone who will be supportive, empathetic, and calm. If you don’t have someone you trust, talk to a therapist or call a rape crisis hotline. I listened to a podcast with Wendy Waltz as a guest and will start listening to her book "The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse". I also ordered the workbook "The Courage to Heal Workbook- For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Laura Davis. Thankfully I don't expect it to be something I'll be able to solve in an afternoon. I may also start going to a therapist in the near future, we'll see. Step 2: Cope with feelings of guilt and shame Even if you intellectually understand that you’re not to blame for the rape or sexual attack, you may still struggle with a sense of guilt or shame. These feelings can surface immediately following the assault or arise years after the attack. But as you acknowledge the truth of what happened, it will be easier to fully accept that you are not responsible. You did not bring the assault on yourself and you have nothing to be ashamed about. Ok, I have nothing to be ashamed about. Roger that. Step 3: Prepare for flashbacks and upsetting memories I have never had any until now but it's useful to know already they may re-surface. Step 4: Reconnect to your body and feelings In the interview with Wendy Maltz she mentioned her Relearning Touch exercices, it would be amazing to have the opportunity to do it with W. I definitely need to propose him, maybe he'll say yes, maybe not but I will never know if I don't ask him... Step 5: Stay connected I'm doing more and more effort in that sense. Did I mention that on Monday I'll start taking salsa dance lessons?!?! Tai Lopez would be proud of me!!! Step 6: Nurture yourself Once again, thank you W. He's vegan and since I met him I'm more aware of the cognitive dissonance I'm in knowing that meat and dairy are not good for me (nor for the environment etc) and still eating them. I did feel some shame yesterday buying a mixed salad with an egg, ham and cheese. Good, friction is good. Today I finally had the courage to enter a shop just in front of where I live I had always idealized as being too organic for me as I'm still not so eco-friendly.. I found out they actually sell animal-derived products too so now I can return there with more peace of mind and I know where to go to find better quality nuts, fresh fruits, vegetables and similar. HEALING FROM CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ASSAULT "Healing".. What a beautiful word!! Common Challenges for Adult Survivors Intimate Relationships and Personal Boundaries Trust is a crucial issue for many survivors throughout their lives because it was broken as such a young age by the very people who were supposed to care the most for them. Because survivors of childhood sexual abuse may have had to keep the abuse a secret in order to protect the family, as a result, many survivors may feel they have to put the needs of others above their own. Someone would call that people pleasing... Because their personal boundaries were invaded when they were young, adult survivors may have trouble understanding that they have the right to control what happens to them. Yep. Fear, anxiety, and being ‘always on guard’ and the Art of Remembering Fear and anxiety are normal responses to trauma. Some survivors have experienced traumatic amnesia or delayed recall of memories of child sexual abuse. Traumatic amnesia is a particular response of the brain that prevents a child from having any conscious recall of the abuse. It is associated with extreme emotional trauma. Memory loss has a reason: we may have been so young when abused that we were unable to form thoughts or put our feelings into words. Memories can’t be forced; they will come back when the brain is ready to handle them. My current fear is loosing control. I think it comes from the belief that loosing control (I spent a good five long minutes freaking out before finding the courage to kiss W...) means that something bad will happen to me and I won't be able to stop it until it's too late.. Final takeaways: 6 years old me was courageous too. I did say no in the end. You rock 6 years old me, I love you from the deepest of my heart. As Marie Forleo's mum says: everything is figureoutable, we'll figure it out, don't worry!! :* It's of the utmost importance to express myself, even if it feels uncomfortable and it may provoque some disharmony.

Gratitude Both the two reviews I did lacked the item "what I am grateful for" but I'm too grateful not to write it also here, apart from my Five Minute Journal. I'm thrilled at the idea of going back to work!! I've just read some emails and in more than one of them my supervisor talked about how I had done a great job!! I love my job, I'm so lucky to have he opportunity to something I love as a job!! I'm grateful for many many other things too.. Like all the times the Universe didn't let me choose and always made the best choice for me. Or my super little brother who this morning made me watch The Witcher. I really wanted to see that show and in the end I didn't like it so I didn't go beyond the first episode.. Isn't it just perfect?! That gave me more time to do other things.. Talking about TV, thanks to him I also finally watched Endgame!!! Just amazing!!! *spoileralert* At the beginning I was a bit disappointed by the narrative of modifying the past but the ending was too great not to love the whole movie!!! I also watched the movie Last Christmas. Soo beautiful, I cried so hard... "You're made of everything you do" I had an incredible Christmas!! I even taught my mum and my brother the basic steps of Salsa and Bachata!!! It was really a great week of vacation!! In summary I am grateful +++, really!!

Bye bye 2010s; hello 2020s!!! Inspired by Marie Forleo I did a decade review.. For the vision part I modified the Vision for the next 5 years I had made last year. So here it is: 1. What I'm proud of (obstacles overcome, results created) The incredible growth I experienced: transitioning from living life as I thought I should to living it as I actually feel like. I am a Doctor!!! Having been able to find a sort of balance in the relationship with my father: I can appreciate and accept him while still seeing his shortcomings. Having learned to say no and to respect myself. I learned what it feels like to be physically fit. What was most important and why: Graduating. It marked the end of my life as a student and the official beginning of my life as an adult. 2. My learnings (what wisdom has become cristal clear to me. Look for your mistakes..) It's crucial to be 100% authentic in relationships. I can't find someone I really like nor someone who loves me as I am if I keep projecting a false image of who I am. People can't read my mind: I must have the courage to tell what I want and feel. I need to put myself first: it's good to help others but not at the expense of my own happiness and fulfillment. Consciousness: to be more conscious of how I spend my time. To ask for help. What lessons are most important and why? To love myself as I am. I now know I have the permission to be me unapologetically. 3. What I'm willing to let go of Old projects and goals: Crossfit at all costs. Resentments, anger and upsets Towards my father: he can't but be how he is and it's perfect. Limiting beliefs or crappy old stories I need to be perfect all the time. I'm able to take naps after dinner. Just because I've done it in 2015 it doesn't mean I still can do it nor that it's the right course of action. What's most important to let go of and why (what has it cost you, prevented you from experiencing or achieving): People pleasing!! It prevented me from being my best self and attracting what I really wanted. 4. What's next? What's my future? (things you'd love to create, experience or achieve in the next decade) --> be as specific and concrete as possible. My vision of the next ten years Spiritual I meditate every day I practice contemplation I trust the Universe Intellectual I am up to date with all the research in my domain I read a lot, personal development material and also lots of different subjects to broaden my culture Emotional I am love I love what is, I don't argue with reality. I embody the four agreements (be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, always do your best) Physical I am lean, strong and beautiful AF. I run and exercise regularly. I can dance gracefully on any kind of music, particularly salsa!! Marital I have a very handsome husband that I love, admire and inspire and who loves, admires and inspires me as well. Parental -I'm still not sure if I want to have children but in case...- I am a loving and nurturing mother and I give a good education to my children. Social I have a group of friends with common values and aspirations. I see them regularly and we always have a great time together I take part to a lot of work and non work-related events and I network easily I have friends all over the world Vocational (career) I have finally found what "being a healer" means for me I do volunteering work in Burundi Avocational (hobbies) I cook delicious meals for me, my family and my friends Financial I am financially free!! --> My most important goals for 2020 Being fluent in physical rehabilitation = studying every day. Self care = doing my morning and evening routines and exercising daily. Finding someone to love 3000 = nurturing my relationships. Being financially free = acting on the book I will teach you to get rich. Why are they important? I love my job and I love being great at it. To become the best version of myself. I want to experience what's possible. To have more emotional and mind space for the other three. Who do I need to become in order to bring them to life A disciplined and organised student. A visionary: someone able to see the big picture and understand why having certain priorities and making certain efforts will bring her far far away that doing the next hyper urgent thing that isn't even that urgent anyway.. Someone who loves herself unconditionally and unapologetically. A financial conscious person. 5. What future me wants me to know now Dearest D, Just have faith and keep going. You can't even begin to imagine how great is sex with your soon to be husband. He's just A M A Z I N G !!! Now back to work, there's a lot to do!! Stay loving. D

2019 in review CELEBRATE: I'm alive, I made it trough this year!!! Really, I made it!! Wins I need to celebrate of this past year: Having made it through the transition to Switzerland!! Having matured: I am more able to accept myself as I am I inspired some people The African dinner I once organized when I was still in Sardinia I am more feminine now I am more intentional in my relationships. What was I doing when I achieved my best results from last year: Studying Executing plans Reading the best books on self development and applying the lessons I was learning Allowing myself to be utterly me. One life lesson I learned from last year: I am free. Completely free. I have the right to be me. My greatness will come from being original, not from copy-pasting other great people. I can create something even better than what I get inspiration from. About last year's goals: Meditate every day: I tried and then stopped even trying when I realized I was free.. Yet as Tom Bilyeu says: Discipline = Freedom… Studying (emergency medicine, internal medicine, physical medicine, French, memory and speed reading): I did study, a bit. Much more can still be done though. Becoming financially savvy: I have a saving account. I haven't payed my debts yet but everything is in place to do so, I just need to take the time to finalise it. And I don't have a true budget. Going out at least once a week; meeting new people → conferences, lectures and seminars, writing to a different person once a week: I did it, I met a lot of new people and went to seminars and workshops. I could have reached out to more people and more frequently though. Being fit → crossfit, running 2 times per week (at the beginning there was also the goal of being vegan…). I more or less failed this goal. I don't even know when was the last time I went running or to a Crossfit class.. -> Other lessons I can bring with me in 2020: Discipline = Freedom. I am free to choose what I want to do and being disciplined on what I choose to do will bring more freedom in return. I love studying!! I knew it already but some parts of me haven't really registered it.. I'm always incredibly amazed of it when I experience it… Courage makes life easier!! Truth liberates. Crossfit is not a religion nor a God… I can be fit even without it… The concept of cognitive dissonance: knowing a truth yet acting against it. The most evident example is the fact that I'm an omnivore while knowing all the problems related to eating animal-derived products. Or the lie I tell myself every time I go for a nap after dinner.. I've recently found out it's something I've been conscious of at least since 2016.. --> Things I need to focus on more in 2020 Being disciplined Exercising regularly Eating well Having a financial plan

Lesson learned number 1512 I spent the evening with a guy I met yesterday at a party and we had one of the most profound conversations I have ever had. Here's what I (re)learnt thanks to him: I am the Beyonce of Medicine. He made me remember where I actually want to go and it was very helpful to see the difficulties I'm having now from another perspective. I strong, a warrior --> when do I feel strong? Not only did he remind me that I am strong, he also proposed me as an exercise to notice whenever I feel strong. I am free!! I can choose how to live my life. He made me realize how I structured my life from other people's opinion of what is best, which is not necessarily what is best for me. He also made a very interesting comment about how this mode of action came from how well I integrated my father's strictness..

That's the lesson from the last two weeks.. I felt so many negative emotion while lost in the belief that things should be different that they are.. Thank God the Universe helped me out again and I started listening to the book "A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are" by Byron Katie. It's the old "there's nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so". Everything is perfect as it is. I am perfect as I am.

Mastery is NOT about perfection After reading two times Mastery from George Leonard I actually hadn't realized it. Thankfully I stumbled upon Brian Johnson's summary and two other reviews on it (1; 2). Here's the map for you, dear future me!!

I did study yesterday though.. I know I could so much more but for some reasons I don't. Today I watched Leo's video Life Unfolds In Chapters & Phases. Right now I'm in a limbo-start phase.. The more I go on with the job I'm in right now and the more my ignorance gets exposed, to others but also to myself. So yeah, in most cases I do the right thing anyway but there's so many things I've got to review.. The good thing is that this weekend I actualized my life purpose almost by the letter. "To do plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness". I finally got back on studying. Yesterday I studied all day long and it was amazing!! The Universe had my back once again as I didn't receive any texts demanding for long or complicated answers so I wasn't distracted. Today I went on doing some papers for the validation of the years I did in Italy. I had many more things on my list and I didn't finish neither that one... In summary the vision is clear, it's just the execution that needs improvement... I want to be prepared for things. Enough complaining then, Black Panther mode on.

Dear me, you're great, go on!! I've just found out that in this thread I've never used the word "procrastination". The last time I used it was on February 6th, 2018 on the other journal I had.. Wow!! The background of all of it is that in the last two weeks albeit doing the "urgent" things I did procrastinate on the rest.. I let the four horsemen of procrastination take the lead.. This evening I finally did one of the things I had procrastinated on and it took three minutes!!! Incredible!! The "you're great" comes from the fact that I actually realized that yes I'm not as perfect as I would like but I'm pretty competent in my work and in the end I do what needs to be done, even if at the moment most of the times I have very acute bouts of Impostor Sindrome... The back-background of looking for a word in my journal is that a few days ago I wanted to help a friend looking for anxiety so I looked for it here.. And that is a pretty frequent one on this journal though... Anyway, I just wanted to acknowledge the fact that even if part of me still feels the need to be a certain way and would do anything possible to stop me from changing, growing and becoming more, I actually have all that I need to become it and it is almost inevitable!! Good things can happen, I can have a great life AND I can be competent and efficient in my work - EVEN IF I've nerver worked in French, in a réhabilitation clinic etc!! As Marie Forleo beautifully said it, maybe it's time to update how I see myself... And as for magic the wonderful Shan Boody came out with this amazing proposition on how to answer the question "so, what do you do for a living?" So: I am a junior doctor that aspires to become a world-class healer, kinda like Beyonce meets Deepak Chopra. And that's when I realized I've always had this ideal of becoming "a Deepak Chopra" but I've actually never read anything from him, and neither did I follow him on socials... Really, I've even quoted him on my vision board but I can't say I really know what he does and teaches. At least I now know I don't... *I've just (re)found out we were born on the same day of the year btw!!! Ok, I can go back to work now. Thank you Universe once again for all this consciousness coming my way!!!

@Focus Shift A great reminder!! Thank you!!

Hard work, worth and progress This week I began working in a new ward at the Clinic I'm working at. Saying it was challenging is almost euphemistic, but I managed to do almost everything. I kept wondering what "working hard" really means and if I could say I was and am working hard. Because I know I could do more and also could have done more in the past. So what can be described as working hard enough? Two weeks ago I spent a few days in Sardinia, the official excuse being that I had to do some papers to move forward the validation in Switzerland of the two years on Internal Medicine I did in Italy. It ended up being mostly a few day of vacation to see friends and go out a bit. So instead of doing that I could have stayed home and study a bit or go on with work. A sort of answer came from the incredible Ali Abdaal quoting Derek Sivers: Never forget why you're really doing what you're doing. Are you helping people? Are they happy? Are you happy? Are you profitable? Isn't that enough?? So: I do what I do (in my work) to make people healthier through consciousness. I am helping people and I'm sometimes astonished at how little it takes sometimes (things like closing a window or just being there.. Nothing I learned in medical school but God if it changed the situation and made the patient healthier in the large sense comprising of "happier"...). I am happy and profitable too. Yet the question remains: should I just work/study more? Like abandon everything else and just work and study because I so much need to get better in my work. It's obvious that there is a way to find a balance but as always it takes some discipline... Things like: how did I end up spending four hours on online shopping today? Yes, there will be an event for which I'll need a formal dress on December 8th but... Yet again it's all about consciousness. I'm now conscious it wasn't as urgent as I decided to view it: even if I'll be on call next weekend and the one after I'll probably go back to Sardinia there still was the last weekend of November to do some shopping and I could also have worn something I already have here in case... So right now, things being as they are, should I go for a run or go on with some work? I'll do a 7 minutes workout and then work. Talking about work, there's a line that fascinated me listening to Mastery from Robert Greene: "The goal of an apprenticeship is not money, good position, a title or a diploma but rather the transformation of your mind and character, the first transformation on your way to Mastery." Transformation of mind and character. That's exactly what's happening. After this first six months in Switzerland and after this week in particular, I can see how I am more: courageous ( for example if I have to make a call to a consultant or for anything that makes me anxious I just do it instead of worrying and procrastinating); loving to myself. I also recover sooner from the little relapses of anxiety (I am more practical in a sense, I don't dwell on anxiety or how people could judge me); compassionate towards other people, I know we're all in the same boat so as I make mistakes sometimes so they sometimes and the only thing to to is to find a solution, being angry or similar is useless and counter-productive; wise. It's not something I relate so much to the work experience but rather to the experiences I had in general in the last six months. For example yesterday I went to a party and drank some alcool just because someone opened a bottle of sparkling wine I wanted to taste, not because I needed it to be more relaxed or enjoy the night. The only regret I have about last night is not talking to a guy who was just perfect, like perfection chez perfection.. The excuse I gave was that there will be other occasions to meet someone.. Yes, maybe.. But at the same time the only time I can actually experience is the present so next time I'll remember to take advantage of the present!! surrendering to reality, or Truth if I may.. I goes back to being courageous too.. I am more able to accept things (and people) as they are and deal with them without wishing they were otherwise. "Truth is consciousness. Truth is what I am. The cost of seeking the truth is my Self"...

Consciousness is everything It is the answer, the way, and even the destination. This afternoon I stumble upon Teal Swan's video on Attraction and took some notes too. As they were very related, I also watched the one on Incompatibility and the one on How to be authentic. It all started with the attraction I felt towards my colleague and Thursday's night outrageous flirting. I kept wondering: why did I refrain myself? I already had found the fear of being vulnerable as a possible culprit and Teal Swan's video came to confirm and expand on it. The question now is: what part of me do I need to re-integrate and love based on this attraction? The first answer that comes to my mind is this: the one that still believes that I am not worthy of being loved by someone like him (he could have easily been a Calvin Klein model...) and that being vulnerable is too painful to even be considered as a possibility. So: Dear part of me living in that kind of reality, it's okay to be afraid. Just remember that you are beautiful and deserving of the most beautiful things (and people!!) in the world and you are much stronger than you think you are (did you forget you're a Crossfitter?!). Not even shame can defeat you!! I love to the moon and back. D. The deep desire behind all this is a desire for unconditional love and authenticity and they both emerge from the process of awakening, consciousness and awareness of the self. I also loved how Teal said that "being authentic" doesn't necessarily mean telling what we think in every situation, it's just about being conscious of our inautenticity when it happens.. Being authentic to the point of acting on my physical and emotional wants the other night would have translated in actually making out right in front of the others in the group.. Yet that's not what I really want for myself.. What I want is to "engage in sexual relations in a context of true love and deep long term commitment, made known to my family and friends". All this while "taking care of my sexual energy in appropriate ways and cultivating loving kindness, joy, compassion and inclusiveness".

Expansion I'm learning to expand my vision of myself and the world and it's very fascinating every time I notice it. There are multiple examples: A friend of mine who suffers from depression acting in a totally illogical way. She says one thing and then does the exact opposite. I realized all I can do is love her as she is and let consciousness do its work. In my process towards becoming more conscious regarding the relationships I entertain with other people I started writing to more people just to say hello, without any agenda. It felt awkward at first, as if "not being me" but again, if it's the best thing I can do it totally is -and should be- me!! Yesterday I went to dinner with a group of my ex colleagues in Sardinia and I flirted the whole night with one of them, it was almost embarrassing for the others to see I think.. Yet it ended up in nothing, I didn't make any real move and he neither.. Or so I interpreted it at the moment.. Today I had the illumination that I had the right to go get what I wanted, or at least actually check if he was really into me. Which I think he was, I think he was let down by the fact that I didn't respond to when he hugged me, I hadn't the courage to. #lessonlearned number 1024: the best things in life need to be grabbed with courage!! What was I so afraid of?? Being too emotionally exposed, loosing control.. I remember that was the exact answer I gave to another friend one time when he asked me what was the thing I was most afraid of… I shall do The Work on that one… The good thing is that during the night I had a little moment of self awareness when he pointed out that I was easily distracted when he was talking to me and never finished listening to him, something also my ex fiancé used to complain about.. So I made the effort to listen to him very closely until he had nothing more to say for a while, it really was an effort for me but it was a nice lesson. What I realized in general from this whole intense flirting is how I tend to treat badly the people I love and whose love I'm certain. I teased him all the night, I was funny but not loving. Fortunately it was just a little situation yet I did the same with the one who was once my best friend.. I owe her a lot of my growth and experiences during university yet after graduating, when I moved to Sardinia I didn't make any particular effort to continue nurturing our relationship and it ended up in me forgetting her birthday this year. It's on September the second and I saw it on social media the day after and texted her. I thought I had at least subtly apologized yet a month and a half later I realized I hadn't. She wrote me on my birthday three days ago and I finally womaned up and apologized. I really was shocked from noticing that when I found out that in the message I had wrote her I hadn't even tried to say sorry. --> #lessonlearned number 1025: remember to show love to the people you love, don't take them for granted. There are many other situations but the point is always this sense of expansion. I'm so one with the Universe that I'm continually expanding too!! Here's the One Belief Worksheet about loosing control. One belief worksheet - Loosing control.pdf

Choices Yesterday I had a little moment of doubt about the decision not to engage in casual sex anymore.. And it started a long series of whys.. Why do all that I do? Specifically for casual sex, why not? It can be quite funny and enjoyable.. What is actually right and wrong to do? This morning I reviewed my notes on How to Align Your Actions with Your Goals by Jonathan Foust; Opportunity Overload (How to Evaluate Opportunities and Make Good Choices) by Brendon Buchard and How To Be A Strategic Motherfucker - The 7 Pillars Of Strategic Thinking from Leo. Thankfully I have more clarity now: I do what I do to be the best version of myself. And the woman I want to become is ok with learning new tricks under the bed with someone meaningful also outside the bedroom and not acting on cravings with the first tinder/tinders available (yep, I coined a new meaning for this word: tinder, pl tinders = a person known on Tinder you'll probably see one time or at the most two times in your life. If you're lucky it will be fun but there're so much more fun and enjoyment to experience without him/her/them that you can't even begin to imagine it..). So, in Jonathan Foust's words, I decided to cultivate a greater sense of happiness, instead of acting only to soothe my anxiety (at the moment I'm pretty nervous about some documents I have to produce to validate in Switzerland the two years of Internal Medicine residency I did in Italy.. So instead of studying the dossier a little more I distract myself with everything I can...). And if it takes giving up a few things here and there, so be it. Here's your answer, dear past and future me in doubt: because I want to become the person I know I can be and at the same time obtain the reward of wholesome morality: freedom from remorse, joy, rupture, tranquility, happiness, concentration, vision and knowledge according to reality, turning away and detachment and vision and knowledge regarding deliverance. The most incredible thing is that my last name actually means "salvation". I always though I had to "save" the world yet I'm the one I'm here to save. Thank you Universe for this whole new sense of consciousness!!!

It happened again!! Today I explained to a patient the difference between a normal MRI and an MRI with contrast, with my hands and common words, and he understood!! I simply adore explaining things to patients!!! The first time it happened I was still a student and I found myself explaining to a patient the concept of restrictive cardiomyopathy, always using my hands to create an image.. It's also a sign that I'm learning stuff, great!! About the last post I forgot a little detail about the freedom to choose: mindfulness. Choosing consciously, in every little thing I do. And it's not easy, at all. I'll get there though!!

I had an epiphany So this afternoon I was was all-in in depression mode (things like "everything is fine so why am I so stressed and frightened?", "why can't I be perfect?" and similar) when I suddenly had this epiphany: I can't do everything!! I don't know why but it made me laugh and it was actually a relief as it means that there's no point in trying to be perfect, it's a game I just can't win. After that came this one: "but I can choose what to do". As often, common sense is not common practice. It really felt like a revelation to me: I CAN CHOOSE!! I get to set the priorities and choose what will be done and what will never be done, as simple as that!

Painfully happy Yes, I am!! ? So this week I had a little disagreement with my senior doctor. It felt like a gigantic injustice at the moment and I suffered a lot, it went as far as spending almost 30 minutes crying in the bathroom at work on Thursday. I was crying for the feeling of injustice but also for the fact of not being able to accept the situation as it was. Now I recognize that he was mostly right but Thursday was a really really difficult day to finish. Yet I did finish it and when I woke up on Friday I was ridiculously happy!! I don’t even know how to describe it but I think the whole situation is well explained by Mark Manson in The Art Of Not Giving a F*: “Self-awareness is like an onion. There are multiple layers to it, and the more you peel them back, the more likely you are going to start crying at an inappropriate time.” I definitely need to read that book; I’ve just watched and read some summaries until now. I like that quote because it’s exactly what I realized while getting back home on Thursday: the whole situation attacked my ego so that I could peel yet another layer, the “things should go exactly as I think they should just because I feel it’s right” one… Nope, things are meant to go as they go, the only thing I have power on is how I decide to react/respond to them. Thankfully, on Thursday, even if with some crying breaks, I made it to do everything I had to. A great success indeed, maybe that’s the reason I woke up so happy and energized the next day… Apparently “To be happy we need something to solve.” Another gem from Mark Manson is this one: “The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience”. One would go as far as saying that the key to happiness is putting yourself in negative (or at least challenging) situations by choice. I guess it can also be a good recipe to finding the truth, or in my case at least some truths... It’s also a pretty purifying process. I can now accept things as they are more easily. And it does feel pretty good not having to have the world conform to my ideals for me to be at peace with it. So again, thank you Universe!! And while I’m at it, thank you also for: My Guardian Angel. It’s a worker at the bar at work. He’s very kind, we chatted a bit last Sunday and I told him I grew up from Italy among other things. Then this infamous Thursday, when I went there for a real break, without even saying hello he said the word “Credo”, “I believe”. He doesn’t speak Italian and there was any context at all. I don’t know what he really meant because I didn’t stop to chat but still: in a dark day like that he reminded me to believe… In God maybe, but it really came out of nowhere. Fortunately it resonated anyway and I was able to finish that day without a public breakout while being also productive. I stayed at home today: I risked going to a fair but both of the people I had plans with canceled so I had time to do some chores and listen to audiobooks and videos.. And among those this one: Just wonderful!! I actually had chills during the manifesting process she does at the end.. And I learnt to ask myself the question: “how can I be light?”. It’s a great attitude to have!! Alternatives: I finally did attend to the work party, I left pretty early but still, I went there and had a great time!! While being on call too (no patient died either…). This: Yesterday I walked to one one of the two castles in my town (I can call it home now that I’ve found my new CrossFit box!! ?). It was an amazing experience. I went there with the intention of “cleaning up my mind”. And that’s exactly what happened, I’d say even physically: it was sunny and windy and I physically felt as if the wind was sweeping away all the negative thoughts and feelings that had marked my week. And the sun was warm at just the right temperature to make the whole process feel as good as heaven. I’ve never had a professional massage but that was the sensation, Nature was gently but firmly working on me and I went back home a lot lighter. Thank You!!!

@Natasha Thank you!! Easier said than done but it's actually so..

Note to Self Fear is not the enemy. Waiting to stop feeling afraid is. - Marie Forleo This morning I found myself being sort of anxious because I'm actually getting better and more proficient at work and rather that being happy, satisfied and proud of myself, I actually felt nervous.. Because it never stops, the day will come when I'll feel like an expert but it'll probably be the day before my retreat, if not my last day on earth. The good thing is that I also know there's nothing to be anxious nor fearful about, it's all a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.