Diane

Paradoxes I went on a second incredibly Covid-friendly date with the guy I dated last Sunday and one of the things he said is that it's ok if some questions stay unanswered. It still bothers me though. I've just discovered I am God through Leo's latest video. I didn't experience it, I just came out with the question: if reality is a dream, why do what I do? I've gotten the answer while writing the question, incredible: I've decided to experience this dream I call life to explore myself in a different way. It's as if God (me) in its perfection was a bit bored so it decided to have fun and invented my life as I'm experiencing it right now. And it goes full circle with my passion for personal growth that is nothing more than learning more and more about myself. Fascinating!! All this came from the work I'm doing on (re)defining my life purpose. In the Mentorship program I'm following they call it "mission". When I did the life purpose course I came up with the purpose of becoming a worldclass cardiologist but then it came out it was not exactly that or at least I then chose not to follow that path. It's only now (after an entire weekend working on it) that I've realized I could just take the course again... I still came to something though: I am infinite possibilities and I am a catalyst of healing My core intention in this life is validation, internal and external About my mission: I explain to sick people (mostly with chronic diseases) their medical conditions and the possible solutions. They come to me looking for clarity and understanding. They want to feel listened, seen and cared for. As a result of my work they take ownership of their diseases and actively participate at their healing process. Talking about it with my mother she told me it sounds like the description of a general practitioner. She's 100% right but I have some resistance towards being a general practitioner and thinking about it I realized it's because of the lack of external validation given to general practitioners. Maybe it's my duty to give GP a new recognition... We'll see.. Stay tuned!! __ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __ What bad habit did I curb today? Not prioritizing what really matters, I resisted the temptation to go online-shopping mode. How am I better? I know more about myself. I know I'm here to learn to trust myself and that external validation is important too and it's ok. Were my actions just? Not all of them. I let my poor date suffer a bit.. How can I improve? Planning in detail: doing result lists and scheduling the exact timing for my activities. What is my next step? Going to sleep.

Lesson number 2211 I live in a friendly Universe that wants nothing else than to support me. It's from Mahima Lucille Klinge, my new mindset coach. It's so true it's unbelievable. Since the workshop I went to at the end of October there are so many things that have happened, one would call it a "Quantum Leap".. I'm learning to say no at work and to focus on myself first. Yesterday I signed the contract for my first car ever!! I manifested the money for it even if I had just emptied my bank account signing in for the mentorship program I recently started... I'll be rolling in a wonderful Toyota Urban Cruiser named Sweetie!! On January 18th I'll have an interview for an internship in Internal Medicine at the hospital near the Clinic I'm working at now!! And as icing on the cake today I had a date with a very interesting, nice and caring guy!! It was a kind of date I had never experienced, we did a sort of brunch outdoor, he brought the wine and I brought the food. We talked a lot and it was very enjoyable. He's into Crossfit so it was a pretty recurrent theme but we also talked about other things. Now that I think about it I've actually already have a similar date where there was no hint to anything sex-related. But the last time we didn't say goodbye promising a second date. So we'll see.. #tobecontinued (maybe) About this week What bad habit did I curb this week? Not running!! I went for a run this morning and my brother complimented me on my pace!! How am I better? I listened to the Universe reminding me in various ways the importance of meditation. I'm now committed to do every morning the guided meditations on the mindset training I'm on. Were my actions just? In 95% of cases yes. On Thursday I neglected a bit one of my patients to be on time for a movement therapy session planned for the same evening. In the end it proved useful in a way as while I was transmitting the info to my colleague so that she could do what I wasn't able to do she actually pointed out something I hadn't noticed about the therapeutic options for the patient --> as always, thank you Universe for supporting me and my patients too!! How can I improve? Practicing my morning and evening routines as a religion, the religion of self-love and self-care. What is my next step? Writing an email to the staff of the mindset mentorship I'm in to book a one-on-one call.

Lesson number 1511 What bad habit did I curb today? Dwelling in anxiety. I laughed at anxiety today!! It was incredible: I caught myself feeling anxious and immediately saw there was nothing to worry about!! How am I better? I am focusing more and more on myself; I recognize that I deserve to be my number one priority and it is ok to give to myself first and abundantly. This weekend I danced a bit with the question “who am I?”. My answer right now is that I am a soul living in a body and in a world I’m learning to understand and appreciate more and more. Apparently, a better question to ask is “how would I like to experience my life”. And my answer right now is : joyfully and openly. I want to give myself the best that I can and yes, become a healer, help people understand their problems and find the best solutions. Were my actions just? No one died so I think so.. ? How can I improve? Studying!!! What is my next step? Accepting I need some sleep. Studying paraplegia and preparing for work.

Thank you thank you thank you That’s all I have to say actually. A few days ago I had a video date with a guy and I found out I’m not the only one wondering “why keep fighting?”. Then this morning trying to find a good reason to wake up and start the day I realized a very good reason to “keep fighting” is to reduce the suffering in this world. I also realized that personally I am not suffering right now, which is not the case for so many people. And it goes full circle: last week I heard this great quote from the wonderful Breeny Lee : “Broken people break people; healed people heal people”. By reducing my own suffering (aka working on my limiting beliefs, leaning into the positive, fully loving myself) I can reduce other people’s suffering. It’s not still automatic for me to lean in the positive but I’m more and more able to catch myself when I lean into negative and discouraging thoughts. I’ve noticed it mostly in two aspects of my life: - My job. I am currently working in a ward where the big boss is toxic (manipulator, narcissistic and sadistic to say a few) and my direct supervisor apparently is depressed and tries to take the least decisions and responsibilities possible. The system also is in general not junior doctor-friendly as for the workload we have. So it’s very very easy for me to be sarcastic when I’m not just sad and overwhelmed. From another point of view I have the chance to learn about paraplegia and help my patients with their needs. It’s about not taking things personally, always remembering the phrase I’ve just quoted “Broken people break people; healed people heal people”. And also focusing 100% on what I actually can change (myself and my job place, aka continuing working on myself and finding my next job). - Thinking coming in Switzerland was a mistake. I finally did The Work on that belief (Moving to Switzerland.pdf) and found out it was all about not being able to see the bigger picture. All I can say is that I cannot know if it was a mistake and that the reality is that even if it was very challenging, a lot of good stuff came with this experience too. --> New belief: I can take space and be the greatest version of myself no matter the circumstances. _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ From the Daily Stoic and the mentorship I’ve recently started I’ve found a list of powerful questions to ask while journaling. So here we go.. What bad habit did I curb today? Not exercising in the morning. This morning I danced and did my exercises, and it was amazing!! I need someone to remind me every morning that exercising energizes me. Also, thanks to a friend from the Zumba class I have a new choreography to work on next week!!! How am I better? I’m more conscious of how lucky I am and how beautiful my life is. Were my actions just? It’s difficult to say. This week they mostly were I think. How can I improve? Leaning in the positive as much as possible (#80/20, progress not perfection --> the goal is leaning in the positive 80% of the time). Why am I not getting the results that I want and deserve? I waste time worrying about things I can’t control (people, the future) I don’t fully act on my plans. What is the decision that brought me here? Talking about the physical space I’m in right now, my little studio-apartment, it would be: To have as less complications as possible (buying furniture etc) Not to depend on other people (asking for help to fit the furniture etc) Not to have a car What is my next step? Re-evaluating my finances and looking for a car. Looking for my next job place.

What do I want? This weekend I went to a personal growth workshop and it utterly shook me. I finally realized why I keep changing ideas on what I want to do and even on my life purpose (recently I had rephrased it as "to live a simple life and heal myself through consciousness"; quite far from "the Beyoncé of Medicine", aka "having an extraordinary life and healing others through consciousness"..) : how can you have a vision if you don't even know who you are? So I'm now on a journey to discovering who I am as a soul and who I am in the world, this is what I want. Here are some golden nuggets I took from there: Be divine! We live in a friendly Universe that wants nothing more than to support us. When you feel resistant to do something it's because you need to do it. Peaceful, powerful and joyful in the now. Speak power to the world or keep silent. When you change, everyone who knows you starts to change. You create your life through the choices you make. Be busy with yourself, it's not selfish, it's wise. Clarity is prosperity --> If you don't have the prosperity you want it's because you don't have clarity. Confusion does not create prosperity. To become a winner you need to love winning and to be unapologetic about it. Live each day like a sacred day. Every day needs to be a symphony and I am the director and the orchestra!! You can only love others to the depth that you love yourself. Life is relationships, first with yourself and then with others. Either your mind is controlling you or you are controlling it. You get more of what you focus on!! Breakthrough happen when limiting beliefs and behaviors are challenged. It's easy to love others when you love yourself. It's easy to be compassionate with others when you are compassionate with yourself. When you make a decision you want to be clear and grounded. You need to make the decision first and then the how will show itself. It's not easy but it's worth it. Where there are humans there is going to be ego. On the other side of your excuses is your best life. You are a magician!! Set an intention at the beginning of every day. Inner peace is the result of self love. Inner peace formula: Who am I?; Unconditional love; Keep quiet. Inner peace is independent from outside circumstances but I can choose my outside circumstances. From "why is this happening" to "what can I do about it", "how long do I want to stay in this feeling", "what do I want to feel?" Questions to ask when giving and/or helping: 1. Does it come from a healthy place? 2. Am I giving from my overflow? Carefrontate: have honest, respectful and cleaning conversations. I am a superstar. I am a warrior, unstoppable. Awareness is the first step of transformation so I need to own my s**t. For example: owning the fact that I've put myself in compromised situations because of a lack of self-love. I deserve the very best that life has to offer. I have the right to live my life full out, unapologetically!! Emotions are physical. Now it's time for Blissipline and radical action --> proactive, not reactive. I decided to focus on my money situation right now. This is the song with which the workshop started and ended. Thank you Mahima Mindset for this experience and thank you Universe for bringing it in my life. It won't be easy, especially the "giving from the overflow part" but it's necessary.

Thank you so much @Natasha!!! Lots of love to you too!!

Lost? I've been a bit stressed and anxious last week about the upcoming weekend shift. So much so that I binge watched Pose (an exceptional series anyway!) and had a little labial herpes popping out. What's good is that at least I was able to do something to relieve the pain was feeling, like watching the movie Elf and talking about the whole situation to a friend. The real issue remained unnamed though, I just felt hyper anxious about doing something I've been doing for a year and a half now and generally with good results. It's as if my brain couldn't register the fact that I do have some competences and they're good enough for the job that I'm asked to do and when in doubt I can always call for help or open a book. An endless and more or less cyclical impostor-sindrome basically. Thinking about it now I re-realize that I also know the solution: revising my internal medicine, one chapter at a time. Easy!! Then there was the issue of not knowing exactly what I want to do. In the sense that I still want to become a "healer" and "make people healthier through consciousness" but it's becoming more and more evident that the notion of being a "healer" is pretty difficult to inscribe in a clear career. While talking about it a few days ago a friend of mine asked me if I wouldn't like to become a psychiatrist seen what is my life purpose. Why not? Yet another detour though.. Then I learned that it's pretty common for people not to know exactly what they want to do and to find themselves in jobs they actually don't like once they've known what the job really looks like. For future me, here are the THM from what I read: Job hopping is the sign of someone who is genuinely trying to figure out where they fit You need to try stuff to see what will make you happy. Do that. It's scary, because it's hard to find out that what you thought would make you happy will not make you happy. See Your Career as a Set of Stepping Stones, Not a Linear Path So if you can't figure out the future, what do you do? Don't focus on the future. Focus on what you can do right now that will be good no matter what the future brings. Make stuff. Build stuff. Learn skills. Go on adventures. Make friends. These things will help in any future. Finally the idea behind all of this is that you can't know what you're going to do with your life right now, because you don't know who you're going to be, what you'll be able to do, what you'll be passionate about, who you'll meet, what opportunities will come up, or what the world will be like. But you do know this: if you are prepared, you can do anything you want. Prepare yourself by learning about your mind, becoming trustworthy, building things, overcoming procrastination, getting good at discomfort and uncertainty. For the "becoming a healer" part I revisited Philipp Goddard's site. He says that being a healer cannot be seen as a career, it is "simply" about inspiring or / and training others to use genuine self-actualization. Quoting from him: "If you want really to help other people and yourself, the great thing to do is to run workshops for people to learn real self-healing and self-actualization methods." "The most important thing is to be using your healing abilities to heal yourself first and foremost - through an ongoing genuine self-actualization process. That's also much more healing for other people in the long run rather than your repeatedly 'giving yourself away' to others." "I can't self-empower you; I can only point you to means for self-empowerment." So I'll continue on the path of being a doctor, maybe adding some experience in psychiatry, who knows, and keep focusing on my own self-actualizazion process while being grateful for every time I will have the opportunity to do what I like most in my job: talking to patients and being able to help them understand what they have and what we (the patients himself and me as a doctor) can do about it. As a side note, a few weeks ago I wrote the phrase "do less and go to the essential". It was from a day when I planned so many things to do that I ended up missing a train. All because I reeally needed to find those T-shirts right away even if it was not a real emergency. Right now I would add: do the important things though!! I've noticed that I have the tendency to procrastinate everything I find harduous to do because I'll need to ask for things / favors / papers etc. A friend told me I actually don't bother people doing that and if they're bothered it's totally their problem!! So sweet!! I'll take Mother Blanca, Mother Elektra and Father Pray as my guiding voices too!! Among other quotes to always remember: "We can't afford shame" "It takes work, drive, sacrifice to be a woman" - even if I'd say "to be a Human".. "Pull up, work harder, triumph. If not today, maybe tomorrow!!" Stay strong D!! <3

Progress not perfection Always, always, always!! I'm beginning to integrate the concept that perfection does not exist but it's not always easy. Today I felt once more overwhelmed by all the things I have to do. So I did The Work on the belief "I shouldn't be nervous" (I shouldn't be nervous.pdf). While doing it I realized I could be "perfectly" fine even if I 100% failed at my goals. How liberating!! The only thing that matters is that I do my best. Just remember this, dear me of the future!! With love, D

Here and now Most of my problems, worries and anxieties come from not being in the present moment, thinking how better the past was and/or how frightening the future is. So, I started looking for advice on how to be more in the here and now, mostly thanks to my wonderful therapist, she’s just amazing!!! I learned from Mel Robbins the importance to savor the present, focusing on appreciating something in your physical environment in this moment as soon as you catch yourself not being there. Then I learnt from Ralph Smart never to be so concerned about the past that I miss the beauty of the present. He says, “Make the present more exciting than the past”, #challengaccepted!! He also said: “The problem is you think you have time. You do have time but it's running out.” Absolutely true. As good as those concepts are, as the masculine strength female that I am, listening to them I inevitably started worrying about preparing for the future: if I am in the here and now, how will I ever achieve my goals? Fortunately Marie Forleo came to rescue me and taught me that there is a big difference between planning and worrying and that “Planning consciously for the future is one of the best tools to stay grounded in the present”. Thank you Marie!! On the same page during what I hope was my last week and a half of PMSing (I finally started taking the pill, we will remember August 20th of 2020 as a life changing moment in my life!! ), I learned that I am stronger than I think I am: one morning I had a crying crisis right before a reunion at work but I was able to get myself together in less than 5 minutes and be on time and smiling at the reunion. Then yesterday while chatting with a colleague she made me notice how strong past Diane was. I sometimes do things with the idea that they will make life easier for future me, but I had never stopped to acknowledge the strength, the courage and the love past me had. Yes, she is dead, as everything in the past is but no one, especially me, should forget how brilliant she was. The best Diane ever!! Not to say I cannot improve, but she was the best Diane possible given the circumstances she was in and the tools she had at that moment!! Thank you past me for all you have done for me. Your efforts were not in vain and please do receive all the love that I was not able to give you at that time, you’re a wonderful person. Treat yourself as such because that’s what you’ve always been. As always, thank you Universe for making me realize all this.

Nosce te ipsum He couldn't have said it better. Last night I've bing watched the sitcom Fleabag. It was a friend of mine who told me about the show and I got hooked in at the first 30 seconds of the trailer when she says "You know that thing when a guy sends you a text at two o'clock on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you and you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt the whole bit and wait by the door til the buzzer goes?". So relatable… It's an amazing show for many reasons: it shows the reality of human nature and how we can only accept it and do the best we can to live a good life. The best thing I got from it though was a precise list of relationship goals: Open communication Taking an interest (being interested in the other person's life) Spending time together Affectionate touch Compromising Being vulnerable Physical attraction Having fun together Expressing love and positive emotions Being romantic and intimate Being their emotionale rock Being in love Just perfect. Talking about Human Nature, I'm listening to the book from Robert Greene. There is a mini exercise I wanted to do from it so here we go: How I operate under stress: In very urgent situations I get laser focused and do what needs to be done that is in my capacitiy to do. In less urgent situations I tend to procrastinate and over analyse. My emotional triggers Injustice, being undervalued, being or feeling attacked. The goal is to be aware of that and when I find myself in emotionally triggering situations to cool emotions down and increase my reaction time. I tried it out this week at work. It works wonders!! Thanks to the book I'm also learning to pay more attention at the real nature of people around me, mostly when they are emotionally charged: it's incredibly fascinating!!! The good thing in that is that I also know it is my responsibility to accept people as facts, I cannot change them and shouldn't wish they were different: I can only decide how to act in response to what I notice. _._._._ During the last few weeks I thought a lot about what I ultimately want and my answers are clearer and clearer. Today I know I want to: Communicate with people in a more profound and authentic way Embody the quintessence of the social animal Have a life partner who is a doctor too Stay in Switzerland. Concerning my life purpose it is always "to do plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness", aka, being a Healer. A few days ago I learned that one can also heal at a distance, isn't it amazing?!? So from now on here is my spark joy question at work: will this help me become a healer? As always, thank you Universe for taking such a good care of me. It's an intriguing kind of journey being alive as the person I am. Among other things thankfully I am learning to be a true friend to my feelings, accepting them as they are and trying try to understand what they want to communicate.

@Natasha Soo sweet, thank to you too!!

Courage Courage is not the absence of fear yet feeling fear and doing the right thing anyway. I met a sort of seer and she says I was born to heal people, she sees me in my private office healing people. Saying I'm terrified at the idea is euphemistic yet I see how it's totally possible. So now the question is "if I weren't afraid what would I do next"? I would work my a** off to become a healer and realize this vision.

Living authentically I'm beginning to realize the importance of being authentic and living my own truth. I'm now conscious that one of the reasons it is difficult for me to say no and have healthy boundaries in my life is because I was sexually abused as a child and sex abuse is a violation of boundaries I didn't even know were there. So here starts a new phase of self-discovery: discovering it's ok to have boundaries, to say no, that my emotions are worthy of being considered and valued. I am on a journey of discovering that I am a separate unit and it is totally fine to me whatever I am, even if it means not uplifting to the perfect person I would like to be. I matter as I am. It's a great discovery yet also very saddening for all the time I've spent beating myself up for not being this or that and all the times I've done things I didn't want to do just because I didn't trust enough my own feelings. I'm really sorry for that, dear me of the past. At present I am more careful with my decisions. I try to prioritize my on well being on everything and to find a way to have more balance in my life. For example last week I read Teal's Swan article on How To Get Over Your Fear Of Conflict (an issue that came up in my session with my therapist that week). Normally I would have totally immersed in the subject, watched all the videos she quoted and done all of the exercises in one go, wich would have taken me the whole weekend, day and night. Yet I also did other things and came again to it this morning. I decided to answer some of the questions she suggests there and in the article "Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)" today. Here we go.. SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES It’s hard for people to set boundaries because: we put others’ needs and feelings first; we don’t know ourselves; we don’t feel as if we have rights; we believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; we never learned to have healthy boundaries. If I am truly accepting of and honest about who I really am and what I really want and feel, I am embracing the unique expression of source that I am rather than seeing myself as separate from others or from source. And so, personal boundaries are not a contradiction to spirituality. We are simply using a word “boundary” which we associate with resistance. In one sense, to have boundaries, you have to differentiate between yourself and the rest of the world. You have to define your individual feelings. But this is already done for you because of the fact that you have come into a physical human brain and body. It was always the plan for you to experience a separate self because this perspective serves the expansion of the universe’s own journey to self-awareness. So we all already do experience a self and that which is other. This perspective creates a good deal of unhappiness until we allow ourselves to go in the direction of individual happiness, which ultimately leads to our discovery that we are all one and that whatever serves our individual happiness, serves all else that is. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling what other people do. They are entirely about you personally defining and then following your individual sense of happiness and desires and personal truth. It is a state of self-awareness, integrity and self-love. If we want to live happy lives and make the right choices for ourselves personally, we need to know how we feel, admit to how we feel and express how we feel. Developing boundaries is a crucial part of finding our true selves. It is therefore a crucial part of spiritual practice and life success. We do not need to resist others to do it. Instead, we need to fully allow ourselves to express the truth of ourselves at all times. Questions: Do I know what I really want? I know that my life purpose is "to do plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier trough consciousness". So actually yes, I know what I want. Do I let other people tell me what to think or believe and how to feel? Not any more or at least not at the same level as before. I still have moments of indecision yet I can see more quickly now that I have the power to decide for myself and for my life. Do I do things I don’t really want to do and say yes when I really want to say no or say no when I really want to say yes? Yes, I'm making progress there too tough. Am I afraid to let people know how I really feel? YES!! It's one of my biggest fears, sometimes even if a part of me would like to say it I find I don't even have the words to express it. Am I afraid of people thinking negatively of me? Yes, but less that before. Exercise: List ten things you’d like other people to stop doing around you or to you or saying to you. Not respecting me and not recognizing that I am a doctor Asking me to do more than I can, mostly of it's not even expected that I am the one doing that. Not asking for permission before interrupting me. Giving un-requested advice The more I think about it the more I see it's mostly about things I do and say to myself. So let's re-phrase it: ten things I’d like myself to stop doing or saying to myself: I don't know anything. I'm an impostor and I can't wait for the day They find out. My emotions are to be ignored, I just have to do what has to be done no matter how I feel. I should already know everything. I can't say that I don't know, I always have to have THE answer, even if I utterely don't know what I'm talking about. There are no words to describe my feelings so it's useless to try to explore them. Life has to be perfect all the time. Not recognizing how amazing I actually am --> beating myself up for not being perfect. Little intermittent epiphany: surrender as recognizing that things are as they are and doing my best with what I have. If it's not enough being able to recognize that I've done my best therefore I have nothing to blame myself for. Also, it's ok to ask when I don't know, I'm not God, I'm not supposed to know everything!! List the people in your life one by one and write down how you feel around them. V: curious, loving, compassionate, sometimes irritated but I rapidely return to compassionate mode as I recognize how the flaws I see in her are even bigger in my own life. W: mistrustful, I don't trust him at 100% so I wasn't able to be totally authentic with him and ask him some difficult questions. Mum: compassionate, unarmed (in the sense that I can't protect her), loving and loved. Sometimes not really seen tough, she has a wonderful image of me that I don't think totally corresponds to reality. Dad: wrong, not validated as I am. E: listened to and validated even if sometimes he just doesn't have the time. LM: hateful, bitter, unforgiving. Relative to every item on the list, ask yourself “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” Not respecting me and not recognizing that I am a doctor “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I don't show enough authoritativeness. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel diminished. I want to be valued for my professionalism and my competences. Asking me to do more than I can, mostly of it's not even expected that I am the one doing that. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I don't speak up to demand to have enough time to carry out my own job. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel unrecognized and overlooked. I want to have enough time to carry out my tasks. Not asking for permission before interrupting me. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” Not telling them it's not ok to interrupt without asking. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel mistreated and not respected. I want to have some blocked time and only be interrupted for urgent matters. Receiving un-requested advice “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” Not saying that I'd do differently. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” Not validated. I want to only receive advice from people I ask to. I don't know anything. I'm an impostor and I can't wait for the day They find out. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I don't recognize how hard I worked to arrive where I'm at and that I'm not expected to know everything. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” Undervalued. I want myself t recognize my value and the contribution I give to people around me as a doctor. My emotions are to be ignored, I just have to do what has to be done no matter how I feel. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I don't say no and do not recognize how much I already do. I do not recognize that I have limited energy and can only do so much. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel. I want myself to recognize my feelings and see what they want to tell / teach me. I should already know everything. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I'm not asked to, I've been even told that. It's an unattainable goal. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” When I think this thought I feel worthless and helpless. I want to feel acknowledged and reassured that I know many things and for the things I don't I can ask or do research. I can't say that I don't know, I always have to have THE answer, even if I utterly don't know what I'm talking about. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I pretend to be someone I'm not, I'm not authentic. I lie. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” It makes me feel not accepted as I am. I want to feel safe and to be reassured that I can always ask if I don't know something. There are no words to describe my feelings so it's useless to try to explore them. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I don't recognize that my feelings have meaning and value in themselves. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel not cared for and overlooked. I want to be able to name my feelings and to listen to them. Life has to be perfect all the time. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” It is an unattainable goal!! I set myself up to disappointment!! “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel diminished and depressed every time things are not going perfectly. I want to remember that things will not always be perfect yet I have all the resources I need to face any situation life throws to me. Not recognizing how amazing I actually am --> beating myself up for not being perfect. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I set myself up to disappointment as I'm not supposed to be perfect at any time. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel unworthy of being treated well and with respect. I want to recognize that I am worthy of being treated well and of respect just as I am. V: curious, loving, compassionate, sometimes irritated but I rapidly return to compassionate mode as I recognize how the flaws I see in her are even bigger in my own life. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I'm not. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I want more of the kind of relationship I have with her, mutual love, acceptance and understanding. W: mistrustful, I don't trust him at 100% so I wasn't able to be totally authentic with him and ask him some difficult questions. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I censor myself. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel sorry for not having a 100% authentic relationship and as lowering my standards to be with him. I want to be with people I can be 100% authentic with (AKA I want to be 100% authentic with people) and I want to be with people who meet my standards. Mum: compassionate, unarmed (in the sense that I can't protect her), loving and loved. Sometimes not really seen tough, she has a wonderful image of me that I don't think totally corresponds to reality. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” Not telling her how her advice does not apply to my own reality. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I'm sorry for her. I want to be helpful. Yet in this specific case she says she doesn't need help. Dad: wrong, not validated as I am. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I don't see how other people's opinions of me don't have anything to do with who I am and who I can be, they're a mere reflection of that person's insecurities end difficulties in life. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” Irritated, triggered, angry, sad, enraged. I want myself to remember that I can be me no matter other people's opinions. E: listened to and validated even if sometimes he just doesn't have the time. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I try to make his work easier by doing things I'm not sure of or that I know nothing about. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel abandoned. I want myself to remember that I have the right to ask when I don't know and the agreement of not making assumptions. LM: hateful, bitter, unforgiving. “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” I don't argue directly with her. “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” I feel treated unfairly. I want to be able to confront her in a polite and fair-minded way. I want to be her Shiva. Once you discover that a boundary violation has occurred, it is then crucial to make some changes based on how you really feel. Decide on specific action you can take. Self-expression is paramount in this circumstance. Boundary / what I want --> Action plan I want to be able to confront her in a polite and fair-minded way. I want to be her Shiva. --> Being compassionate towards her I want myself to remember that I have the right to ask when I don't know and the agreement of not making assumptions. --> Having the courage to ask when I dont know and not making assumptions. I want myself to remember that I can be me no matter other people's opinions. --> Listen to this song: I want to be helpful. Yet in this specific case she says she doesn't need help. --> Loving and accepting her as she is. I want to be with people I can be 100% authentic with (AKA I want to be 100% authentic with people) and I want to be with people who meet my standards. --> Being 100% authentic, even when it hurts. I want more of the kind of relationship I have with her, mutual love, acceptance and understanding. --> Loving, accepting and understanding myself as I am. I want to recognize that I am worthy of being treated well and of respect just as I am. --> Treating myself well and loving myself as I am. I want to remember that things will not always be perfect yet I have all the resources I need to face any situation life throws to me. --> Having core confidence. I want to be able to name my feelings and to listen to them. --> Taking the time to feel my feelings and listen to them. I want to feel safe and to be reassured that I can always ask if I don't know something. --> Again, having the courage to ask when I don't know. I want to feel acknowledged and reassured that I know many things and for the things I don't I can ask or do research. --> Looking more often at my cookie jar and (yet again) having the courage to ask when I don't know. I want myself to recognize my feelings and see what they want to tell / teach me. --> Again, taking the time to feel my feelings and listen to them. I want myself to recognize my value and the contribution I give to people around me as a doctor. --> Having the courage to say what I know. I want to only receive advice from people I ask to. --> Saying "no thanks" when it's the case. I want to have some blocked time and only be interrupted for urgent matters. --> Looking at emails once per hour at max. I want to have enough time to carry out my tasks. --> Prioritizing the tasks I know are most important for my employer when I'm at work. I want to be valued for my professionalism and my competences. --> Studying more. There are some recurrent themes.. Affirming what I know and allowing myself to ask when I don't know. Allowing myself to feel and listening to what my feelings want to tell me. Being valued as a Professionist. Being courageous. Someone would sum that up as "embracing the Kali in me". I actually did an exercise called "dialoguing with Kali". It was very very interesting as they asked to answer writing with the left hand. Here's the result. It really looks like written by child, my sweet inner child. So: Kali wants to tell me that she is with me. I am: joy, light, beauty, love, desire and desired. I am the answer to your prayers. I am though, I am strong. I am sexy. I am vulnerable. I am able and capable. Am intelligent. I am worthy of respect. I am honorable (=possessing or characterized by high principles). I am respectful. I am wise. I want to express love, compassion, understanding, courage, joy, happiness, trust, confidence, strengt. Here's what else I found out about Kali: Kali is a goddess of dying however she actually kills the ego as the illusory self-centered view of reality. Shiva and Kali supply liberation with the aid of getting rid of the illusion of the ego. --> Kali is the goddess of enlightenment or liberation. So yeah, the severed heads are not the ones of my outwards enemies yet those of the enemies I keep inside myself that are preventing me from seeing clearly and living fully. Talking about seeing clearly, yesterday I met a healer. She's naturally that, she didn't study nor decided to become one. She said I am grounded in hearth, very open and that I already have healing abilities too. And here as healing I'm referring to seeing things that can help people expand their consciousness, being a sort of catalyst for the evolution of other people. It was an incredible experience: she didn't even touch me and she poignantly asked "how is it with your mum?" I don't know what she saw/felt exactly but she then told me I don't have to worry for my mum, she is in charge of her own life and I have the right to live my life and be happy. As always, thank you Universe for giving me the chance to continue expanding my consciousness.

I am… a lot!! It was a pretty intense week at work as I had almost the double of the normal workload since my colleague wasn't there. At a certain point I had so many thing to manage at the same time that I viewed myself as a God with multiple arms, juggling things from one hand to another. I matched this image with the name "Shiva" yet I had no idea who Shiva really was. At the same time this week I received too many compliments not to start to believe in them: I was called "a warrior, great/incredible ("trop forte" in French), exemplary". Little by little a sensation of "it might as well be true" grew into me, up to the unprecedented sensation of actually being a goddess, a warrior and a leader. A bit pretentious and blasphemous but the shoe fits too well, really!! Yesterday I researched a bit about Shiva and discovered her wife Kali. It went as far as creating a PDF, totally not exhaustive and full of mistakes but pretty significative for me. As my only sources are just Wikipedia, Youtube and this article, I called the document Dreams about Shiva and Kali.pdf, the idea being that in the end life in general is nothing but a dream, I might as well interpret it and give it the meaning I prefer. While doing the research I found the answer to an exercise in Elena Cardone's book "Empire" I hadn't done as I really didn't know how to previously. In the exercise she asks to describe my role in my royal couple. I now know that my role is that of Kali. I definitely see her madness in myself and I love how serene Shiva stays in spite of this. I've always been astonished by men who kept all their calm in front of what I perceived to be madness (or just excess of enthusiasm) from my part. It may be patriarcal but I love this image of Shiva "taming" Kali with his calmness. So that would be the role of my partner actually. Coming back to my role: as Kali finally I am equilibrium of the opposites. I see things as they are and fiercely respond to them for the good of my husband and my children (aka my devotees?) even if sometimes those actions may seem cruel. How cool is that?! While I was there, I also watched some videos about Hinduism in general. Here's what I found out: Ultimately it's all about the evergreen hero's journey: "You only live an infinite number of times until you eventually discover a release from the cycle of death and rebirth by making good and honest life choices". Amazing!! To complete the circle I also found out that The Rolling Stones' logo is based on the out stuck tongue of Kali. I really feel the image of the tongue being at the same time a symbol of "power and shame". I definitely feel and have felt both for similar reasons as Kali. #whorunstheworld? Kali!! Or Diane, but she has so many names you know…

Emotions emotions emotions I opened a Pandora vase without knowing it. Actually, I did know it, what I didn't know was how deep it was. At a certain point I decided I wanted to have a more profound relationship with my mother and I saw how opening myself up to her would have meant giving her the chance to open herself to me as well. Well I now know more about all of her sufferings and it's so heavy. Emotions everywhere. In "The Body keeps the score" Bessel Van Der Kolk says that people victim of child abuse can become overly sensible or have an almost non-existing sensibility. I remember I almost envied people suffering for the loss of a loved one as I I didn't think I could feel something like that for someone. Now I feel, it all started with the guy I dated a while ago. I woke up in the morning with a sensation in the eyes as if I had cried all night even if it wasn't the case. Now I'm more or less over him yet I still have that sensation for other reasons. From another point of view these emotions are actually helping me find what I really want and prioritizing. I shall use them as a guiding tool.

Fail-recommit Thank God I'm allowed to fail. Because did fail this week, I started working in a new ward, in Neurology and I wasn't prepared. And all of my ignorance was elegantly displayed.. On top of that I was a bit flaky at times and inadvertently broke some rules. Ah, and I was once late for an appointment and did not communicate very well. It all merged into the phrase "I am always late, on everything". So I did The Work on it. I see how it is false, I am not always late on things. It's just the bad spiral of anxiety: I am anxious so I procrastinate and become even more anxious.. At the same time, this week I finished the book "When the body says no" by Gabor Maté. One pf the most important teachings I took from it were The 7 A of healing: Acceptance (of the situation as it is) Awareness (being able to perceive your emotional reality) Anger (expressing it in a healthy and empowering way, different from repression or bursts of rage) Autonomy (the development of appropriate boundaries and the sense and feeling that we are in charge of our lives) Attachment (Being connected to others and having meaningful relationships) Assertion (Fostering the ability to express our authentic self. It is simply a state of being our self. We do not need to justify our existence or worth. We are worthy) Affirmation (two types of value affirmation: our creative self and or connection to the Universe, to something greater. “we are a part of the universe with temporary consciousness, but never apart from it.”) I shall start from number one. We do not need to justify our existence or worth. We are worthy.

Mariekondoing emotions Dear future me, As Marie Forleo says everything is figureoutable so here is a guideline on how to organize emotions: https://www.forbes.com/sites/briannawiest/2018/05/14/if-you-want-to-master-your-life-learn-to-organize-your-feelings/#697ed846cb0f "If you let feelings control your actions, you will never progress in life. Life is a game of identifying what is worth suffering for. People who thrive in life are not controlled by their feelings, but nor do they suppress or ignore them. Our emotions are a signaling system designed to communicate to us what we really need and want. We are no better for not being able to listen to them, but at the same time, we'll be just as stuck if we let them control everything without analysis or intervention." Brianna Wiest And yes, I also got you covered with a clear vision for this decade: My vision for this decade.pdf

Identifying my needs I found I actually don't really know what are my needs. I'm very good at recognizing and striving to meet other people's needs but I'm almost clueless about my own needs. The first article that came out googling "emotional needs" was this one: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/9-emotional-needs-according-to-maslow-s-hierarchy. I learned that : "Emotional needs are feelings or conditions we need to feel happy, fulfilled, or at peace. Without them, we may feel frustrated, hurt, or dissatisfied. As humans, we seek emotional nourishment as much as food and water. It is your birthright to be emotionally nourished. Everyone has their own unique set of emotional needs, which might be the product of your upbringing, your genetic predisposition, your identity, and other individual factors. But for the most basic human emotional needs, many people refer to Maslow's hierarchy of needs." I had totally misunderstood Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I didn't register te concept of "need". The problem is that I've never really looked at myself as an independent unit. I almost always did what was expected from me or what I thought was expected from me. Thank God I do like most of the things I have now, I love being a doctor and like the path I'm on.. So I did a little emotional needs audit and here's what came out: Needs I feel are met: security, volition (with a caveat to being mindful of what it its that I really want), attention from others, emotional connection, privacy, meaning. Needs I feel are not met: attention from myself to myself (self-love?); sense of self (sense of my value within the group dynamics I'm part of); feeling valued. How can I fulfill those needs? Attention from myself to myself (self-love?): blocking out 30 minutes per day to review the day in light of my purpose; scheduling my days. Sense of self (sense of my value within the group dynamics I'm part of): idk. In the article they suggest thins like: gain a special position in the organization you belong to? Can you be the go-to guy for specific information or specialize in an area of your profession? Perhaps you can be the captain of a quiz or sports team. Feeling valued: idk either for the moment. Needs and values are very related, depending on the context there are different definition. Repetita always iuvant so here are my top 11 values: BALANCE; Personal growth; Passion; Professionalism; Honesty; Optimism; Learning; Friendship; Contribution; Travel; Beauty. Teal Swan suggested to surround myself with people whose needs are met by meeting my needs ( and I'd add, being in integrity with my values) -> What needs do I like to meet in other people? I love explaining things so I'd say a need for knowledge or even better, clarity. I think I'll review the 6 pillars of self esteem. That's all for now, as clear as fog but at least I'm starting to open my eyes..

Lenses Yesterday I inquired a bit about the resentment I felt towards my supervisor and the hierarchy at work.. It took a bit but it was a very very interesting journey also into all the shadowy parts of myself. I ain't no saint, AT ALL!! There's so much darkness into this little body of mine... It's ll about the lenses we decide to wear (more or less consciously). My wish now is: To be able to see things as clearly as possible; To see that whatever upsets me it is just an invitation to become aware of something I wasn't aware of; To see that anger and frustration are just signs of an unmet need and I just need to find ways to meet that need, or at least to recognize it is there. Thank you Universe, thank you Teal Swan, thank you little crazy me for attracting all this lessons!!

Peace? My mind is wondering all over the place right now. I made a list and yesterday I learned somethings about Mandala. So I'll print a Mandala and paint a section at the beginning of every point. We'll se what comes out.. Orange Clinic This week I realized how the Clinic I work at is totally Orange on the Spiral Dynamics model and how totally being in Orange myself I couldn't but end up working in an environment like that. It was a good reminder of the Path I'm on. I had already listened to the videos on Orange and Green and took notes on how to transcend Orange but I guess I'll need to listen to them again, mostly as the last thing I noted was that "to transcend orange you have to go through all of it." Idk if I already did. What is sure is that I'm totally starting to notice its side effects.. Burnout touches people who are intelligent, competitive and engaged I was listening to a book on burnout and that's what they said.. I wouldn't label myself as having been 100% in a burnout phase yet it was very awakening learning that it can take up to a year to recover from a burnout and the first thing to do is to focus on sleep. And then all the other basics of a healthy lifestyle.. Sustainability Right on the topic of going from Orange to Green. I am conscious that the lifestyle I've been having in the last months isn't sustainable and won't neither get me to where and what I want to be. That means re-calibrating. A lifestyle cleanse that is. It makes me very uncomfortable and maybe it's a good sign: some parts of me I don't need any more are fighting to stay. So.. Dear perfectionist and I-can-do-it-all Me, thank you for helping me get where I am now. I see now that I am limited, wich may be a bad thing from your point of view yet it is also what helps me connect with others to a more profound level. It helps me understand, accept and love myself too. We are one so we won't really separate, I'm just expanding my point of view. I love you D In practical terms it means starting to have fixed hours to go to bed and to wake up. As I'm on holiday right now, it could be bed time at 11pm and waking up time at 6am. Ok. Authenticity and self-confidence In one of our sessions my therapist noted I have some difficulties with self confidence and self esteem. The three are tightly interconnected. Self-confidence = a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement. Self-esteem = confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect. Authenticity = the quality of being real or true "Authenticity requires vulnerability, transparency and integrity." Janet Louise Stephenson I was listening to a book this morning and they talked exactly about that, how there cannot be authenticity without self-esteem, self confidence AND accepting to be vulnerable. A few days ago my supervisor asked me if I was ok, if I was tired or so but on the spot I didn't have the courage to tell her how tired I was in fear of bursting into tears if I only started talking about that. Then I realized admitting it and putting down the perfection and I-can-do-it-all mask was the only sustainable solution and I told her (in an email). I've spent too much energies pretending to myself and others. I am good enough as I am, that's a fact. I have all that I need to do well at work and there's no shame in showing my vulnerability, that's just part of being human. Assuming my vulnerability As Brené Brown beautifully says: "What makes me vulnerable makes me beautiful." A quote to remember.. Imperfection is beauty. Or better: perfection is the best I can do. I think I've already wrote it but as always repetita iuvant.. Perfection is what I do when I do my best! What are my needs? What are the other's need? This question came from a book on communication and relationships I listened to, the idea being that to have productive communication I need to be clear on what are my needs and what are other people's needs. About my needs: in general it's to be aligned with my life purpose ("to do plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness"). Right now the need I see not being satisfied is having the time and energies to study. Talking about it, my therapist proposed me to start by having the goal of studying on weekends so I'll start there. Hopefully this week I'll be able to do a little more as I'm on holiday. About other people's needs (in this case my Clinic's needs): first that administrative work is well done and done on time. It's something I realized just recently: I'm mostly praised for the bureaucratic work than for the medical work per se. Of course they're strictly interconnected, if I wasn't good as a doctor I couldn't do well the bureaucratic work but still, it was an eye-opening realization for me.. So now I structure my work a little differently so that this need can be met as best as I can. Anger in the sign of an unsatisfied need And the solution is not necessarily to satisfy it right away yet just recognizing its existence and seeing if it can or cannot be satisfied. The Wounded Healer : Dr Gabor Maté; Jonathan Foust I can be healer while still healing. Good to know!! From a "non dual" point of view by working on my own healing I am already healing the Universe.. Not bad!! My values Know thyself they said.. So, dear Self, here are my 11 most important values: BALANCE, Personal growth, Passion, Professionalism, Honesty, Optimism, Learning, Friendship, Contribution, Travel, Beauty. How can I embody them more? I'll let consciousness do its magic.. My strengths Another book I was listening to reminded me the importance of recognizing and focusing mere on my strengths than on my weaknesses. So here are my top 5 strengths: Love of learning Gratitude Spirituality, sense of purpose and faith Diligence, industry and perseverance Hope, optimism and future-mindedness This is who I am. Impressive!! Can't relax In all my orangeness I realized I don't have the concept of "relaxing" in my universe.. I may allow myself to do things with calm, take some rest but I don't have things I do to "relax". Good? Bad? Idk.. I just feel like needing to be productive all the time, there's no such thing as doing something just to do it.. Apart from dancing.. And Zumba!! There are plenty of benefits from doing both of them yet I like them too much for there to be a second purpose in doing them. I really need to implement them more in my ife!! They'll be my relaxing activity!! There's also cooking btw.. Doesn't need to be symmetrical This is the lesson I learned painting my pseudo-Mandala.. I started painting it symmetrically then suddenly realized I don't have to, there isn't even a model AND there are good chances it will come out even more beautiful by being asymmetrical than symmetrical.. Here's how it looks like right now:

I already have the answers!! Recently I started wondering about things like "who am I?", "what do I really want, what is my role in the world?". Then I realized I actually already have the answers in the form of my mission statement and my vision board. I felt lost because I was moving away from my very own Path. So I reconnected with it and it manifested itself like this: My life purpose is "to do plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness" and here I summarized it as "to live an an amazing life and heal through consciousness". The next question was : what does "healing" mean? To heal means "to restore or be restored to health". And health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being. Thank you Universe for giving me this clarity.

I am an artist My life is my art and every tiny decision I make is a brushstroke on the canvas I was given. Actually, it's more of a sculpture that I'm creating, I add and subtract material as needed and color it with the most vibrant colors at my disposal. Subtracting is painful at times but oh gosh how wonderful is my creation after eliminating all those trivialities!! What does becoming a healer means then? Creating the most beautiful creation I am capable of and at the same time adding color to the creations of others, even if it's only with a smile.

I wrote a prayer I suffered a lot this week, 100% of the time unnecessarily but this beautiful prayer came out of my tears: Dear God, Thank you for creating me and preserving my life and my health until this day. I surrender to your will, I know there is a purpose in what happens and that I am on a path of purification to become the One I was meant to be. D Acceptance is definitely the word of the year. Here's the things I need to accept and peacefully surrender to: • Myself as I am. I am a human being and as such I have some limits. The only thing that I can do is the best that I can and that will always be enough. • Being perfectly imperfect and being seen as such. Accepting myself as I am also means giving up the mask of perfection and accepting being vulnerable around others. • I need to rest, sleeping time is not wasted time. Again, even machines need time to recharge!! So instead of fooling myself with the idea of taking "night naps" it's totally fine to decide at a certain point that the day is over and I can go to sleep. • Life is not supposed to always be easy and I am not supposed to be happy all the time. Life is also made of challenges to overcome. What I can be all the time is calm and accepting of the present moment as it is. And accepting reality does not mean I passively surrender to it. If something bad happens I recognize it and take action to change it if it's possible. Yes, thank you Universe for all this. Little reminder of the 5 agreements: 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don't take anything personally. 3. Don't make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. 5. Be skeptical, but learn to listen. Thank you, Don Miguel Ruiz.

Thank you Universe for making me stop I've just realized that most of the times the moments of sadness happen in times when I'm not focused on the right thing so the Universe in her magnanimity forces me to stop and reconsider things. Last week was very charged at work, I was coming from a week of vacations and had the double of the normal work as I was also replacing my colleague who had some vacations too. Instead of becoming sad and overwhelmed this time I became very angry and at the moment it was very energizing. I talked it over with my therapist all happy and proud of what I perceived as a great progress and she was more like "uhm, ehm yeah, not bad but..." She reminded me of how it's not productive on the long run being motivated by anger.. I researched a bit about anger and the answer as always was unconditional love. I once more registered it on a superficial level and this afternoon the reminder came in the form of being utterly destroyed by a comment from my supervisor. Talking about a document I was late on she was surprised and said "do you have too much to do?". It's the feeling of injustice that hurts most. I texted a friend and we suffered a bit together as she was having a bad day too.. Then I put on some youtube videos and re-learned the lesson of unconditional love. It applies to everything: myself and my imperfection, a difficult patient and my supervisor too (she actually completed a document I was REALLY late on and I'm grateful for that). The last video I watched was a speech from Don Miguel Ruiz titled "Change your Reality". I was deeply attracted by the title because I know we attract our reality but at the moment I had some difficulty imagining how and why would I have attracted such a difficult situation and then how to change it. Here's what I learned from him: The truth is that I have no idea of what I am. But I am. And I can be whomever I want. A beautiful thing I then realized is that despite the difficult moments I am actually attracting and creating the life I want. I realized ex post that the outfit I chose today was very close to the ethnic chic style I want to have and was very in line with how I imagine the Beyonce of Medicine looks like. Then there is an assignment to present an article of our choice at the journal club we weekly have. It will be hard yet it's totally in line with the purpose of "doing plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness". So far so good then!!

Culture and parenting I'm tending more and more toward the side of wanting to have kids one day yet I'm immensely grateful for not having any right now and for the fact that I haven't had any before learning what I learnt in the last few days.. The first lesson came from Jada Pinkett Smith talking about how she raised her children and the relationship she established with them. She never treated them like "children", she treated them like any other human being. She and Will Smith let them follow their hearths. She beautifully said she gave birth to them but is conscious they're not hers. On the same line my missed mother in law, whom I've decided to consider an aunt from now on, repeatedly told the phrase "a failure at school is not a failure at life". She came to visit me yesterday and stayed the whole day. We talked about many many things. The quote about school came out while talking about my brother who did not finish university, wich remains a big shame for my parents. So "a failure at school is not a failure at life" is something he was never told, at least not in family and it must have been very hard for him, also being confronted with the outward success I was getting. She also told me about how she raised her children (4 amazing adults now): she openly spoke to her daughter about sex and told them to ask her everything they wanted to know so that she could answer as long as she's alive and still in all her mental capacity. She told them (and me) about her sexual education: she grew up in a region of Burundi very strict about virginity until marriage and she lived by that rule. Not at the letter but as a guiding and foundational principle. She made sign the guy she had sex for the first time with a sort of document stating he was the guy who took her virginity away and was committed to marring her later. Also, after graduation, when she started working and was physically free from the watch and constraints of family, she decided to take 5 years of celibacy: even if she was beautiful and brilliant and had many suitors she stayed to her decision and it was for the best. She told me that in the culture of Burundi normally, before marriage a girl stays one month with a paternal aunt who takes the time to teach her everything about her future life as a woman and as a wife, in very specific details (for example in the region she grew up in, girls wear pearl waist belts, when they're still kids they're told it's for measuring their waist as they grow up but it's actually to entice the man's desire as he touches them..). From what she told me all this is something I would have probably missed also if I stayed in Burundi, some parents just think that children who grow up in modern society (as for example in a big city in Burundi rather than in a village, which would have been the case for me if I stayed n Burundi) don't need/want to have this knowledge. Besides that, immigrating is a big emotional trauma for them and talking about the traditions of their birthplace can be felt as re-opening the wound. So I totally understand my parents for not having done that. Thankfully they're still there and I can ask them. Another thing my new aunt taught me is the fact that one is a parent for life, it's not that just because your child is 18, 21, away from home, married, with her/his own children or so on that you stop having to parent him/her.. I'm so grateful for all that!! About my sexual healing journey So so so... Last week, exactly on Valentine's day my therapist on BetterHelp taught me what healthy sex is. In the previous session she had asked me what were my objectives for the process I had started with her and regarding dealing with my child abuse I told her I wanted to know what healthy sex is as I was beginning to see how actually distorted my vision had been till then. As it is often the case, it was something pretty obvious but I definitely needed to hear it.. So I now know that health sex is: Consensual. Totally, not only at the surface --> it's not consensual if I say yes while actually not really wanting it. In other words I can say no, it's totally fine: the other person won't die because of it and he is capable of providing for his sexual needs even without me. Respectful. I am 100% in charge all the time, I can say no at any time: saying yes does not mean I'm ok with everything the other person wants to do. Safe. One time I did slip into the unsafe side of sex, it definitely was one of the lowest moments of my life. The interesting thing is that he wasn't able to penetrate me: even if I wasn't able to protect myself my body did it for me as he could (cf vaginismus, I never had any another episodes apart from a yeast infection I had once...) Fortunately I didn't get any std (the yeast infection was years later). It was interesting how my therapist told me "yeah, on this point you know much better that me". Yes, as often knowing something doesn't necessarily means you actually do it.. In the right context. She told about how jumping form one bed to another is not healthy, as seeing someone who is in some way involved with another person at the same time. She also said that relationships with a big age gap are not healthy as well as there is frequently something else you're looking for in that person (mother/father figure, financial gain..). Very very eye-opening!! In the book "The Sexual Healing Journey", Wendy Maltz stresses a lot about the importance pf building a friendship first before moving on to sex.. Here's an excerpt: You need to know people as friends before even considering sex with them. In healthy non abusive sex, intimate relationships are ALWAYS based on friendship. In friendship, the focus of the relationship is on such things as common interests and a sense of trust. You get to know someone for who they are and you let them know you for yourself. In friendship you learn to be vulnerable and share your feelings candidly, without the added pressure of worrying about whether you will be seen as attractive, feminine or manly. Little game to escape from sexual stereotypes: when you meet someone pretend they're not the sexiest man on earth but a 60 year old woman.. = Relate at people as humans instead of objects or stereotypes. Having friendships first helps us create relationships that are based on respect and equality. Other step: nonsexual courtship. Dating without even considering sex (several months!!!) The healing vacation ends when you feel ready to explore sex as an expression of self caring and nurturing or intimate sharing with your partner. You will need to go slowly and take gradual steps toward sexual intimacy. Thank you BetterHelp, thank you W, thank you Wendy Maltz and thank you Universe!!! The super good news is that I'm starting to actually apply all this knowledge: I do consider people as people even if I find them attractive. And I now have standards, I pondered a lot about virtual sex and similar, which ultimately gets to the question about casual sex: right or wrong? Ok or not ok? Because one can say that if it's consensual and safe, why not?? I was tempted to contact a guy I know who is available at any time for anything yet I finally refrained from texting him. To test me further the Universe made him text me and I was able to say no even if some parts of me would have wanted to say yes to his offer (no pun intended... or yes, you choose!! ). I'm so proud of myself!! "You'll loose something familiar but gain something much better", very true!! Bravo me!! Stress (AKA life) management The other subject I'm working on with my therapist is stress management. Stress will always be there, it's about befriending her (yep, stress is female for me. I see calm in the masculine. Very stereotypical but so it is..). I had a super epiphany last week realizing that I will never really finish what I have to do at work, it's just utterly impossible. I was beating myself up for something I couldn't even do and didn't even need to do.. With my therapist I learnt the importance of setting realistic goals, and scheduling my days in a realistic way. For example I had planned to study every day yet it's clear that I can't so I now accept to plan on studying one day per week, it's not much but it's a lot more than nothing and accepting it as enough frees me of the culpability of never being or doing enough. Thank you Z!!