Diane

Freedom Now that I “freed myself” from personal growth, I get to write my own rules and live a life on my own terms. Things like: tonight there was a Zoom masterclass of the Mindset training, yet I chose to have the night free: I had the time to wonder about how, where and when to do my nails; I talked to the phone with a friend and I ended up watching the movie “Mean Girls”. Interestingly enough I had never watched it. I’ve done enough personal growth to know that the phrase “I should have studied” is false, but still, I feel like it. The good thing is I’ve also done enough internal work to know that the fact that I wish I had studied is fuel to motivate me to do better from now on. And that’s why wise people tend to be also very kind, in addition to being calm, collected, and imperturbable. So, what is the most loving next step? Do I go for a run or study tomorrow morning? My body is begging me to move, I’ve been sitting so much lately I feel my butt… So I’ll go for a run, and study afterwards. I guess I also need to review my study schedule.. I struggled so much with anxiety but failed to see the solution I had in front of me: to just prepare (or, as Evy Poumpouras and Lisa Bilyeu would propose, to OVERprepare)!! So funny!! I'll do better now. Thank you Universe for the endless second chances!!

Walking with my own feet and thinking with my own head I somehow got the sensation that Personal Growth is something I don’t need anymore, like I crutch that was very useful for a while but now I can walk without aid because the fracture has consolidated. Also, a part of me started seeing personal growth as a distraction, moving on surface waters instead of going deep down. Both may be true because while I was meditating and doing workshops to gain confidence, I could just have opened some books and gained confidence through competence. But I guess I needed to know that I was able to become that person first. So, thank you Personal Growth, thank you to all the teachers I followed, beginning from Les Brown, passing through Leo and now Mahima. I still have things to work on, but therapy is good enough now. It’s a bit scary to really assume the responsibility of governing my life without following what the chosen "Guru" of the moment says. But it’s for the best. Now the question is: will I continue the journey with the Mindset training anyway? I’d rather study and maybe just listen to the recordings of the Masterclasses. Becoming an adult is about growing an internal validation system. I think I’m getting there.

The root cause of my lack of self esteem Talking with my therapist, it turned out everything begun with my quest for an expression of love from my father in a language he can’t speak. Things like hugs, lots of compliments and similar. I spent my childhood trying to be the perfect little girl and somewhat looking for his approval. Then I just became the one who was never satisfied of anything I did. But maybe the disapproval I felt was just because he had another way of showing love and care. I can’t blame little me for not being aware of this. So I’m just grateful to have this awareness now. Unspoken expectations are a cause of great suffering. Dear little me, People express love in many different ways. Just because someone doesn’t speak the same language as you, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or disapprove of you. Regardless, the only person you need to be approved from is yourself and guess what, I 100% approve of you!! You’re such a beautiful person!! Walk straight and proud because you’re a badass little me!! Love you, Future you

Becoming wise A few days ago I understood why wise people are calm, collected and imperturbable. After almost 7 years of experience as a Junior Doctor, I’m finally starting to stress less when I am called to deal with situations I don’t feel 100% ready to manage. Also, when I get frustrated for something I very rapidly can see how or when I’ve done the same thing and suddenly I feel less angry and I can handle the situation a lot better. Sometimes I feel like this being better at coping with new/stressful situations is more of a hopelessness thing that it is about surrendering and accepting reality as it is. How do I know which is which? From how I feel. For the moment they are both there: I would rather have a day where nothing happens or only minor stuff that I’ve dealt with a thousand times happen. But after dealing with new/stressful situations I am always grateful for the knowledge/awareness gained from it. Maybe one day I’ll just be excited every time a challenge arise. Is enthusiasm the next level after wisdom??! Maybe but probably not. Fear does help in taming enthusiasm: it helps me avoid danger. As my therapist - a very wise person indeed - always says: it’s all about balance. Wise people know that growth requires discomfort and being stretched to their limits and they are ok with that.

Saying No The new rule is “Hell yes or no!”, so I’m starting to have to say a lot of NOs. Like the Movement for Therapy training I could start in September. The more I think about it and the more I want to be loyal to the intention of “doing less and being more” I have for this year. It’s an intention I betrayed since the very first week of the year: I did so many things! It was fun but now I’m really curious about what would happen if I really lived intentionally, and most of all slowly. I dream of a life in which I’m not exhausted all the time and I drink coffee just for pleasure. Given the career I’ve chosen I can’t ask for it in my professional life (at least not yet) but the time that remains, as little as it may be, is mine to manage. I’m still learning to gracefully say no but, as with everything else, I’ll get better with practice. Here are the list of things/people I’m saying No to in the short term: The Movement for Life training (maybe to do next year) Having MFL sessions with a friend Going at a barbecue on June 4th as I have an exam on June 10th Hell YESes I’m saying in the short term: Becoming more and more competent and knowledgeable in my work through studying for the two exams I have in June and November. A "Hell Yes" doesn’t need an explanation but here it is anyway: I do love my job, I love being able to help my patients and I want to become better and better at it!! The two runs I planned for June 11th and in August. I love running and I deserve to take the time for it. Rest!!! I’m already doing it: in general now when I’m tired, I just sleep (instead of getting angry because I’m tired and mindlessly loading up on coffee. Apparently a 15 min power nap is more effective than a double espresso, who knew!?! ). #thankGodIdon’thavekids!! Morning and evening routine. There is no reason in the world for which I couldn’t be able to start my days centered and finish strong. Hopefully it will not be too much anyway. I’ll adjust if needed.

Three years of us Dear Switzerland, are we even friends? You kind of asked me to come to you and I accepted. What I expected to happen didn’t happen and it is for the best. Expectations are always the problem, right? This anniversary made me realize I have now spent more time with you that the time I spent in Sardinia. And I loved Sardinia! So much that I quit her for your promise… Touchée!! When I think about this last three years, I have a lot of compassion for myself. I suffered a lot, sometimes without reason and others because I had to shed layers of what was no longer serving me and it hurt, a lot. It hurt to realize I was wrong in a lot of ways; it hurt to realize I spent so much time and money trying to fit in in an environment and with people I didn’t really like and/or who didn’t really like me. On the bright side, thanks to the salary I had here I was able to start therapy and enjoyed a lot of things and places I couldn’t have otherwise. I guess that after so many adventures together we could at least consider ourselves acquaintances. You’re not my first choice as a destination for vacations and maybe I’m not yours but if we crossed each other, we’d make the effort to do a little small talk. At the same time the world is a mirror. So, if I’m not 100% in peace with you it means there are still things I don’t accept and love about myself. That’s what therapy is for, I guess. Funny thing is that my therapist proposed me to do a gratitude journal, as in “I really already have all the answers inside me”. I just need to start to act on them. So, cheers to us, dear Switzerland!! May you find your peace as I find mine and may we become friends as befriend myself. With love, Diane

Center first Yesterday I had a sudden glimpse of awareness while running in the hamster wheel of trying to finish the things I had to finish for work as fast as I could: just one week ago I had “finally understood” the importance of centering first and only then taking action, and here I was running in circles again without any kind of grounding. I think I’ve developed a certain fear of planning. I always make big big plans that I’m able to act on for a little while and then fall apart for one reason or another. So I stopped planning altogether. (#allornothing, so adult...) And now I feel guilty for everything I haven’t done and overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. For the guilt part it’s fine, the last week I also learnt that the guilt is enough as a punishment, and I get to do better next time, thank you Universe. For the feeling of overwhelm I consciously know that the answer is in being in the present moment: when I am fully in the present moment, I am more efficient, and I don’t get overwhelmed. So, the solution would be to create a plan so easy to execute that I can’t get overwhelmed. I’ll try that. On the same train of thought, I caught myself in the “I’ll be … when …”. Specifically, it was “I’ll be calm when I’ll have finished what I have to finish for work." Oh, sweet summer child, you got it backwards!! I need to be calm now if I want to be calm later. Also, the future may not even come. So how can I be calm now? I have to let go of wanting the present moment to be different than what it is. It still makes me sad having to accept that I am not what I would like to be, and I don’t know everything I would like to know. I would like to be a person that I am not yet. And probably, when I’ll be that person, I’ll still want to be something else. How can I love me unconditionally? With practice I guess, and repetition: with repetition I’ll become a master!! I’ve just found a quote I had saved from the book The Resilient Physician: “There is no tragedy in having a stressful life. The only tragedy is failing to enjoy the life you have”. The truth is I have a good life and I am a very lucky person. And that’s what I want to embody. So, thank you Universe and thank you to the me that took the time to stop and reflect.

I’m starting to understand (AKA Embody) This weekend I went to an incredible Movement therapy retreat. For one I brought with me what I learned in my day to day life. Here are some notes I took: Be gentle with yourself Hell yes or NO: take the time to decide and only then go. First center and then go, there is always time to center. And only action created from a centered place can create beauty. Let the present moment be eternal. I am elegant and powerful. Stop thinking. Start moving!! When you move your body, you DISRUPT your pattern. One day at a time! Miracles can be created when we work on trust. Ask directly for what you want. Compassion starts with compassion for myself. Beware the spiritual bias of "I'm better than them". We are all the same. I can take care of me, I take care of so many people!! Everything is going to be fine. How to know? Embody it!! What is the first thing I am going to do tomorrow? TRUST Everything is instantly forgiven, AND you get the gift of doing better the next time. The sense of guilt is already enough as a punishment. Also, I received so much during those two days!! And I keep receiving plenty of love from the people that were there!! One of the many incredible things that happened is that I received a bouquet of the flowers that were used as decoration with one of the roses I had been desiring to take home but hadn’t found the courage to ask for... Universe always delivers, and always abundantly. On Sunday morning I also listened to a video from Kyle Cease and received a new mantra: Life is easy! The more I think about it and the more I see how true it is for me!! Thank you Gisela Rocha, thank you Kyle Cease, thank you Angels and thank you Universe.

Priorities I had four more or less free days (I was on call at work but also had a lot of free time) and I didn't study one line. Yet I went shopping multiple times. I love shopping and I care about how I appear. I spent two weeks stressing and preparing for a one week vacation I did in Florence with a friend when I could have just gone for a jeans and t-shirt look for the whole week without any problem. Also I spent yesterday cleaning my room and also a balcony I finally didn't use. The answer os to de the most important things first I guess. I'll need to find a library to go study in the city I am working in now. I wish I had the same motivation I have for shopping for studying too. It will come with practice!!

Dear Anxiety Can we be friends ? I’m not the best friend on earth but I can try. I’m pretty successful when I decide to focus on a goal, that’s how I became a doctor and achieved many other things in life. I know you have the best intentions for me, I would just like you not to hurt so much. I still have a lot to learn but if I’m constantly worried about EVERYTHING I don’t know I won’t be able to go very far. Remember the times we studied while crying? Yeah, I don’t think I learned a lot on those occasions. After it got better. There are so many things we’d both like to do but we can’t do all of them at once. And I seem to have better results when I focus on just one thing. It will be studying. I still don’t know what and how, but we’ll figure it out. But really, what do you want from me? I cannot be perfect, we have to find a way to accept it. I want to know things I don’t know and be things I am not. Maybe I should just be humbler and just be the imperfect and messy person I am. Goodbye Perfection, you looked good but you also were such a source of misery for me. The plan now is to just be me and be good to me. So thank you anxiety for making me afraid of not being perfect: I can’t!! Now I know. See you soon, Diane

New beginnings Every day is a good day to start fresh so why not today? I am at the end of a wonderful week of vacations. I went to Florence and I had the best time of my life relaxing and enjoying the town. I even started reading a novel for the first time since when I was in school, I had only read medicine or personal growth books since then. And I allowed myself to watch the second season of Bridgerton, going against the “vow” of not watching Netflix this year. As a cherry on top came this meditation I found on YouTube. It’s funny how all this “doing things I just feel like doing” came from my therapist telling me I don’t NEED meditation to be happy and fulfilled and it ended on a meditation (it’s a list of affirmations but still). I haven’t meditated since a few weeks, and I feel a great sense of peace anyway. Incredible!! Now what? I have no idea. I more or less failed on the plan for March, the main focus should have been my financial plan but I just spent as I liked. At least I don’t have debt. For the next months I have plenty of things I’d like to do, as always. Will I be able to focus on only one, at least mainly? Been there done that: I need to focus on studying, as I have an exam on the 10th of June. It will be also for my new motto “Get competence and you’ll get confidence”. For all the rest, the answer to overwhelm and anxiety is the rule of 5%: I’ll be happy of I only do the 5% of things but regularly. I hope I screw this up again if the result is to finally like myself as I am. I’ve almost finished the course “Secrets of Elite women” from Anna Bey. After being intimidated and overwhelmed by all the work that is required to become an “Elite woman” I see now how I don’t NEED that either. I still want to achieve at least part of that lifestyle but now with much more love and appreciation for the amazing woman I am already. As my mum would say: Namaste!!

More than words Yesterday’s night beautiful words ended up in me binge watching Sex Education until this morning. And now I’m in at a sadness level I hadn’t been in a while. I say I love myself, but I don’t act like it because I betray myself all the time by not putting myself first, eating randomly and recently falling off from the habit of exercising and meditating regularly. I just don’t know why I can’t just be well. Maybe it’s the second law of thermodynamics. Or maybe I just got lost at a certain point and now I need to rebuild my Queendom from more solid foundations. The objective now is to get radical: I know how to take care of myself and from now on I need to be intransigent in doing it. What about the rdv I have with my roommates to go in a creperie (the radical TLC also comprises going vegan)? I’ll take what approaches it the most.

Expecting the best while planning for the worst I tend to do very optimistic plans that miserably fail EVERY single time. I’m not alone, it has a name: planning fallacy. We attract what we believe so it’s good to believe everything is going to turn out well and our goals are achievable yet it’s useful to take into account also the nature of reality. My new approach then is to plan for the worst: take in account that there will inevitably be contingencies and unexpected happenings. It means reducing my activities to the essential, planning to just do what really needs to be done. Another epiphany I had this week was that the ultimate answer to anxiety is overpreparing. Anxiety happens to me mostly at work and I know I could prepare better for it. I’m so into personal development that I put aside studying in general and for the exams I have in particular. Once again, it’s all about balance. So, it’s doubly a good thing that I’m revising my plans!! _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ About this week My highlight of the week: I survived feeling overwhelmed and having to work anyway once again. On Tuesday I recognized it’s not that “I have too many things to do” in general, there are just some moments when there is more to do. Anyway, in both cases most of them are not life or death situations, so chill D!! And yesterday at a certain moment I took the time to write a list of good things happening at the same time as I was feeling so bad and it helped. AKA “gratitude is the fastest way to happiness”. My lowlight/learning: I’ve been skipping my morning and evening routines for a while now and it shows in my mood. My focus for next week: Getting back on track with my morning and evening routines.

A new definition of making love: asking for what I want *NSFW* This weekend I had a second date. Let us already celebrate that because it’s been a while.. The first one was simply wondrous. This one was too in a lot of ways: he’s so sweet and accommodating to my sometimes psycho-rigid nature. Despite having built a very good communication with him (AKA no more silent sex in my life, alleluia!!), I found myself not being able to really communicate with him during sex this time. The problem was that it started too early for me and I wasn’t able to tell him, so it was nice but a bit meh also. The lesson learned is to find the courage to express myself even when expressing myself means saying no. Also because, when I finally let myself tell him what I wanted, that’s when I felt like we were really making love and there wasn’t even penetration involved. I’m sorry I blamed myself so much yesterday for this faux pas. It’s ok D, you hoped you screwed this up and you nailed it, congratulations!!

Dear little D, the past is gone. And it's NOT coming back. Even if it were to come back, I got your back now, you are not alone. If you have any question ask me, I have the answers. If you need reassurance come to me, I see you and I love you no matter what.

The world is a mirror While doing the Work on the belief I have that the guy I’m dating should always answer me right away.pdf (which leads me to feeling anxious, not worthy and less then when he takes more than a few hours to answer to my messages), I remembered the external world is a mirror to my internal world. So what am I not answering to? It is my calling actually. What I love about my job as a doctor is being able to explain things to patients, as I believe consciousness is the key to healing. But how can I explain things I don’t know?! I haven’t been studying since a long time, I’m always waiting to be ready for it. One thing I can do is to re-start listening to an internal medicine podcast I had found on Spotify and start planning my days around studying and not relegate it to the mythical moment when I’ll be ready. Also because being ready is a feeling, not something to achieve. And I’m always ready for the next moment, and to study!!

Now what? I hope I screw this up!! Today I finished listening to this wonderful book from Kyle Cease and the title sounds like the ultimate solution to anxiety: if I screw up at least I will have done something and done is always better than perfect!! In Kyle cease’s words: “Everything that goes wrong in your life is just an opportunity to improvise and co-create your masterpiece with the Universe.” And: “I know everything is all right, but my mind is stressed,. And I love it, as this is who I am.” Another thing I need to remember is to delegate as much things as I can: it’s ok to do groceries online, have my nails done by someone else and use the drying machine. One day of course I’ll have a personal chef, a chauffeur, and a personal assistant but until then it’s ok to do whatever I can to make my life easier and in doing so freeing up time and energy for deep work.

The End This is my last post in this journal. I decided that "becoming a healer" no longer represents my journey: I'm more into healing myself and becoming more me right now. Also, in a way I already am a healer as I am a doctor so it's not something I really need to become anyway.. See you in the new journal!!

Note to Self I am perfect s I am. I have always been. And I will always be.

About this week My highlight of the week: The importance of letting go. When I let go of my attachment to desire and I just fully experience the present moment, that’s when magic happens. It was like that for my promotion at work and also with the Valentine’s Day guy, the moment I made peace with the possibility of him never reaching out to me again he wrote me and now we have fixed the second date and are back to being two birds in love. It’s sooo beautiful!! I can definitely relate with the studies saying that when people fall in love, they have a temporary cognitive impairment. I have to force myself to function and do the other things I have to do but I motivate myself saying “I’ll do this and then I can check if he has answered”. Fortunately, he tends to wake up very late in the morning too. My lowlight/learning: Not living intentionally. Time flies by when I don’t live intentionally, and I end up not doing the things I want to do when I want to. My focus for next week: Clarifying my finances (it will be the focus of March, I let go of the book The Game of Desire for the moment) and catching up with papers.

Clarity "I have no idea how this is going to happen, but this is what I want". This is the mantra my mindset coach shared this week. So powerful!! All I need to know is who I am and what I want, the rest will figure it out by itself. So what do I want? A powerful couple To excel in my studies and at work An inspiring group of friends A strong and fit body To nail the 33km trail in August Financial wisdom Being fluent in German In one word: Excellence!! Voilà, the asking is done, now I just need to allow it to happen. The funny thing is that allowing is not passive at all: it requires me to be very intentional in how I think, feel, and act, as I need te be the fertile ground where the manifestation can flourish. I will do that by embodying my Divinity. I’ve been doing it with the Valentine’s Day guy already. It gave me a lot of power and peace, in a situation where I could have otherwise put myself in a passive-aggressive and very negative position: we had started to plan for a second date this weekend but I felt he was too busy to make it and instead of passively waiting for his confirmation/cancellation, I made it easier for him to cancel by gifting him freedom with my words. In the end it was for the best because I was tired too last night, and I am grateful I had the time to just relax. But of course, I still think about him A LOT!! There may be some wisdom in this idea of being committed to someone before having sex with them. It’s not even about being saintly but just to keep the more clarity of mind possible: as much as I liked a lot of things about this guy, what distracts me the most is still remembering what I felt while being in bed with him… I think I will be able to do it with the next person with whom I’ll have a connection: I decided to put Tinder on pause and continue the work with The Game of Desire. At the end of it I’ll have a clear image of what I want so I will be able to communicate it and also to wait without anxiety, as I’ll be in a long-term oriented mindset. Another point to get clear on is my true motives for what I do. I was talking with a colleague the other day and she asked me why I seem to always be striving for more/better. Fortunately, right now I am happy with where I’m at so the question would be: “why not just keep things as they are?" I think that’s just who I am: at this point I already have internal and external validation (I’ve just received a promotion at work!!). So, I’d say it’s just for the fun of it. It also fits with what I found out to be my Jungian Personality archetype is the Consul, ESFJ-A. Hence, I don’t have any profound philosophical answers for the moment: I strive for more because I enjoy it. I think I’m doing it right seen that the ultimate purpose o life is to enjoy it (and expansion)!!

My life, my rules!! Alignment first and then action, right?! Regarding love this time I went into action before aligning as I wanted to prove to myself that I was already enough. Fortunately, I live in a friendly Universe that is designed to support me so I got my proof by the perfect and magical date I had on Valentine’s day. And then I remembered the five precepts, in particular the third one, that has always been tricky to me to uphold. This thought was linked also to the advice one of my coaches gave me to wait at least 2 months before sex if I’m aiming to a serious and long lasting relationship. At the same time I know it was more about making love than “mere” sex what happened with the Valentine’s day guy. Also, there are people who start as friends with benefits or just f*ckbuddies and end up getting married. So, is there really something wrong in making love with someone before being committed to that person? In the sense of: does this complicate things? Like making a relationship last longer than it should just because sex is great? I once had come up with the rule of not having sex with someone I hadn’t seen elsewhere than in a bedroom before at least 2-3 times. 2 or 3 then? The fact is that I don’t see making love with someone as “giving away my body” or “sexual misconduct”. So the new guideline could be to commit to only making love / having sex with total respect for my body, having the courage to say if I feel pain and to continue expressing my preferences and my desires. Idk how all this can transform in a long term relationship. What I’m starting to see is that in the end there are no one-size-fits-all rules in life and in the end I’m the only one who can really know what my Truth is. I have all the answers inside of me, from now on I am the Ruler!! At lunch yesterday, half joking and half not, I spoke about how the 22 February 2022 is for me the date of the wedding with myself. Without thinking too much about in the morning I had danced “I do” by Aloe Blacc. I’m doing this little ritual of dancing love songs and dedicating them to myself. And in "I do" Aloe Blacc talks indeed about commitment. I think the ultimate path to the long-term relationship I’m looking for is self-love as I attract who I am. The rules will naturally come out from me loving myself enough to uphold my own standards. Also, I am the love of my life: the only thing that stays is my inner being, everything else is destined to come and go, including relationships. Another thing I recently understood is that value ultimately comes from needs: I’ll be valued by someone who has needs I spontaneously meet and vice versa. The needs I feel like needing to be met by a love relationship are: Security, grounding, caring, affection and understanding. Now I know. Thank you, Universe, thank you Diane. All is one actually so: thank you, Me!! I’m even a poet now. Here’s a mini poem inspired by Matthew Cullen: Love I found you, as I found myself.

The only way is in Thank God I got a week of vacation this week. It gave me the space to refocus, as I had entered 2022 running around like a headless chicken. Fortunately I attracted many good things anyway but now I see how much I deviated from the goals I had set for myself. This evening I had a moment of doubt wondering why I do what I do. It seems like other people don’t question everything so much and don’t buy courses on courses on how to live life. Love of learning is one of my core value so I guess that’s just how I’m wired. Maybe it’s a blessing maybe not. All I can do is to accept it and continue nurturing myself with the belief that even if there will always be more to see/learn/do, I’m already good enough as I am, I am lovable and worthy. My external results have to come from internal shifts, not the other way around. The more I love me and the more people around me will love me, no one can love me more than how I love myself. Other people and the world around me are a mere reflection of my internal world. So I’d rather take care of my own garden as it will brighten all the neighborhood!! I was listening to a Podcast from The Minimalists and they said this wonderful quote: “Find pleasure in meaning and not meaning in pleasure.” I commit to being consistent and to follow through with what I plan this year, especially when it becomes difficult and less sexy because that’s when it starts counting. I also commit to trusting Universe and its timing. I’ll let it do its job while I do mine. Thank you Universe!!

I already have all that I need I do live in a friendly Universe that was designed to support me. Yesterday I was feeling sad about the Valentine's day guy not texting me back and not being able to dance as well as my friends and then I remembered how lucky I am to have this kind of problems!! I am so grateful for my first world first class problems!! Also, because I already have the solution for every one of them. I found in my notes on Onenote a file called “positive automatic thoughts”. It’s full of positive affirmations and there was also what from now on I will consider My Prayer I am grateful for every breath, as it is not granted. I am careful with my body, as it can break. I am loving with myself, as this is all I have. Another amazing source of inspiration is my Mindset Mentor Mahima: “There is no end goal, only the journey. And the journey is always now”. Thinking about this takes all the overwhelm away: I can have projects for the future but the only way to realize them is staying focused on the present moment. I may even not achieve the result in the end, but I’ll have lived the journey and that’s all that matters. “You get more of what you focus on and of what you surround yourself with”. I need to pay attention to what thoughts I choose to dwell on and what kind of people I choose to surround myself with as I’ll inevitably become them. "Only give from your overflow”. The symbol song we chose with the Valentine’s day guy is “All of me”. Now I realize how making that song the leitmotiv of a relationship is in truth a recipe for disaster: it can only create the unhealthiest co-dependent relationship ever. Sorry John Legend, your intentions were certainly good and maybe you were talking about self-love in reality. Either way, I commit to always give to myself first and only give to others from my overflow!! Also, I don’t want to make other people thiefs giving them what I need for me, that wouldn’t be loving neither. This image is actually on my vision board for 2022. I really really already have all that I need!!

I cracked the code of BDSM!! ????? I've been fascinated by BDSM for a long time now. Recently I met a guy on Tinder who can switch but prefers being submitted. Through him I learned that there are a lot of rules in BDSM (it makes sense as the D stands for “Discipline” but I didn’t know that either). He substantially likes to be insulted. #preferences. Reading on the topic I found out that the ultimate goal of BDSM is not orgasm but meeting a need. I then realized that the need for me was being able to let go of control trusting that I am taken care of. Then on Monday (yes, on Valentine’s Day!! ) I had the most perfect date with another guy. There is no one thing I would change about that date. I went to see him in his town as he kept saying it’s the most beautiful city in the whole world. So he showed me the town, as it was raining and I didn’t want to open my umbrella he always kept me under his and always ran after me if I adventured in the rain to see something outside a covered area. He paid for everything, which was not needed and maybe not fair but I appreciated it anyway. His body was screaming desire form everywhere the whole time but he didn’t act on it: I was the one introducing the topic of having sex. And when we went at his place he told me the address two times (I could have find it on gmaps too but he made it easier to tell my friends where I was). And of course, having sex with him was amazing!! What I learned is there are other ways of meeting the need I once felt like needing BDSM for. He took care of me from the first moment we met and my need was already 100% met long before sex. I feel sorry for the other guy who didn’t answer me when I asked him what was the need he felt like being met through BDSM. I hope he’ll find his answers too. We’ll see how it goes with the healing one but for the moment I am just infinitely grateful. Another piece of wisdom I got from my Tinder experience is: “Go for 10s with things, and 8 with people”. Because I’m not perfect neither and it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve good things. Thank you, Universe, thank you Tinder!!