Diane

Resistance Resistance can be very very sneaky.. I know I should have expected it but oh boy, it strikes like nothing. I can't even write well about it.. The matter is: I've decided that I see myself well in Switzerland and the plan is to spend this year saving money and preparing to move there. The first step is to send applications so that I can go specialize there. Today I finished writing my CV in French, it took me 3 weeks to write one page.. I should have started writing the motivational letter to accompany it but I ended up in paralysis by analysis mode and justifying watching the last 4 episodes of Daredevil (50 min each) by the fact that I was watching them in French.. Nothing really bad with that, I did improve my English watching TV series.. So, yeah.. The answer to procrastination is mindfulness or for us newbies to "just do the thing".. Who knows, maybe it'll work..

Amazing things that happened today: There's a pianist in my condominium. He/she plays every day, always the same piece and the same scales.. Discipline.. Alex&Mimi Ikonn's little princess is born!! I don't even know those two but I'm so happy for them!!! I contacted my three future colleagues in Internal Medicine, one of them answered me and was very kind!! Ways I could have made today even better: Having a plan. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying. What I learned: "Letting go of attachment doesn't mean going to live in a cave in the woods. It means you don't rely on it for your happiness." Thank you @aurum!!

Amazing things that happened today: I did my ten minutes of visualizing about what my future life is going to be like. It's such an amazing exercise!! I really don't understand why I've been neglecting it lately.. I'I've been neglecting a lot of things lately, waiting for a motivation that delayed coming. "Get disciplined, not motivated!!". I shoult get it tatooed!! Into my brain.. My beautiful playlist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTS3H_OBO58&list=PLfUywLDUeor8MriPa2VIlXrXwVB7e0578), such a lovely caress!! I managed to do everything I had to do to enrol at the specialization school in spite of yesterday night's Daredevil binge watching... I enrolled in Internal Medicine in Sardinia figuring it's better than waiting until the end of October to see if something changes in the rankings and then having to pack and move in two days' time. Ways I could have made today even better: Drinking a coffee this mornig.I don't drink coffee any more but I think it would have helped.. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Enrolling into Internal Medicine!! It's going to be a curvy road, but I'll get there!! What I learned: Yesterday I realized that after all my father has a good opinion of me. When I told him that I didn't rank well enough for Cardiology he said "there must be a lot of people trying to get into Cardiology". Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not but I think that he wouldn't have said so if he actually thought that I should just have studied more (which is undenialbly true by the way...).

Amazing things that happened today: I finally restarted doing my 10 min visualization of my future life!! I watched the movie "The Boss". Life. Ways I could have made today even better: Waking up earlier. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying and realizing how much I still have to study. What I learned: The importance of following plan A.

From Sunday: The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!”. He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? Won’t he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10 So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” Faith and gratitude, nothing else. Amazing things that happened today: I spent a joyful afternoon with my friend. I have a new and incredible bike!!! I really have everything I could possibly need!! I wonder why it's so difficult to wake up in the morning... Faith and gratitude, I'll have to write it everywhere in my room... Ways I could have made today even better: Waking up earlier; Having a plan. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying. What I learned: Yesterday I came up with a theory about the reason I get hit by cars: it happens when I'm stressed about something.. It's as if it was a message from the universe to have more faith / calm down.. In April it happened just after breaking up with my ex fiancé when we were seeing each other again and this time I was worried about my friend.. Maybe I'm just distracted and I should have had the brakes checked on my bike... Not to be selfish when choosing a movie to watch at the cinema: The Magnificent Seven was such a disappointment!! I'm sure I'll love The Secret Life of Pets!!!

Amazing things that happened today: This forum!! It's therapeutic.. I watched a beautiful romantic comedy, "The other end of the line". I was able to bike without difficulty. Ways I could have made today even better: Waking up earlier. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying. What I learned: Sometimes reality is surrealistic.. But it still is.

Amazing things that happened today: Also cartoons talk to me now!! This morning I helped a neighbour preparing her child for school and there was this cartoon with a group of bears. They were preparing for a poetry show and one of them kept distracting herself. In the evening, realizing that she wasn't ready to perform the next morning she desired that the next day didn't come. Her desire came true and the sun didn't rise until she had learned her part. At first she didn't even realize how lucky she was of having that extra-time.. I think I've wasted September.. I'm grateful I still have the chance to make the most of my time, and my life in general. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKAG4zc4kvw Switzerland keeps calling me... I'm becoming more and more accepting of the things I can't control. I watched the movie "Finding Dory"!! I now have a Wigglytuff as wallpaper on my phone!! Did you know that Jigglypuff, my favourite Pokemon, evolves into Wigglytuff, or better: WigglyTOUGH!!! Oh, I also own a beautiful Jigglypuff, sometimes eating a Happy Meal is definitely worthwhile!!! I've just rewatched the photos we took in Ljubljana, wonderful!!! This is Tivoli Park, this view reminds me of another wonderful park we saw in Wien when we went there on a school trip. I don't think I still have the photo but it was such a vision, like this one but with all the reds, the yellows and the oranges of Autumn, simply magical!! Ways I could have made today even better: Having a plan. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying. What I learned: To have faith in God/the Universe/Destiny or whoever. I think I'm agnostic right now.. Anyway, there's a part of me craving for having a man in my life but I know that all I need to do is work on myself and keep going on my path.

Amazing things that happened today: I was hit by a car while on my bike but made it with just some bruises again. I keep doing my workouts. I discovered the difference between strength training and bodybuilding. As always, thank you Elliott Hulse!! Ways I could have made today even better: Having a plan. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying. What I learned: To look past the obvious.

Amazing things that happened today: My friend is safe now. It's not something tha happened today but I'll write it anyway: the something that made me turn to self-help. Life. Ways I could have made today even better: Studying. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: No one.. What I learned: https://soundcloud.com/india-arie/give-thanks

Amazing things that happened today: "I'm time, I'm a gift and you're wasting me".. Oh, self indulgence!! I finally started writing my CV in French.. Hopefully I won't continue going on at a speed of 1 line a day.. I cooked a very tasy lunch for me and my family!! I love cooking!!! Ways I could have made today even better: Being less self-indulgent and more focused. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying!!! I love the fact of having decided to make studying EKG part of my morning routine and actually doing it now!! What I learned: The "pay yourself first" concept. I've heard it too many times now not to apply it!!!

Amazing things that happened today: There are 11 likes on the first post of this journal right now, thank you Angels!!! This phrase: "Everyone’s strategy is different, have a clear cut case about what you want. Your body will get all its signals mixed up if you keep telling yourself that you want to move on yet you keep driving past his home daily. It will only remind you of where you used to be." from this article http://slism.com/girlstalk/how-to-get-over-a-long-term-relationship.html. I fell into nostalgia mode again but this time it led me to this "new" understanding. The second day in Ljubljana was even better than the first!! I definitely could live there, even just for being able to run in Tivoli Park!! And the food.. And the people!! <3 <3 At least some of them, people are the same everywhere.. Ways I could have made today even better: Studying or at least reading something Cardiology-related. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: No one.. What I learned: Authenticity is the answer the question "what do people like him like?". I've heard it everywhere possible but a part of me still kept trying to figure out how I should be/look like to attract certain kind of people when I just have to be myself..

Amazing things that happened today: I'm in Ljubljana!!! A beautiful big-little city!! I ate divinely today!!! I literally made love with food!!! My friend and I are staying in a great b&b too!! Ways I could have made today even better: Doing my morning routine. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: No one.. What I learned: To live in the present moment. It's not the first time I come in Ljubljana.. I came here once with my ex boyfriend and his family.. It makes me kinda nostalgic.. Questions like "what if I was here with him?". BUT I'm not and it's perfectly fine, as everything that is.

09-20-2016 Amazing things that happened today: You don't even drink!! #storyofmylife. I had a plan and more or less followed it. I really have all that I need. It's not something that happened just today.. I just realized it once more.. The first lesson of the bellydance course made me remember how much I love dancing!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ Ways I could have made today even better: Working out!! I decided I'll be running just three times a week, reviewing the assestment I did with the personal trainer made me re-realize that I definitely need to work more on strenght than on cardio.. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ What I learned: To love work as it is my best friend. I'm about to finish listening to "The richest man in Babylon", what an amazing book!!! 09-21-2016 Amazing things that happened today: My cousin from England came to visit us, he's going to be a doctor too, I'm so proud of him!!! I found a beautiful list of P-drugs, it's not perfect but it's a great start. God only knows how I managed to work without one... The doctor I replaced told me his patients were satisfied with me!! Everything went perfectly fine. I'm learning to appreciate more and more the little things. Ways I could have made today even better: Studying!! Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: No one.. What I learned: I am very very lucky!!!

Amazing things that happened today: I spent a lovely day at the beach with my mum!! I ran!!! I watched the movie "Joy", amazing!!!! Ways I could have made today even better: Studying. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: No one... What I learned: An additional answer to the question "how should I live my life?" is: with something to answer to the question "Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist".

So how should I live my life? The removing shoulds process was quite liberating but the questions still remains. Let's start from how I do live it right now: it's a bit of a roller-coaster between periods when I'm very focused and very active on achieveing my goals and others when I completely let myself go.. Nothing really bad about that but I would like to have more constancy. So there is the first point: Regularity. For a moment I actually had a very detailed plan on how I wanted my life to unfold. Then life happened and now I'm not totally sure about that plan. The mainstay of that plan was to specialize in Cardiolgy in Switzerland, in French . The doubts I have right now (I am not enough, I don't even speak French so well, where will I find the money to settle in there etc...?) remind me of the ones that first led me to repress the attraction I felt towards Cardiology.. Did someone say Hero's journey?! Maybe I should just eat the fear and do the things necessary to bring me there.. Or I could stay here and continue writing and dreaming about all the beautiful things I want to have and to be in my life... So here is my first answer to the question "How should I live my life?": with constancy and courage. I'm so grateful for living in a time and a place where I can just type "how to xyz" and find answers in less than a second!! Thank you Marie!!

[From yesterday night, I fell asleep while writing the last line...] Amazing things that happened these days: I discovered that pilgrimages are definitely not my thing.. I think I could be defined as agnostic right now.. Elliott Hulse uses the expression "religious slut", it's quite accurate too.. I did my morning routine and while meditating I remembered the concept that living one's life purpose is 90% drudgery and it's all about learning to love the drudgery too.. I hope this will help me refocus on studying... Yesterday I came up with the 5 questions I want to give an answer to in and wth my life: What is consciousness? What does it mean to be conscious? How is consciousness separated? Do people have different consciousness? (In reality I'm curious about both consciousness and awareness..) How does the material interact with the immaterial (thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.)? What is everything else? Are there any boundaries between your body and the world? How should I live my life? (That's a great one!!) Can all those questions be answered? Ways I could have made today even better: Studying. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: No one... What I learned: To fall in love with drudgery.

Amazing things that happened today: I studied!!! I cooked a very tasty pasta for lunch!!! I did at least one thing I had decided to do today: I went to see the family doctor I did the internship at and brought him some biscuits, he told me to come back tomorrow so that we can eat them together!! Ways I could have made today even better: Doing my routines.. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Studying!! What I learned: Nothing really new, just to do things in spite of the anxiety I feel.. Even the idea of having to plan makes me anxious, I had decided to plan out the next two months this morning but suddenly there were 1001 hyper-urgent things to do around the house..

Amazing things that happened today: I ran!!!! I'm staying at a friend of mine's for a few nights.. I realized that I don't want to ever ask myself what would have happened if I had given 100% again. These 3 weeks of work have gone better than I could have ever imagined but I can't say I really gave my very best to it.. Ways I could have made today even better: Studying. And finishing my morning routine... Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: No one.. What I learned: To be authentic and true to myself no matter what!! I think that's the only lesson you can learn from the movie "Perfect Stangers"...

I've just noticed that it's only from Wednesday that I haven't written anything.. It felt like an eternity, I really thought it was from more time.. Amazing things that happened in the last three days: I rewatched my two preferred movies of all time: Corrina, Corrina and American Gangster.. In French this time!! I ended my work experience as well as I had started it.. I'm still amazed at the idea of actually being a Doctor... I was lucky in many may incredible ways.. I like to say it as "I live in a constant state of grace".. Ways I could have made the last three days even better: Running/working out. Doing my routines. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Working!! What I learned: Good habits are difficult to implement as much as they're easy to break.

Amazing things that happened today: I noticed my anxiety-based procrastination. I was able to convince a woman suffering with anxiety that she doesn't need any analysis as the real issue is her anxiety.. I hope I'll be able to do a psychotherapy course, oddly enough I used to be frightened by mental disorders and now I would like to delve into them.. Especially anxiety and depression of course!! I RAN!!!! With my renewed fitbit!!! Ways I could have made today even better: Studying in spite of the resistance I felt.. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Working!! What I learned: Anxiety has many many was of manifesting itself, sometimes it looks like me cleaning the house.. I was dirty!! Today was the day they published the new rankings fo the specialization school. Nothing changed though..

Amazing things that happened today: I was happy for no particular reason. Everything went well at work. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it, it always astonishes me actually being a doctor, making diagnosis, prescribing therapies.. I'm at the same time confident of my skills and terrified about the day when my impostor sindrome will no longer be only in my head... But I'm fine with that now. I'm actually so relaxed that I'm procrastinating with studying... I recieved a lot of compliments from "my" patients!! Unbelievable!! Ways I could have made today even better: Running/working out. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Working!! What I learned: I am kind and welcoming!!

Amazing things that happened today: While worring about how I'm going to pay the tuition fees for the specialization school I saw this on pinterest A great reminder and inspiration, thank you Pinterest!! Everything went well at work. I studied. Ways I could have made today even better: Waking up earlier. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Working. Reminding myself why it is a good thing that I will probably do one year of Internal Medicine. Looking better at the rankings I noticed that if I had put Cardiosurgey as my second option instead of the third one I would have entered everywhere I wanted to. But I feel like one year of Internal Medicine is more aligned with the purpose of making people healthier through consciousness so thank you at the me of June for the wise decision she took!! What I learned: Something I already knew that is anyhow worth reminding from time to time: to have a great relationship I need to work on myself and study relationships.

Doubts, shoulds and shadows - part 2 I finally did the work.. I finished the list of my top 50 should statements. In the process of flipping them around the one really hit the nail on the head was "I shouldn't have to choose between a man who leves me and a man I am proud of". There actually is the third option of having both. Who'd have thought it?! I also did some shadow work inspired by Teal Swan's videos.. I found out this core belief: "I am a bad person". I then chose to replace it with "I am a human being. Mistakes are part of the growth process. It's ok to want more from life." I'll never be grateful enough.

Amazing things that happened today: I didn't take anything for my headache. I've been having a headache quite often recently. It's the same headache I experienced after exams, a professor once told us that every patient is like an exam in the end so it makes perfect sense... I'll get used to it and eventually the headache will pass.. I ran!!!! I worked out in my socks at the gym!!! Ways I could have made today even better: Waking up earlier and studying more Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Working!!! What I learned: To accept my headache.

Doubts, shoulds and shadows Yesterday I saw my ex-boyfriend and all my perfectly designed plans for the future melted like snow in the sun. Not all of them, just what I called "my life plan", which was the way I wanted to become a world-class Cardiologist and the person I had decided to marry. This made me realize that I can't plan out everything even if it's important to have a plan. Flexibility is the word. This means doubting everything, dropping my shoulds and doing shadow work (the three are synonymous I think). It felt nice having some certainties though.. I started doing the exercise in the video "How to stop moralizing - Removing the shoulds from your life". I stopped at number 9 "I should complete this list now", I'll finish it tomorrow or after I finish writing here.. Amazing things that happened today: Everything went well at work (I still have some difficulties "admitting" that I'm working.. My mum says I'm not really really working as it's just for 3 weeks... ) even if I wasn't 100% focused. It happened yesterday but it's definitely worth remembering: I "prescribed" meditation to a patient!!! I even had an immediate positive feedback from her when I mentioned it, she was totally favorable to the idea!! This is precisely what I imagined as "making people healthier through consciousness", I didn't expect to be able to do something like this so early in my career.. I embraced, or at least became conscious of some paradoxes: the one about planning and the fact that the same fear of other people's reaction that once made me resist breaking up with my boyfriend is now blocking me from giving him - us - a second chance. Here is another big should: you should never get back together with your ex... Ways I could have made today even better: Focusing on the present moment. Ways I got closer to becoming a wordclass Cardiologist: Working!! What I learned: You need to embrace your humanity and your imperfections. Should statements put ideals in your life that don't resemble reality and make you suffer. You think you should have a perfect life but it is impossible. (...) You become good when you accept reality as it is and follow your natural desire. Leo Gura It's not easy really.. But again, the hard way is the easy way and the easy way is the hard way so... Let's go!!