Rigel

Yeah she sounds great! Her dad is a legend in India as well

Day 9 update: life has decided to give me the flu on top. I lost my voice for two days and had to cancel some lessons I was supposed to give. I also have canker sore over my wisdom teeth so it takes me 2hrs to finish a meal and I cry throughout from the pain. My dreams are coming back. I don’t have the insane powerful dreams that people report from quitting. They are very mild. Last night I dreamt I was relapsing funny enough. I am suffering a whole lot but there’s an acceptance of that. Haven’t had this much struggle in while. I don’t have strong cravings anymore. My decision is so final that anytime I think about it I go:” Ah! Mental crap. This belongs in the trash.” And I move on.

I’ve been a pretty regular cannabis user for years in the form of vapour mainly. Some months daily. Other months sober but I always got back into it. I’ve tried moderation. It doesn’t work for me. As soon as I get a taste of it I want the whole damn thing and it becomes neurotic. In the past few months I’ve managed to not inhale any cannabis by using edibles. At first my main concern was lung and voice health which I am happy to say I am doing much better on that front. But by uncovering this neurotic pattern of behaviour I’ve noticed that it’s not just lung and voice health that I want. I want emotional maturity and the courage to deal with my feelings consciously. No more crutches. So I dropped edibles as well a few days ago. I am currently going through pretty gnarly withdrawals so any tips on that are welcome. Today I was teaching in the morning and in the afternoon I wanted to be productive and get my mind off of those withdrawals but instead I laid down on my couch and observed my breath for 4hrs straight. I obviously didn’t fall asleep cause I literally cannot right now. Hard as heck but hey that’s what I wanted right. In that time I uncovered another neurotic thought pattern. I guilt trip and beat myself up constantly for failing to be productive and do the shit I want to be doing to achieve my goals. But maybe laying down and fucking doing nothing was exactly what I needed. I had moments of sobriety in the past but this one feels different. I feel like I am at a crossroad and I want to keep myself accountable.

@Ry4n I appreciate the advice and I don’t doubt that you get benefits from that but I am cutting all ties and not looking back.

@Staples Aaah I get it. Don't mind my previous response. I just realized you've only read the title. That is understandable.

1. Why? 2. Did that years ago. 3. Yeah I am in the process of doing that. Thanks I guess.

I am looking forward to it. I can't even remember what it's like.

Well that was a trip if i’ve ever had one. The come-up was anxiety inducing as always but once I remembered to surrender and I followed my breath for a while it settle into this abstract mindfuck. I struggle to put words to it honestly. As for my intentions of uncovering the root cause of my weed addiction, I didn’t resolve anything. I didn’t come to an understanding of why at all. What happened is that I just basked in the pain of withdrawals. Trying to make sens of it wasn’t working. My reslove to not use it again is still strong. I think I am coming to the realisation that the pain I am trying to get away from isn’t going away anytime soon and I need to accept that. There will be no moving foreward without making time and space for the pain to exist. Eventually, as with all things, it will exhaust itself & something new will come up. I think it’s my inability to accept that life is just hard and that’s it. Trying to sneak away from it just doesn’t work. I have been doing that for far too long already. I expect my tendencies to avoid difficult emotions to manifest in some other form now that cannabis isn’t there to blanket me anymore. Probably the internet since I have a history of struggling with that as well. It’s crazy how the insecurities I usually have regarding my art & my work are getting eclipsed by this pain. I think I was using cannabis as a way to deal with those. I expect them to come back once I am out of this. I’ll go eat some pineapple now it looks declicious.

Sorry that wasn’t clear I am talking about using mushrooms not cannabis. I never had any problems with mushrooms. I need to get my courage up to take them and it’s always been positive even on harder trips. I am done with cannabis.

What I found helps a lot with the withdrawals include: -Scorching hot baths -Sun on my skin -Physical activity & movement -Journaling about them -Breath work -Crying I am planning on tripping off 2g tomorrow & digging for the root cause of this addiction as well as making peace with the substance itself. Like if I am being honest I loved cannabis & it had a positive impact on my life until it didn't. I want to acknowledge everything it gave me and everything it took from me as non-judgmentally as possible.

To me it doesn't really feel psychedelic at all but I think there's a point to be made about the synergy that it can have with psychedelic compounds. I love them anyway. My holy trinity of the mushroom kingdom is Cubensis, Lions Mane & Shitake(those suckers taste amazing as well) Only the psychedelic kind taste like garbage ahah Just kidding we kinda get used to it.

Yeah I make my own capsules and I use lions mane as a filler to make them full. Last batch I made was 70mg cubensis and the rest was lions mane. It might be cause I made them with cubensis aborts which are stronger than normal fruits but they are too strong even at 70mg. I am thinking that lions mane has a potentiation effect but I could be wrong I haven’t tried this specific batch without lions mane. What I know for sure is that they are so tasty sautéed in a bit of olive oil or butter ?

I love me a nice cup of green tea in the morning ? Coffee is way to strong for me. I can’t take it even though I love the smell and taste because it turns me into a vibrating pill of nerves.

I have been consistently chewing this very hard gum that I have found a couple months ago. I am serious it is transforming my life. It's totally changing the bone structure in my jaw & my airways! Making more room for my bottom wisdom teeth who are still coming out! I love chewing very stiff gum intensely. I am still not enlightened tho lol

Yes it is very hard. My point was that the line between playing and listening is razor thin and that’s what you realize after thousands of hours doing both with full awareness. All of that was in response to your comment about Beethoven being different cause he’s creating, not just listening. Well he’s not. The dude fabricated his work inside his mind in a way that is spooky-shly close to active listening. Thus placing your premise into question again(it’s false by the way). But even more important than that, who the heck gives a shit about your IQ? IQ is like the leftover bits of dried crumb in the bag when you are done with the loaf of intelligence. It doesn’t measure actual intelligence.

No that’s not what I am saying. There is such a thing as listening with active and passive awareness. Why you would bring torture as an analogy to justify staying unconscious is beyond me.

That’s a very nice straw man lol

Well then isn’t your problem lack of awareness and not music?

Creating and listening are very close to each other. Assuming you are actually listening with full awareness. Jazz cats only play what their ear is feeding them internally. They play back the stuff they hear inside their mind on their instrument. They are listening to their own music as they play.

The voice is a delicate instrument & progress isn’t linear. Give yourself time to rest, time to breathe and time to practice. It’ll change and transform every step of the way & you need to let it be what it wants to be. Sometimes we are so critical with ourselves that we stifle the JOY that is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to play at our best. And keep in mind it isn’t possible to always play at your best. But the more you practice, the more it’ll fall into place. Warm-ups and good technique goes without saying. No shouting obviously. Plenty of water. Good sleep. No smoking. Healthy eating. Exercise. How old are you and what’s the extent of your musical training? Edit: If your voice hurts when you use it then it’s a code red. You need complete vocal rest for an extended period of time and ease back into it extra carefully. If, as you say, it’s like you have lost power and sparkle but your voice is still there and it doesn’t hurt to use it in this way, then I’d actually encourage you to explore this “unpowerful” & perhaps “duller” sound that you find yourself with right now. I am suggesting a very open and non-judgmental investigation of the sounds that are actually coming out of you. You might find that you actually like them. And when your full range comes back(with adequate care, practice & rest) you might even want to retain some of that gnarlier tone that you’ve been feasting on. It’ll become another means of expression. More toys for you to play with.

My birth name is Tristan. I’m a m7b5 chord if I recall. Not that it matters.

As a musician I fully support your addiction to Music.

Mankind is the bullshitting animal? Something close to that.

Aaah yeah I remember the bullshit episode. It was so much fun?

Don’t you love brushing your teeth? What are you trying to accomplish by skipping that? I don’t get it. edit: oh I see you started brushing them. Good for you?