Grant6

Lately I have been trying to figure out, how I can bring myself to connect with people even when I don't feel like it? I often keep most thoughts and feelings to myself, unless I am prompted to share them, then I don't mind. But people rarely come up to you first, and I don't want to wait for people to come to me—I want to take more initiative. But putting myself out there, unprompted, even when I don't feel like it just feels so draining, and can sometimes be scary, but I want to overcome this because I want to get better at forming connections with people in all areas of my life. And this most often applies to group settings, where it's easy to hide and fade into the background. I'm much more confident in one-on-one interactions with people, but I still have struggles there too sometimes. For me there are already some obstacles that I am aware of, like I often feel like people just don't care what I have to say, so why would I share myself if they don't ask first? And another obstacle is energy, which again applies mostly to groups. I am guilty of speaking with little to no enthusiasm or excitement unless I am genuinely excited about the topic. But even then, I'm not totally monotone, but my speech sometimes lacks "life" to it, and this does not engage people and so I lose their attention quickly and then cannot connect with them. And a bonus question, how do you all connect with people even when they have very different views than you? It's easy to connect when someone has many overlapping interests/values, but when someone is the total opposite of you, how do you relate to them?

I can definitely relate. When you say it is essential, are you saying that is essential to who you really are (and therefore the personal history who-what-etc. is not you or just a piece of you)? And can you say more about the "first-personhood spans innumerable lifetimes? Are you talking about past lives or immortality or something different?

@OBEler To me it's almost literally like a roller coaster - when you're slowly moving higher and higher to the top, that's the most nerve racking part. But then once the roller coaster starts, you're past the point of no return so you might as well go along with it, then it's actually enjoyable. Interesting I've never experienced another bigger wave after the peak, I didn't even know that's possible on mushrooms.

@Matthew85 Thanks for reading!

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo!

Accidentally hit submit without finishing, how do I delete a post? Lol

Overall this was a beautiful trip PRE-TRIP I was actually pretty nervous the day before I tripped. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision but ultimately I made the decision and it was definitely the correct one THOUGHTS DURING THE TRIP < > = post trip elaboration 10:30am: ate 2g dried mushrooms 10:39: I have a lot to offer. I love who I am. I am a gift to the world 10:53: head feels... lighter? Like I can tell something is different. Slight urge to throw up, but not really 11:05: it's a gradual onset. Right now everything feels like... slow a bit. I sort of saw the patterns on my bed moving a bit. And I just saw the letters on this piece of paper flowing back and forth like grass in the wind. My body feels a bit weak. I think because I need to eat. 11:14: It's boredom but I have to create the interest. What am I passionate about? Also I am a bit sleepy. Low energy right now. there's nothing I feel like doing. What do I do? Sleep lmao. love In spite of how I feel, I have to keep going I'm much more asleep <metaphysical sense> than I thought **Life is literally whatever you make it <I then began to dance to some music I put on> 11:27: who is in control? continue to read but don't forget to stay in touch with whatever this is haha <idk what I was saying here> What is reality? I feel like this psychedelic is exposing me because I say I'm into personal development but I have nothing to show for it. What do I need to do? **I feel like I've been trying to put off an image to people, instead of being me 11:37: I get tempted to look at spiritual video <I wanted to watch one of Leo's videos I think> I see why not everybody has a deep trip every time they take mushrooms. It's because its literally whatever you make it. If you don't have that intent then the mushrooms won't show you 12:40pm: Life feels like a story that I'm creating but I have no idea how deep the story goes 12:50: sat at piano <I just played one note, and it was so magical, it felt like being a child again but even better> 12:59: I have the urge to talk to other people 1:00: Toilets are funny 1:04: Most I see why mushrooms are twisty <I can't explain it in words, but it almost felt like I was going into an infinite loop> **There's a contour to the mushrooms that's so beautiful. Like they could have been created any other way but they weren't I feel like I've been slackin <with personal development> Who am I? almost don't even <incomplete sentence> What is existence? **Failure is beautiful 1:22: time slows. I don't know shit <began entering profound state of not-knowing, but didn't quite get there> What is art? How deep does art go? 1:28: My arms and legs feel so funny. I could sit here and question everything 1:30: What's the point of life?* Life feels very magical rn. These candles also smell really good. **I need to trip more often. Not cause it feels good but I want to understand wtf is going on. I created other people?? Sounds crazy af What is time? <I then stared at the time, and it changed from 1:47 --> 1:48, but time didn't... move? I kind of felt the illusion of time but didn't go too deep into it> What is confidence? I'm looking at it. INSIGHTS & THOUGHTS COMING DOWN 1. I am creating reality 2. I contemplated about what confidence is too. And almost immediately I got my answer. I’m looking at it. Confidence is whatever you see in front of you. If it has the will to exist, it is confident. So what this means is that in order to be more confident, you just have to be it. You can't have any shame either from 3. During the come down of the trip, I felt like a little stressed actually because... life is constantly unfolding. It’s like we are in an infinitely unraveling story, and I want the story to be perfect. But it’s not perfect. And that’s ok! In fact, it’s precisely the imperfection that makes it perfect. Very counterintuitive. 4. I’ll admit it is nice to be back in the dream. I notice I adopted this negative connotation to “life as a dream,” like that’s a bad thing. Like coming back down from the trip is a bad thing or something, and I think that created a little anxiety and stress on my come down. But this is where half of the work is, at the human-level of consciousness. Whether it is a dream or not, why does that even matter? It’s all there is. Speaking of the come down, I noticed my vision was a little bit weird, as if I was looking at a computer all day and I could still see the lines. 5. One thing the psychedelics taught me is that I love story telling. Another facet to my life purpose. The only thing is how do I want to tell stories? Side note also I made it important not to look at my computer during the trip, but consequently I only wrote things down with pen and paper, which is much slower than typing. Painfully slow. So I did miss having that. I think text time I will allow myself to type so I can get my thoughts down faster. 6. Leo I applaud you for your work here. I had a conversation after the trip with one of my friends, and trying to communicate this stuff with others is so challenging, but you’ve come as close as anyone I’ve ever seen to articulating it so well. Like psychedelics makes me admire your work even more, and I’ve been following you for 6 years. It’s very inspiring. During my trip I thought about your blogpost, the only question is why, the only answer is love. Life should just end right there ahaha but of course it doesn’t. That’s the short answer, and everything in life is just the long answer to the question, but ultimately it always goes back to love. 7. Oddly enough, I just got a sex insight. I have a girlfriend, and in the bedroom I could be doing a lot more teasing and foreplay. We tend to just get right to it, and I think that’s why it’s been feeling a little boring or “vanilla”. 8. Also I realized in my interactions with people, I tend to approach it from the perspective that there is always something to learn from the other person. Good, right? Well, I see how it can backfire because that can make it seem like the other person holds all the value, and I completely ignore the value that I can provide the other person. I think this has led to me undermining or completely neglecting the value that I can provide to others. I hold value that I am keeping from other people by not sharing it with others. PS: God is the ultimate jokster, and I love God for it Leo’s video, Humanity is the bullshitting animal, is spot on 9. Also, reality is so amazing. I’m honestly just so happy to have “experienced” everything I have so far on psychedelics. Everything else from here is like icing on the cake for me. I feel a lot of bliss. 10. I was also aware of something else. Psychedelics usually only last 3-6 hours. But I was aware that it could literally last for infinity if I wanted it to. The 3-6 hours is just a safety net for us so that we don’t go mad. It’s literally just an excuse we created but a wise excuse. Then I thought about it. Is the point of taking more and more psychedelics to stretch our capacity to be in that higher state of consciousness for longer, while also maintaining survival? So in other words, psychedelics is the bridge between higher consciousness and baseline human survival consciousness, and the goal is to slowly strengthen the bridge so that we can come from a more loving place in mundane life? Not sure if that makes sense but I like the analogy of psychedelics being a bridge between God and humans, and the more psychedelics you take (with the right intentions of course), it slowly blurs the boundary between God and Human, until finally it comes together. I haven’t experienced that yet, but I am very open to the experience. I’m in no rush to see God but am very excited at the thought of it 11. Also language. I think it’s interesting how much language has to do with understanding reality. I think a big part of Leo’s work is mastering language, and being able to use the right words in order to convey all the advanced topics, but of course the words themselves are second order to the actual thing that is being talked about. So I wonder how the future of humanity will deal with that issue, what kind of new language could emerge in order to integrate higher consciousness? 12. I had the intention “to be creative & to learn how to love myself and others more.” But in retrospect, the secret intention I had was to learn “how am I creating reality?” and I definitely got a little taste of it. But I have yet to go fully down that rabbit hole. TAKEAWAYS FOR FUTURE TRIPS > I think if I take 2.5, I will be biting off more than I can chew. I think I want to just take 1.5 or 2 again and see the similarities/differences in experience before I move up to 2.5g. Also I think I will need a more grounded, genuine intention before I up the dose so I have a strong anchor to fall on if I need it. > Also I realized not to underestimate the power of a good affirmation. I am going to start saying affirmations every day because something I became aware of during the psychedelic is the link between your thoughts and reality, namely how thoughts literally manifest within reality. Given time (and other factors im not aware of currenlty). I don’t understand the full depths of this yet but the connection is definitely there. Simply changing your thoughts can change the whole trajectory of one’s life. And an easy way to do that with little investment is saying affirmations everyday, but actually believing it when you say it, not just saying it mechanically like a robot. And if you don’t believe it, you gotta just fake it til you make it, and eventually you will start to believe it, then it will become your reality. > Also I did this trip solo, and I think I like to keep it that way. Having other people really is distracting and counterproductive to the experience. Unless said person is very aligned with you in some way. Like the only person I would want to do psychedelics with is my girlfriend, I think that would be a beautiful experience, and on a lower dose like 1g or 1.5 at the most. There’s no need to go higher than that. I’m not gonna be questioning reality too deeply with her, more so just basking in it so I wouldn’t want the dose to be too high. > I need to read more books, and also I have been too conservative with psychedelics. I have been sort of protecting the experience a lot if that makes sense, but I am ready to do psychedelics a little more often, and I am still going to be wise when deciding when I do them. But I think it would be beneficial for me to take a psychedelic again (1.5g most likely) in maybe one month, instead of waiting 3 or more months. > I need to create more magic in my life. I have to insert the magic into life myself though, I can't expect life to hand me magical shit on a silver platter

This is fantastic, thanks so much!

1. Being set in your ways / close-mindedness 2. Not caring about growth at all / staying in your comfort zone / complacency 3. Not seeking help / thinking you can do everything alone 4. Having no direction in your life / lack of purpose (doesn't have to be realized yet) 5. Not embracing challenge / wishing things to be easy 6. Giving up on life / losing hope 7. Not having fun with life / taking life too seriously 8. Not taking life seriously enough / wasting time doing things that don't matter 9. Living in fear / not having courage to take necessary action 10. Not mastering anything / being "paralyzed" by all the options that you end up dabbling too much 11. Neglecting body health / eating poorly 12. Seeking approval from others 13. Hedonism 14. Asking poor quality questions / not asking questions at all 15. Not setting boundaries with people / Not respecting yourself or your time 16. Having no integrity 17. Taking everything personally / thinking everything is about you 18. Wasting hours and hours on social media 19. Not respecting psychedelics (eyeballing, overdosing, etc.) 20. Doing spirituality but neglecting basic human survival (having a job/career, paying bills, schoolwork, etc.)

Suffering is ok. I think that this is one of the keys to emotional mastery. I have been getting better at letting myself feel and be in "negative" emotions without trying to get rid of them or feel better. I would catch myself at moments wanting to feel differently, to feel happier or just feel less sad or confused, but then I realized something. Why is one way of feeling better than another? It's not, in the ultimate sense. I just have a preference for certain emotions because I am biased. So instead of trying to change "negative" emotions, I have been allowing them to just be, and I find that sometimes it stays for a while, sometimes I spontaneously release the emotion and I move into more "productive" emotions from there, but no matter how long it takes, it always passes.

Celebrate your accomplishments I just finished the semester, and I am just happy to be done. One thing I rarely ever do for myself though is actually celebrate when I accomplish something. This semester was a little rough for me, and I kinda feel like I didn't really give it my all, but I still made it through, and instead of feeling bad that I could have done better, I'm gonna try to acknowledge the fact that I still made it through and that's worth celebrating and being proud of, even though it feels kinda weird to do at first.

@Jacob Morres Ahh thank you for that distinction, I think that's a helpful question to ask oneself: is my motivation coming from self-love or self-hate?

Set deadlines, and take them seriously I am pretty much done with the semester now, and one thing I feel like I have all this free time now, which is nice, but I don't want to waste it like I have previous years. I think one reason why I feel into that trap is because I didn't have deadlines for myself like I do during school. One of the only reasons I have ever got shit done in school is because there are deadlines forced upon me. If I want to accomplish anything beyond school I gotta set those deadlines myself, whether I like it or not, and actually take them seriously. I have to pretend that they are actually consequences for not following through, maybe I could actually make consequences. Or have an accountability friend, something like that.

I highly value self expression I was just reflecting on my life currently, and I am a bit stressed right now, but then I was in my car just driving, and I was listening to music/singing, and I just felt so much love in that moment. After reflecting on it I think it was because I felt like I was expressing myself, and when I thought about it further I think that's what makes me most happy, when I am doing something where I feel I am authentically expressing myself. On the flip side, I think I tend to get tired of things or give up when I feel like I am not able to express myself on a level I am satisfied with.