CordeliaHawk

I finally died and was reborn into this world of Leo Gura's! If you have not been hailed "our Messiah" you are not labelled correctly!!!!! But before I go on, were you per chance teaching in FL, Jan-Mar, 1982? I was 25 and took a "Life Stages" class which taught me about having been a child, to raising children, and through old age, self-actualization being the final achievement of this journey called "life". If you were not the teacher, Leo, then he certainly started me on my path to you. And I'm so thankful to have finally found my release, my outlet, a place to share my thoughts, heart, soul. After all, isn't self-actualization the process of helping us simple-minded humans reach beyond ourselves, to that place where most certainly our energy continues when it leaves our organic bodies? Isn't that what all the searching is about? What happens beyond the physical world? I know for me, I want to be as prepared as possible. That's why this world, actualized.org, is finally where I belong. Open-minded. Why are people so threatened by new ideas, new philosophies, new hypothesis? Why are we such a weak-minded species that we hold onto ancient beliefs, values, traditions? What is so scary, wrong, deranged, threatening about being totally dependent only on yourself for answers? Mirrors! Mirrors are the problem. People only see what they wanna see in a mirror. If someone else comes along and holds up a mirror that shows them how much their actions hurt someone, that mirror shows a very ugly person and they shut you out rather than deal with how much they hurt you. Mirrors that show others how ugly they are cause the mirror holder a Life of solitude, reflection, self-analysis. Questions so loud, my brain wants to explode sometimes! So much pain to overcome; an extremely long journey, but climb this mountain I must and I will! Now that I have found an outlet to share my journey, I no longer feel like I'm beating my head against a wall, no help or support for the journey I really needed to be on, the path I lost but have found again. Yes, I have started a conscience journey that has been my sub-conscience crying out to me to listen for so long. I already feel so much more relaxed, less stressed, my self-confidence returning, slowly. I have not studied or watched any of Leo's teachings in detail, only catching quick snatches of his work. You see, my very dear friend, roommate, partner, living-dependently on each other, companion, realized that she needed some help dealing with my sadness, explosive temper, and seemingly genuine comfort with solitude. Somehow, she stumbled upon actualized.org; maybe I had used the term self-actualized, tried to describe it to her, I'm not sure, but so very grateful Leo has come into our lives. Like I've stated, I've been aware of this process, this lifelong journey, since I was 25. My dearest, at 50, is just beginning to see how looking at herself, deep inside, is where she will find her answers. It's an extremely hard process, but because of her own self-discovering journey, I have remembered that I, too, am on the same road. I will understand myself well enough to overcome my pain, put away my anger, give forgiveness to myself and others, become the calm, serene, giving person that is just waiting to blossom. By applying what Leo is teaching, and remembering the path I started 40 years ago, I will become the person I see. I will become the good "man in the mirror." My anger....so explosive! The triggers started becoming apparent about age 16, over a boy. Yeah, I know, classic! Being "in love" gives rise to so many expectations. Eieyeye, did I have high ones! He better act, think, feel, show every exact emotion that I had or he didn't really love me, definitely didn't love me enough. And man did he pay for not loving me enough! Yes, I was a nasty little bitch, molded in the shape, as it turns out, of my mother. My mother. My best friend, confident, biggest cheerleader, understood every fiber of my being, my whole life, so I thought. Seems I have been the unwanted, red-headed step-child and didn't know it. I must admit she did a good job of hiding it for most of my life. I was the result of a wild night of partying, the second time in as many years in 1956, having given the first daughter up for adoption in 1955 at age 19, now only 20 and a half and facing yet another "inconvenience". "Sperm donor" just that; not his problem. And the shame. Again. Strict Puritan parents. She's doing her "confinement" with friends of her parents in a small town along the coast of British Columbia, studying to become a nurse. Along comes this handsome, Elvis Presley look-alike before there was an Elvis, or maybe he was just getting popular, tall cool drink of 17 yo Texas sailor. They like each other, she tells him she's already pregnant, again, and having to give me up, he says marry me she says yes I'm born in Texas instead of adopted out to Canadian parents who would have truly loved and wanted me for me. One of many uncontrollable and I had-no-choice-about-it pivotal occurrences in my life. It just occurred to me, was my soul's course altered then? Do our souls enter into this dimension on a pre-determined path? Do we have a soul? Is that the label for a Life energy we cannot understand, the part of us that carries on, what self-actualization is for? Getting in touch with this energy, this force, a power beyond our physical understanding, what religions, politics, rules, society, doctrines, habits, traditions all try to teach us is the best way. Because we don't know the way. We're not even sure where the "way" is. But I get off topic. Did my mother's choice while I was en-utero change who I was supposed to be? Or had I stayed in Canada, would I still be here, battered, broken, bleeding, no one wanting or needing me in their lives. Two daughters, 2 x's, a mother, dad, 2 brothers, 2 sisters and all the various attached nieces and nephews and in-laws. With so many people having been in my life my whole life, no longer giving me the time of day, I can't help but ask, "Is it me?" Some of these people I chose to shut out of my life because of their toxicity; others shut me out because of mine. Either way, I am alone, unwanted by those that used to want me and I need to know, "is it me and how do I fix what's wrong?" One word screams at me louder than any other: EXPECTATIONS. Don't we make choices based on a desired outcome, an expectation of what will happen? Isn't that what goals are? We expect that if we apply ourselves toward this ending, our goal will be accomplished. We get married, have kids, make promises, have dreams; all part of a desired outcome, the expectation that our plans will work out. Expectations have ruined my life. Not because none of my expectations happened, but because I expected too much from others; still do, and no one can give me enough. Where I am in my life right now, this instance, is suffering because all anyone has had to offer me is crumbs from their lives, moments out of years with no communication, disinterest, me always making contact or go years, if ever again, with none. I have become the kid in school that nobody likes, when I was the class leader, well liked and listened to. Too much damage? Pre-destined? Is there any hope for me? ANGER, so much rage! How did my life turn into this....this....this piece of misery and bleakness. I'm intelligent, confident, witty, kind, generous, charming, sexy, polite, have a sense of self - that I have the power within myself to heal; have known about and tried to be on a self-actualizing path since age 25. So many, many roots to remove. And now fear has set in; the fear that I will never heal, that the pain is so entrenched, that it's who I am now; that I'll never be able to have anything to say worth listening to, write worth reading, no purpose of any kind. Expectations again. I deserve to have a life worth living, not one only of existing. I need to reach people, make them aware of how desperately we need to open our minds, look inside our hearts and minds for the answers, return to nature and live in harmony with this planet and each other. But how? What is the approach I take? Leo has the market cornered for actualization; where do I go? How do I get heard? Passion. Purpose. Expectations. That is how I'm going to turn my life around. Find a topic I'm PASSIONATE about; returning to nature, becoming one with the earth. Turn that passion into a PURPOSE; reach like-minded people and live off the grid, out of the city, growing and sustaining a community. EXPECTATIONS: people working together to support, nurture, grow, and thrive as a group determined to live a life that is a higher consciousness than what is on the surface. Actualized people who understand that by helping each other, we are stronger. Passion. Purpose. Expectations. The process to having a fulfilling and rewarding identity, and a process I did not learn before now. My life is fractured and splintered because I didn't follow through with any of the necessary parts. My passion was my daughters, making my purpose molding and shaping their characters, with the expectations being that they would be productive, happy members of society. I accomplished those goals. But now I have no other passions, no purpose, only the regret of one unfullfilled expectation; I expected to be a part of their productive, happy lives. I am not. The pain, regrets, grieving, guilt, anguish and suffering eat away at my being until I wonder what is the use of going on? So many, many, many mistakes. How did I let this happen? How did my choices end up causing so much damage? Choices I made thinking I was protecting my daughters, only causing me to lose all contact, and over a 20 year period, all sense of self worth, self-esteem, confidence, identity, being valuable to myself or society. Now to know, without any doubt, that no one that supposedly used to love me, even cares enough to wonder about me, wants to talk to me, will even know if I'm alive or dead. One person, one person in this whole world cares about sharing life with me, listening to me, holding me, comforting me. She still at least has some communication with her loved ones, so we are not totally alone. I need to understand what happened and connect with my loved ones again. Is it possible? Are the answers, the power to heal, truly within? Can I change my attitude, thereby, change my life? I'm willing to do the work; NEED to do the work and heal, let go, get strong and get busy living instead of existing, waiting and hoping to die. Too much negativity, not enough positivity. I have to find a way to reverse those forces and feel good about my life again. The power is inside me, but I've been struggling for so long and I'm so bone tired. Please talk to me, help me figure out how to get stronger, confident, motivated! My tendency is to be negative now, rail against how unfairly I've been treated, make everyone aware of how much they hurt me! I don't want to be this person; I want to feel peace, tranquility, gentleness. I want kindness, harmony, nature. How do I get on this path and off the just existing path I'm on? My life, as it is now, cannot continue. I must make changes to either live or die. Existing because I keep breathing is so empty. No purpose. No contact. No hope. Just breathing. Expectations not realized and a life lost to misery, heartbreak, and shattered dreams. Not being a victim. Facing facts. Taking responsibility. Finding new meaning, a new identity, a purpose to live. Find a way to put my fractured psyche, my heart, my soul, back together. I believe actualized.org has the tools, info, interst, and care necessary to help me find myself, find meaning and purpose again. Leo, thank you for being able to help everyone that has found you live more meaningful and purpose filled lives. As I get deeper into your teachings, I know I will find my way too. After reading one of your blogs, here is what I learned from your blog about the Spiral analogy and the blue phase. While people are trying to understand and identify how a person is this level or that phase, I got the feeling that there was a need to see the good in those people, that because they are unable to look internally at this phase, they are not good people. The people asking about the characters of, let's just say, "surface" people, for ease of simplicity, impress me as being unable to see the bigger picture. Yes, just because people are on different levels of consciousness, does not mean they are not good people! And self-actualization is not perfection! Perfection does not exist, but rather, is a only a level to strive for, a higher standard of living! Leo, where did so much wisdom, knowledge, compassion come from? You are truly a much needed force that society MUST listen to and apply your methodology. I have a very, very long way to go before I can feel the serenity and peace that learning your teachings and applying them to my life will bring. But I have begun this journey. Only apathy and laziness will keep me from success.

Wow! You are describing me perfectly! First thing to say, is that she needs to know how fortunate she is to have a support system, people who want to help her get better. I had only people who wanted to see me fail and suffer, who turned their backs and shut me out. Patience, kindness, understanding, love, knowing when to just listen, offer comfort, walk away from the moment, when to hold her, or give her space. But never making her feel she's suffering all alone or she doesn't deserve to be loved, that she doesn't matter. These are things my loved ones could have offered me in the way of support. Ultimately, though, she has to take responsibility for how her pysche is damaged, either figure out the causes and fix or let them go, or get stronger in spite of the damages. All you can do is continue loving her, have the patience of a saint, and hope she finds the strength from inside herself to heal. From my own experience, finding peace and serenity is much easier when the people you love are helping. You can only be supportive though, she has to do the work to become whole and in control. And it ain't easy! We, people who feel hopeless and want to give up, slip so easily into being negative. I'm looking for a purpose, something that stimulates a passion to live, not just exist, something I can see the results and say, "I did this!" I want something tangible, not another person that can disappoint or break my heart. Maybe this would help your gf? Goals are very motivating and give us something to focus on, be determined and busy. A positively focused mind is a happy mind. Help her find her passion. I do believe it's going to help me, as soon as I find something! Pat yourself on the back for loving her enough to wanna help her. And find some support for yourself. Loving someone with any kind of malidy, physical or psychological, is very taxing on your own psyche. Find an outlet that helps keep you strong for her.

Preface: I'm 61 and was introduced to the concept of self-actualization at 25. Although I have only listened sporadically to Leo's YT videos, and glanced quickly at the course he offers, which should be REQUIRED college material!!!!!, I know what he is teaching, when applied and Incorporated into the fiber of your being, is life changing. I learned at 25 what a journey becoming self-actualized is, and now, almost 40 years later, I am so THANKFUL to know Leo is teaching EVERYONE how important it is to understand ourselves FIRST, and how we can change our own world's, thereby, maybe, the whole world! So, I hope you're wondering why I compared anger to a black flower, as I'm sure it's been done before. But when I see my anger, take it out of me, put it on a shelf, the ANGER is not part of me anymore. I see a black rose, strong and erect, standing proud and tall for the whole world to challenge. That's what's above the dirt, the nasty, sewer smelling dirt that feeds my strong black rose. My black rose with hidden strong and many thorns, inviting you to trust that the beauty and rarity of my black rose is worth a closer look, a touch, take it home and nurture my black rose back into it's glorious red brillance! Change the layer of dirt into nutritional soil. Voilà ! The red rose Is so alluring and perfect once more. But what about the roots? The roots that are the main life flow that sustains and feeds this perfect rose, with the new soil, and sunlight and perfect growing conditions. The roots are still black; so black that to heal them will take a miracle. More than nice soil, sunshine, water. The roots are so black because of how much pain inflicted by all the bad dirt, nasty water, no sunshine. Some of the dirt came with the fresh clean roots, but so much dirt was caused from self-harm, wrong and bad choices/decisions; some of the rotten dirt thrown in by others with malice and ill-will because of shear non-concern or apathy; doesn't matter if my rose got damaged, the intention was to damage. The roots are long and deep, more than 60 years of growing, the last 20 years being when the roots got the most damage. These roots, these deep, black, cancerous roots! How do I HEAL these roots that are constantly being fed more filth, garbage, emotional destruction???? How do I become a beautiful red rose with strong, healthy, positive life sustaining nutrition? I need to heal my roots. I need my roots to be healthy. Can you help me Leo? Do you have the cure for my black roots? I know the answers come from inside, from dissecting my black roots and feeding them healthy, positive nutrition. Do you have the tools to help me grow new, healthy roots and feel alive again? I've lost my way. Help me get strong and be comfortable with me. Help me get rid of my black roots and black rose. I want to feel respected, trustworthy, funny! Help me Leo-one-konobe. Only you can.

I suffer from extreme outbursts when angry. Believe me, violence, even using a punching bag, definitely NOT another human!, is not the answer. It spirals the feelings of self-loathing, being ashamed that you didn't control yourself, remorse, anxiety (when will it happen again?), and a need to punish yourself or something else. I loose my temper so easily, and now, at 61, I have ONE person that is willing to help me. Being POSITIVE in EVERYTHING you do, think, say, feel, become, is the ONLY answer and cure for this horrible rage that is so deep routed, as you described, is every fiber of my being. Listen to and apply what Leo is teaching. He is so right on track that this world will transform when people see how cruel they are to others. Be positive my friend. It's very hard, and I fail ALL the time, failed today. The other side, away from the negative, is so rewarding and pleasant. Listen too and apply what is on this website and Leo's YouTube videos. Come into the light that he is offering. It all starts from inside yourself and the determination to.....CHANGE YOURSELF! Think love, think peace, think I want to feel positive. Good luck. Listen to Leo!