Javfly33

Thanks for your message. What would you recommend for me as a next step? Nowadays everything seems to have changed a lot, even though I am not yet even 10% confident and love myself as I like to be. My biggest barrier is that I feel I will lose something if I go all the way. Can I please ask you how do you feel now after you have changed? Do you feel a very different person? It's funny because we all want to change until the change is very real so real that is scary.

I used to do Yoga and some meditation but quit like 2-3 months ago since I discovered I had to "clean my basic self" before trying to reach higher states. I think journalling might be a good idea, going to try that.

Yeah, thing is, right now I don´t love/accept myself enough to actually go to a psychologist. So...I have to work a little bit more in order to even begin there.

I open this thread to tell you about my recent experience about No Fap, because in my case I think it´s more especial than the usual ones and probably some people could benefit of reading this (Parental Advisory: The story has a twist at the end and for some It might hurt your eg NoFap, NoPorn, and improvements in my confidence and less anxiety around people: So I´ve been on the "no porn" train since more than 2 years ago. I have practised NoFap here and there, but my main and only focus has been abstaining from porn. My reason was mainly because I´ve never had a girlfriend, (I was a virgin, still am) , haven´t had much friends all my life, and the porn content I was using (I´ll abstain from details since this is not a nofap forum), it felt like It was particularly hurting my confidence and for me seemed very mentally unhealthy. Soon I discovered that abstaining from porn and a little of abstaining from masturbating did a major improvement in being so much calm and confident around people, BUT, it was clear that it wasn´t a magic pill not a long while ago I discovered that while it did improved anxiety and confidence there the root of my anxiety couldn´t be PORN. At least not totally. Introducing Psychedelics and laser-focused introspection into the recipe: About 1 month ago, I have started doing very small doses of psychedelics, every 2-3 weeks, with a strong set and setting of introspection. The reason of a small dose it´s simple: I am doing into the experience in the sole intention of discovering/talk about uncomfortable and things I feel shame for, so I know if I do a normal/medium dose the trip might be way to hard for me to digest (i´ve only done two so far but the results have been amazing): This means that I will dose very very little so I will be totally free of managing what I want to do/have normal conversations/etc but I will have: 1- An ego reduction of my brain activity so I will be less afraid to be talking about "uncomfortable" stuff about myself. 2- Introspection, classic of psychedelics, in my case I choose LSD. 3- An importance about the things I am talking/thinking/listening during the experience, because it´s going to be things about myself, I will be more focused and care a lot about what I can discover. (I think this got particularly amplified since I dosed the day/ days after having "relapsed" into porn, where I usually start thinking again about what things I am doing wrong and what is not working and also I get particularly emotional (kind of sad, let it be said) This is part of the strong set and setting! ) What I discovered in the last experience about my pornography use and how I understand it now: So what happened in my last experience. I got the idea of watch some Leo old video´s which are more "ground to earth" . I stumbled upon the video "how to handle your emotions" or something like this. I follow the visualization/exercise, and when it finished it let me thinking about emotions yeah... So after that I open my porn of choice. I become fully and totally consciouss that my porn use is surrounded by emotions. In the experience of watching the porn on small dose of LSD, I followed Leo´s advice and I became a "super-conductor" of emotions instead of rejecting and defend myself from them. The experience was interesting, it felt like i have been running all of this 2 years from actually facing what I felt when I watched that porn that made me aroused but afterwards made me so shameful. I didn´t discovered much else, basically that emotions was the key know to discover what the fuck is wrong with me. So 2 days pass and I have "urges" to watch porn again. After all of this time, if at day 2 urges come up i wouldn´t have any problem whatsover on letting them pass, but something feels wrong in avoiding uncomfortable emotions. I want to go watch porn again and stay mindful again what i am feeling. I do it, and the porn doesn´t feel like it hurts me anymore. This might sound very fucking strange. ¿What the fuck man, porn its supposed to be pleasureable, you say you suffered while watching porn? Well, not exactly, it is enjoyable because it is arousing, but after so much time being aware (trying) of what I am seeing, you start to see what you are doing to yourself and trust me, part is arousing part is painful. But not so much anymore. This time I am just seeing and feeling what is there. Then I masturbate. Then the shame it´s almost not there anymore. I see that I have been lying myself all my life and have been maintening an identity of confidence that actually didn´t correspond at all with my actions in life. This type of porn i was taling about, it threatened that identity. It threatened my "I am confident" identity. That is why it hurt so much. That is why I was avoiding it with so much effort. Basically, by being minful, porn showed me what I was scared of. Of seeing the part that I dont like about myself and even couldn´t even take a peek never in my life because it hurt to my ego too much. In fact I always considered my self as a guy with "high self-esteem". To that point goes self-delusion to protects one´s identity!! I started meditation 3 years ago, I have had some self-inquiry moments that felt spiritual, I had had a yoga experience where I lost myself for some minutes, but let me tell you, I haven´t been more scared in my life than ever now. You know what happens when you spend all of your life maintining and identity that you are confident and amazing, and you are exactly almost the contrary? Then you realize that. In about 2 weeks. This actually really feels like myself is dying. Now I am really grateful I did spiritual exercises in the past, It feels it´s going to be more easy to let go. I guess my persona is ready to die.

After 1 month of serious consciouss introspection about my social anxiety/anxiety in general... I just became consciouss, totally sober, totally clear that I have anxiety because in my mind I let the other person define my value. For example If i want to say something I have catched my mind just thinking in how that other person will value what I am saying/doing, and depeding what I think that person will think, I will do that action/speak that idea or not. I dont live 100% my time like this but basically this is where it comes my lack of "groundlness", of self-love, in me. How do I fix that, I am 24years old so its like maybr 12 years of programming my mind of acting like this. THere´s no doubt for me know that If i dont switch this my life will become a mess even more and I´ll end up in a serious addiction once the emotional pain and lack-of self love gets even bigger. I have become more and more aware that I am constantly distracting from emotional sensations that just speak up about how afraid I am and that I dont have power, that my perspective is not powerful, that is what it feels to not love and respect your perspective but i just recently found out, 24 years i´ve been living un-aware of this just some years ago wondering why i felt like a particular way in some situations but i didnt have a clue that it was this serious, please help.

I wonder why in Spirituality there is a (justified) habit of keeping open-minded to nearly everything, except...suicide. I remember Leo said in one blog post that suicide was Ego selfish act, I would want to know why. I can´t see why suicide is a ego selfish act and improving your life using other´s resources (for example) isn´t. Please don´t understand this as an encouragement for suicide! It´s not. I´m just trying to have a interesting (i hope) discussion that in other online sites i surely couldn´t because it probably would be censored/banned.

I have very clear that I don't want to keep playing the game of chasing things (including self-devopment) and creating new problems and desires. I have been doing it all my life and to be honest I can't see my mind stopping this game anytime soon. No matter how much I try to balance myself, I already seen my bullshit ego creating more delusion and problems to keep itself alive. I am young (recently 24years old) but I think I'm pretty certain I wouldn't be miserable meditating for the rest in my life in a cave. In fact there's some kind of intuition that tells me this life I'm supposed to live it like that, finally letting go of the material game of life and going full deep into truth and silence. I work in software development since not a long time ago and until recently I have this plan of keep learning more of the industry to have a business of my own related to conscious leaving or either not conscious but that make enough money and go retire to go 100% into the spirituality ( but this is obviously very rare to happen). But to be honest this can take lots of time and nothing guarantee me that it won't be another self delusion to keep playing the game of the mind. I don't see why when I have my business there will be any difference and my mind won't create problems or stories to excuse into not going to pursue/stay in truth totally. So what is the other option. Where are really places that you can practice spirituality and for an exchange of some work they can provide with the place and food. I don't want to go to a Buddhist monastery lol. There isn't something more modern/adapted to the world of now that can provide you with this?

Don´t get me wrong, In terms of leaving traumas behind, obssesions, stories that you create in your mind, points of view...etc I have gotten tremendous value from psychedelics to cut a lot of my bullshit, in terms of introspection I am very, very in awe to psychedelics, I don´t know how fucked up I would be if i haven´t done some trips in my youth, since still my personality is not healthy as I would like, I imagine I still will benefit from them in the future in this aspect. However now even If I am very serious about becoming awake I am still plan my future, I still have plans to my future business, then why the hell for example I would do 5-MeO-DMT in this stage of my life (i haven´t tried that one yet), have an eye-opening experience but then...will my ego really abandon his plans after whatever non-dual experience I will get? No. I think psychedelics for spiritual purposes are great: For people who haven´t got a clue what an altered state of consciousness is and doing it by "sober" methods would maybe take them years (Yoga, meditation, etc). Then this way they can actually start their practice/their spiritual path because they have seen this is not just words or concepts. For people who can actually "call it a day" to everything in its life, don´t have any real plans to the future, they are retired, etc...and can really go deep, submit all the way with the direction that the psychedelic experience can give you. For the rest of us, I wonder, what´s the point in doing something as strong as 5-MeO-DMT (or big doses of other classic psychedelics?) Don´t you are a playing a kind of game there?

yeah, acid is also like this for me too. Can´t get spiritual even if i try on it lol.

I´m very irregular. I had a year with tremendous grow where i trip 4-5 times, then there´s a lot of time ago since i dont do them and I feel stagnated in life tbh. But its been so much time the stuff scares me a little bit and i end up "procrastinating"

Or at least, if this is not hell, if this is not negative then why I would imagine it to be it? I just make a summary about my life and I realize I have been creating a story, each day, each hour, each minute, each second maintaining that story alive. Why would I do that? I don´t mean precisely the fact that consciousness created an identity."I" know that. Ok, I am trying to wake up from that dream. The dream of nothingness mistakenly confusing his identity for "a person". Waking up would mean liberation, sure. But what about what had happened until know? And please don´t say "the past doesn´t exist, you are creating your memories right now" Because sure, I don´t need to go to the past. Right now. Right now this moment I feel I am not in power. This experience is not being felt from a perspective of power and control. Yet everything tells I have to be the only who created all of this (the world of forms, of concepts, of stories) in the first place. Who/What is the one who is the only one alive right now? I have been trying to "search" for the Source, but the source is just nothing. I want to know the one who is in power, the one who created the story and still maintain it alive. Surely nothingness can´t. Nothigness doesn´t do anything. I´ve been there. It´s a beatiful place but what about my word.

Shit, i´ve been trying to do this but I think I have always been doing the number 3. But i can´t see different between number 2.... What do you mean "replace it on said pan". Sorry because english is not my first language

So far I have realized this meditation just 2 times, and the results have been amazing. I have done it only 11 minutes, the recommended minimum time, and I have experienced spontaneous physical movements, sometimes violent but nothing to worry about. In this meditation there´s a point in which you transition from being "You" chanting and meditating, to just your body be taken by something. I am not saying I am channeling an "entity", but that there comes a point in which the "You" is no longer "You", is just a part of the experience. An observation arises of the one who is chanting. In that moment I can´t say "I" am chanting. There´s something chanting the mantra. I´d like to know if there´s anyone here who practice this meditation and what else can tell me, it seems an interesting meditation and I will keep on doing it.

Solipsism, fear that I am alone in my experience and there´s nobody and nor will be to "attest" or "justify" my experience. If I would let go of it I probably would solve 90% of my problems, but hey its a big step. Total responsability, you know?

Good luck. Wheter you make it or not, you sure as hell will learn something. And hey, New York is great in the summer

Since I tried psychedelics one thing that strucked me is how so unestable your reality is under the influence of it. With similar but maybe less potent substances also this feeling is very palpable. When I am on them I always think how I know that the experience and perspective I have on drugs is deluded and the sober life is the "right one". The fact that the sober life is stable, is what makes me feel still that the sober life is "the truth" and experiences with drugs is delusion. However this is not be confused with rare puntual spiritual moments of psychedelics or similar substances. I don´t think those are/are not a delusion more than life might be. Sometimes I feel this "stability" is a creation the Ego creates to keep himself and his story alive. However this seems too insane to be true. Because for this to be true Ego had to be doing this 100% of the times, always. There´s not a moment that you comedown from a drug, and you are not back into your old-sober view. Only something that is natural and the truth could be this reliable, don´t you think? So perspective under sober life must be more Truth than perspective under substance use. ---Sorry this might have to be moved to the Spirituality subforum, but I was not sure where to post this since this subforum is also about Philosophy.

stop trolling and try go start building your life Actually an LSD trip maybe would be good for you but don´t do more than 150ug lol

Yes, as far as I know, basically my main "fetish" only exists in Twitter. There´s quite people/models who basically make a living out of just doing that. Sharing particular content and particular services basically only inside Twitter, or similar apps. Not going to say which is here publicly however, because I dont think its the place haha, and also because i don´t consider it "my fetish" anymore.

And I don´t know if its the correct one. I don´t know if this might be delusional and that is why I need your insight for this. I am beggining to realize, more and more, that in order to: 1. Be able to express myself freely in front of others, 2. Don´t judge myself/my decision in regards to what other people might think of me, or particularly, how they might affect them (obviously not taking it to the extreme, but that´s why I have a rational brain, I don´t mean "you want to piss in somebody´s face, go ahead and do it"). That in order to do that, I have to ground myself in my experience. I only had one big, very intense insight one day where for some hours, I was nearly all free of judgements and anxiety-free in front of my father, whom I have behaved around all most of my life scared, not freely, and constantly my mind asking "permission" to the other person´s perspective (imagining , of course), before actually doing my action, whatever it would be. Now, when situations where I feel I am not being authentic to my self arise, I feel, after all of this time, that I have actually have a choice! This choice means listening to me, ground in my experience, feel that "this" is the one who is now living this experience, and go ahead with that. But in doing it arises a very large fear of being ALONE, of, if this works, and it does, it just feels like a rabbit hole that if i go all of the way, woah, a lot of my perspective is going to be dramatically different. Feels like Solipsism. TO be honest i have been suffering some kind of Solipsism monkey-mind talk for a long time since I started taking Spirituality serious (like doing a lot of practice) And then I could become delusional and start behaving totally like a madman. And I would be alone in my experience. I always have been, but. This feels like more real.

You´re not going to be in a state of MDMA loving&Kidness because you are an Ego trying to survive, and survival being can´t love everything lol is not good for survival. However as Leo said, Kriya or Kundalini Yoga where heart chakras are awakened (metaphorical or really, at this point, there are just concepts and the bottom line is if they make a difference in your life or not, and they do) is your best bet. Also because in this way you will developing your love and empathy on a progressive, coherent level. MDMA and similar empathogenic drugs are great for discovering points of view similars of psychedelics, but, even if you could be on an eternal high of m it wouldn´t be very good since that love would be "forced" since deep in the inside you really don´t love or understand empathy.

Lol if you think Twitter is destructive, try Twitter porn. I am not that "addicted" to surf twitter "porn" but when I did, I remember if I would be like 7 days withouth entering twitter, the dopamine boost was so fucking high I got body temblors. I am serious, not metaphoric, my body would shake of excitement at how much dopamine clicks it have ahead of it.

Thanks for the tips. Some of them I find them quite useful. However the CSS one made me laugh...like anyone knows how to code CSS, right?

If you use it following a minimum of safety use (3, 4 times a year ideally maximum) it won't cause you depression. But you used it WEEKLY for 2 years and now it results it's the drugs fault lmao Although I agree with you in the effects, it's probably not as special nor profound as psychedelics. However you have to take in mind that when use almost anything very regularly, it stops working they way it should. Like if you do acid each week too it won't give you insighful trips for ever.

There is an research chemical similar to Mdma, not sure if you would find it as helpful as mdma, but having only tried this one myself, I find depending on the "set and setting" there's almost no hangover/crash the day after.

With responsible use, on a healthy brain, there's no evidence still of neurotoxicity (or at least, significant neurotoxicity, alcohol can be neurotoxic too but everything is in about moderation) Although if you refer to drugs in general, yes, probably almost ant drug **can** harm the brain and cause serious mental problems