Javfly33

Damn reading that post got me thinking. I don´t if it´s exactly harm anxiety but I feel I could ask what you think about this. Because Yesterday I went to the Therapist and she brought up my relationship with a person in the past, which made me remember (internally, I didn´t tell her about it) about something I did on the past. Well, more than "something I did", "something I carefully planned to do" but luckily I didn´t and now I´m way pass of it. Basically something related to the extremes of that harm anxiety you talk about about a mother wanting to kill her child. It´s been years and I had totally turn the page because I´m totally different person now but yesterday after coming home I had this insidious fear about what If I end up telling it to somebody to relieve myself or some shit and they will see me as a terrible bad person. I mean, I know I have 0 interest in telling anybody. It´s just that I have begun from yesterday to have this insiduous thoughts about "what If I end up telling it omg. Now I am going to have this insidious impulse of fear of telling it. Shit I might actually tell it to relieve the feeling". Something like what you say in here lol: Btw, Amazing journal bro, keep it going! Better than reading a book

@VeganAwake Do you have goals nowdays or you just enjoy yourself Being?

@Bill W Luckily I didn't tell her much about it. However I am lucky because she's into meditation/mindfulness stuff so even though she don't have a clue about how deep it goes at least we are a little bit "in-tune" in this sense

Today I did a very low dose of a psychedelic early in the morning (10am). I had Therapy in the evening (8PM) so I thought it could be helpful to allow me to be open minded + receptive by the time of the afterglow. What I didn't expect is that I would Awake to I AM (to THIS, my true nature) from about 13pm to ~7pm. It wasn't a total AWAKENING. There wasn't bliss or non-dual awareness but clear freedom of choice between identifying with the mind or staying in I AM/This/TheNow. Fears would arise but nobody would identify with them. Ha! TheNow don't depend on the mind. TheNow had a "fun time" actually seeing that "I" am a total fiction and each one of my problems are created by loop-thought stories which make sense who @Javfly33 is. Anyway, I just came back from therapy and had an interesting time. I learned stuff but overall the final sensation I have now is that absolutely don't know shit about the world. I feel that there's no ground whatsoever, because apart from the sensation that a glimpse of Awakening gives you, also not even my false self is grounded because now his beliefs are being questioned too. This work is brutal.i just want to advice, if you mix psychedelics with introspection/therapy work, the result can be very very strong. Is tearing me apart . Although I'm less scared now that I see that the one who says "it's scary where this is going bro " is JUST a mental internal chatter that is intended to construct a "ground" to reality. There's no ground, though. Just THIS This who says "it's tearing me apart" it's actually me listening to fear and believing it. It just another story of @Javfly33 THIS doesn't have fear. Fun day I guess!

At least 80% . Or that´s what ego says at least

@michaelwat Ey me too, buddy

I think that Leo has still a very niche audience, I don't know how much JRE audience would listen with open ears what Leo would say in the show.

Recently I´ve been obssesed about accepting myself + being authentic to actually feel powerful and withouth anxiety in any conversation. What I observed today about myself was scary. I went out shopping groceries on fridays night to the mall and i saw this friend that was just coming from there and he was going home and we talk a bit. Anyway, at one point in the conversation, we said ask ourselves something as "how it is going?" and I had this autentic thought that wanted to say : "Well, I just started going to therapy" But, no. Of course not I didn´t say it. I´m such a fucking devil lmao. Because again I was protecting my identity of being "cool" and scared of my own judgement about myself! (because really, nobody can actually judge you, only you can, you just project your own judgements onto other people). At the end of the conversation I even lied some more and I said "well, i gotta go, i have to meet somebody". Fuck´s sake´s i swear sometimes I don´t know what to do with my own bullshit. How to get out of this? This devilry? This neurotic ego-centric identity that just won´t fucking go away? I just started meditating again, doing 2 hours. Going to add Yoga too, just going to try to surrender all of my neuroticism and fears to see If the ego just surrender for one time and for all. Psychedelics used to go very very well for annihilating my own bullshit/egocentric neuroticism (in fact i got out of a big big obsessive behaviour some years ago thanks to them) but I am not able right now to do them properly. (I share flat + lack of money to do a retreat) I don´t know, I just see my only problem is myself and my self-centerness , but I can´t seem to get out of this "position". It feels like if i do I will "lose" myself. It feels that no matter what I do since I´m always such egocentric I never will surrender my bullshit. Except for practices that erase my ego, of course. But tradicional practices (meditation, etc) seems still not potent enough for my devilry. It only starts getting better when it passes a long time and lots of suffering after then the ego doesn´t have "Other choice" but slowly change/let go, but I would like to solve my bullshit before I am 80 years old, to be honest.

@Serotoninluv Yes. I feel now I'm going the "opposite extreme" and actually feeling like I have to share everything (coming from not sharing almost anything). However, I'd swear that, apart from what you said that I think you are very right, I basically not comfortable really with other people because I feel I need to "hide" something. @Nahm Thanks friend. Yes I'm confused. I know I am not all of this thoughts but somehow I feel the second-self has to go through healing. It just feels right, idk. For example today I got feelings of intense despair and the thoughts wouldn't stop, I wanted to "fix myself" however at the same time " I couldn't sort it out how" therefore I started just letting go of those thoughts which obviously felt terrible as you said and un-useful and I focused in the breathing for a long time. This is the way right? I think what I'm having a difficult time (but obviously they are great news, it's just shocking at first) is actually accepting that all of this is going to resolve without "effort" in a way. @remember I hope I'm scared of changes but anyway, the one who is scared is always the same. That which maintains and identity for then be revealed as non-existent.

@Beginner Mind OMG. Then go for it! I would do it if I were in your shoes.

Sure it's possible, the question is are you willing to surrender your "egoic consciousness" hehe. I surely could leave as an awareness if I'd meditate 12 hours a day. But I'm a willing to surrender all my desires and fears to do that? Not yet definitely. Most of us aspire to be as consciouss as we can while remaining in society

Yeah, the goal is to live as Awareness and switch into person-hood if you consider there's something interesting to do with your body and mind at a particular situation.

We need more of this hardcore-just the facts Sadghuru. Nice!

I'm Soo happy for you dude!! Keep it going! I also have started meditating again and I am seeing some profound changes in all directions...after all if you are not constantly maintaining an identity, the mind/body is actually pretty intelligent and can surprise you giving you a good life ;))

@Serotoninluv Mhh. Not really. I mean yeah I can like a painting but definetely as you said no in the same way of intensity/desire. Well this "something" that I am missing seems like a "creation" of something that could be possible, yet that I've never experienced. I guess it is just another story in the mind, but I'm just shocked why it's such a strong one. Why I can't let it go as the other ones. For example is like the rest of thoughts is letting go of a simple chocolate, and this other one is like letting go of cocaine if you are a cocaine adddict.

Hi, this might sound for some people a "not a big problem" but it has caused me some serious damage in my peace the last 6 years. (The first two years been hell, the next three subsiding until not feeling this thoughts at all unless very particular occasions) The thing that worries me, is that I thought I had completely let go of this type of thoughts but today the mind again triggered this thoughts. I gotta say, I've started meditating again, so thoughts are easier than ever to let them go. I know I AM in the breath, as I AM in the thoughts. However this particular ones, which today arised, I absolutely lose the battle with them. I can not let them go. I won't. The source of this thoughts (but not sure if the cause, or if they were before in my mind/soul) is that some years ago I met a girl and I became obsessed with her. Everything about her I loved/idealized. The problem is I projected also this idealization towards everything she did or place she went etc. That cause serious pain. Everytime I thought about her or anything related with her, my mind would see it as an amazing thing, that indeed was amazing and I couldn't get it. However, I must say I have transcended my obsession or idealization with this girl a long time ago already. If I think about her now, which I rarely do, I see her as a normal person as me and I don't consider it's activities more special than mines. BUT, it seems this strange idealization energy IS STILL INSIDE ME. Today I saw walk by a girl which I already have seen a couple of times, and Bum, again the thoughts of intense idealization. I don't even know the girl. I just saw her 3 times and I find her attractive but nothing too crazy. However tonight I find myself having this crazy thoughts again, this thoughts say something like this: "This girl is absolutely special and this is like gold, you don't know what is but this girl is truly incredible and amazing and while everything else in reality is "normal" and all beings have normal value, this girl is absolutely out of that scale and actually you are incomplete and your losing something essential because you don't have what she has". The fact that my mind tells me that there's something out there with incredible valuable and super special drives me nuts. Rationally I know it doesn't make sense. However this thoughts are absolutely strange in it's nature. They acquire a reality of 100% even if they are fucking stupid. And also they come with incredible pain as "this is something amazing of reality that you are missing". It's like If I be a cocaine addict and suddenly the mind is saying me that there's this thing that is x100 better than cocaine and i can't get it.

Yesterday I remembered that when I was kid, maybe when I had 6-7 years old, and I didn't have a clue (obviously) about anything about spirituality or consciousness, I had a sort of intuition for consciousness. The intuition I am referring is that when I used to think about Death, I remember not being able to imagine how death could be possible. I used to had this sort of intuition that no matter how much I would be dead, this "Thing" that was alive (I think I was referring to the Self that is aware) couldn't be possible to this to die. That always must be "alive" and I couldn't imagine how this "Thing" that was alive in my experience could not be alive always. I couldn't imagine how it wou Of course by that time I was not referring to my physical body, I think I was referring to Awareness itself! I have totally lost it by now. Now of course if I think about death, I might get scared. Even though I've had some experiences of the Self / Awareness, I recall to memory + belief to "ground me" in that the Self / Awareness will never die. It has a taste of belief, not intuitive, relaxed, truth like the one I had when I was a child. When I was child even if I could try to imagine being dead I couldn't haha. Anybody remembers having this "intuition" when they were a child? Do you guys have an idea how to try to "invoke" this feeling? I imagine that this totally got lost with years and years of materialistic brainwashing + attachment to beliefs and ego, but oh men, this work is getting more interesting each day. I guess we see little kids and we think they are dumb but maybe they know more about life than the majority of adults do ?

@Aaron p Hi, can you tell me more about using Ketamine for consciousness work? I haven´t used it much and the times I had i´ve found it yeah a little bit habit-forming and addictive in lower-medium doses. Also it didn´t felt like it had the laser introspection or awareness as psychs. However, and out of the blue, I experienced this last time I used it last week: Which made me wonder if maybe had more potential of what I thought it had. I gotta say the previous day I´ve had done a very small amount of lsd and had some glimpses of high consciousness (but very very subtle), so probably the interaction was also the reason it happened. However I still mindblowed by how little small amount I took and had the experience I did.

I absolutely agree with everything you've said but only because I recognize that my journey is has not ended, at all. There are peak experiences, and then there is embodiment of what you experience into your daily life. I might be a dreamer, but I like to think that embodying it is having a gun pointed at you and actually don't feel any fear (although, of course, I imagine basic fear response in the body will still happen). If you do, then the ego in the inside still believes it story. Still is not consciouss. I guess this level of achievement is very high, but this doesn't mean that you won't be at peace even if you haven't reach this level. It's just a goal to keep silencing the mind more and more and let the Truth shine light into the dark delusion of the separate self.

So, to make things sort, I went out to the city and saw a girl which I know, I don't know why but this girl and one previous which I "fell in love" with, triggered/triggers me some levels of emotional pain which I couldn't put into words to just being "emotions" or "feelings" or "thoughts". IDK, I imagine is a complex mechanism of the mind and a mixture of the three of the above mixes to create a sort of really fucked up momentarily sensations which overtake absolutely my mind while it lasts. Over the time I've learned it has to be something related to low self-esteem and more conceptual neurosis of the identity, but while learning about it has given me some space and understanding, I've seen it hasn't make the "trigger" go away at all. The thing is, I couldn't handle anymore to accept how reality could produce such levels of unexplainable emotional pain inside a person. Like how the hell reality can create such strange-impossible to label emotions. So what I started to do is I surrender. I absolutely knew this couldn't be possible, even though this feeling when it arises feels as real as a chair or the color blue of the sky, I just knew this wasn't possible. So I started saying -I AM NOT THE BODY - I AM NOT EVEN THE MIND I went on for about 20 minutes straight. As the minutes went by I started to focus more on. The I AM. The I AM came with vibration. You have to realize than when this "emotions" arise , the last thing your ego wants you to is to actually let go and focus on some kind of meditation of mantra. The mind is fucking begging you to please look how real this feelings and emotions that I'm showing to you are so real! Look at this! Come here and suffer you son of a bitch! But No!! I know Love is within me! So I continue, I AM I AM..etc And then I got it. ---- + For a second everything FELT ACTUALLY FINE . My awareness INCLUDED those awful emotions into ISNESS For a second a sensation that always arised a lot of pain the last year's, WASNT PAINFUL!! IT wasn't bad! I think this is what happend: By staying in I AM (my true nature) I stepped out of the biased mind, and saw that a "negative emotion" is only negative WITHIN THE MIND!!!!! WOW! You can actually see things unbiased! In the unbiased world there's no 'bad things!! I GOOOOT IT. HAHA I wonder how is to live in this state 24/7 if staying in it for 2 seconds it's like touching the gates of heaven. My true nature rocks And yours too :))

@Nahm I was just sorting that out too

Well unfortunately it´s still the mayority of people attitude towards psychs. Recreation and fun. We here in actualized.org live in a bubble lol

I think you should be allright starting very slow. I mean sure yeah you could try weed but it´s not like it´s going to give you a understanding of an actual psychedelic trip. Not to say that weed can´t be strong, because it definetely can, but just saying, that I don´t think that you need it.

Hahaha I don´t know man but that made me laugh although I´ll tell you i wouldn´t be surprised if number 2) and 3) is correct

@Nahm I' m always trying my best to get it but you guys talk like in hieroglyphics... Although I know is the only way to go, since the map is not the territory, explicit words could never point out what I need to discover ?