Javfly33

Ok so before you say anything i know this is fucked Up What Im going to say, But regardless how fucked Up It is, this where "Im at" and would like insight in how could i stop feeling this way. So basically i was scrolling Twitter and i found a Girl I've been talking to recently, a second account of her which is oriented to Ask for payments for things. Clothing, drinks, sometimes this Girls even Ask payments for the condoms she going to use with his bf ???. The thing is, discovering that she was getting easy money from betas made me SO bitter and jelous. I used to do this too so that maybe didnt help. (I talked with this Girl for free since a long time, shes a stunner ok) Long story short, i got so hard while this feeling of bitterness and hate and envy was arising, that i couldnt hold It anymore and i said, fuck It, and i cum to the screenshots of the PayPal payments she recently received. The fact that in the screenshot description theres usually a text of the Girl lauging of how "loser" the Guy he payed her is, also makes me even more bitter/hateful. The PayPal payment of 100€ especially was really hurtful ( she also had others of smaller amounts of recent days that easily amounted to maybe ~80€, But those are more normal. But 100€? Cmon!!). Why i feel so envy jealous bitter and hateful of this Lucky girls ? Why i Dont feel the same way of drug dealers, exxon mobile CEO, Donald Trump, etc if they are more ruthless people and make way lots more money?? And especially WHY THE FUCK I cum AND GET HARD to that feeling?? Which is basically "negative"(bitterness, envy, hate,etc)

No. You just belief yourself that after watching too many actualized and non dual philosophy.

@Adamq8 thanks my man really appreaciate It ??

This. In regards What you say about lower stage and Consciousness, i Dont think its about that. I think its simply about this guys that are commenting here that they say cumming its essential they just have had too much sex in their lives (remember Leo has said he has approached thousands of Girls) so they just Dont get any proper pleasure just with fucking and they have to get to the climax for them to feel something intense enough. But for normal (not PUAs) i think we Dont give much importance to ejaculating.

Im a guy and i Dont agree What you guys saying about that its so important for the guys pleasure to cum. Honestly its the worst part for me since It means the fun its about to be over ??‍♂️?

@Adamq8 you probably wont believe this, But at the end of the fucking. The Pain was so unbearable, that i actually said "fuck It, Im going to enjoy It" and i actually fucked myself in the ass while jerking myself off, thinking i was the Girl imagining i was being fucked. Im not gay, But when you Dont fuck in Life, Life fucks you. Sometimes you have to learn to enjoy It. It was one of my best jerk offs of my Life. Yeah i have started to find groups to go out and approach. With some luck i Will be Able to trascend this painful phase in a couple of years if Im Lucky.

@Emerald Thank youuu ??

Hehehehe, oh if i knew.... Not very long ago I heard wall to wall how my i Girl i started liking was fucked for over an hour. To .make things even more juicy It happeend when i was at the comedown of AN acid trip... Honestly i Dont know if that was good or bad, if made the acceptance more easy or not, i defintely rolled through the bed several times in Pain ?

I Dont know. @mandyjw I Guess I want to know What i want ??

Idk i used to feel this way occasionally (envy) 5 years ago when i met this Girl. The i forgot her and It passed, But the thing that feeling was before discovering the fetish itself

@Emerald I Hope you can provide me with some insight here girl

I must confess, i am dissappointed with the results of my spiritual work regarding Truth. In regards to self development, spiritual work has turned to be quite useful. Even though i still suffer from daily anxiety, I feel less anxious and serious overall in the Big picture. Some deep trips have also developed in myself an strange skill of connecting and socializing just naturally with people. Sometimes i take for granted this, so its time time to say thanks. However in the purely Truth related aspect: -1. I do not know What reality is. -2. I do not know What am really am. -3. I do not know if my personal story is real or not (did my father really existed? Or i imagined my father body and additionally i imagined that he had a POV (he died last year) to really Lost myself in this hallucination) -4. If my father was real, why i cant remember my fathers POV since I am God. Blabla. You now the drill, this are same questions over and over that i had from the beggining and they have NOT dissapeared or solved after many years of - 1. Actualized videos - 2. Actualized forum -3. Meditation -4. Non dual literature -5. Of course Psychedelics. Overall i woudl do It again 10/10 (particularly that orgasm of pure love with everyone on 5-meo Lol) but honestly saying "those questions just come from the ego", "you are just a wave in the ocean" , "you are not real", "you are Nothing/awareness" doesnt fill my curiosity!! So What? Its there any point anymore in having Hope of answering this questions? It really bugs me that i cant really answer What reality is FULLY while i am living IN reality. I find hard to believe that its not possible. But at the other Hand I've tried a lot and i feel i am 1000miles far from truth as always.

@Nahm yes nahn i have realized several times that i am awareness behind the thoughts, and believing them to be an "i" creates the false story of ",i" having a personal past etc. Buuuut, i do live daily Life in that state of Consciousness.. How can you maintain a job, goals etc withouth personal story? I mean i get What you Mean But Im not sure if its possible to be there except in meditation retreats and so on.. Once you go back to material Life (aka paying the bills, maybe being concerned about your family, etc) a minimal level of Fear sets in and therefore you are always trapped in thoughts as long as you keep playing that survival Game (not talking about you, i mean my experience)

Yeah But how come i cant get myself to verify that as Absolutely True. It could be possible that my father is a dream character i imagined, But i Dont see how i could ever verify that? What if he was really real? How would i know?

How you think other " real drugs" work? Lmao

@QandC can you give some examples of her irrational fears and delusions? Im curious

Good luck!!! Be strong and positive. You can do this.

Yeah, It is definetely how It felt after doing psychedelics during the years of living comfortably on my parents house, and then enter the labour market , i had to behave like "i didnt saw anything Lol" its also shocking when i realized how far away our current society is from working congruent to conscious levels and knowledge that Psychedelics give. Its like you have to go back 1000 years to the past and forget everything high conscious you have learned to be Able to function correctly so you Dont get abused and manipulated by your peers, etc

Jesus. Yeah i am verifying that the first few years I've started working and i didnt wanted to accept What i was apparently seeing, that nearly all facets of my Life Will take a lot of time and tremendous effort to master and making a living on ones owns terms its rare and very difficult. It just seemed so brutal i thought i wasnt understanding things right. But now i see everybody is wage slave around me nobody knows about non duality selfishness its normal, survival at any terms its the whats acceptable for most people and yeah, this is the jungle holy shit

Why most americans are just Big? Im sure you guys Dont even hit the gym

I have to offer Leo, i just find very difficult to find the free time, energy and Focus to materialize that Creative skill.

Yeah!!

One month ago when i was on vacation on my hometown, i had such a tremendous time, i started to work on my LP and i had such a good time. But i have came back to work and now its not the same. In my free time i am not Able to work on my LP. Not because of time (although its a thing) But because i am not relaxed enough. I have some overall Fear in my karmic sistem that i had not when i am on vacations on my hometown, that makes me very challenging doing anything than its not basic things like groceries, going out to have a drink, etc. Since i started working a full time job abroad, when i have vacations, ITS AMAZING. I value so much the freedom, and particularly the lack of release of cortisol, because once i start working my stress levels go up and even though when i clock out obviously i disconnect, the rest of the day i am NOT in the same state of freedom/peacufelness as i am on vacations. My sistem (body/mind) is not working properly. I am not reaching peacufelness Joy states in my free time that are neccesary for me to create my profound and complex LP.

What is really dramatic is rationalizing how God can be you and at the same time cry like a stupid dumb Guy. My ver: if you were God , you wouldnt suffer, so my bet is, you are a part of God, but you are not really God

For me, this Truth realization thing is more or less as having confidence/self esteem. No Matter how much you read, watch, learn, think, go to a coach, or whatever, Nobody can ever Tell you "you are fine as you are", because that would be outsourcing your confidence and esteem to others. That would be thinking again that your confidence or self love is in anyway conditional to What you say or do. Confidence or self esteem is blind faith. Blind love. Lol. So i see Truth as the same. Nobody can ever verify for me that i have realized Truth. I Will not be Able to verify that my awakening is legit EVER. Why? Because that would Mean that i am outsourcing the truth to another person/Guru. And they could be wrong. But, in the other Hand, is the same problem. Because if Truth could be this thing outside of me, then it would be possible to verify It. I would just have to "go outside" my subjetive experience and bias, and CHECK TRUTH! (More or less like science likes to brag about). But i cant. Never. Only i can decide What IS truth. My authority is total and final. And that is terryfing. That means i Will not ever be Able to verify the truth of existence. Ill have always to take the realization or discovery of the true nature of reality as a leap of faith. A guessing. You CAN ALWAYS doubt It. Because here you are, Alone in your own authority. Nobody can verify It for you Lol. Quite the mindfuck. Truth is not posible. Until you Tell yourself It is.( In that case that would be you assuming that truth is possible)