Hi everyone, I'm a 31 year old male from Scotland. This is my second post on this forum. I'm looking for some help with some things in my life so I'm gonna tell you a bit about myself and hopefully you can relate and edify me.
So I've watched between 50-100 of Leo's videos. A lot of the stuff he talks about I already knew, but I've also learned a lot from him. He's a great teacher.
I've been on the spiritual path since I was 16 after having an out of body experience. It inspired me to attempt astral projection which I was never particularly successful at. When I went to university I read a lot about spirituality. I felt an amazing sense of oneness with the world and walked about in a state of pure bliss, just taking in the beauty of the world. I was also at the time experimenting with psychoactives, such as cannabis, MDMA, and salvia. Sometimes I could literally see the connection between EVERYTHING, and it was beautiful. However, things took a turn for the worse. The drugs brought out a lot of previously unconscious material and I started getting extremely paranoid and depressed. I heard voices once, and started researching schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. I had to move back home to my parents and eventually got kicked out due to my angry outbursts. I was furious with the emotional abuse my family had inflicted upon me. I was homeless for a couple of years and then I got sectioned in a mental hospital, where I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I spent 7 years in mental hospitals and homeless units. During that time I became addicted to amphetamine like drugs and also tried heroin. I became so depressed I could barely walk or leave my bed.
I eventually got better thanks in part to reading Eckhart Tolle books. Also my mother died, which was a big relief for me as I didn't have to worry about her suffering as she had been ill all my life. Plus she couldn't force her agenda on me any longer. A sense of peace and lightness came back to me.
I was discharged into a place of my own in Feb 2017 and am still here. I have been clean from drugs for 5 years and the symptoms of my illness are greatly reduced. I still get depressed sometimes but nothing like before, and I have a handle on my paranoid delusions.
My Dad visits me sometimes. I find it literally impossible not to get angry with him. He was sexually inappropriate with me when I was younger which I found hard to admit for all my life. I have come to the conclusion that it was mainly my parents who caused my mental health problems.
Leo has inspired me to get serious about my spiritual practice again and I have been meditating every day for a couple of months. It's difficult though because my upstairs neighbour is quite noisy. Also the area I live in is rife with drug users and people with other addictions so it's hard not to fall back into that trap. I smoke and drink sometimes which seems inevitable.
I am now in a pretty good situation for practising meditation and spirituality because I have a lot of spare time and I don't have to worry about my finances. However I feel disconnected from the world because of the medication I am on (antipsychotics).
So I'm looking for advice. How can I get more deeply into this work with the issues I face? - My anger is having a huge negative impact on my life (it's not just with my dad) /My medication greatly reduces the pleasure I get from life / I can't seem to stop drinking and smoking.
Any help is very much appreciated.
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Edit: I'm thinking I should find a physical community where I can practice, as I don't know anyone else in my area who seems as serious as me about attaining enlightenment.
