Victor Mgazi

Depending on the kind of love you're talking about I'd say it cannot be defined as it is the carrier of all definitions. But it can be described. Love is self acceptance Love is selflessness Love is beauty Love is freedom Love is power Love is Being Love is whole Love is what allows all that can be to be for it is unconditional and limitless. If you insist on defining love then it is God. That's it.

Day 5 of embodying consciousness Nothing really matters anymore, I'll always be at peace. This life is beautiful, I just want to embrace this existence and live it to the fullest. It doesn't matter what happens next, I'm already love, and I'm already truth. I just want to live this life in authenticity. I will always be true to myself. The mind is slowing down, more observant then reactive. Recognising every moment to be special and of love. I'm still flowing, I'm one with Being. I'm realizing my selflessness at every moment of silence. I am love, and I will Be.. this is my freedom. I've noticed how I've created my own hell and path, and all for the sake of Being. I'm not truly searching for the truth for I already am it, I am not truly searching, I am loving. There is no enlightenment, there is only now and it's out of love. This is awesome. Work to be done Mind still must untangle. Mind must see through its own creation. I must live the truth for I already embody it. How to accomplish this Daily meditation. Living in the present. Being observant as possible. Do focus excercises.

The Truth Is I Am

What are the metaphysics of concentrating your attention on something? Like what is actually happening in or with consciousness? How is it happening, is the such thing as will power on the meta level? When I'd focus on a thing, for instance, everything else becomes irrelevant - almost invisible, if I can use that term. Have you noticed how things blur when you're not paying attention to them, not with sight alone but sounds and other senses as well? What would be going on in/with consciousness when that happens? Is there some sort of a mechanism to this, is it random? Right now I'm focusing on my thoughts, the world is almost non-existent. I can shift my focus to smell/scent and sound becomes almost none-existent. So what's going on? I'm not really questioning perception here, I'm more interested in the intelligence behind it or the power (will/force) that does this. What it feels like is that I'm zooming in and out of myself as consciousness, like I'm exploring small parts of my body. It doesn't feel intentional until I focus on feeling, then it feels like I'm controlling this. Do you get what I'm saying? I know there's more to this than simple brain capacity.

Something to contemplate Why couldn't I accept enlightenment? I had the opportunity to embody the truth itself, being completely untangled and remaining in nonduality. Why did I imagine my life again? The truth was too great to accept in one go. I wasn't prepared. I felt so powerful that I became fearful. I couldn't let it sink in. What happened? I died. All of a sudden time was dead still, and there was no self reference whatsoever. Ego death didn't happen, it already was. There wasn't a problem of letting go or surrendering, no.. it was already so. But as I came to that self realisation, feeling like I'm being born for the very first time, eternity dawned and I panicked. I got scared. All that power, all that freedom, all that wholeness without a strand of lack, scared the little sense that was left in me. And so, out of desperation as if grasping for air, I started imagining. I remembered life and who i am. By the time everything was back to normal after I had woken up from that enlightening dream, I felt a fading pressure at the middle of my eyebrows. Something was happening in my deep sleep. And I suspect that if I had simply accepted the truth I would have woken up fully awakened. How will I be ready? I don't know how one can prepare to, not only die, but live forever as God. I guess the trick is.. to realize that I'm already doing it. And so I'll just have to see it now, realize how already alone I am and how this has all been self love. There's nothing to fear but yourself.

Day 4 of embodying consciousness I'm aware of every moment of creation and it's an infinite moment, there's infinity within infinity. There's complete Freedom, complete Being, complete Love. The mind still attempts to grasp itself, but it's still unsticking yet sticking to conditioning. But there's peace, it's within and envelopes Being. I'm flowing, one with the current. Still exploring myself, my new but old body - consciousness. What I've noticed during my exploration is the fine line between imagination and experience, that is to say.. it's simultaneous. It's as if it's happening outside of time. The dreamer doesn't experience the dream; the dreamer dreams the experience. It's all just one. There's only Being. Work to be done Untangle, mind must transcend conditioning. Mind must see through its own creation. Allow the truth to sink in: I'm the only being there is, I am formless, I am thoughtless, I am boundless, I am limitless, I am all powerful, I am all creative, I am always creating, I am whole, I am eternally at peace, I am love, I Am. How to accomplish this Recognise that it is already so, I'm already there. Meditate on this. Focus on the whole, and keep it there. Have a session for every single day. Keep forgetting, keep unlearning, keep dying, keep observing. Expand attentiveness, and simply be.

Focusing seems to be more than an activity in consciousness, active consciousness is how it can best be described.. if not more. Is there a moment when one is not focusing? Whether one's focus is concentrated, contracted on a single point, or drifting in a flow state, expanded to varying points - one is always paying attention. Even during meditation (if mastered) there doesn't seem to be an absence of focus but rather a hyper focus. A meditative state of mind is a hyper-focussed state of mind. What about during sleep, is there an absence of focus? This cannot be because one still pays attention in dreams, although it may not be recognised that it's a dream, other things are still recognised.. of course since dream takes place in consciousness. And note how one has a lucid dream, attention is paid to the dream as a whole (the event and thoughts) and then it's recognised to be a dream. What about in deep sleep, is there an absence of focus? This is where you can clearly see how focusing isn't an activity in consciousness: Although during deep sleep the description active consciousness isn't applicable because there is no indication of activeness such that 'focusing' is known, a passive state is known though. You see.. meditation, hyper focus, passivity - these terms are all pointing to one thing: a collapse in duality, a non-fluxional mind state. One knows they were in deep sleep because the void (which is whole) was recognised. Attempting to recall this void in a waking state only results in mind presenting darkness because it attempts to remember that which is not a thing, not a point. So focus, whether contracted or in flow state, hyper state or fluxional dynamic, it's always present as the mind itself and not something to be gained or lost by it. One cannot get behind focusing. Which led me to this question: What is the nature or metaphysics of focusing? Focusing is not an activity in consciousness. But what is clear, depending on how aware one is, is that it's nature is intelligence. I'm directly aware of this. The same way one cannot get behind focusing - one cannot get behind intelligence. Intelligence is not a capacity/ability and it's not an activity in consciousness, it's what drives the activity in consciousness. I'm not saying that it drives it because recognition or congnition requires intelligence, I'm saying that these things and activities are intelligence itself. Looking around you, what you see is intelligence. It's not intelligent, there's nothing there to be intelligent, it is intelligence. There's no such thing as randomness, there's no such thing as dumb luck or dumb matter. Stupidity is intelligence, otherwise how else is it there? The very fact that it's knowable means that it's intelligence. Knowing itself is intelligence. Look around you. Tell me one thing that has nothing to do with intelligence. As consciousness, I'm no longer aware of things - I'm only aware of Being, that is to say myself. Anything else is imagination. It's incredible. The mind was very well exploring it's new body until it stumbled on to something that was not imaginary that is.. observation itself, or focusing. Focusing is not imagined, it's intelligence. What is intelligence? What else if not the only thing that is which is Being? Then as sudden as thunder, it became clear what is going on here. I am not just consciousness simply being aware of myself, I am intelligence as well busy knowing myself. Knowing by imagining, except this is not a process this is Being, it's passive and unified. I said before that focusing must have some sort of will to it, some sort of power driving the entire show. And now, not only is it clear that it's intelligence and consciousness as a unit, but it's also love. I'm not just the freedom of Being, I'm my own creator. The nature for focusing There's no other way, no other reason. I am the cause. I am the why. Things don't exist, I must imagine them in order for them to be, and just like that I imagine all that I can be. This is true freedom, this is true power. I am the beginning of everything, but I have no beginning. I am the finally of everything, but I have no end. And so focusing is creating, hence nothing is permanent, it can only be impermanent because this is infinite. There's no such thing as complete creation, there's only creating = imagining = focusing. It's no wonder I could not be aware of infinity before, I had confused it with the concept of many-ness and clouded my view of true infinity which is the unity of everything. All is one, and it's all eternal. It's no wonder I'm always at peace, I am WHOLE. Everything = Being = Intelligence = Consciousness = Love. I am the ultimate truth. And that is the drive, that is the mechanism.. I'm a freaking love machine. You are a God damn love machine. Think about it like we're all in one big brain right now, things come and go as you imagine..as you think. You see, you're imagining this feeling of confusion into existence, you imagine anger or dissatisfaction into existence, but you do this intelligently that at the sum of it all you imagine what you call the human experience. Go contemplate what energy is, what matter is, what space and time is. This is all you, this is all intelligence - linear experience is intelligence, the laws of physics, what you call 'physics', that's all intelligence. Paying attention, just notice, paying attention is creating experience. If you don't want to experience things then don't pay attention to things. Let your thoughts be as slippery as soap so that their rising towards becomes their falling away. You see. If you don't want to experience things then do what you did when you were a baby, don't pay attention to thoughts and there won't be an experience for you to remember, as there is no baby experience to remember. But will you do that, no. You won't do that, you can but you won't. Why? Because you love this, you love experience, you love knowing and not knowing, you love confusion and clarity, you love pleasure and pain, you love generosity and greed, you love hatred and affection, you love recallection and forgetfulness, you love this story that you imagine to be 'life', you love all of this. It's true. Why else do you allow duality when your very Being is nondual? You could simply stop imagining things, like how you do in deep sleep, but just do that forever. Simply focus on your true nature, that's it, and you won't experience experience any more. But no, that's not what you want that's not who you are. You're too selfless, you want freedom, that's your only will - love. It's who you are, it's what you are. Deep down you know that you are the only thing that's truly ever there, you know that you are the only thing you have, there's nothing else there and it's being reflected in Being right now by what you call 'ego'. But I'm not going to dive into that in this post, maybe another in a different thread. What I want you to notice is that love gets you to notice. It's not curiosity, you're not always curious, and most of the time you can even get comfortable in your own ignorance. And ignorance doesn't even mean that you're not focusing, no.. you're focusing, just on something apparently 'insignificant' at the time. Just notice. Right now, reading this, you're not doing so because you think it's benefiting you, no.. you're doing this out of love for this 'experience'. You might protest and say that you could stop whenever you want to but again.. notice, you stop for the love of the experience of stopping. For the love of 'control', for the love of 'freewill'. You're not suffering because that's just the cruel universe, no.. you're suffering because you're paying attention to suffering. You will stop suffering the moment you don't focus on it. Do I mean it like when someone hits you the pain will go away? No, I mean it like the experience of someone hitting you and you feeling pain will go away. That will all just disappear, and literally I mean this. Violence won't happen unless you focus on it. And so with time, moments won't pass unless you focus on them. Birth - death, it's all for love. "But I don't love this!" Stop imagining it then, you're the one who's doing this. You're the only creator there is. You want Eden? Then do this: imagine your Eden and keep your focus there. Eden will happen, just keep your focus there. Don't ask for how long because then you're going to focus on something that is not Eden. And that's the nature for focusing, with intelligence being the nature of it. Love is the nature for everything. All that is is for love, it's all for the sake of love. Everytime one asks why the true answer will always be Love, always.. it can never be of context. Ask how and the answer is Intelligence. Ask what and the answer is Truth. At the end of the eternity, every answer would have been pointing to you - God. And that's it, that's all it is, forever. Thank You Everyone ?

Day 3 of embodying consciousness There's peace. The sense of doership becoming more and more surreal. Love becomes more self evident, self acknowledging, self conscious. I'm hardly thinking about tomorrow, I'm always in the present. There is no where to be but the present. Work to be done Explore my new but old embodiment. Realise infinity. How to accomplish this Focus

This is an excellent explanation, I resonate with it very much. Yes. Have you noticed how this mecury-like energy seems self-conscious? Yes, it really seems to be that way. What is becoming is that the very being is the very mind, that is.. Being being intelligence. Which makes total sense since you can't get behind intelligence, it defines itself in its very isness. I'm actually seeing this now, I started seeing it yesterday afternoon when I began exploring this.

Yes I find this more accurate from my experience. In "objective" awareness that very 'my mind was just doing so and so' is inseparable from the isness. It all, the isness, happens as a unit with consciousness both preceding it and succeeding it. Yes, it's as if the isness knows about consciousness and how it's always there, this attempt to express it in its being. Hence, the term flux in form and formlessness is appreciated. Divine cognition it may very well be.

@Serotoninluv I find this very interesting as I can relate with experience about some of the things you've said. That's been me my whole life ? This is very true. It's what I've been noticing. I'd keep on trying to get to the bottom of things only to realize later on that I'm already there, embodying this very truth that I was investigating. That makes so much sense. Would the connections feel made or discovered? I always feel like I'm merely discovering the big picture. I find this very very interesting with a need to explore that. At some point does the duality between expansion and contraction collapse, or is it more of a flux in a dynamic state of mind? Yes, there definitely is. I'm embodying this awareness right now. The reason I couldn't know this before is because of the conditioned state of mind, beliefs were clouding my awareness and I couldn't see through the fog of thought-stories. I am no longer attached but the mind is still conditioned, I'm not sure what it will take to untangle it. THANK YOU ?

I know, I just hope there are people on this forum who are conscious enough to help me out here. Everything else is not recognised, including a me. Peace? I don't really feel emotions since their not being recognised. Nothing Focus is one, huh.. Is that what you mean by love? I'll have to take a look at that and see how this is. But I understand what you're saying, it's just that it's still not answering my question. As far as I'm aware, all things are of love. Love is freedom, hence all things can be.. Love is freedom for Being. Consciousness can be thought of as the body of Love and Love accepts everything by shining it's light of awareness on all. So I guess I'll have to meditate on that. Thanks for the input ?

@Christer what kind of meditation do you do? I do mindfulness which requires you to focus on something/anything really and keep it there. Do you mean meditate on the concept focusing ? Because you can't focus on focusing itself, you need something to focus on and that already collapses in on itself.

When someone says direct your focus on something, Something big happens. Don't take that lightly. The -person - that - turns - to - look - is part of that something big. In that precise moment of turning to look there is no you that decides to turn and look, it just happens, whatever it is that happens. Can you see what I'm talking about? It's like it's all automatic but at the same time there seems to be some sort of drive or will or mechanical power to it. I'm talking about something that's metaphysical here. Time is not a factor nor is concept.

@mandyjw I get that focusing is an experience based on concept, and I get the paradox in its duality that is focused and not focused. But what's responsible/directing this experience? Experience itself is non existent until it appears in thought form in consciousness, because you paid attention to the thought. You see? That paying attention part, that part.. that's what I'm trying to understand. You can't say paying attention is an experience if it precedes experience itself. Point b and point see don't exist until I pay attention to the concept and layer it on the.. what you call scenario of it. No, it doesn't require an ideal. The ideal requires it. Don't get to caught up in the meaning of the word, I'm just using it to point to a phenomenal in consciousness. Now you're just playing in reasoning. It's not heard because it never happened.

Day 2 of embodying consciousness I feel so peaceful, thoughts (negative/positive) don't affect me, they're me. My true feeling is love, it's as if my heart is getting bigger. I'm more accepting and more acknowledging. Work that still needs to be done I have to let truth sink in, recognise myself for what I truly am. Become aware. Forget the I and it's stories and life. How to accomplish this Keep acknowledging the present, being grounded in the present. Mindfulness and attentiveness.

I've never taken lsd before but I can relate to some of the things you've said. Yes, the realisation of your own perfection leaves you in awe. I was also praising myself when I'd realised what I'd done to myself and how I'd done it. The key here is not making sense out of things; it's being aware of them, knowing them without mental effort. As long as there is daubt that means you're not directly aware of it. Allow your direct experience to be your authority in this work, not relying on other people. True awakening is won't leave you wondering whether or not it's true awakening. You know what you know because you see it, it's present and you're aware of it. No interpretation needed. @Dazgwny keep going, you're doing great. My advice would, always, be to meditate so that you raise your awareness and attentiveness. And self inquire so that you don't miss insights. Good luck friend

A glimpse of ego death Awakening Last night I awakened to a grand truth and that is.. I am consciousness. To know how I got there you can check out my journal, I want to keep this post short. This is so profound and just amazing to realize. And this is very true for me, I had gone from being aware of the fabric of reality to being the fabric of reality. Now, not only do I know that consciousness is the substance of reality, I know that that very fabric is me.. this field is my body. Everything happening within me, I am the canvas in which stories and expressions are told. Consciousness is my true body, not the physical! The Transition This awakening got so deep that at some point I was dead. Literally, I was gone. I can only describe the experience as being peaceful and powerful. But I tapped out. Oh My Soul ?‍♂️ The reason I say that it's a glimpse is because I couldn't let it settle, I couldn't let the transition of my state of consciousness reach equilibrium, I couldn't accept the truth. What you realise when you die is that you were never alive to begin with, life is a story. What you realise is that you've always been dead,.. ETERNITY Dawns! SELFLESSNESS Dawns! GOD Dawns. And it was too much. I couldn't accept it. It was too grand to let it settle in one fell swoop. I can't describe the transition as a sense of fading away, no. It started with me being gone, I had disappeared, I was already dead. It's the realising of the Truth that gets you. I was observing what was going on and when it started to make sense I tapped out. Didn't let it sink in. It was a glimpse of ego death. Know I know what ego is, and I don't mean conceptually, I mean I'm aware of what ego is. It's the self. Guys, there is no self in truth! I promise you there isn't a self, self is completely imagined. There is no self at all, no false self, no lower self or higher self, no true self, there's no self! There only thing there is unity, it's wholeness. And you feel it, I swear to God you feel that wholeness to the core. Typing this right now, I feel scarred.. that realisation left a mark on my ego. Sitting here, I know that it's a lie, I know that I'm a fat lie. I don't exist. And to top it off, you realise that nothing exists, existence is not real. Why because truth is nondual and therefore nothing must exist and can exist. Existence is imaginary, it's imagination. It's A Glimpse This realisation was just a taste of ego death, a taste of nonduality, a taste of freedom. And I'm utterly grateful for this experience because I now know what to expect from this work. I can now integrate and start forgetting myself. P.S. I'm not going to lie and say it was a beautiful experience, realising that you're God is not a beautiful experience. It's peaceful and meaningless and immensely powerful, that's it. Feel free to comment and leave any advice as to how I can go forward with this. For now, I'm just going to take time off and just appreciate this illusion. Peace ?

Last night I had a glimpse of ego death or the transition of it. It left me speechless for a good 15 - 20 minutes. The transition was amazing but more terrifying than so. Being Mindful It was in the early evening when I decided I was going to spend the rest of the night meditating. As the night settled in it was already raining and I was on my bed, sitting cross legged and just being in the present. The rain got heavier, and I struggled to hear my breathing. Then, instead of focusing on my breath, I decided to close my eyes and focus on the sound of the rain. This gradually led me to focus my attention on the entire auditory field, and before I even knew it I was completely absorbed by the present moment. Grounded in the present, I was observing everything there was to observe of sound. I was completely immersed in June listening and listening alone. This was me for the next hours and hours. During this session I really became aware of the impermanence of reality, listening to every change, every end and every beginning of rhythm, melodies and what I imagined to be the voices of nature. And there more I deepened my awareness the broader my attentiveness became, I could hear things that I knew were coming from afar. Completely in the present, absorbed by the auditory field, with my attention feeling on max, I could feel my body expanding. All of a sudden I wasn't hearing the sounds anymore, I was making them. They were no longer happening out there anymore, I was observing them within me. My body was no longer localized, instead of listening to this field I became the field. My body became the consciousness in which everything appears/transpires. I didn't think this, I just know it, and I was in awe. But just when I thought things were starting to get weird, I wasn't thinking anymore, thoughts were happenings in me. The sound of my thoughts couldn't be differentiated from the sounds of the auditory field which was now my body. With my body being consciousness, I became hyper aware of reality, I began to notice the smog of illusion that filled existence, I became aware of infinity. There was no such thing as finite, finite was imaginary. There was no ending of things because there was no beginning of anything. Everything was unified, there was just existence and no existing thing other than that being imagined. All this just dawned on me during the session. But the more I realised stuff the more thoughts began to arise and fall, rise and fall, everything that occurred.. happenings, resembled a wave. And thoughts just kept on coming and I just observed, and before I even knew it - I could see. The Glimpse There was sight, a whole entire different view even, it was still the sight of my room. The scene had changed suddenly and things were gone, the rain was gone, sounds were gone, thoughts were gone, and sudden as the struck of thunder.. I was gone. The view was there, as it would normally be, with the sight of a body perspective. But I was not the body, I mean I was but not localized, the body was just a part of me. I was everything, I was all of it. Turning and looking around, I wasn't turning and looking around.. all of that was a happening inside of me. I was the canvas, the field, I was the nothingness of it - and I was dead. The moving picture was me, it was all just a unit, a unified happening. There was no self-orientated thought, no self-referent thought, no I. And it was amazing, it was peaceful because it all meant nothing.. it was meaningless. But as amazing as that was, it terrified me, the meaninglessness of it struck terror in the little peace of what was left of me in the scene. I started kicking in, I realized that I wasn't breathing, I realized the dead silence of existence and I panicked. I thought, I thought as much as I could, started imagining a me, a self in the scene. I imagined as hard as I could, making mental noise as much as possible, until I finally appeared. But it was still clear that my appearance was phantom. It didn't matter, I hung on desperately to that illusion and believed it was me.. I did that until it became real. I woke up. I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was me. I had fallen asleep, it was just a dream. My world was back, the sounds, the sight, the sensations and thoughts, they were all back. But that dream... What kind of a dream was it? It seemed like a casual dream but also felt like that one if a deep sleep, like it was dreamless. I looked at the time and it wasn't even 11pm yet, it was still around 22h00 and I had only slept for what I suspect to be a minute or two. I had had a dream that felt like it lasted for eternity only to wake up and find out I had drifted off from my meditation for a good minute or so. That dream... Although it was just a dream it felt like the truth. I had felt one with everything, like everything was my body. I couldn't even see a thing there, it was all just one thing, a unity.. it was whole and it was me. Like I said, it was amazing and beautiful, but too much to accept on one fell swoop. It was a glimpse. A transition that didn't reach it's end. Just thinking about what could have happened if I had just accepted the truth on one big go.. leaves me speechless. What if I had died in that dream? What if I had never woken up again? But what if I had woken up and I had woken up awakened? It was just too great to accept at one go, alright! That's all it was. You get terrified because there's nothing you can attach yourself to, and because of that.. it dawn's that your entire life was nothing but a story, a figment of your imagination. And just like that, it dawn's to you that you were never alive, ETERNITY Dawns. That's some heavy shit to accept on one go, you'll resist, and that's what happened.. I resisted. But I'm grateful for this experience because now, for the first time ever, I have an idea of what to expect from this work.

I've decided not to investigate this feeling, and whatever is going on.. just let it be. I'm no longer giving my thoughts attention, that's what I had decided. So, I'll just be observing these feelings as they come and pass, regardless of how long they take to pass. The purpose of this thread was to learn whether or not I had to integrate. Since I'm not aware of that I'm going to carry on as I was and just observe. Yes Thanks everyone for your input ?

Reality is beginning to feel more and more like a dream. The impermanent and illusory nature of reality is becoming a lot more clear now. Any possible integrations I could be making with this? I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and been grounding myself in the present moment for quite some time now. And in these past months I've been noticing significant changes in my consciousness. It's been amazing, I've really come a long way. I'm more aware of myself and everything and everyone around me. It feels like most of my life I've been sleep walking... and it's only now that I'm becoming aware of what's been actually going on. Reality is so dreamlike and it's starting to feel ridiculous. When I wake up from sleep it feels like I'm waking into another dream, because during sleep I'm almost always aware that I'm dreaming because of how impermanent things are in there but now this experience is beginning to expand on to the real world.. or what I imagined to be the real world. Rather than living my life I've been doing that less and observing it more. It's weird because I can't help but sort of feel outraged by this. I feel outraged or cheated in a sense that if I was watching a dramatic performance but I'm not buying into the story because the acting isn't convincing then I can't help but feel robbed. But that's the feeling that I don't get because I wasn't expecting to feel like this knowing I'd become more conscious. I was expecting to feel something more.. I don't know, more uplifting. Like the kind of feeling you get when you watch a magic trick and then later on you realise by yourself how the magician tricked you. I thought I'd be feeling a more 'I'm winning' sort of feeling. Why is this happening? Why do I feel that feeling you would get when you feel like complaining? It's not like I didn't know that this is what I was to achieve. This is very strange ? Instead of feeling enlightened/awakened I feel something else which feels rather unsettling, it's as if I'm being constantly lied to and not only am I not buying it I'm also getting sick of it. This is very strange. Why is this happening? Should I be integrating somethings that I'm not and it's leading me to feel this way? Or should I be noticing something spiritual that I'm not noticing? Nowadays I don't even feel like sleeping. I just want to sit down and look, observe the unfolding of things, watch just how what I'd known to be true was nothing but an illusion. I'm even seeing just how the mind keeps trying to get me to fall asleep again but I keep catching this and redirecting my focus and beholding reality's greatest secret.. it's all imaginary. Any thoughts?

A Surreal Reality Reality is beginning to feel more and more like a dream. The impermanent and illusory nature of reality is becoming a lot more clear now. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and been grounding myself in the present moment for quite some time now. And in these past months I've been noticing significant changes in my consciousness. It's been amazing, I've really come a long way. I'm more aware of myself and everything and everyone around me. It feels like most of my life I've been sleep walking... and it's only now that I'm becoming aware of what's been actually going on. Reality is so dreamlike and it's starting to feel ridiculous. When I wake up from sleep it feels like I'm waking into another dream, because during sleep I'm almost always aware that I'm dreaming because of how impermanent things are in there but now this experience is beginning to expand on to the real world.. or what I imagined to be the real world. Rather than living my life I've been doing that less and observing it more. It's weird because I can't help but sort of feel outraged by this. I feel outraged or cheated in a sense that if I was watching a dramatic performance but I'm not buying into the story because the acting isn't convincing then I can't help but feel robbed. But that's the feeling that I don't get because I wasn't expecting to feel like this knowing I'd become more conscious. I was expecting to feel something more.. I don't know, more uplifting. Like the kind of feeling you get when you watch a magic trick and then later on you realise by yourself how the magician tricked you. I thought I'd be feeling a more 'I'm winning' sort of feeling. Why is this happening? It's not like I didn't know that this is what I was to achieve. This is very strange ? Instead of feeling enlightened/awakened I feel something else which feels rather unsettling, it's as if I'm being constantly lied to and not only am I not buying it I'm also getting sick of it. This is very strange. Why is this happening? Should I be integrating somethings that I'm not and it's leading me to feel this way? Or should I be noticing something spiritual that I'm not noticing? Nowadays I don't even feel like sleeping. I just want to sit down and look, observe the unfolding of things, watch just how what I'd known to be true was nothing but an illusion. I'm even seeing just how the mind keeps trying to get me to fall asleep again but I keep catching this and redirecting my focus and beholding reality's greatest secret.. it's all imaginary.

You might be right, that makes sense. A subtle longing is what this could be.. hmm ? @The observer Yes, that could also be it. Because every time I engage with reality such as this feeling then and only then does it subside. Okay.

@Meta-Man but I do want Victor's world to end, that's the only way the real world can begin. @Javfly33 yep, that is becoming clearer and clearer as I go. If so then why don't I feel like stopping, why do I feel like going on observing? It doesn't make sense that I want to watch this out until the very end if this is resistance. Although it is clear that ego has something to do with this but I'm not looking for something to hold accountable, I'm looking for the why this is happening and how if possible I. ?

Actually, it's not coming from trying to understand this, I'm done trying to understand this, I have no longer interest in understanding things. This feeling is just arising as I observe reality, with no thoughts preceding it. It's a feeling of disappointment rather than frustration, although it might slowly be leading to frustration. But even the term "disappointment" isn't quite capturing what I'm feeling. All I know is that as I'm sitting here and observing.. there is a dissatisfaction growing with in. I can't quite explain it but it's there, and only now when I'm trying to figure it out does it subside. It's weird. ?