Victor Mgazi

@Meta-Man oh okay, I see. Thank you for being this specific, I now know what you mean by stillness. Looking forward to not looking forward at anything ?

On the topic of freewill. Freedom is not an illusion. We're always doing what we want, always. There's always an option, always. I understand how in most cases it doesn't feel like luxury of choice, but we actually do. It's just that you don't find the choice you made somewhat fulfilling, perhaps decisions didn't meet expectations, so what? It doesn't change the fact that you did what you wanted to do. Nobody can say they were forced to do anything, except if maybe one was possessed or hypnotized or something of that sort. Otherwise, if you were conscious of the choice you made then you did what you want. Maybe the problem is that you didn't want to choose, but even if that's the case, it's clear that you wanted to choose. Otherwise, why did you choose? You really didn't have to! Even if you were being held at gun point and were told to make a choice, that's still freedom. You could either make a choice or not make a choice. ‘What if it's a matter of life and death?’ Then choose, life or death? What are you complaining about, options? You don't like the options that you're being presented with? They are not fair, not of your satisfaction? Well, then they wouldn't really be options now would they? They would just be nice preferences, a menu in the luxurious restaurant of Life. It's this mistake of thinking that options must be there for the sake of fairness and freewill. No, options are there so that you can learn about yourself. Are you a coward or a brave heart? Are you a victim of a fighter? What is it that you value the most? And nobody could ever judge these things but you, you're your own judge. Why else do you think we sometimes lie to ourselves? What could possibly be the reason for that? It's obvious, we're trying to fool the judge within us, there's no any other soul that we're trying to fool. We're simply trying to hide from our own truth. That's it. Although, why we do that is certainly a million dollar question. But I'll be very much glad to answer it! We lie to ourselves because we know that deep down we made the choice willingly and freely, we know that deep down, we are all individually responsible for our choices. That's why. So one can either hate himself or hate the world and call life a bitch, but guess who the real bitch in reality is? It's the one who's too coward to own up to his shit, always looking for external things to blame like God or determinism or whatnot. That's the real bitch. Always remember, reality is the clearest mirror there is. If you believe it's cruel or full of hate, then what exactly does that say about you? P.S. When I write, I tend to speak in second person so everything here has to do with me. Unless of course you can relate.

The only kind of stillness that I'm able to achieve for an indefinite period is silencing the mind by turning it on itself. Is this enough a stillness or can I go deeper with other possible methods? Thank you. Appearance is sensical, and Actuality is nonsensical? @Nahm they don't combine in their distinctiveness, but they do combine in their mere presence alone - thus it's all One. Is this what you meant by ‘breaking down’ ? Anyway, to be more specific: it's not duality/polarity, so to say, that I have a problem with. I can accept duality as part of Truth. It's the trying to understand it, trying to justify or judge it, trying to find a cause and relation, trying to know what things mean.. it's that part that I want to see through. Why do certain experiences have to be more or less special than others? Why do I judge violence as primitive and judge affection as loving? I mean I get that ultimately there's nobody there doing any ‘judging’ but yet.. there is an appearance of it being so. Am I making sense? This is not me saying that I want to stop something from happening, I have no will to stop anything. What I'm trying to see through is the very thing that I'm doing now: judging the appearance of a me ‘judging’ an appearance. Why can't I just accept this energy of prejudice and discrimination like ignorant people would? To them, being biased doesn't mean anything to them and so they do it with ease. Again, I'm not saying that I want to be biased and ignorant. Forgive me, language is such a barrier here. I'm saying why should it matter if I am or not? At the end, those who believe they are not making things about themselves are , in reality, doing just that. If I feel the spirit of grace fall upon me then I just want to give out of feeling that very energy of grace, without believing that I am being generous and good. I tried my best to communicate this. I don't know if it appears to you that I'm making sense or not. Hopefully, I am.

Yeah, okay. That sounds achievable with the right attitude. Thank you for your feedback, it's much appreciated. ?

I just want to flow. I'm tired of going against the current, I'm tired of trying to fight for my survival. I'm not a survivor, I'm an explorer. And I just want to be free. Life is beautiful because when you're not afraid you can fully engage with it. It's beautiful because of the moments that cause you to forget yourself. I want to explore every possible thing there is for me to explore: worlds, people, events, relationships, vulnerability, emotions, creativity, expression, admiration, fulfilment, devotion, devastation, meaning, connection, intimacy, healing, etc. No holding back. I just want to live. It's too bad my longing for life isn't greater than my fear of life. Freedom from the fear of the unknown, that's where I need to start.

And you do make it sound simple. Am I not to familiarize myself with this void before I can begin to sink in it? But yes I get what needs to happen. Thanks for the input. ?

Yeah.. what is meaning?

@Meta-Man what kind of meditation do you suggest? So far, I've only been practicing mindfulness in which I focus on something (breath, sound, body tension and sensation, etc) present in the now moment. @James123 yes, I've noticed. I've chosen the method of ‘letting go’ because there's less doership and activeness in it. 'letting go' requires me to simply shift my attention, that's it. And thus literally forgetting about whatever it is that I was trying to let go of (a concept/belief/attachments...) Until, hopefully one day, I've let go of myself completely, thus surrendering. My only trouble with this technique is the web of connections within my nexus of identification and attachments. I'd be trying to let go of a belief but a prior or post idea would bring it up again. It's sort of a unsticking resticking vibe.

Darkness; nothingness; prettiness. It doesn't really matter what one calls it, I just don't want to be carried away with it as a concept. I'm trying to surrender myself to actuality.

I guess another way to phrase it is: how do I experience reality without projecting unto it. I find that I'm mostly either living in the past or the future because of this need, or whatever it is, to judge appearances.

@Meta-Man that's what I'm trying to do, but I'm stuck at appearance. If there's darkness this means light is absent. How do I see through this appearance, along with any other appearance? If it's not heads it's tails. If it's not both it's none. How can I practically do transcend this?

Meaning What is it?

A thought-story that says that I'm identified and attached to imaginary form. What is thought-story ? An idea. What is the actual being of this idea ? It's imaginary. Is that a fact or a belief? It's observational. What is being observed? Imagination What is imagination? Fuck.. another thought-story. What is the actual being of this thought-story? I don't know. What do you know? I know nothing but thought-stories? Is this a fact or a belief? It's an observed thought-story. What is going on in actuality? I don't know. I only know thought-stories. Is this a fact or a belief? It's a thought-story. What knows that it's a thought-story? .

This is awesome. Looking at it, I just get the feeling of an explosive reaction that is emergence/expansion, and this strong interconnectivity, there's also this sense of diversity/polarity but at the same time a sense of unification like different aspects of the same thing. When I look at it whole, it looks like there's some sort of growth and power to it, a force. All these eyes make it feel like it's looking at me just as much as I'm looking at it, it's like I can't escape it's gaze. Cool I love art. Thanks for sharing.

What is ego?

Acknowledge Thy Presence

It's ego.

Surrendering my self image to spirituality. What is spirituality? Does spirituality have any significance outside concept? In order to determine this, one has to rid spirituality of all concept and see whether or not spirituality still exists even so. We'll use the unconventional use of the term, where the transcendence is proposed. Consciousness work and self realisation are the two major notions found in spirituality. So, let's start ridding. Is ‘realisation’ a word referring to concept or a direct experience? Realising is a phenomenon, it occurs in experience and therefore isn't abstract. Is ‘self’ a word referring to concept or a direct experience? Self is an idea, it is perceived in mind and therefore is abstract. Is ‘work’ a word that refers to concept or a direct experience? Work is a phenomenon, it's activity and productivity occuring in experience and therefore isn't abstract. Is ‘consciousness’ a word that refers to a concept or a direct experience? Consciousness , according to the connotations of this unconventional use, is neither a phenomenon nor a concept for it precedes both experiences. Now, let's take a look at what remains and see whether or not spirituality still exists. Realisation, Work, Consciousness, these are what remained after ridding spirituality of concept. From this filtering, does spirituality still stand? It appears that it does since with the work in ‘consciousness work’ still being existent and the possibility of a realisation occuring also being existent, a discovery (although unknown) can still be made. However, this still doesn't prove how spirituality transcends objectiveness although it is seen how it is certainly present outside subjectivity. In order to tell whether or not spirituality does transcend objectiveness one must rid the term of all objectivity and see if it still remains. Let's do some more ridding. Realisation is a word that refers to a phenomenon in experience and must therefore be removed as it's objective in nature. Work is also a word that refers to a phenomenon in experience and must therefore be removed as it's objective in nature. Consciousness is the only remaining thing as, according to the unconventional use, it precedes both objectivity and subjectivity. So, from this filtering, does spirituality still stand? Well, without realisation the notion of a ‘discovery being made’ hangs loose but only because we're still not certain what the nature of consciousness is. This so called transcendence is still not apparent unless it is assumed that spirituality and consciousness are equal in being. The key pointer in the unconventional use is that a discovery must be made, that's the only thing that suggested that spirituality is not conception. Unless this notion can still stand with consciousness alone then spirituality is no longer existent, but that's only in meaning. It is not known yet what consciousness refers to and so it also has no meaning. In such a case, consciousness only refers to some presence, as all other words ultimately refer to the presence of something, whether subjective or objective. But because of the mystery of this presence, the term consciousness itself becomes a subject of discovery for it is yet to be known. Now, can it or can it not be assumed that spirituality and consciousness are equivalent in being? It appears that it can. If consciousness itself is a subject of discovery then spirituality, in the unconventional use, is still existent for ‘a discovery’ is to be made, the discovery of what the term consciousness refers to. Spirituality still stands, and it continues to stand outside both objectivity and subjectivity. In case of the argument that discovery is on its own is subjective in nature since it occurs in experience, let us negate this now by revealing that discovery is only subjective if it has an ending to it. Let's further negate this argument by suggesting that a discovery can never be final if that which is to be discovered has no finality in its being. So, if the mysterious presence in which the term consciousness refers to is infinite in its nature, then spirituality is most certainly outside subjectiveness and objectiveness. This unconventional use is bound by no concept and no experience, it is truly transcendent, according to this logic at least. Now then, to answer the question of whether or not spirituality has any significance outside concept, yes - it does. And for surviving the ridding process, it can be argued to be the most significant thing that can ever exist. But that's not the point of this post here, the whole point of this was to answer the million dollar question that is: What is spirituality? Is it consciousness work? Is it self realisation? No, it's neither of these notions. These, at the end of the day are both implicit and exclusive, which makes them, although practical, subjective in their being. Spirituality can only be the infinite knowing of a fundamental presence. Infinite because the discovery has no finally. Fundamental because it precedes all concept and experience. Spirituality is now, whatever is happening or existing now is spirituality, for this now is being known and is the knowing itself. Spirituality = Knowing thy presence. And this is not a conclusion, it's spirituality God damnit! Know Thy Presence

The fear of death. I'm trying to preserve my self image. Is this a fact or a belief?

Surrendering my self image to spirituality. What is spirituality? What does the word spirituality actually refer to? I've titled this journal “Spiritual Exploration”, this two worded name inherents an idea along with connotations in its linguistic bases. But does it have any significance outside concept? The conventional use of the term spirituality is varying in its being. This clearly denotes subjectivity and vagueness to the word as it can be interpreted in a unique manner by every individual. The society's dictionary defines the term spirituality as the quality of being concerned with religion or the spirit realm. This appears to be how most parts of the world have come to understand this term/idea whereby further concepts and beliefs have now been built upon. And so, according to this common understanding of the term, spirituality is nothing more than a quality, a characteristic property of appearance. Now, when analysing this established definition of spirituality we again discover several of our society's notions. Such notions being: the are ‘realms’ to this reality in which we exist in, or that if something has nothing to do with ‘religion’ or ‘the spirit’ then it is outside of spirituality. These notions extend through identification, and ‘realms’ such as the physical, the quantum, and the spirit realm are acknowledged either in belief or conceptualisation. Thus, in the context of this use of the term, spirituality appears to be grounded in subjectivity as it only points to either concept or belief. What about outside of the conventional use the term, what is the basis of spirituality there? Although one can argue that outside ‘convention’ only exists interpretations made from the common understanding of the acknowledged definition, and so the basis remains entirely subjective. Even if so, let's make a further analysis upon one of the modern, but proven to be ancient in the Eastern tradition, idea of spirituality which is also the most popular one in this forum. The idea that spirituality transcends both concept and belief, and that nothing can get behind spirituality. According to this use of the term, spirituality is objective in its nature. This unconventional use of the term, especially here in this forum, appears to be implicit and yet exclusive in its being. Implicit because it is not in accordance with the conventionally established meaning of a term, and exclusive because it inherents these notions of ‘consciousness work’ and ‘self realisation’. Is consciousness work not subjective? Because, according to the connotations of this notion, consciousness work deals with that which is actual and present in direct experience one can deem it to be objective. And because self realisation is a notion built on discovery and clear acknowledgement it can also be deemed objective. But does that mean nothing can get behind spirituality, what does it actually refer to? In conventional use it refers to concept that has a subjective basis, in an unconventional and both modern and ancient use it also refers to an idea but has an objective basis which, in its case, is practice. So can it be deduced that spirituality refers to nothing but concept? When I started this journal I did so with an idea in mind: that I would be exploring something, something objective, something that is fundamental to both who and what I actually am. It's that notion of ‘self realisation’ that got me interested in, again - another notion, ‘consciousness work’. I only do this work because I want to realise my actual self. Is this pure concept? I find that it is concept but only until one actually does self realise, then it's no longer a conception. You see there's a very fine line between subjective and objective when it comes to spirituality, one can easily get lost in subjectivity while their initiative was to discover something outside of the mind. Practice is that fine line between the polarity. And so I guess the work in ‘consciousness work’ isn't as much of a notion than it is a key pointer. So my spiritual exploration is really just based on the work as much as it may appear to be based on concept. And so what spirituality actually refers to is both subjective and objective in its nature, it refers to the unlikely combo of conception and practicality. From the deductions made above it is clear that spirituality does not “transcend both concept and belief”, at least not according to logic. And so, one last question remains standing: Does spirituality have any significance outside concept? The answer to this question might just be far from black and white clarity. [To be continued]

The Abyss Will Stare Back Into You. ~ Nietzsche It seems like reality is not just a dream, it's also a mirror. Reality reflects our ‘inner world’ and so one will always observe that in which he believes in, until he fully surrenders his beliefs and is finally empty. Realise the void, become the abyss.

If reality is nothing more than what I imagine it to be, why then do I cling to it?

If you stare long enough into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. Nietzsche's statement captures it perfectly, an enlightening moment that revealed it's infinity as being now and eternal. It's just so fucking beautiful, but I'm terrified at it at the same time. It's the truth. I Am About a month ago, I had an experience that lasted forever. It was late in the evening and the rain was pouring. I had been meditating, doing mindfulness, and during that evening some serious shit came to light. Long story short, I realized how I am consciousness and how every perception arises within me. I contained everything. It was like a major body expansion took place and covered every field of appearance. Fast forward, I officially discovered oneness in being . After spending some time on the forum, I logged out and sat in silence, contemplating what is consciousness without form and perception? Then, in the subsidence of thoughts, I realized Being. Everything is one and the same thing and I was it. It didn't make sense that I was only pure awareness anymore. I now was also the perception that arises within me. I'm not containing it, I am it. This was when embodied love. And finally, the moment I had yesterday mid-afternoon. It was hot and I was exhausted. I hadn't gotten enough sleep the previous night and so after the day's business, I went to my room and threw myself on the bed. The air was warm and I felt so tired. I told myself that I would lie on my bed and do absolutely nothing. So when the mind started wondering, I silenced it but completely focusing on something else. I gazed at the ceiling and kept my focus there. With mind deprived of attention, I felt more relaxed and immersed. There's something that people hardly ever notice. As much as reality is a dream it's also a mirror. Reality reflects our ‘inner world’ so accurately that we actually observe what we believe, nothing else. But what reality revealed to me during my gazing was not at all expected. You see, I was still and immersed. I didn't want to do anything nor entertain my mind with meaningless concepts. I just wanted to rest. And so, in my passive state of consciousness I saw the eye of God. At first, something about my view just felt odd, like something big but subtle was missing but replaced with something equally big.. and subtle. Do you know that feeling one would often get when alone in a room, watching a horror movie, usually at night? That feeling of being watched? Take that feeling and multiply it by a hundred, that's how it felt staring at that ceiling. I could shake that feeling off but I couldn't ignore that feeling of self surreality. But in my passive determination to relax, I continued as I were, watching the ceiling. And there more I did so, the less I felt real. I started feeling empty. Something was happening as I was gazing at my room and I noticed it. Realising what had been happening took a part out of me. Staring at the room, blinking and breathing, I saw it, staring and blinking, I felt it. Then it all just fell into place like water finding it's own equilibrium. I wasn't viewing the room, I was the view of the room watching itself. You know how they say that the world disappears when you close your eyes or sleep? I kept on vanishing and reappearing. That's where that feeling of surreality was coming from. In blinking, I observed what I believed to be my separate self come and go like a thought. And as the true me remained still, reality started feeling empty and meaningless. Then I finally realized what I was staring at all along. It's God's eye. The same way I had expanded and embodied consciousness containing form, here was an eye that instead of having normal eye features like the pupil and iris, this eye showed everything that could be seen. The eye was made up of reality itself, and I was a part of that reality. But most importantly, I was the eye staring dead into my being. Holy crap, I really can't believe it, but it's too obvious to be denied so I'm not sure what to do with it. I can't believe just how free but at the same time so lonely I truly am. I have to integrate. Shit.. Eye Am

How to judge whether one is enlightened or not, I really don't know. For me, enlightenment means being fully conscious of all there is, nothing is unknown. And I'll know that I'm enlightened because nothing will be unknown. It can happen that people are just not speaking from the same meta level, or that the difference in meaning lies in how conscious one is. Like you might still find the word consciousness meaningful because of all the ideas associated with it or because it still points towards something for you. But on my side, the word doesn't really point to anything because of my level of awareness, I might have misinterpreted the concept or maybe embodied it or just transcended it to the point where it means nothing. By imagination I'm just referring to this whole meaningful and diverse world/reality. I'm referring to the duality in nonduality, all the form and the finitudes.

Right now, one is already an ‘enlightened’ being, that is to say all is already One. But It imagines itself to be something else and further polarities. So then my question here is, what happens to infinite imagination once one is enlightened? Does It keep imagining? What is being imagined if imagination is creating differences in what is Whole and One? If self is an imagined difference in perception/consciousness, then can there still be imagination without the self image ? What is the connection between imagination and states of consciousness? The conditioned mind entangles itself even further in attempt to untangle.