Mintberrycrunch

A low dose of psilocybe cubensis cured me from a decade long battle with depression and sewercide This is not advice for anyone in a difficult situation. Personally, I would never recommend psychedelics to anyone. They are, imo, powerful and relatively dangerous. When I was a young boy entering teenagehood I was very confused and emotional like most young boys. I didn't come from a particularly healthy family. In fact, most of my family members on my mother's side experienced some sort of depression. At this point in my life, I had developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and unsustainable behavior patterns but I was completely unconscious of these. I started harming myself at an early age, 13-14 and I began to choose apathy and hopelessness over facing difficult truths. I held many limiting beliefs such as a genuine belief that I was not good enough and that I had wasted my life to a point where it was irreversible. I honestly thought that I was beyond the point of ever reaching a good life. I went the classic disgruntled teenager route of hating myself and everything around me. Thinking back on it now, it all began as an adoption of a particular type of identity. I became the goth/emo/whatever character you see in south park. There was real suffering and immaturity behind it but mostly it started as a way of fitting in. This kind of behavior led me towards a deeper and more refined sort of depression and eventually I had given in so heavily to apathy and hopelessness. It became a comfortable hell for me. The problems in my life that I couldn't solve or even understand would no longer need to be confronted. I would dive into the hole instead. It's like a loophole. You don't have to do anything, you can just give up. I can look at this state from my current perspective, but I was truly lost at the time. Depression, imo, atrophies the part of yourself that wants to fight. That is willing to fight. Depression was a game that I played with myself and it was the most powerful coping mechanism that I have ever come across. Years went on I gradually let go of the identity that I had adopted. I saw friends from the same groove leave it behind and they were happier for it. So was I. But it didn't last. I had discovered what depression had to offer and whenever something happened that I didn't like, I would leap straight into the pit to escape any sort of responsibility I got older and went to high school. More hard truths and difficult obstacles came my way and into the depression hole, I went. I dropped out multiple times and sewercide was a common theme. At 1 point I would tell myself to commit nono for hours every single day. Eventually, I would settle at a school where things seemed to be going pretty well. Good grades, nice social status, a hint of a girlfriend, sexual sexings. It was cool, but depression loomed over me waiting to pounce on anything I couldn't/wouldn't deal with. Eventually, the relationship went sour and I spiraled my way into an emergency unit at a psychiatric hospital and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. Never graduated. --- I'm not bipolar. At the time I guess I actually welcomed a label I could use to give up more responsibility but looking back at it now I realize how harmful it would have been to completely surrender to that. I could go on for hours about the medical industry and public health care but that's not the point. Just know that I never actually lived up to the requirements for such a diagnosis. My mind is blown by how easily these life damning words are tossed around. --- After dropping out of school again I was slightly relieved but at the same time I felt utterly powerless and my life looked hopeless. At this point, I had discovered self-help and actualization and it had shown me the massive potential for change. That change was possible. I had experimented with different exercises and practical methods such as meditation and autosuggestion and I had achieved incredible results. After a month of reprogramming my mind with affirmations and daily meditation, I changed so much that I became terrified. I was so scared that I dropped the whole thing and went right back to self-sabotage and massive delusion. I was back to my old habits but I had experienced what was possible for me. I knew that change was possible and I knew that my potential for change was nearly endless. My first psychedelic experience came after a foundation was built. I had spent a lot of time trying to understand myself, and how my mind works and I had become a much more open-minded person. I feel that this foundation was essential. I took 1.5 grams of dried psilocybe cubensis (I think it was golden teachers) with a small group of friends. We had planned it and we were all somewhat educated about psychedelics and what to expect. I had been obsessed with the possibilities of psychedelics for obvious reasons so I felt ready and with my friends, I felt comfortable and loved. Hours before I met up with my friends for the trip, I was contemplating suicide. It was the usual rumination over not being good enough, having wasted my life, etc. Despite having a conceptual understanding that this was not an optimal state of mind for psychedelics, I had a deeper instinctual feeling that this was exactly what I needed to do and that this state of mind was exactly where I (me personally) needed to come from. I had a great trip. It wasn't very reflective. We just had fun on a sunny day in the hot tub until something unexpected happened. A more experienced friend of mine asked me about my depression in the middle of the trip. Just when he asked that question, the weirdest thing happened. I felt what I would describe as lightning bolts shooting inside of my brain right at the temples. I was amazed. It was very physical. It was as if I could feel the pain of depression without being connected to it. I was shown the effects that depression was having on my mind and my life but from an outside perspective. After the trip, I felt great. I felt healed and restored. A few times I would give in to depression and sewercide again but it was changed now. It had been recontextualized for me. the few times that these thoughts came up after that trip I looked at them and took them less seriously. I began to think that they were kind of silly. nonsensical. I had transcended depression. 2 years later I am completely cured of depression and wanting to commit nonalive. I feel it so deeply. I know that I can become sad again or frustrated or w/e, but it just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. I don't want to be depressed anymore. So I'm not going to become depressed. 1.5 grams of dried cubensis. Years of depression and sewercidal ideation. Almost a decade of wanting to die and hating my life. Gone. Completely gone. That's amazing. Feel free to ask me anything. I'm an open book about this.

It is already there Search for 'actualized.org love' and you will find like 10 hours exactly about what you requested

I really appreciated your video explaning why you took down the solopsism video and I now realize more than ever how important it is to learn this stuff for yourself through experience and practice. If you just take the answers without the foundation your mind can spin it into very poisonous ideas about reality. I know that from personal experience with your content. I started doing all the practices without any sort of meaningful foundation and I had a bit of an exsitential crisis. I actually started watching the solopsism video but realized I couldnt handle it and had to stop. It still fucked me up a little bit. In the past I might have watched the whole thing and fucked myself up to the point where my life would fall apart. This time though, I knew myself well enough to realize that I was nowhere near ready to hear this. I love your work. I think that this expression might not mean the same to you as it does to me, but I do love it. It is unlike anything I've ever come across. I have used the tools you have given me to improve my life a lot and you were my first big step towards healing some of my trauma and my first proper introduction to personal development. I am one of the few people who appreciate this change of direction and I think you could teach some amazing things that are not just the answers about reality. Video request/idea: Some practical stuff as well as some information about why I should pursue enlightenment. I also think a lot of people would benefit emmensely from advice about mental health and unresolved trauma and stuff like that. 1Love

I've decided to destroy my body multiple times but I guess I'm too scared to go through with it, maybe there are slivers of joy and hope that convince me in the moment to keep going but overall I hate being alive. I've always had big dreams, but at the same time im a bi-polar who dropped out of school like 4 times because i couldent handle the pressure or somehing like that. At this point I'm in the process of finishing high-school again and again I'm almost being thrown out because I'm not doing anything. No motivation. sometimes i realize that my trackrecord is a prophecy for a very shitty future. I have nothing to look forward to because I cant even finish high-school, how will I ever push myself to do anything worthwhile? I rarely spend time with friends but when I do i also find some way to point out how they suck. I'm so full of hate. Maybe some people should just leave to escape their pain? Sure Leo would say that life is a gift but i feel so stuck.. In this world you need a job and i just cant work in a soulless fucking factory for the next 40 years. Obviously I dont have the motivation to do anything else. I dont know. Anyone in here who know how to either get better or easily kill yourself? Thank.

@Nahm great answer. thank you!

Hi I first came across self-help and actualization a few years back and at the time the topic seemed perfect for my situation. I have had serious emotional problems since my early teens. I have been depressed a lot of my life and suicidal for a lot of it too. When I first started learning about enlightenment, self-help and psychology I became elated, almost manic. In the first few months I had mystical experiences and ego-shattering realizations but at some point I just kind of, gave up. I think I got scared as I was losing my sense of self and I was so frightened that I haven't picked it up seriously since then. I would meditate for hours a day, contemplate infinity and repeat mantras to myself for hours and hours. At this point in my life I felt like I saw god for the first time and I just sort of... forgot about it. relationships and especially performing in school got in the way. Right now, however, I am at a point in my life where I am lost, depressed, lethargic and at times still suicidal. Here's a timeline that I hope will paint a picture of my behavioral pattern: Age 13: Didn't know where I fit in, decided on the emo kids, started cutting, became depressed Age 16: Started smoking weed, hung out with losers, experimented with stimulants like cocaine Age 19: Started high-school, dropped out, started again, dropped out, started again, almost finished missing only 2 exams, dropped out again Age 21: Was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts and plans, stayed a week, worked basic jobs (I was diagnosed as bipolar type 2 and I don't take medication, I don't know if I should) I am now 23: I work a delivery job, I don't do drugs anymore except the occasional joint, I jump from wanting to be a psychologist to being a full-time day trader, to starting my own business but overall I'm unhappy My typical behavioral pattern consists of making a plan and a vision for a life that I deem worth living, I then start implementing and then I give up and become angry, depressed and suicidal. I tell myself to take small steps because obviously this is not working, but I feel almost incapable of doing that. Whenever I start exercising on a regular basis or fix my diet as means of changing my status quo, I almost immediately make plans for my entire life, strict schedules, days filled to the brim with tasks. I don't want to die. I want to have purpose and drive. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing happens. My biggest wish is for a concrete guide that can, first of all lift me out of this state of mind where It feels like I cant do anything and where I don't know what I want in my life and where I am depressed and suicidal. How do I practically go about doing that? a) Lifting myself out of depression, is it foolish to think that I can do so without medication? b) Figuring out what I want to do with my life? I am very unhappy with my life and I feel powerless, please give me some advice. Thank you in advance!

Thanks Leo. I'm all better now.

My first psychedelic experience I tried eating psychedelic mushrooms for the first time. The experience was euphoric, familiar, eye-opening, beautiful, and blissful at times. I ate 2 dried grams of psilocybe cubensis. My other friends ate 1, 2, and 3 grams, respectively. My friend who at 2 grams is considered, by our group, to be an experienced psychonaut, and we were considerably confident that he would be able to help us understand and enjoy the experience. which he did. About 20 minutes after the initial ingestion, I started feeling something. At this point, my body started feeling lighter and I noticed my arms began to feel strange as if they didn't belong 'there'. The first 30 - 40 minutes were mostly occupied by shifts in the way my body feels, how wavy, heavy, or light it felt. The next thing I noticed, in terms of my reality being altered, was that colors began to intensify like someone had turned up the contrast of reality. This became apparent about 40 - 60 minutes after initial ingestion. Now we were in the spa. We were at my friend's parents' house while his parents were on vacation and we decided to use their spa. In the water I felt very relaxed and calm, more so then I've felt in years. It felt very similar to how I've felt in meditation. Labels started melting away as if I was seeing things for the first time in my life. Objects, trees, everything was perceived with a childlike, virgin perspective. At this point, about 2 hours into the trip, I felt like a child. I felt like I was my inner child again. That I was living as the child that is always inside of me (this part is hard to explain). Feelings of connectedness to other people and the universe also became more intense and, in a sense, obvious. Thoughts and feelings expressed 'why are people ever angry at each other', 'this is just a game', 'just go with the flow', 'life is for fun'. I felt a very motherly love coming from the universe to me and flowing out of me towards the universe. We were in the spa for at least 4 hours, where we would laugh, describe our experience, and relax deeply. While we expected to have our minds blown and our realities shifted, we were still surprised, confused, and awestruck by the actual nature of it. It was not what we expected, at least for the 3 of us who had never tried psychedelics before. After being in the spa for a good while, we found ourselves around a table outside about to smoke a joint. I've smoked a lot of marijuana in my life and it seemed natural to couple weed with psychedelics as I've coupled weed with any other psychoactive substance I've ever ingested in the past. After the first couple of hits, I started feeling very high. The feeling became very intense, very rapidly, and I started feeling overwhelmed. I've felt this exact feeling before and I knew what was happening. Even as I was drifting, I was very aware of what was happening. This was the classic shock that sometimes occurs when smoking weed. Some people call it a nicotine shock, explaining that not all of the nicotine in the tobacco has been evaporated and that it's basically an overdose of nicotine. I don't know what actually happens, but I've tried it many times and because of that, I knew how to deal with it. The very start of this 'shock' was nothing more than 'smoking too much weed'. The struggle of trying to be ok while feeling intense overwhelming discomfort, light-headedness, and cold sweats, became too much and I felt that I needed to lie down. Immediately after standing up in this condition, I knew that I was going to pass out if didn't sit back down, which I then did. When we had been in the spa I had tried closing my eyes and I remember not being surprised by it. What I saw was slightly more significant then what I would usually see by closing my eyes and applying pressure to them. Now, however, as I was collapsed onto the table, shifting around in discomfort, I was tripping. Exactly what I saw is hard to describe, but still vivid enough that I could animate exactly what I saw (if I could animate). I was shown objects that shifted in and out of form. I saw objects in their full form and then I would be zoomed in, to see the building blocks. I would see small orbs as information in a grid, describing the full nature of the object. It was exactly like the trip simulations you can watch on youtube. At a point, I realized that by chanting words in my mind, such as 'love, friendly, and calm' I completely changed the situation. By saying these words, their meaning manifested in every way you can imagine. Now, instead of enduring, I was calm, happy, and extremely fascinated. I was just looking at whatever was happening and it was beautiful. Eventually, I felt it fade away and I knew it was time to open my eyes. there was no more to see. This was more or less the end of my trip. in the hours to come, I was mostly tired and stoned. Feel free to ask me anything as I'm trying to express my experience in order to understand and internalize.

I know that being sleep deprived can produce psychotic and schizophrenic symptoms, but I was wondering about the specific and typical experiences that come with sleep-deprived psychotic episodes. Today I experienced something which I would categorize as a psychotic episode as a result of sleep deprivation. I hadn't slept in at least 48 hours and as I was talking to a friend, for a split second, it felt like I stopped existing. It's hard to explain, but it was like I was falling out of existence and reality was sort of not happening. It felt similar to the sensation of ego loss that you can experience in meditation. I hope someone can help me understand what is happening in a psychological, chemical and physical sense. Also, I hope to hear about similar experiences.

@Nervtine Thank you for the reply. This was exactly what I was looking for. As you mention, I was, in fact, very stressed at the time.

I’ve been having a rough go og it lately and whenever i find myself thinking some repeditive thought, like suicide or if i obsess over something, i react by tightening my muscles and shaking my head or my entire body. Pretty rediculous way to cope obviously, but i was wondering if anyone had similar physical reactions to such things and maybe if someone had any advice. Thanks bye.

@Nervtine thank you so much. I loved reading your reply. It helped me.

I know that being sleep deprived can produce psychotic and schizophrenic symptoms, but I was wondering about the specific and typical experiences that come with sleep-deprived psychotic episodes. Today I experienced something which I would categorize as a psychotic episode as a result of sleep deprivation. I hadn't slept in at least 48 hours and as I was talking to a friend, for a split second, it felt like I stopped existing. It's hard to explain, but it was like I was falling out of existence and reality was sort of not happening. It felt similar to the sensation of ego loss that you can experience in meditation. I hope someone can help me understand what is happening in a psychological, chemical and physical sense. Also, I hope to hear about similar experiences.

Thing is. I am seeing a therapist and it is not helping.

This happened also! One day, some time ago. I was meditating. I was tired before I started but as Leo says, you gotta be consistent. 10 minutes in or so, I started feeling, what can best be described as shifts. It felt like my head, arms and legs were taking turns to grow or shrink in size. They would either grow or shrink into infinity. It felt like my head was becomming smaller and smaller and it would become infinitely small. Than, without interaction, it would shift to my legs and they would also grow or shrink into infinity. Kind of hard to describe this... it was the most trippy experience that I can remember and it was'nt overwhelming, maybe because I knew that I could end the meditation whenever. I just sort of went with it, smiling like a gitty 4 yr old. Is this something or am O crazy?

It's 3 am and Instead of going to sleep I felt the need to express this situation while it's still clear in my head. For as long as I can remember i've been able to induce intense energy surges within my body, while listening to music as an example and focusing on my favorite parts of it. It's basically the chills you get from fear or being cold. This time was different though. I was in the process of something called wake induced lucid dreaming, which is a type of lucid dreaming where you let your body go to sleep while your mind remains awake (pretty lose description) and at a point i decided to try and watch my body to sort of hurry the process along. I watched my body and tried to imagine my central nervous system being lit up by light. I did this for a long time and each time I did, what felt like a surge of energy filled my body and sort of moved from my head to my feet. It became more intense the more focused I, but i was not able to "hold" the sensation for more than a couple of seconds. The only reason I stopped was because it sort of faded and honestly required so much focus that it was, i guess, too difficult. The experience is always euphoric btw. I've heard others describe it as overwhelming. I'm curious about what it could be? If anyone else can do this? How it ties in to spirituality especially and if there is a scientific explanation as well?

@OBEler I don't think what I experienced has anything to do with sleep paralysis. Iv'e experienced that, which didn't fill me with energy in any sort of way. Maybe i'm misunderstanding your comment tho.

@Pernani i'll be careful. I've been burned by not taking this stuff seriously before.

That's incredible. Going to look into that type of meditation and qi energy. Thank you.