yellowschnee

Hi, I have the fetish or sexual desire of wanting to be brutally tortured and then killed by a women. What do you guys think ?

Pro tip: After vaporizing weed you are left with AVB (already vaped bud). Basically decarboxylated weed which means you can just eat it, it's orally active. Extremely potent stuff. 1-2 teaspoons of AVB are enough to send you on to a 6 hour long ride most of the times. This is extremely efficient and results in you saving at least 30-50% of material as opposed to smoking it.

I highly recommend Storz & Bickel vaporizers. They are a little pricier but I promise it's worth it. The Plenty is 250€ and is very nicely equipped. Those things will last for years and years if handled properly. Just don't put DMT in it as it's really hard to get the smell of it out of any vaporizer.

I have a quick question about gay men. I'm not gay and it creates some serious ankwardness when I make closer friendship with a man. Maybe he only wants to be friends with me because of his sexual desires? And I find that maybe it's not appropriate to ask for their intentions. Even if it's a very nice person I find it hard to handle it. Especially then. What are your thoughts on this?

Reminds me of what they say about heroin. You don't have any hangovers after taking it.

I'm extremely skeptical about the research that is put into psychedelic psychotherapy and similar stuff. Imagine the psychiatric/psychotherapeutic system forcing people on psychedelics like it is the case today with other psychiatric substances. Yes, right now there are people who are doing semi healing oriented or completely healing oriented work on this but there is capitalism and other factors which are bitches. Besides the benefits you might find in psychedelic use - don't ever over glorify it because it might well go into the opposite direction of what you aspired it to be. Again, as a the best example I want to name the modern psychiatric system. It's leading to so much unimaginable destruction, it's hard to fathom this. We need to be very careful with re-distributing our supposed gained knowledge. I have a theory too, that there is a phenomenon in which people take toxic substances and in order to process what they have done to themselves by the intake of it they put in on to others and advertise it as something which it is not. This might cause the targeted persons to repeat that cycle and go to the next 'victims' making the whole scheme grow exponentially . Dangerous stuff. If this is true then it is maybe due to a lack of consciousness. Or blind spots in the way society on both individual and collective functions. Because it's a natural rule that focus can only be at one thing at a time.

1st trip: To test the DMT I had I vaporized a minimal amount of it. I had some mild effects. After it I was thinking: What the fuck happened for the last 5-10 minutes? 2nd trip: About 45 minutes after the first trip I decided to take it further and vaporize a larger dose. This time it really hit me hard. This was beyond a threshold dose but not a breakthrough dose yet. There was some paranoia that I might had been seen. There should be no guilt about this. I was also doing it outsides. It shook me to the core for a little bit but then slowly faded away. No intention was set before and I focussed on healing after the trip. 3rd trip: About 3-4 hours after that I spontaneously decided to try a breakthrough dose by plugging it. I again wasn't clear enough about my intentions and was in a hurry to do it (maybe too much, I don't know). I emptied a 5-HTP capsule, ate the content and put some DMT in it. Then I plugged it. I didn't really know if I could plug freebase DMT. After some reasearch in which I found out that you can at least plug 5-MeO-DMT freebase I decided that it also has to work with N,N-DMT. I dissolved some more of the substance in 6% acidic vinegar and added some tap water. It ended up being too much water and maybe I should have also used distilled water. Would that make a difference? I took a pipette for the rectal administration and had to load it up for quite a few times. I first wanted to have another person with me who was sleeping at the time but when it hit me I decided to do it alone. The first thing I was noticing were some mild visuals and a very mild DMT feeling. Nothing really mentionable but it gave me the impression that the plugging would work. 10 Minutes in. It got stronger and stronger. I first had the idea to sleep to the DMT but as I realized how strong this would gonna be I tried to sit up and meditate. I didn't know what to focus on so I just focussed on my breath which was the easiest option. Suddenly I had to go to the bathroom to take a shit. Maybe it was too much liquid. Or it was due to the fact that the freebase is not really good for the rectum. Maybe also the vinegar. Another thing was that it hit me so strong that I felt like it would be better if I would get it out. So there I was on the toilet. Standing up from the toilet and the way to my bedroom felt like reality was folding itself and the now was morphing in high speeds for the inevitable to happen. I had a similar experience on high doses of neuroleptics a year ago. So then I was first sitting, then lying on my bed, half meditating. I popped out several times and at multiple times I didn't know if it was over yet or not. I was at a point at which I thought I would be dying for real. I said to myself that I probably would not die but not dying was just not rational. Unlike at my first DMT trip 3 years ago this time I maybe wasn't so certain that I would die but it was still putting me into the death zone on another level. Maybe the last DMT I had was purer. The total experience lasted for about 45 minutes. Next time I want to set my intentions clearer. I was in the right state of developement and mind but still I can't stress enough the importance of setting intentions. The setting also was not the best one although it had some major upsides. 100% alone would be better for me.

Some poems I have written: When do we realize what's good for us? When does the resolution come? What state are you in? Crying. Primal, primitive energies bloating themselves, ammasing. What's the matter? Addictions, over and over again. Focus. Unfocus. Bam. This time when the old person their heart out, desperate about life. After all, what in this world is of use? Poisons equalized into medicines, medicines blunted into poisons... Is there an ultimate authority, and if so, does that figure likewise have one of it's own? Questions over questions. Not even thinking. Is the content I'm providing even of my own? Dear secret watcher, take me up with your good intentions. Let the paranoia be waved in the right direction and make it of use to the world. Let the crooked divines find their way and the critics be satisfied or offput. Clinging to the bliss; not letting go, no. Nostalgia, too strong to come up against. Why would you even bother? The modern teachings of life and the rumors driven around one particular state maybe. One thing or many, I don't know. Deep blame. Saying to myself; I don't care what other people think of me. Bruh, that doesn't count. The final problem. Metta. Make it the way you want. Struggling? Yes, possible. Common indeed. One thing said from the realm of sleep and dreams; direction happens by itself and you will do something very weird. If you want to reach that goal then I don't know what to tell you because I have yet to go this path. For me to read. I will swear to myself that I make it so. Get along with my habits. Go out into beautiful surroundings. Find out why I am the way I am. Getting to know other people. Writing this to myself. No thing that is not too far away, yet so indefinable. Eyes closed. Slowly drifting into the main area of drowsiness. Nothing special that is here. Oh boy , oh girl. Psychedelic state . What is psychedelic even? Everything is. Big confusion with substances... Fascinated by the happenings. Accepting the shady parts. Not even calling it that because things have to be loved. We will get along. At least you will not die miserable. And if you do, you will still have many pers and tweaks to it. Brilliance of beginning and end. Am I allowed to? Power. Take it slowly. Amateur, seems professional. Miss the opportunity. Fear. Groundless fear driven into the deepsest fearce. I cannot even explain. Dumb trap we have fallen in. At least me. Maybe not you, who knows. Please take care. Saying that because of my feelings and things crashing down. The biggest accomplishment to society has to be rewarded with the least amount. To change things might make matters worse. But unless you do it you will never know. Here for you and am very unlikely to go elsewhere. It's not worth it and that's the price of life. Finding and being. Beautiful picture. Laser pointing towards the sky, ha, nothing will be left. There's a lion at the window and a wolfe out the dark. What do I want from life? What does money do? Come so far and then take the wrong way. Or only took one step but it exponentially goes the right way big time. Equanimous ecstasy. Really dark state kushed into the most blissful state imaginable. Sitting here getting nowhere. Too far out there, no hope. Everything is so relative. We are much older than we think we are. Actually time is like an onion peeling itself. Only 1% of the inner layer is still there. Ain't no place that I gotta be - still two steps back from where I wanna be. Drifting, nothing is normal anymore. Norms swept away. Skyrocketing out there. Getting to many places I used to want to get to. Yet there is still that lack. Or is there? Transmorphing. Loop. Do I really ...? I can see it clearly for fractures of seconds at a time. All that hard to get out of. At one point going to do the hard work in the wrong context. Gone. Think of the unthinkable, be safe while taking the risk. In other words; it will happen. Soul crying. Why do I fall for such states? It has to happen. After all it's not going to matter. No difference between me getting anywhere or not. Or is there? Regret in late life. Magic Chase it? Danger Opportunity Greed And all falls down Supposed to give me chills. Medicine, Drugs, Poison. Substance of eternal material. Physical and not potable. Respect and eternal confusion of spirit. Infinity, what a hazardous word. Verklärt. Food, parasite taking over. Energy becoming so shallow, almost non existent. Until it fades away. No one might even closely attempt to fathom this. Clarity. Stuck in the realm of endless circles and loops. Taking this to dimensions. Never know what it will end up as. Joke: Oh dear, please allow me to be in this state. I could take you to places you never witnessed Discover the unlimited space of stuckness. Vagabond. Paint your journey. Far too many implications to explain. Way too little of a format to put into picture. Balance through chaos And maybe it is all how it is supposed to be. What if we change a fundamental somewhere though? Radical. Take part xyz Leave part ... Stance in a dangerous place. Almost died in the unlikely case of this arrangement called life. Zillions of sperm cells and still it's me out of the whole field. Where is the gratitude? Blank // I wanted to write something useful. So now I do. Narcissistic. Ooohhh Disney music is so eloquently marketed. What a cult like point of thought. Going down this road, this is not something little. This is hard stuff. Like da hard drug but just that. Becoming part of a 'subquential' reality. Paranoia. This is the way it flows. On the goiiing, the showwwinnggg. Singing: And I juuust must do alone but a there a is a little issue. Deeply driven. Deeply fearced. Downward scarysism. Somewhat gratiousness. And so deeply, deeply in touch with the dark light. Harsh and getting in my own right. Low frequency and high volume of heat loss. Burning and aging, huge drawlessness. Forging into mind and mystery. Impure. Foolish youthness. The great problem. Makes an inward explosion of chaos , being a faceless creature of communing extraparts and voluntary particles. High pitch simulated dimension and going almost to the realm of catchy hyperspace in my means. Psychiatric mumification of the cubicle of a certain brain compartment. Do we see the light shining towards my ankle space , dough. Out for the two and infinite worlds. Post as it goes

@ahmad ibdah MAOIs are really nasty in terms of nutrition. You really have to eat the right things

@Leo Gura I didn't weigh it. A rough estimate would be 50-70mg. Some parts of it felt like a breakthrough and I'm not sure if it was one. Some people say that you know for certain if you had a breakthrough but I think there might be something like a partly breakthrough.

looks like there was a blood bath beforehand: Curtains

@Serotoninluv Very rarely. Depends on the type of woman and the personality she has and the state that I'm in. It's rather my sexual attraction to her that creates anxiousness because I feel like it might be unwholesome or that the whole thing of sexual attraction might be flawed somehow. Plus (and this is almost even more excruciating) the fact that she might not be sexually attracted to me feels like it's hurting both of us. I used to be on a big 'no fap, no sex' trip for spiritual reasons mainly. It then occurred sometimes that I was up to being friends with them only. It's true that it weirdly happens that a number of women start chasing you as soon as you give up chasing them. @Leo Gura I don't understand where you are coming from. I think it's normal to ask oneself of each others intentions in friendships. @Shiva It mainly bothers me because of the status of our pending friendship. Friendships are always somehow connected with dependencies or at least they can be. The aspect that the person you are friends with is sexually attracted to you and you are not doesn't fit in there.

Is there a species that used machines before us humans did?

How does brainwashing work? I thought about brainwashing a bit. And stumbled upon this article: https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/brainwashing1.htm Brainwashing going on at psychiatric hospitals comes to mind. Brainwashing trough songtexts and advertising. Brainwashing in relationships. Both sides seem to lose a lot of energy.

I probably need to be in a different state to understand this

I don't get what you guys are writing. It's either too deep for my understanding or doesn't have anything to do with the topic.

Hi, can anyone elaborate on the kinds of shamans that are out there? I can remember coming across a few 'Western shamans' who were practicing it by taking drugs to alter their mind and work through psychic stuff of themselves and others . I have heard of a kind of shaman who lives his calling by putting poisons into their bodies and then others who were gradually doing healthier and more balanced practices. I think that a lot of the things portrayed as mental illness are in reality distinct forms of shamanism and this is most often not easily recognized but always dwelling in the background and those people are unconsciously honored and praised very much but this gratitude is commonly very hard for the shaman to recognize as it is mostly not expressed voluntarily.

I had the following question in another thread: 'Why is Kriya Yoga held so secretive?' And @kerk replied, quote 'Most of the discussion on Kriya Yoga seems to be happening in the Kriya Yoga Mega Thread. As to the question about why it's held secretive ... There are probably several reasons, but here are two of them. Kriya's founder Lahiri Mahasaya was very resistant to organizations and groups forming around Kriya Yoga, and asked his disciples to keep it to themselves. It was said that even next-door neighbors who were longtime Kriyabans did not know that about each other. While Lahiri held group readings and discussions in his home, these were not Kriya instructions which were always given individually, or to married couples. So in keeping with his wishes, that tradition has held -- to some degree -- in the years since his passing in 1895. His chief disciple, Panchanon Bhattacharya, perhaps relaxed it slightly, as he traveled in India to meet groups of Kriya practitioners and apparently these events included some technical discussions or demonstrations. In the main, however, Kriya spread through the network that grew from Lahiri to his disciples and then to their disciples and on to today. You will also find Kriya teachers who baldly claim that they belong not to Lahiri's known lineage, but were taught by "Babaji" himself, the immortal, quasi-mythical guru Lahiri encountered in 1868. When there are thousands of people who want to learn Kriya, some sort of structure and organization would appear necessary. Today, some organizations such as SRF and KYIO teach their versions of Kriya in groups, though these are still nonpublic events and admission is only to those who have agreed to keep the techniques secret. Dozens of other, perhaps less well-known sources, still teach privately. Another reason is simply guided, personal instruction so that the initiate knows what to do, is monitored to see that they are doing OK, and has the opportunity to ask questions. You see on the Kriya mega thread people trying various techniques from books, not all of which are Lahiri's Kriya; some apparently doing them to excess and mixing them with drugs even. I don't think any legitimate Kriya teacher would support that. Some have been frustrated with the culture of secrecy and written at length about it and even reinterpreted it in attempts to expose the teaching to the greater world. There are widely varying opinions about whether their information is authentic or even safe. I hope that helps answer your question. '

Why is Kriya Yoga held so secretive?

@kerkVery good answer, thank you @cetus56@kerk I didn't know there was a Kriya Yoga Mega Thread. Let's move my question there. I'm not sure if mods can move things in such a fashion so I'll just post the question in the thread and try to quote kerk.

Hi. I'm wondering how I can browse the web anonymously and privately. The main issue seems to be comfort. How to have privacy without sacrificing too much comfort? I want to ditch all google services but YouTube is such an isle… Especially that I have to quit. For music I'm looking forward to get a paid service. I think it's better to pay for that stuff instead of sacrificing privacy. Then I'll get different laptops and phones for different activities. One for work, one for media and one for other stuff. I'll get an anonymous operating system like tails because I don't trust windows. I will only use windows for the necessary stuff and use Tor browser for as much as possible. Some programs won't run on a Linux device. I already switched to a somewhat anonymous email and search engine provider. To do list: Buy devices solely for the purpose of privacy Look into alternatives for YouTube and social media Clear my personal profile from the web. Erase my web identity. Get rid of all Google accounts Look into other privacy enhancing stuff like Whonix Ultimately use the web less Can anyone think of something that can be added to that list? How seriously do you guys take privacy on the web? There is more data collection than one could ever imagine. It's scary.

Hi, since Google modifies and personalizes search results based on the person who is using it I thought it would be cool to swap Google accounts between different people to get out of the personal bubble that is created by using just your own account. This is probably not that practical because most users have lots of private data stored on it. That's why I think it would make a whole lot of sense to write a program that does it. One of the options could include being able to choose between different types of persons or characters and get results revolving around that profile. What do you think about this? Do you have anything to add? And do you know any reasonable alternatives to the Google services?

@AutumnThat makes sense but who knows… I thought about the program making volunteers log in to their google accounts so that it would scan their results and/or YouTube start pages. Manually searching from someone else's account might be an issue because that would change their future results. The program could maybe use shared accounts.

Yeah, my main search engine is now duckduckgo. It doesn't have everything though, like YouTube and stuff. Also, at some rare occasions I just don't find the desired thing with duckduckgo that I find with google...

Hi, in this post I want to tell a little bit of my story. When I was 7 years old I falsely accused the boyfriend of my mother of rape. He then got 7 years in prison because of that and me and my 5-6 year old brother who were previously living with my mother were put into care families. My mother was not allowed to find us and after she somehow got the address of the care family we were living in and came there, we were taken to another one. That happened after like 9 months. I didn't live in the same family as my brother anymore and 2,5 years after that I ran away from them because I was tired of doing all the work they had given to me. This lead to an endless circle of changes in the places I lived in. I ended up changing it like 20 times and finally ended up in kind of an own assisted living flat in the age of 16. I started following Leo at that time around. Mostly the changes occurred due to unethical behavior from my side like stealing, lying or such. I used to do a lot of that. With 17 I got the opportunity to go to the canary islands for 3 months were I graduated from school. It's the lowest graduation available here in Germany. Even though I tried to continue school for another year it didn't lead to a further graduation for the reasons following. With 17/18 years I got my very own flat. All that change of family doesn't seem as bad now as I have made so many diverse and good experiences there. I did quite a bit of personal development progressively throughout that time. First I did the basic stuff like pickup, how to not care about what other people think of you, emotional development and so on. I read quite a few books. It was not important to me how much money I spent on them. I watched every single of Leo's new videos at some point and a good chunk of his old videos. It was always a little bit difficult for me to take notes. A few times I wrote down every single word Leo said in a video. I just couldn't focus on the most important stuff because all of it seemed important. When Leo brought out his first video about enlightenment I immediately resonated with what he said. He talked about meditation before that and I was introduced to some kinds of meditation and to buddhism. At that time there was someone arising called Rali aka 'Naked Reality'. I watched every single one of his videos. I started doing some psychedelics; LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, n,n-dmt and cannabis. I always did it with some intention like spiritual progression. During that I learned meditation by Yuttadhammo Bhikku. Walking meditation and sitting meditation. I did that regularly for over a year. Then it hit me. In a time in which I happened to do a lot of psychedelics and meditation I finally wrote a letter to my mom which I hadn't seen for more than 10 years. It took me more that 24 hours to write. During that whole time I took no break. And while I was doing it I felt more and more that I was enlightened. I began the letter with the phrase 'I don't know what to write but just write down the truth'. Writing down the truth about what happened in my childhood felt like finding the Truth with a capital 'T' Some extraordinary stuff also happened then: I was having visions of times in my childhood where I might have died but came back for some reason. It was like the universe was downloading stuff into my head, just like I have heard someone say on the internet. When I finished the letter I thought that I was fully enlightened and thought that everything was possible. I went to school without having slept and told everyone in the classroom that I loved them and really meant it. I was openly talking about some student about drugs and my opinions about it. I told my teachers about enlightenment and they thought I was crazy. They put me into a room and called an ambulance which ultimately lead to a 9 week psychiatric hospital stay. With the struggle of explaining the psychiatrists that I was enlightened, trying to talk like Osho I got diagnosed with psychosis and later with Schizophrenia. I was pumped up with various neuroleptics and other psychiatric substances at high doses. That was the worst experience I ever had in my life. My body and mind reacted so badly to it I can't imagine a worse torture method. Not even my worst enemies I would wish that kind of treatment. I decide to go vegan after the initial stay at the psychiatry 2,5 years ago which I am still. During that time I was hospitalized over and over again. In fact I have spent a sub total of over a year in psychiatric hospitals. I successfully completed a 10 day vipassana course by Goenka somewhere in between it. I kept the practice of 2 hours a day for like 2-3 months but got re hospitalized again and couldn´t continue meditating due to the heavy 'medication'. Right now I managed to come off all psychiatric substances but I'm far from well. Spiritually I'm pretty down because I don't have the courage to meditate. I was told it's not good to meditate with a 'mental disorder' like that and I took it like that. I definitely want to build a strong spiritual and concentration practice in the future thought. That's very important to me. I'm pretty much on Netflix and YouTube all day and barely have any discipline. I'm also tempted to do stupid things like drugs. I'm aware I should stay away from psychedelics at least for the next few years but it's just so tempting to just go into that 'spiritual realm'. I did some pot, mostly cbd but also thc and some very low doses of mdma and lsd in the last 6 months. I don't think I used it in the right way. I feel like I'm stuck and that my life is going nowhere right now. I don't skate as much anymore which was my big passion. Right before I was hospitalized the first time for 'psychosis' I rolled my ankle - this disabled me to some point in terms of skateboarding. And after all my experience with the so called 'mental illness' was more like a spiritual emergence to me. Thanks for reading.