Surfingthewave

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Posts posted by Surfingthewave

  1. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    14 hours ago, mandyjw said:

     It was mostly just something that came along with the general sexual repression of the mostly religious community I grew up in.

     @mandyjw

    I guess this is where shame starts. 

    It's interesting you felt you had to fit in to be accepted. 

    Often we feel shame when we don't fit in with a group (I did). 

    Yes judgement in action can come from all groups. Judgement comes about through lack of understanding, do you think? 

  4. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @mandyjw Do you still judge homosexuals, gay people? How was that? 

    @soos_mite_ah Brene Brown has some excellent books on shame. 

    I've realised shame has more of a societal cause than individual. As the above describes it could be religion,class, upbringing, the othering of people/sexuality etc. Abuse/trauma also have a big part to play. 

     

     

     

  5. Posted

    @Chew211 Yes but people can get lost looking at the map rather than seeing what's in front of them  (I know I did) for example connecting with someone right there in moment.

    No I didn't see that re the OP but I guess the principles apply to dating as I suppose a lot of people struggle in this area. 

    You're right, conviction is important when expressing opinion. As is non conviction or as you say the "don't know - I'm here to learn". If you say can you help me with this nine times out of 10 someone will. Vulnerability = strength. Perhaps people don't want to appear vulnerable or in the not knowing that's why a lot of ghosting happens? 

    We seem to have lost the OP but nice chatting with you and good luck on the path

    ? 

  7. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @Chew211

    The great part about theory is learning about it and then transcending it.

    Theorising is an important part of this work as you say but will it get you a date? 

    It comes down to understanding and listening to the person your with, (same sex or opposite sex) and not letting your ego or concepts get in the way. 

    Although you are listening, you appear fairly certain about your way of thinking, this may be a common problem. 

    Radical open-mindedness is what society needs, particularly when it comes to relationships. I feel the new norm is about throwing the dating rule book out the window and just connecting with others. Over analysis is a symptom of the problem. 

    The OP was about men expressing themselves and I think the underlying issue here is that self expression has got lost in all the game changes we have seen in the past 10 or so years. Particularly when it comes to dating/relationships. 

  9. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @Chew211

    I interpreted the OP about man's obsession with winning, that's the point of a fight, right? 

    You seem to be a bit bogged down in theoretical concepts, it's fine but be aware this can hinder progress at times. I disagree actually, the Universals can change, that change comes through enlightenment. 

    We do have to use the system to break away from it and go our own way like like Ghandi, Luther King, Virginia Woolf, Dali.

    @Emerald

    I think you're absolutely right about marketing /advertising buying into women and men's struggles/weaknesses/self esteem difficulties therefore perpetuating the problem.The most recent thing I've seen is mental health and self improvement. The constant bombardment of this makes us continually feel we need to change ourselves.

    In dating many feel it's a struggle so go into it, thinking it's a struggle so it therefore it will be. Rather than working on enjoying life and things that make you feel good (raising your vibration to attract what you want). 

    The solution, be very aware of it. 

  10. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @socraticstatic Yes I can relate ? welcome to the forum. Great to see a likeminded person here and to hear how you got here. 

    I also like the tough talking, no shit attitude on here. I'm not much of a Teal Swan fan either.

    Be warned you can end up down rabbit holes of non duality and masculinity among other things. Just don't be like Alice and end up blindly following the ?. 

    Enjoy. 

     

  11. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @SamC

    You are valued and you are loved. This has to come from you though, not from others. 

    Instead of seeing yourself valuable through the role you play in other people's lives (which you don't need to be) be valuable through the fact you find yourself important enough to express who you are and your truth. 

    Someone actually posted something similar to the above on the forum and I thought it was beautiful. I could relate as someone who has been through trauma.

    Sending love ? 

  12. Posted

    @Chew211 To fuck the world as you so describe surely you've got to play the game. And that's the problem. 

    The OP was about winning, no?  

    How do you win if the game is totally different. The rules have changed in the last decade - men (and women) need to keep up.

    Red pill thinking is absolutely an ideolgy, imo an extension of locker room talk. 

    Truth is we all get a shock from the  conditioning we have been fed over the years from media/education/systems/capitalism/dating etc. Men are scared as they don't know how to date/what women want/how to express themselves and women's needs/desires/wants have changed so radically. 

    Was it Marilyn Manson that said keep people afraid and they will consume. (although now it turns out he is an abuser so maybe not so valid). 

  13. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @RendHeaven @Chew211

    So tell us, now is your opportunity. What are the Struggles men face? Interestingly no one had really taken up this thread. Do you think men struggle tto articulate as they don't want to appear vulnerable? 

    I had to stop watching the video as there were so many assumptions made for both men and women. It is very hetronormative and plays into the male victim narrative. 

    @Emerald you make some important points (as you have in other threads). Particularly about men having the space to be emotional beings.

    Women are able to do this naturally with friends colleagues. I think, in my opinion, men don't have this space to be open about self esteem issues and difficulties so it can manifest in other unproductive ways such as anger, toxic masculinity, low self esteem, low confidence, assumptions about women etc. 

  14. Posted

    @SamC  Hi there. 

    Reaching out to others is a really important part of this work. 

    What I sense (but I could be wrong) is you've allowed your trauma to define you for so long (as  did I). When you start working on it you begin to loose the hold and identity it has over you. 

    Keep going deeper into this work and you will come out the other side. The results you will see will astound you and you will know who you are. 

     

  16. Posted

    8 hours ago, Someone here said:

    It's all programed into you from the beginning.. Stuff like a good meal.. Sexual orgasm.. Socializing.. Entertainment.. Etc pull the switch of dopamine in your brain and that basically makes you happy... That's all that there is to it.  There is no such thing as "unconditional happiness". Or happiness via no means whatsoever. Just doesn't make sense. 

    You're still stuck in the materialist paradigm which stems from overthinking. 

    There is such a thing as unconditional happiness it's called awareness. 

    Do you have a meditation practice? 

  20. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @Valwyndir

    I think it's important to offer a perspective yes,  and what you're offering is exactly how attached we get to certain perspectives. 

    The perspective is still not real. 

    It is still a story. 

    If it helps you to arrive at the recognition of what is, then great.

    Just be careful of over complicating and over theorising. 

    Walk away from all perspectives and see what happens.

    I don't personally have a paradigm of what Enlightenment or God is. I gave all that up years ago. That's the golden key. I had the key, but there is no door. 

    I just relish in the what is. 

    The what is, is, experiencing. 

    No concepts, no stories. 

    It's the most beautiful thing. 

     

  21. Posted

    2 hours ago, Valwyndir said:

     

    1. Do you ever seek to invalidate someone else's perspective?

    2. Do you see certain perspectives as more "correct" than other perspectives.

    3. Do you believe gaining another perspective means letting go of an old one?

    4. Do you believe that to abide in non-dual awareness you must erase all dualities in your mind?

    5. Do you believe that from the absolute perspective, reality is infinite?

    6. Do you believe that from the absolute perspective, you are God?

    Enlightenment is seeing past the fabrication of perspective itself. 

    Enlightenment is to see the dependence of everything on everything else.

    So many people get caught up in being God that they forget to enjoy their humanness. 

    You are both human and God. You are not one more than you are the other.

     

    The bottom line is that reality is non-dual. 

    The dualities you seek to invalidate are the essence of the non-dual paradigm you seek to validate. 

    The key here is nonattachment. 

     

    @Valwyndir

    Good examination of non- duality here but I had a few more questions. 

    Who is the "you" you refer to in your questions? 

    What do you mean when you use the word Enlightenment? 

    What do you mean when you use the word "God"? 

    How (experientially not theoretically) have you arrived at this perspective? 

    You describe Enlightenment as a way of seeing. But perhaps place less emphasis on it's meaning and more emphasis on it as being or a Knowing. 

    You are trying to describe the indescribable. 

    Good attempt though. 

     

  22. Posted

    25 minutes ago, Chew211 said:

    It's not that we want to physically fight, it's that the male instinct is to dominate-- an instinct that is beaten out of us so that society can function.

    There's a trade off between male instinct and societal function-- the key is maximizing your ability to act on your masculine instincts, while getting the most benefits from being part of society. 

    Good thread here @Dancer

    @Chew211 Why do you think the male instinct is to dominate? Does this harp back to the hunter/ gatherer cave people times? 

  23. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    16 hours ago, juni said:

    free flowing and not-sustaining emotional and mental states in relationships are huge spiritual work.

    then there is always the clear sense of knowing that both of us in relationship are just one emotion. by taking this emotion as a seed of new beginnings the surroundings are spontaneously and automatically recontextualized and truly recognized

    @juni Absolutely. Thank you for your beautifully written words. 

    This perspective is very loving, harmonious and ultimately the basis of enlightenment. 

    Yes rather than the view- "what can I get out of this relationship" the more conscious you are it hopefully should be how can we conquer this precious world together with this powerful love we hold. 

  24. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    12 hours ago, Keyhole said:

    I had an ex who gaslit...  I have graffiti outside of the for sale sign on my place that is too specific to have been done by a stranger, he would record me on his phone and make up lies to send to the cops when I tried to kick him out and he would make up stories in these to refute, beat his ex with a hammer, recorded us having sex when I was too drunk to consent, used my money on drugs, lived off of me for free and when I tried to kick him out threatened me, and made me feel alone by making me out to be the problem, ect, ect, ect, I'd listen to his childhood sob stories for hours but he never got to know me - I was under the impression if I just changed myself that he would love me so I created a false image of him to fantasize about while dealing with the harsh side.

    I'm over it, but that is run of the mill gaslighting behaviour.  I've dealt with it a lot.  What I have noticed is that two people usually gaslight each other.  One is often very subtle, the other then becomes outwardly 'loud' about it, and it goes on in circles.

    I don't believe that most people are exempt from these behaviors.  I think that people just lie to themselves and pretend like they don't do it and everyone else does.  And that's why you have like, everyone in the world claiming to have dated a narcissist even though it is a super rare mental disorder, and so many other ones overlap - both in personality disorder and psychotic disorders.

    That said a lot of people do gaslight on this forum and the reason for it is that this is a marketplace for people to share ideas with the hopes it will infect another person's mind with something.  Most folks don't want to learn, they just want to teach - and so you have a bunch of folks vying for the spot of being able to be the one to get another poor sob to "see the light".  I can't tell you how many times I have run into "you're doing it wrong" after having a paradigm altering awakening.  Or coming back from a flashback to find it being scrutinized when repressed trauma coming up is the norm for this journey.
    It's annoying.

    The problem with this place is that people here have issues with vulnerability.  Really.

    Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your story, it was 15 or so years ago but I remember having this real sense of fear on leaving. This was before I started all the consciousness work. 

    I've started to realise the importance of breaking down and removing labels. Who are we to judge who's  narcissistic/had mental health problems / trauma or not. Part of this work is the self realisation we are all just an assortment of feelings, thoughts, sensations, stories and memories, some memories are so traumatic it can seep into how we express ourselves and connect with others in relationships. Often intergenerationally as @tsuki describes. 

    I agree with you about the forum which is why it needed calling out. I also feel there are some real enlightened folk on here so it's knowing the difference. Who wants to be right all the time? The world would be boring if we all were! But it's about knowing and self reflection. Lots of folk like the sense of self and feedback you can get from teaching others particularly when going through difficult things yourself. 

    You've nailed it when you talk about vulnerability. It's hard for a lot of us to be vulnerable but there is so much strength in it and it is a massive part of this work. Have you heard of the work of Brene Brown? She is making waves in the world of expressing vulnerability. 

  25. Posted · Edited by Surfingthewave

    @commie

    Sorry if you've been triggered 

    @tsuki  A good analogy thanks. There are also other ways children /people can process psychological traumas in relationships as well as denial (mental health/self esteem difficulties etc). 

    It's hard to provide evidence for emotional abuse though when we're talking about the judicial system. I think women can feel not heard /etc nothing to do with victimhood and more to do with society today. Seemingly this is getting better though.