ctzonka

Hi friends, Why is it that the more you try in a friendship and in a relationship, the more the other seems to pull away. It's like always a game and the more I try the less my guy friends wanna hangout with me and the less I try with a girl the more she gives to me. I want to be able to give my all to someone and my friends, but this has been a problem my whole life so idk what to do. The only thing that seems to work is if I act, keyword being "act" like I'm confident as ever and don't care what they do whether with me or not. It seems like the more detached I am and the happier I act, the more people wanna be around me. But truth is, I'm happiest when I connect with others. But I struggle to even connect because when I try to connect they pull away. Anyone who's been through this have some advice?

@ajasatya I'd say just to be happy. I don't know what it is I'd want to work for. Maybe that's laziness, there isn't a type of work I "enjoy" doing. But when I'm living life and happy I do have other passions. So I think that will come next. Thank you for your advice.

@Etagnwo Thank you for the advice! I think that we can lower our neediness but never truly eliminate it. For me, self-esteem plays a big role in it and it is very hard for me to be alone. I think as self-esteem rises I will be able to lower this neediness and understand it, but not eliminate it.

@Truth Thank you for the advice man. Truly appreciate it!

@ajasatya The question is, how do you find it? I think for me, it is a self-esteem thing that I need to address first before i can comfortably search for what I enjoy alone.

@ajasatya The thought of being alone terrifies me. It is boring and there is nothing to do that seems fun. Maybe there's a way to ease into it and spend a day alone a week or something along those lines? Because when I'm alone I shut down and don't do anything. I don't want to be a slave to other's I want to have a personality of my own. I think self-esteem is a good place to start. What are your thoughts on that?

@egoeimai Yes there is neediness in my friendships and relationships. I often feel let down and also like everyone is against me.

@Truth I feel I can connect with almost anyone if I become present and enjoy their company. That's the thing, if I am happy and enjoying things myself I connect with all people. I'm like a chameleon and can enjoy anyone's company, no matter what their personality is. I worry sometimes that I don't have a personality though because I just say what people wanna hear. However, I have been going to therapy and even took anti-depressants, and I think a big part why I feel alone, sad, depressed, needy, and can't enjoy things alone is because of self-esteem. Often times when I feel accepted by others my own individual personality comes out, but this is only after being accepted. This is where the dependency on others comes from. @Truth I really enjoy and value your insights. Thank you!

@Etagnwo What is the right idea then? How do you date someone or be friends with someone at that without being needy? I feel a great need for other's in my life. I hate being alone.

@Truth Also if what you're saying is true. Then by eliminating this neediness you are implying that we as humans don't need anyone and should live completely alone because there is no need for others. Why try and connect or engage with others if you don't need them?

@Truth I agree with a majority of what you said. But when it comes connecting, I mean enjoying the little things in life, like talking about food, or crap that you think is funny. I don't do that because I feel no one really see's things my way and when I say something they just don't get it. Nonetheless that wasn't the main topic. I could see how it is neediness. Neediness to be happy and to enjoy other's. But I'm miserable alone and don't enjoy doing much. I'm not sure how to fix this or how to let go of a need for validation of others. Do you have any suggestions?

Has anyone been diagnosed with this or feel it is real/fake? I have brain tumors and am worried that they affect my brain chemistry to give me BPD. But I don't know I also have the thought that this disease may not be real and may just be a lack of self-esteem and sense of self. Thanks!

@Quanty @Nadosa @Prabhaker Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them very much. I have not overcame cancer: what i have is called brain cavernous malformations which are a form of tumors. But the focus of the topic was on BPD. Have any of you had experience with this “personality disorder”? Much Love to all of you.

Hello community, My question to everyone is, will it always take effort to be yourself? Will this effort get easier? Being yourself is something that you organically are and should naturally be, but it feels that is something that is my biggest struggle. Let me explain further: (Painting a picture) I decide how I'm going to act before I end up in a social scenario or whatever's next in my day. I feel vey down until I establish this and I bounce in between different versions of myself throughout the day (often with a lot of lows). I feel very insecure/lost when alone and don't know what to do with my life or even my day. I have an established job making 75k, but even so I feel so unfulfilled and lost day to day. I don't even know what I enjoy, and the things I think I enjoy like exercise, running, basketball, take effort to enjoy. It doesn't just happen on it's own. I feel as if I'm detached from myself and I'm constantly trying to break through just to be myself. Which I'm not even totally sure who that is in full. (Conclusion) Community, how do you enjoy the day to day when you don't have a grand purpose in life and all these little activities seem pointless but that's all there is in your life? I believe I'm most happy when I connect with people, but, I'm acting with these people. Saying things I think they'll want to hear and see. I've concluded that an answer to this is to isolate and find who I am alone. Then gradually come back to other's. But even then, I say to myself what I'm going to do with the rest of my day and what not to feel secure instead of just being and doing what I wanna do alone. Is there something wrong with me, or is this something other's feel too? This was a long post so I highlighted the key questions to the community. I know this is a little self-helpy, but I'd appreciate any help / insights people might have on this topic and questions highlighted. Thanks guys

@Sahil Pandit @B_Naz @Nahm , Thank you for your responses. I didn't know if I'd receive any responses and was a little nervous to post. It filled me with joy to read your responses. I think a lot of it is rooted to self esteem and this low self esteem makes me question myself and my own opinions so much that it's hard to know my "self." That will be the start to actualization for me. Thank you for your responses <3