I am a 44 year old woman with two children in a long term relationship. My partner and I have sex once a week when the kids are away at his mother's, and though I don't necessarily enjoy it or need it, I've told him we can do it whenever he wants to in addition to that time. Trouble is, he won't tell me when he needs/wants it because he knows I don't, and he says he can't enjoy it if I can't enjoy it. Unfortunately, he then gets resentful because he thinks I'm not attracted to him, though I swear I am. (And I am.)
I grew up in a fundamentalist christian family, and my mother, who never said sex was wrong or bad, insisted I only have sex with "someone you love very much" and who would "make a good father." She didn't want me to be a statistic and ruin my future. She strongly suggested abstinence, since in her experience birth control didn't work. She had four children (I'm the oldest) and three of us were accidents. I was conceived while she was on the pill, my brother was planned, my next sister was conceived despite her IUD, then she had her tubes cut and tied, grew a new fallopian tube, and conceived my youngest sister. Not only that, but she had a shotgun marriage to my father, and miscarried on their honeymoon. I got the impression she felt like she had ruined her life.
I didn't want to be a young, single mother and ruin all of my plans for becoming a rockstar (yes, you read that right), so I took her advice to heart and shied away from sex until after college, despite my urges and leaving my faith behind. At 22, worried I'd be even more of a basket case when it came to sex if I waited much longer, I gave myself permission to have sex with a boyfriend. "This is what all the fuss is about?" I thought, completely underwhelmed. "This is what I've waited for? Really?"
After we broke up, I searched online for the boy who stole my heart when I was 15. I found him. After a year, he came to visit. "Oh, you HAVE to sleep with him," my best friend who loved sex insisted. She assured me it would be great. I hoped she was right. I'd always been super-hot for him. Not only that, but he had been the one to give me my first orgasm by just grinding against me in one make-out session so long ago. What would sex be like with him? I couldn't wait. It was going to be mind-blowing amazing. It was going to transport me to another dimension. I was going to feel things I've never experienced before.
But none of that happened. I was totally disappointed. I thought maybe I had done it wrong, as inexperienced as I was. He eventually moved in with me and couldn't understand my aversion to sex. I rarely orgasmed without clitoral stimulation, which he interpreted again as not being attracted to him. When he tried to stimulate me manually, I could never let go. I called my mother and told her my problem, pointing to her--as gently as possible--as the source. I asked her to give me permission to have sex, thinking that would magically make it better, and she couldn't give me permission fast enough. Still, nothing changed.
Finally, after giving up on my dreams of rockstardom, I thought, "Maybe after I have kids, I won't be so worried about getting pregnant and I can finally let go and enjoy sex." My partner had always wanted kids, so as soon as I was ready he was game. Sure enough, on our second try, I conceived. We only had sex once or twice during my pregnancy that I can remember, mostly due to the horrible morning sickness I experienced, though I did masturbate regularly. (Just the thought of a sweaty person on top of me made me want to throw up. )
After having my son, I was constantly so exhausted from his colic, building our business, and all the social changes that motherhood brings, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. But not my partner's. It was a constant source of trouble in our relationship, and still is (though we've always done it at least once a week). Sometimes I would get aroused between our weekly session, but knew I wouldn't be able to orgasm with him, so I wouldn't even bring it up and took care of matters myself. And I know he loves me. He's stuck with me through a major health problem and we had a second child. I've read several self-help books on the issue at hand but none have been much help, or have only helped temporarily since he insists that I need to enjoy sex for his own self-esteem.
So here we are 14 years later and still in the same position sexually, doing it once a week, though I rarely even masturbate anymore. I've even given him permission to have affairs with someone more enthusiastic about sex, but being the ultimate homebody, he doesn't want to, citing that it would be a bad example for the kids, and "where would I meet someone, anyway? I would have to go out!" He also refuses to go to therapy with me, insisting that this is my problem that I need to deal with myself. So I'm making a serious effort now and reaching out. I know it's going to take time and effort if it is possible to overcome this at my age, but I'm willing to give it a try.
I should probably mention that I'm a highly disciplined person, which might be working against me in this instance. Thank you in advance for any suggestions.
