Stella1976

I am a 48 year old married heterosexual woman. I was groped by this small creepy ginger woman back in February 2018 (you can see my original post about that https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/21235-how-should-i-go-about-telling-my-husband-i-was-abused/#comment-228172 It started a huge groping/public humiliation kink for me. I can only get off properly to sexual assault. When I had sex with my husband, I got wettest and orgasm fastest if I closed my eyes and imagined myself getting groped in public. I just wanted to get groped in public again so badly. About three weeks ago it started happening again. Another short skinny weird woman started groping me in public on every occasion. She is groping me whenever she wants in public. She squeezes my boobs or slaps my ass in passing. I am something of a curiosity to this small woman due to my clothes, height and curves. But it honestly doesn't bother me. On the one hand, I feel like I should have made a big deal out of it, out of principle. But on the other hand, it feels wrong to act like it bothers me, when it really doesn't. The feeling when out of the blue this woman's hand is touching one of my more sensitive bodyparts, maybe caressing them, squeezing them through clothes - this does turn me on quite heavily. I would never want to be groped or touched in a dark alley way or something but in public setting i like it for some reason. I am completely addicted to the humiliation of being groped in public by this short skinny woman. This groper is feeling me up and humiliating me in front of virtually everyone in public situations. My curves and height have been sexualized and/or objectified by every sex or orientation. But these small women think they have a free pass. Like "I'm not a man! Im aloud to grab these boobs and butt cheeks!" I become so obsessed with public humiliation. Just thinking about me gets me so wet. I am just letting other women to grope me in public through clothes. That is my kink. But why am I enjoying it? I must be traumatized. I am enjoy it but i am not physically attracted to these gropers. I am a big woman. I am a fairly "robust" woman; i am not fat or anything like that, I am"big-boned". I have a healthy figure. I am 5'10 tall and i have a very large breasts , side hips and big butt. They make me look huge. I definitely feel safe with these small tiny women gropers because they are physically harmless. I am much bigger and physically stronger than this groper. Maybe subconsciously i know that this short skinny woman is not physically threatening to me at all. But i admit to you that if a tall, fat or muscular woman starts groping me and rubbing me, i will get upset. To be honest i would like to be groped by men. But that is cheating. I love my husband. Groping by women is not cheating, because i am not sexually attracted to these gropers. I do enjoy groping from women, but i am not attracted to women. That is a big difference. I can only imagine myself in a commitment with a man. I can't find women attractive. I let this small women to grope me, but I’m not attracted to her. Emotionally and physically women just didn’t do it for me. I am aware that i am traumatized. I was sexually abused by that small ginger woman back then in February 2018. But It started a huge groping/public humiliation kink for me. I enjoy being publicly groped by this small woman. I am STRICTLY hetero. I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. I am a straight woman, I love men, simple! I am a logical, thinking woman, college-educated. So i accept that something is wrong with me. I like being publicly humiliated. . Maybe i developed this kink because of the menopause. I am 48 years old , but i am still not in menopause. I am scared of menopause. I have this fear of losing appeal. I have become really insecure about my looks and overall attractiveness. I have worried about my husband not being attracted to me anymore. As a female with very high sex drive this question is always around - will my desire be totally killed with menopause? Or it's possible/it happens to go through it and still wanna have sex ?

My father had thrown a lot of horrible comments at me, saying that I am shaming him for life, and ultimately I had two options . I could either leave them for good and continue to go about my life my way, but there would be little to no chance of reconciliation as the consequences would be severe , or I could leave my Native American boyfriend (who I really did picture a future with and could see us getting married). So i gave in and broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I have struggled with that. I still feel like I abandoned him.

I broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart. I was in my early 20s at the time. I broke up with my Indian guy because of my dad and it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I have struggled with that.

Maybe my father just wanted the best for me. I was in my early 20s at the time. I broke up with my Native guy because of my dad and it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I have struggled with that. I know I made the right decision in the long run. leaving someone you deeply love is the fucking worst. We did everything together and boom. All ties were cut. I know I did the right thing for me but I still feel like I abandoned him. It's really hard realizing someone just isn't right for you; there's nothing you can do or say to ease the pain of knowing that, on a fundamental level, it won't ever work longterm, but that same knowledge can also be really liberating. My father wasn't overprotective with my Caucasian boyfriends.

I guess my father is racist/prejudice without realizing it. I guess he is racist and, at the very least, prejudice. I love him and I know he loves me; he's been good to me. He will always mention race when describing a story or someone he met, but especially when there are negative connotations. It's subtle (most of the time), but he takes extra caution around black people. But on the other hand he married my mother a Puerto Rican woman. Also he really gets along with my mother's whole family.

I am of mixed heritage. My father is Norwegian American and my mother is Puerto Rican. In November 1996 i started dating this Native American guy. He was full blooded Crow from Montana. He was 3 years older than me In March 1997 my dad found out my boyfriend was Native American. He immediately became outraged and upset at me. He told me that i had to stop dating my boyfriend . That i was embarassing myself and my family with my actions. He said my boyfriend wouldn't be able to do anything for me. My mother asked if she could see a picture of the guy I am dating. Now, I'm not saying I was... anxious to show a picture of the guy I was dating, but I had a nervous smile the entire time. The fake smile as she said "Oooooooooh! He seems nice!" made me sick to my stomach. Regardless of how much I already liked him and the great things I said about him, no, all I got out of my mom was warnings. "You know, you gotta be careful! They might just wanna date you because they wanna use you for money!" "Are you fucking kidding me? He's a fucking person and I'm very fond of him and I'm going to date him and, hopefully, continue to date him because I like him very much. I don't give a fuck what you think about him or what bullshit racist reasons you give me for not dating him, I am -not- concerned about whatever fake bullshit you spew telling me that it's not supposed to happen." I even accused my father of racism, but he just said "How can i be racist? I married a Puerto Rican woman." . I didn't listen and continue to date him for about 6 more months. But my mom and dad had stop talking to each other. Me and my dad had stop talking to each other all because of this. So finally in September 1997 i gave in and broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart. . Maybe it was for the best. This guy my Native American boyfriend was kinda violent with other people. He was physically violent towards white people. He kinda hated white people.He was just angry at white people. He didn't like when people called him “chief". He always said that white people are living on the land that they stole while forcing them to live on reservations that are some of the worst land in the country. He always said that Columbus was a terrible human being and the fact that he is still celebrated should offend anyone living in the United States. He said that Columbus was an imperialist, racist invader who began the conquest of a people and a land. He was not so lucky to have good parents. His mother was abusive, his father was in prison, he grew up very poor. I mean I’m barely scratching the surface here but based on how he grew up, you’d expect him to be the worst kind of person. But we had a damn near perfect relationship. Never argued, were always excited to be with each other. He considered me part Native American, because of my Puerto Rican heritage. He always said that Puerto Ricans are Tainos. Often people would make fun of him, use racial slurs towards him, so he fought and beat white guys up at times. After we broke up, in January 1998 he beat up a guy to a pulp, so he spent 6 months in county jail. I felt responsible for that. February 1999 in Omaha Nebraska he was arrested for burglary. He was convicted. He spent 3 years in prison. He got out in February 2002. About 3 years ago i have got in touch with him. We had a conversation on FB. He lives on Crow Indian Reservation , Montana. He is married with Native American woman. They have 4 kids, 3 boys,1 girl. He seemed happy. It bothered me for such a long time. I blamed my father for racism. But is my father a racist, or he just wanted to protect me? Maybe he wanted to save me from making a bad decision. My dad absolutely hated my Native American boyfriend. He always wanted more for me (and probably a white guy - my husband is white).

Why do I feel so ashamed to tell anyone what happened? Will it always feel like this? I'm just wondering how do you shake memories that you want to forget and cant? I just wish I could push a button in my heart and instantly fix it. Lately I've been wondering why I was molested by this total stranger short skinny hideous old woman? I know I could have probably stopped her...but I just want to know why she has done this to me. Am I an easy target? Do I have grope me on the top of my forehead and I can't see it? Is it my fault? .It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 5inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget but she was not intimidated by me.Why? Did I gave her signals that screamed grope me? Will I ever know the answer? I'm starting to get angry about this. Is this normal? Being angry about being sexually abused? The main question is: Is this situation my fault?

I feel so foolish and used by this pervert short skinny old total stranger woman.I have never had this happen to me before.I don't know what to think about what happened.I am really scared to tell my husband or anyone about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated.I feel like i am at the lowest point of my life because of my freeze response to touching and groping by this creepy repulsive short skinny pervert total stranger woman.Thanks for reading and sorry for being such a downer.

I don’t want to talk about it with my friends or people I know.I wanted to share this i am to ashamed.I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone.If i meet this pervert woman i am going to put a lot of distance between the two of us.What if i freeze again?I don’t want to go to the neighboring town because of this awful woman.I am so confused about what happened to me!Whether or not it is my fault or not!I feel so ashamed.It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.I’m physically stronger.I let that weird woman get away with so much.I was totally paralyzed.I am scared to see a therapist.I am terrified that I wont be able to even tell the therapist whats wrong with me.Please be brutally honest.I suppose I’m asking the question as to whether I give off subconsicous “please come take advantage of me” signals because it was scary how easily she started touching me.And this woman is short and skinny in her mid 50s.I am physically stronger than her.Standing next to me she looked like a midget.That awful woman ruined me.I was totally paralyzed.I just collapsed into myself.I feel so humiliated.It was like i went into ‘freeze’ mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock.What happened I feel has traumatized me so much.Please tell me am I overreacting? I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way. I have noticed, that at times I apologize for the size of my boobs. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I love my height and my curvy stature. I love satin and silk clothes and dressing up too. I am always in high heels with hair and makeup done. That’s just who I am.I love dressing up, I’ve tried dressing down, but I always end up changing. My clothes are there to be worn!People always ask me why I’m so dressed up.I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed. I am uncomfortable in social settings and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around other people. I've been asked soooo many times 'why are you so serious' when I'm not feeling serious at that moment. I unintentionally tend to give off an unfriendly aura which has led people to ask if I dislike them. When I feel nervous I try to compensate by being really confident. I guess other people take that as me being arrogant. I've been told I come across as stuck up/snobby full of myself, narcissistic, stuck up etc., and also very unwelcoming to new people. Technically the second part is true as new people terrify me, but the first bit is very untrue.And the truth is, i just can't talk to everyone... not that i don't want to. I just need time to open myself to people. To relax and open up. I hate that I come off like that. When I do speak with people, I tend to be overly nice to compensate and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. People around me (except for the ones who truly know me) have always said that I come across as snobby, stuck on myself, and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm just really shy and insecure when it comes to socializing with people. I do have several close friends, but it bugs me that A LOT of people think I'm a snob when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been told that I seem snobby and it is because I don't speak up in groups where I am not comfortable. I have had people ask me if I thought I was better than others.

I don't want my husband to found out of that situation with this short skinny awful pervert ginger old woman. He is going to blame me. 4 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future,which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair. This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely). The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened. I don’t have an issue with lesbians doing what they do and i don’t dislike them as people.I am not homophobic.I’ve been having this feeling of having been violated and I think I have been because this awful pervert woman just walked all over my boundaries.It is a very horrible feeling.I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself.I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyone’s time but I had to get some of this out of my head.What is wrong with me? Is this a normal reaction to getting attacked…to disappear into your head and go limp or rigid? I’ve never heard anyone say they did this and I’m so ashamed that I couldn’t even say no or push this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman away. I have large boobs, and men like to tell me about them. Men talk about them a lot, but no man ever dares to touch them. If he did I would tell him to fuck off. If he did I would scream. If he did I might even report it. It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.

Thank you i am feeling so lost.Thanks you for reading this.I feel completely used and humiliated by this total stranger woman.I know this may sound like I’m overreacting, but I genuinely felt violated.I was practically hand raped by this pervert weird short skinny mature ugly total stranger woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life. I just felt so powerless.I’m so terriby deeply humiliated by her.People often think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob when i am NOTHING like that at all,i have also been told that i think i am better than everyone else.People are saying to me that i look very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.People have told me that they always thought I was stuck up or that I thought I was too good for everyone else.I hate that so much….especially because the total opposite is true.Well, this never happened to me before, until now. I am 42year old woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life.I was totally numb while she was touching me.I have no desire to do anything sexual with a women.I am 100% straight. I’ve never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe.I’m posting this here since the incident was mildly traumatic for me even though I definitely wasn’t raped but i really think I was sexually assaulted. I just kind of want some thoughts or advice from people and don’t want to talk about it with people I know.I just kind of want to hear opinions or advice or something from someone. Should I tell my husband? I want to tell him but Im afraid that he might get mad at me or something.I need someone to talk to.I just want someone to talk to. I don’t really know who.I understand that I’m being a wimp.It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 5inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget but she was not intimidated by me.Why?

It wasn't until yesterday that I fully came to terms with what happened to me. I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am a weak spineless person. I am truly lost. This is so upsetting to me I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears. I am a 42year old woman what is wrong with me? My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have a 15year old daughter! I am 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. I have a rather large breasts and i do have a big butt. I don't intend to dress in any particular 'way' for anyone. I just wear what I like. I don't 'ask' for anything. I don't ask to be groped. I wear clothes that fit me properly. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on. If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I was sexualised from a very early age, and shamed for the way my body looks - something I have no control over. I can't help how wide my hips grow or how big my breasts get. My mother used to shame me for the way my body looked. If I wanted to wear a skirt or dress, she always discouraged it, she always thought my skirt was 'too short' or 'too tight', or there was something wrong with my dress-sense. There's always guys flirting or asking me for my number. When i go out in public guys start talking to me and subtlety try to ask me out. I mention i have a husband but some of them wont go away. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it. The irony is that all this time I've been afraid of men, perceiving any touch as a sexual advance that I should fear - when really, it was a short,skinny old woman I should have feared. My story just seems so implausible that I feel I won't be believe. Three months ago on February 12th i i attended women over 40 conference in the neighboring town. I was wearing a purple long sleeve satin blouse buttoned up to the top,my black satin pencil skirt, sheer black pantyhose and my 5 inch heels purple shoes. I left my coat in my car.I sat down and this short like 5ft3 skinny freckled face creepy green eyes thin lips red haired masculine woman in her mid 50s sat right next to me on my left hand side. The conference started and a few minutes in this creepy ginger woman beside me leaned over slightly and whispered something about the conference, as she squeezed my shoulder. I nodded, trying to ignore her presence, but her hand stayed on my shoulder after she squeezed it; in fact she began rubbing my shoulder as she introduced herself. I squirmed slightly, trying to let her know i didn't appreciate being touched by a stranger, but it had the unfortunate effect of shifting her hand slightly onto my chest. "I'm sorry,"s he whispered - "It's just that i can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric". She was now rubbing in slightly larger circles, moving further onto my chest near my collar bone - well above my breasts. Her hand slipped a bit lower, and her fingers brushed against the upper slope of my left breast. Her fingers now going back upwards, and then to my shoulder - then back to the center of my collarbone, where her fingers toyed with one of the small buttons there. Her hand was rubbing in circles again. "It's just so soft and smooth, - do you mind if I feel it for just a moment more?" Her hand was drifting lower and lower. Then her hand was slipping all the way onto my breasts. She began rubbing her hand in a circular motion against my breasts. Her right hand was practically constantly on my breasts during the conference. I sat there totally paralyzed. I couldn't move my hands and legs. I couldn't talk normal. I couldn't get words out of my mouth. Mouth was open but no words came out of it. It was like i went into ‘freeze’ mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock. The conference ended I started to rise from the chair while she was still sitting, and she then reached over and squeezed my butt about four or five times . I didn't know what to do, and I actually laughed, even though that was the last thing I felt like doing. At the post conference cocktail she was behind me with her both hands rubbing my ass. At one point she hugged me from behind subtly placing her hands on my breasts and cupped and started to stroke my breasts . I just stood there stiff as a board not saying a word. Other women at the conference were weirded out but they ignored that and said/did nothing as if nothing was happening.I think that the women were in shock themselves,maybe they thought we knew each other?Unfortunately some people don’t like to get involved if they feel uncomfortable or threatened or not sure what is going on. While i was walking to my car she was walking behind me with her hands on my ass talking to me about the conference.She was resting her hands on my butt.She had her arm around me from behind and was just cupping one of my boobs. I tried to walk fast but i was on a 5inch high heels.I didn’t say anything or tell her to stop. I was just standing and sitting there letting it happen. Afterwards when i got home I started breathing hard, my legs got weak, and my heart started to race really fast.I have never felt such shame or degradation like this in my life. That happened to me three months ago but i am still so embarrassed by the whole thing.I was physically stronger than her and eventually had to push her off me to make her stop,but I was quiet and afraid, I let her touch all over my body. I’m embarrassed that this weird ginger short skinny masculine stranger woman was touching me and groping me so intimately in front of more than 60 other women and I did nothing about it.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 6inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget. People only seem to recognise/acknowledge one type of sexual abuse/rape - the 'classic' sense, that of course involves a man, him having the advantage of strength, the act being very violent, involving overpowering etc. etc. When...it didn't. At least not for me. The thing is, afterwards, I blocked out what happened and continued on as normal. And while this has happened, I've been too afraid to say anything. I've tried to block it out and ignore. Initially, I've been angry. Now I'm just afraid of the next time it'll happen. I'm so passive and weak. I've been left feeling extremely paranoid and anxious. I want to tell my husband about this, but I'm afraid he won't believe me. He is extremely jealous and possessive.He is going to blame me. I'm still in shock, if I'm honest. Really delayed response, too. I don't know what happened to me that I just decided I couldn't face what happened and I had to repress. I had to move on as if nothing had happened. I feel so foolish and used by this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman.