now is forever

for my relationship i also understand what kind of controller i‘ve been. sometimes a needle can hit a nerve. when it’s poisoned it’s very mean - the poison comes from swallowing sweet heart poison. it’s also an infinity loop that nourishes itself. both kind of poisons come from the heart and creep to the heart. but mine made my body ill and his made him colder. for reference:

for my life purpose i don’t know yet, watched the sage video some days ago and realized i identified more with a muse for the world therefore i can never become a sage. so my lifepurpose is to be a healer and a muse - in what way i‘ll act that out i don’t know yet, until now i was a thought acupuncturist. so that is once again open for possibilities but some are more possible then others again. and i guess i‘m here for the reason of learning, not to become a sage - but to remember myself of my inner muse. an answer to this: On 22.9.2018 at 0:04 AM, now is forever said: truthfully speaking, like @Zweistein i don’t know why i’m still hanging around here, still posting stuff here. mostly in my journal, what i could also have in a book. tsuki said: Book is static. Forum is dynamic. I guess that I think that by reacting to other people's thoughts I keep it more alive and vibrant. That is, of course, an unjustified assumption. I guess that I could try to write my thoughts in a book

mhhh conciousness is empty in that it is awareness, the heart is the mother. the will is the child and can sit anywhere where is craving (also in the heart mother/child unity or craving). the mind is father and mother in awareness. maybe the father is the world model, the plan.

the kind of song i tried to sing:

a whole new game is starting now. i have relied on my partner to figure out the outside world things more and more while i was figuring out the home stuff - making it comfortable and nice. no problem with that, theoretically. but practically it didn’t work out. because of the perspective - he couldn’t see my work anymore, because work equals money and i couldn’t see his anymore because work equals heartbeat. in many ways he turned towards my direction after a while and i followed his direction in many ways. what i was missing out on was really supporting each other and building a dream together - the together is missing, we just don’t share real understanding. and i also missed real support in the life projects we were going to handle. it‘s not really our problem that we can’t handle, it’s a world problem. he built a golden kage for me, even though an open one, but without asking what kind of nest i want to have. guess he can’t live in a nest anymore and i can’t live in a cage.

the end of foodphilosophy

it seams like the past is always pointing to the now. while the now is not always pointing to the future. sometimes the now needs to transcend itself to not walk into a dead end. well life is a maze, i guess.

no @tsuki it is a yearning heart that’s the problem, it‘s so stuck in romanticism that it can’t be a realist. it broke for that reason and then it broke another’s heart. thank you though for the kind words!

What do you mean? i transfer old insights to a future that has yet to transcend itself, without clinging to a theory. well i did have a dream about it, but now i‘m not so sure anymore. today i lost my life all of my dreams and the future i was thinking i would have. maybe i‘ve lost it already some years ago but i couldn’t let go. im still in shock paralysis. i‘ve broken my own heart, by trying to fix others hearts. 14years of relationship, done and i don’t shed a tear - how sad is that! i guess i‘m a dreamer of a dream who disappeared from her own dream.

@tsuki ok but maybe you want to read more than one book on that. mine is a little more rational i guess from the title...

@tsuki mhhhhh - no chaos magic generally is not the thing. did you already use it? yes ok insanity is relative! are you satisfied with that answer? do you want to talk about chaos magic then? you know i like to name the things that seem to be scary, you are saying: rumpelstilzkin and they just disappear.

@tsuki huh? what do you mean? what book? now you are scaring me! no one is insane here! can you explain?

does an unsolvable problem solve itself?

while you are focusing on the problems who focuses on the solutions? is this an entropy of meaning?

and i‘m cheating again: today i was pushed towards the difference between illusion and dream. i guess i‘m loosing both - well the illusion was not there in the first place. i always thought the illusion could turn out to be a dream but it didn’t and it will not i guess. i turned a dream into an illusion and the illusion turned itself into a dream. but it’s me all by myself dreaming and having illusions. if both are unreachable what is left? disillusion and a heart that is very lonely and was from the start. it once knew that and didn’t mind because it was somehow centered in itself, now it is not anymore it is a searching one it searches for that security again. but there is no security because security was an illusion and a dream. is this giving up hope? there is no one to answer that anymore. i have lost my center. but that’s not enlightenment that’s loneliness. maybe enlightenment about loneliness... but what does that matter? is this why i‘m holding on to this thread, like it was everything that still is?

today i won‘t post - but i did.

hey @Emerald , lots of fragments from different dream experiences there. and a lot of methods in the room. but the last one where you were falling down - did you ever read about shamanic traveling or self hypnosis? going down is always a sign you are going into the basement, subconciousness. i would interprete the experience like this (logically - you didn’t want a non dual approach right): nightmares of any kind are fear induced. be it because there is some experience from the day you have to coap with or be it glycene and gaba and their antagonist, or even just a lack of oxygen through closed windows or snoring (don’t underestimate this factor). so if you managed to remember the no self in a state where yo were paralyzed, half wake (the person nearing is a common phenomenon in sleep paralysis) so you remembered the no self and with that, you pushed open a door to your subconciousness - which is linked to your love infused creative more positive you. so that’s pretty nice - you could work on that method for sleep paralysis!

@tsuki what is the difference between a flashy thread title and an odd thread title? how far can privacy get? body privacy? soul privacy? and is there a difference between net privacy and street privacy? is there a difference between hiding and privacy? where is the difference between protection and privacy?

truthfully speaking, like @Zweistein i don’t know why i’m still hanging around here, still posting stuff here. mostly in my journal, what i could also have in a book. what makes it so addictive to write all this insignificant thoughts. gotten accustomed to the public viewer, like on facebook. i guess this forum like other forums - is really a good maze model. once you’ve lost yourself in it you can’t remember why you’ve entered it in the first place. and as it is irrelevant if you stay or go, you just stick around with the habit.

@Zweistein good luck! guess i will also fade from here soon. just preparing for winter. then the non kapital i will maybe also turn into an “ “. thank you for being!

@Zweistein but don’t you think that this is a natural process like a development process? because when i had my near death experience aka dark night of the soul i found out that initiation in other cultures is around the age of 15 to 18. for example some native americans have sent the young grown ups to survive in the forest, facing death and finding their totem animal. and there are many more (some where mentioned in the hero with a thousand faces). so i always ask myself if we are missing out on that in our world. it was not really personal, more a general thought on adolescence.

want to open a thread about chaos magic? or better not? just for exploration. or you jump over your shadow and open a journal with a really odd title. guess it’s possible to hide like that @Zweistein and me were talking about hiding in general today very hidden, private chat. see the problem of talking seriously about stuff is: a classroom is always leveld

@PsiloPutty forum interconnectedness, thread/mind/thought interconnectedness. thread linking from @Zweistein i=you=we journal. we just jumped from there to here. read more interconnected. thank the forum thank @tsuki

@PsiloPutty hehe - welcome! thanks to unawareness

@tsuki yes me too. i always try to go for both. just can’t listen to songs if the lyrics don’t touch. started to learn english that way. in a time where lyric doesn’t count so mutch anymore... how to find poetic truth, if not in music? the best artists are those who burn themselves, that’s their tragedy. my mom just read a book containing thoughts from goethe, a collection of his letters and notes. she marked some thoughts - a little like linking want to know what she marked? you see @tsuki i guess i‘m not a postmodernist i‘m a trans modernist or something like that.