now is forever

so you didn’t delete but added - so if it’s only the femininity i wouldn’t have recommended the being funny part. that leaves you with working on „socially skilled“. and maybe you‘ll find out some other points for your list you weren’t aware of maybe some strengths you already have and weren’t aware of, maybe it’s exactly the being feminin part that could make you socially skilled. if there wasn’t the pussy in the way. so try to stop thinking „pussy“ i bet even though you don’t say it, it shows in your behavior. well it obviously does.

@Pernani what about little figurines. maybe in lotus position or with 4heads, or a lot of arms? plastic, metall and glass. it starts to sound like a business plan.

mh sorry then i‘ve completely misjudged you. sorry for that.

ok - mhhh i don’t know you so i really don’t know, but you can always work on it. and you can work on your way of thinking - the thought alone is poisonous. have a deja vu - did we have the same conversation already? you can still be a social skilled and funny guy.

from your list? of attractiveness. if you look in the mirror and ask yourself why am i not attractive to girls and conclude it doesn’t matter, everything that matters is a pussy. delete what makes you unattractive. and delete it from your list. the thought everything that matters is a pussy - is the most unattractive - it’s most of your list. it doesn’t make you attractive so how can it be attractive to women.

so witch part would you delete?

does that make you attractive?

so what about girls who open up emotionally- isn’t it the same game? then i have to care for her she will trap me she‘s too clingy doesn’t leave me space how should i react to that where is the thrill in that

@Gryner how are you by the way?

@Stenne hehe didn‘t want to stop the conversation though!

guess god made all women equal? to judge them the way he doesn’t want to be judged.

who chose to compete? it’s not that women like competition so much. guys who don’t care for competition are climbing up on the ladder of attractiveness. you only have to compete yourself in that. (paradoxically)

i guess your money issues are solved. ? angel sound from the off. how much for one?

it’s not exactly like that. one problem about guys being to open is: girls love to interprete. we want to have some mystery. at least under 30. after that some other values are more important. also if you can’t open up after 10 years of relationship something went wrong as well. another problem is, if you are opening up emotionally it’s like culture shock - we got so brainwashed by society we are just not used to it. so we think guys might be a problem case and we don’t want to play mom or therapeuts. i always used to run away if guys were to emotional because i need some space for example - i just felt suffocated. so let your emotions out but controlled not all at once. it saves you and her the disappointment. girls love independent guys. also in the beginning phase you both want to make sure if the other person is interesting enough. it‘s like a game where you play with the tension of the thrill. in south korea they call it pull and push - you need phases of approach and phases of distance (but not excessive) so the tension stays alive - if you manage to hold up emotions you can enter a new stage. all of it if it’s not love at first sight. that’s when soulmates meet - but that’s rare.

day one establishing daily rituals: failed to link the cue to the reaction. maybe because it was too dark outside. got depressed the moment i opened my eyes. and quickly closed them again. it’s earlier then usual. maybe it’s better to start with sunrise tomorrow. but i did the pranayama/meditation. that’s what matters

@Hellspeed ok, i was talking about my synesthesia or picture thinking...back of the head. it was about the situation in general - not about myself. getting in „touch“ is a whole new level don’t know if i‘m ready for that.

now i only have to do that: the prove is the prove isn’t it?

whaaaaat - so better focus on the screen in the back? not in this situation. not all of it please! that’s disgusting.

guess i‘m starting being a muse again by honoring others as a muse. thank you at @Action ? for his building habits journal. want to use his method of building habits to do the „garuda“ kumbaka meditation i learned in india. counting to 4 while breathing in stopping the breath counting to 6 breathing out stopping the breath. i‘ll do that with 3 different mudras at three different positions on the knees, in the middle of the thighs and at the hip joints. ??‍♀️ starting tomorrow right after waking up. try to set the timer to one hour (blue hour) before sunrise.

i‘m really impressed by „toilet satori“ and want to throw in tanizaki jun’ichirō‘s „in praise of shadows“ for the question why just why on the toilet.

for my relationship i also understand what kind of controller i‘ve been. sometimes a needle can hit a nerve. when it’s poisoned it’s very mean - the poison comes from swallowing sweet heart poison. it’s also an infinity loop that nourishes itself. both kind of poisons come from the heart and creep to the heart. but mine made my body ill and his made him colder. for reference:

for my life purpose i don’t know yet, watched the sage video some days ago and realized i identified more with a muse for the world therefore i can never become a sage. so my lifepurpose is to be a healer and a muse - in what way i‘ll act that out i don’t know yet, until now i was a thought acupuncturist. so that is once again open for possibilities but some are more possible then others again. and i guess i‘m here for the reason of learning, not to become a sage - but to remember myself of my inner muse. an answer to this: On 22.9.2018 at 0:04 AM, now is forever said: truthfully speaking, like @Zweistein i don’t know why i’m still hanging around here, still posting stuff here. mostly in my journal, what i could also have in a book. tsuki said: Book is static. Forum is dynamic. I guess that I think that by reacting to other people's thoughts I keep it more alive and vibrant. That is, of course, an unjustified assumption. I guess that I could try to write my thoughts in a book

mhhh conciousness is empty in that it is awareness, the heart is the mother. the will is the child and can sit anywhere where is craving (also in the heart mother/child unity or craving). the mind is father and mother in awareness. maybe the father is the world model, the plan.

the kind of song i tried to sing:

a whole new game is starting now. i have relied on my partner to figure out the outside world things more and more while i was figuring out the home stuff - making it comfortable and nice. no problem with that, theoretically. but practically it didn’t work out. because of the perspective - he couldn’t see my work anymore, because work equals money and i couldn’t see his anymore because work equals heartbeat. in many ways he turned towards my direction after a while and i followed his direction in many ways. what i was missing out on was really supporting each other and building a dream together - the together is missing, we just don’t share real understanding. and i also missed real support in the life projects we were going to handle. it‘s not really our problem that we can’t handle, it’s a world problem. he built a golden kage for me, even though an open one, but without asking what kind of nest i want to have. guess he can’t live in a nest anymore and i can’t live in a cage.