now is forever

because it just is the most beautiful you can ever experience as a woman - it’s just like that. giving live and giving a chance and caring for someone - it’s nature and the divine in women, being able to see someone growing up and being there for them. and i also know how to give a better chance for happiness than what was able in my family - at least i thought so. i can’t tell you about how it feels it’s something really beautiful i can’t explain. i just know already how that love would feel and i really want to give it. oxytocin tsuki - life long. the most powerful drug in the world. i bought this book - „on search for lost happiness“ against the destruction of our ability for happiness in early childhood. it’s not the only book, but it’s not about the books - i already know how - i had enough time to watch. and my mom was a really good teacher, despite all other odds. a little surreptitious advertising on the side

no @tsuki this time i don’t agree. i don’t agree with all forms of humiliation. and grief is not a reminder for humiliation, if anything for humbleness. i’m not even sure if i like that word - in general grief is more than that, it shows us the capacity to love a person just for being alive - even if that person hasn’t entered the world yet - well i maybe grief myself for not being able to give that love anymore. i grief myself for the life i lived aiming to something i was aiming to, all by myself. and in my situation i can’t see anything purposeful in it, it could also be an artefakt- it doesn’t help one bit - as i always dreamt of having a responsible loving partner at my side. how can i find one this fast? maybe have 4 years left, that’s a very small timeframe for mutual feelings. so either i start working on my relationship and try to be completely loving again, not expecting the guy to understand me in any way accepting he ignores me and we will be weekend daddy and asshole mommy (because mommy will be always the bad one who actually is invisible and no one listens to because she can’t be right, what wrecks her nerve, what only shows how emotionally unstable of a person she is, that she gets touched by that) or i freeze my eggs. i don’t know how to win in this game, i‘ve already lost - the person who takes the higher risk/love investment always looses in the love game ( if it is a game)

my favorite aftercrying song - must be the selfdruging of my pretty smart selfdeceptive brain: would be glad if it was true this time - but i fear it’s not done with a song and some tears to help with reflection, because there really is no world waiting for me. and i totally am loosing myself in this shit. i guess i will need to find a way up the stream - to attack and retreat.

@tsuki yes and we think we can even read something called emotions in the eyes, isn’t that crazy. we don’t even know if there is someone at home in the colony of cells and bones from the outside so why even look someone in the eyes? and a teardrop is nothing else than sea water produced to hold the eye moistured so it will look very bright and clear afterwards. inside and out.

i have never seen my skull - but i have seen an mrt of my brain. i asked how it looked and the female technical assistant said to me: as expected, beautiful women have always beautiful brains. i guess that counts for the skull as well. ?

@tsuki ? heartless bastard - i‘ll just exchange them then ? the world has never been ready for me...but you could also see it the other way round. i prefer number one in that case.

@tsuki i‘m doing that since 2 hours

sorry tsuki and thank you, i‘m in a pit now, but it really helped that you tried ?

@tsuki yes you are right but you see i tried not to reach a point like this - not everything can be managed from within. i was the glue that held the shit together. i can’t help i always tried to fix everything.

@tsuki but there has to be one main direction no? it’s impossible to pursue everything at the same time! if everything important seems to be equally important - how can all of that fit through me? i used to fix that through a net of social connections and dependencies - but if the main contract is broken, where should i take up the work. i‘ll maybe never go through the suffering of changing diapers and unlike others that’s one of the brightest dreams i ever had. the dream goes as far as i phantasize about sneaking my way to a random caviar plantation, attac and retreat with what i can get. either it is a super ego that talks here or it is the most godly wish ever. that’s something i must fight out with myself.

thank you. longing for the world is also suffering - even though it’s a bittersweet one. so how to be happy about all the suffering i won’t feel when this actually is already suffering. maybe i am not ready to give my dreams up. if it where not so many...

yesterday while walking to the bakery i found this, it feels a lot like me, a useless printer that prints fallen leafs.

some things in life hurt more if we never know. like the food we will never taste, or the things we will never see, or travel we will never make, or pictures we will not draw, or a person we will never meet, (maybe again), a decision we will never make, a dream we will never confirm, beauty we will never see nor touch nor hear. words we will not speak. a complete life we will not live. all of that only when we know, they exist.

@GeoLura i don’t really get where you separate yourself from the people on 4chan - are you doing it or not? are you separating nihilism from suffering? in what way? do you think people talk about that stuff or do they impersonate it (i mean are they nazis or alt rights?) does it hurt you if i say i feel sad for you, that you did that to yourself at the age of ten? if i try to imagine that from my ten years old perspective - it seems to have been hard. somehow that website sounds more and more like a brothel or a swinger club, where children fuck each other’s souls because they got fucked to hard by reality. sorry for that language - i guess it can’t shock you. i started to smoke at the age of 12 and i smoked weed at 14 i started to consume psychedelics at the age of 16 and i stopped all of it when i got 18 - except the smoking, even backlashed in that this year - what don’t we do to be special and other than the normies. it took a while to realize i don’t need that stuff - it’s not that what makes us special - but yes it’s a gaze into the darkest corner of the dark. that‘s why we search for light where there seems to be none aren’t we and that movie is soooo good it gets better every year. in sense of getting scarier - just look at the fast food predictions, it’s kind of accurate, i mean it’s from 2005... ...and that would mean exactly when those forums where started. mh interesting. (it seems also understandable why these platforms are almost mens only clubs)

today i will try not to be a thread killer. but regarding pointlessness of talking. what should i do- they even teach it to children.

@Talinn just stop listening like a poo poo face. ?

if no body was seeking in the first place, no one would be here and no one would talk about it.

are you aware of the content?

small update on progress, not that i forget. started to do ashtanga yoga again. working on asanas - started to teach my body pincha mayurasana from the scratch - it builds up all the little muscles in the back and feels just really amazing. starting to be really interested in natural miracle cosmetics alchemy - and think about making some and selling it on the market (i‘m in berlin, thats how it flows here) insight for the day from mari kondo from the chapter: tidy a little a day and you will be tidying forever: people cannot change their habits without first changing their way of thinking. ? crucial in my tidying process - i try to tidy everything at the same time, that takes forever. (what would a designer do without things that could run better) ah yeah and i don’t have to take the l-theanin against craving anymore - that’s also a progress. i can experiment better now. so i stick with the ashwaghanda first - and look how the other nootropics fit in over time. and i bought a book from nietzsche in english... it’s maybe less dry then.

@Jack River thanks for the translation, dude. first time time/thought fitted completely. ??‍♂️=??‍♀️ but what is with the walking of time/path?

well there are more than one paths - depends on the one we want to walk. there are many old paths walked by many before us and the small path to our hideouts we shaped by walking it every day the same way in the grass - maybe that’s the one we have to give up, so grass can grow over it? there are so many paths we don’t see.

?

@Outer what kind of product placement is that? i can’t even confuse it with a pear even if i wanted to. and honestly if oneness boils down to that for you - i don’t know but then i guess i lost all my spirituality. ?? =??? ?

@Joseph Maynor yes joseph or you just make a break or you just walk into the field, or into the jungle, or you just don‘t fix your eyes on the path all the time - because there is so much more to see than the dusty road. there is a path wherever you walk - you make it.

@GeoLura i don’t understand us-youth culture. at least this one. and i must confess i’m very preoccupied, as i have never been to the us.... so what is edgy about that site? it’s maybe ecchi... but i also get now what people think they are doing there. it‘s still kind of ideocratic. if i look up edgelord in the urban dictionary they say it’s about nihilism - but sorry traditionally nihilism is really a little less intrusive. and nihilistic arrogance really based on some kind of intellectual behavior. and that is timeless, even in europe undefeated. and @Shadowraix also already stated he found out a lot of people are not ironic about what they are posting there. so we could agree that it is radical ideocratic nihlism. even if i might not get the whole picture. sorry could not resist, to show some arrogance. this movie is from the not so far past, it’s a little over the top, but we can’t deny there is some shocking underlying truth to it. (partially referring to iq as sperm count) (but well then again, how could it be shocking, as there is nothing shocking anymore. so metaphorically if the horror always creeps out of the screen - i value the horror of a movie by how much of horror it describes of the horror which creeped out of screens or into it in the first place)