now is forever

if i look at that picture again: i would say i sit stuck in number three combined with number six - having to return to number one again while thinking succeeding in these would have been a huge part of number 12. that’s where i got stuck not what i am:

i‘m not an active predator - maybe by letting them stand in the rain flying away with my umbrella. i’ve always just stepped out of the way or disappeared - i can’t attack (that’s actually not true, i attack when feeling attacked or want to protect something) but i can’t stay mad for long or carry something around to hold it up again later. but yes some feelings get stuck in the heart after some time - and then topics reappear- they don’t disappear just through crying.

i don’t get what you are referring to. i‘m just sitting in this massiv ? full of shit and don’t know where i have lost my poppins bag. because in it there would have been a ladder.

some things are not doable without planing and if we already talk about strategies - i‘m lost, because i can’t do without having it planed somehow. don’t you agree?

doesn’t mean i am an easy prey though. no seriously i‘m really bad in everything that has to do with bluffing. or exploiting on purpose- if i have to plan it, it’s already over. i feel bad for the other person.

whui

@Zweistein the only heroic ruthless strategy i have, i derived from this movie: i am not ruthless - i am the opposite of ruthless it is as if you would tell a bunny ? to become a predator.

this conversation gets a strange direction. in sense of relationship being in this forum it’s procrastination - in sense of finding what i want to do in sense of business i am progressing and finding a new orientation where i got stuck before. i also learned a lot about myself and how i see the world - and a lot about the world, too. at least i got new insights and already started to go deeper into some matters and develope tools i need if i want to progress. so sometimes i don’t know what is egotistical anymore. i do exactly the opposite of transcending my ego - i try to support it, to become independent while at the same time not wanting to be alone.

yeah we are all just victims here.

yeah, but - that’s difficult, too. where should i find a someone else? and how quickly could i fall madly in love again and the other person the same so that we want to have children very fast and i could be sure we would be a better team aswell. maybe i would just focus on the madly in love part and my mad love for family would never been fulfilled.

i‘m sure i took my part in it too. and i play the victim, yes. but i am really sick of being the one who always is considerate and helps out with the mess he produces because his ego is to big to consider my competence in many aspects. he even decides for himself when we already made decisions together. and yes from his perspective i absolutely did nothing i didn’t even exist in his memory of everything i planned and did not only for us but also for him. he just completely wiped me off the board. and i am sick of telling him that my illness was tough for me, he even made a scene in the beginning when my hands and fingers where swollen and i had real pain and was not able to work. i‘m a very sensitive person in sense of wanting to be understood and understand the other - and i really need these moments of love. i waited for him turning into my direction for 4 or 3 years. and i didn’t pressure the family thing - but when i did he acted as if something like having children would just happen on its own - that i have to produce them in my body seems to be not understandable for him. and that a family is teamwork - not only in a material sense is even worse. i don’t want that, why should i have children with someone who doesn’t want to work together?

@tsuki i thought about it again - there is a difference in wanting someone to take the solutions i present them because i think i know i am right and wanting someone to take the solutions because i want to help them. number one is producing mini me‘s number two is caring. but both are blind to the practicability of the solution for the person who has to use the solution. both want to controll the not controllable. (i know that, because it’s the shadowside of my teens- being radical uncontrollable in a way, never following blindly, of course that was an Illusion because that controlled me, but i hate if people want to controll me if i don’t or can’t accept it as guidance) and by the way haven’t we been at the point where the disfunctional coffee pot was taken into consideration.

as long as you still can get touched by innocence! i know people from other generations who hardened so much they couldn’t see where they turned over to the dark side. i couldn’t watch that extreme stuff - i can’t even watch horror movies. during last months there was even a point where i couldn‘t stand if a sharp knife pointed at my direction, had to turn it into another direction. and there is also so much horror inbetween - but i can see street reality since some years relatively clear and i can see the sensitive and innocent in it and that’s where i don’t look away. more into growing than into burning but slowly get accustomed to how to burn the rotten as well, trying to understand where it is needed as hummus and where it is poisoning the soil.

there is no „one“ path, especially if you decided to keep your hands on the world. all methods are only vehicles. the soul delivers itself.

you can prove you are a body by trying to become a coffee table and if it is only by placing a cup on your head for some hours. or you maybe give up and conclude you are a coffee table. of course, only someone who doesn’t make a difference between a coffee table and him/her self could believe that.

sorry for being late to that - maybe you could try to help her solve her problems her own way? you do that here with us, too. so why not let her solve her problems her way? actually that is one of my main problems too. if i ask for help i don’t mean help in the sense that i want a complete solution - because i just can’t apply his solutions it is like giving a left handed person a scissor for a right handed and ask to cut out accurately. what i mean with help is getting impulses to find solutions i can apply myself. and more than that the courage of being able to solve a problem together.

nature reproduces itself and we are in a time where we have the choice. so it is kind of weird how people turn out to be so nihilistic about life, they think it would have been better to not been born. and i also reached that point once where i questioned if it had any meaning - but the meaning for life is just life itself. and that’s the only thing i know, i know that i am able to give as much love as this small worm will need to be happy without too much suffering and i will put my life on the line for that. i can’t keep it from seeing the world as it is though. so that’s why i want to make a better one - that’s evolution. because that child is not just a child, it is a whole generation. there is no meaning to it and at the same time it is everything there is. (it referring to yes itself) so do i want to impose any wishes upon an unborn child, not intentionally - i try to expect nothing from that person except for becoming a human. and that’s a matter of evolution, i can only provide some tools. you see tsuki how much suffering the not suffering already is.

yes i completely agree on that but the bonus comes along automatically when you both agree on having children - and there is this little situation about having children that you can’t just bring them into being by snipping fingers - and as we are not married i of course am attentive to how caring my partner is towards me, i take all the burden upon me don’t i - not that i am mad, that he can’t do it, it’s not our fault, but at least i want to feel loved and cared about. so that’s the bonus i expect for throwing my life on the line.

@tsuki thank you for yesterday, it really helped a lot even if i was a little inattentive and mean to what you where saying exactly - sometimes i don’t listen very close, if i get too emotional ? @Zweistein nice you are saying hi - seems almost like back in the days. nice you are watching over me ?mommy - i‘m not sure if dandelion is in the season though. i‘m eating ? and ? right now. actually what is the most interesting - he isn’t interested in the educational stuff at all, not really - he has a look, nods and then it’s my game again - he is also not interested in how it feels or how i would manage with vegan pregnancy diet. it is all completely natural and expectations from my side are criticism on him while he expects me to do everything simultaneously and even more and better than before and doesn’t understand why i slowly went into strike mode. why i don’t even like to do the things anymore i always liked to do - because what for if it doesn’t reach anyone. it‘s so sad i already feel like the trapped housewife while i really still have dreams but not the partner to live them together with. he doesn’t understand my perspective however i try to explain it to him he is always the one with the bigger ego - i try to understand him but his view is not about us it is about him, while i try to think us. and just walking away is also hard. sorry for complaining, do i trap myself in my dream system - i suppose so. some weeks ago i saw a young family with three kids. the mom was wearing a tote bag which had written: game over baby. it looked like it was not only a joke, but i think it was not about the kids.

mhhh even found some really nice videos of jean liedloff now.

because it just is the most beautiful you can ever experience as a woman - it’s just like that. giving live and giving a chance and caring for someone - it’s nature and the divine in women, being able to see someone growing up and being there for them. and i also know how to give a better chance for happiness than what was able in my family - at least i thought so. i can’t tell you about how it feels it’s something really beautiful i can’t explain. i just know already how that love would feel and i really want to give it. oxytocin tsuki - life long. the most powerful drug in the world. i bought this book - „on search for lost happiness“ against the destruction of our ability for happiness in early childhood. it’s not the only book, but it’s not about the books - i already know how - i had enough time to watch. and my mom was a really good teacher, despite all other odds. a little surreptitious advertising on the side

no @tsuki this time i don’t agree. i don’t agree with all forms of humiliation. and grief is not a reminder for humiliation, if anything for humbleness. i’m not even sure if i like that word - in general grief is more than that, it shows us the capacity to love a person just for being alive - even if that person hasn’t entered the world yet - well i maybe grief myself for not being able to give that love anymore. i grief myself for the life i lived aiming to something i was aiming to, all by myself. and in my situation i can’t see anything purposeful in it, it could also be an artefakt- it doesn’t help one bit - as i always dreamt of having a responsible loving partner at my side. how can i find one this fast? maybe have 4 years left, that’s a very small timeframe for mutual feelings. so either i start working on my relationship and try to be completely loving again, not expecting the guy to understand me in any way accepting he ignores me and we will be weekend daddy and asshole mommy (because mommy will be always the bad one who actually is invisible and no one listens to because she can’t be right, what wrecks her nerve, what only shows how emotionally unstable of a person she is, that she gets touched by that) or i freeze my eggs. i don’t know how to win in this game, i‘ve already lost - the person who takes the higher risk/love investment always looses in the love game ( if it is a game)

my favorite aftercrying song - must be the selfdruging of my pretty smart selfdeceptive brain: would be glad if it was true this time - but i fear it’s not done with a song and some tears to help with reflection, because there really is no world waiting for me. and i totally am loosing myself in this shit. i guess i will need to find a way up the stream - to attack and retreat.

@tsuki yes and we think we can even read something called emotions in the eyes, isn’t that crazy. we don’t even know if there is someone at home in the colony of cells and bones from the outside so why even look someone in the eyes? and a teardrop is nothing else than sea water produced to hold the eye moistured so it will look very bright and clear afterwards. inside and out.

i have never seen my skull - but i have seen an mrt of my brain. i asked how it looked and the female technical assistant said to me: as expected, beautiful women have always beautiful brains. i guess that counts for the skull as well. ?