now is forever

see that was a misunderstanding - sometimes in a thread there are blue lines apearing between the textfields, did you notice them?

never mind there is more things to do than....than shutting down lights.

i guess this time even the light went off on my forehead. for a minute there was complete darkness. maybe a shortcircuit. the funny thing is i have not always been like that...actually it’s the first time like that - and i don’t know what i expect, maybe i was expecting nothing as i maybe also should understand: this is a fucking internet forum. what am i doing here being vulnerable going crazy and opening my heart to everyone who wants to push in a knife. well not that everyone would do or have done that. and better i go crazy here than on the streets - i‘m acting completely normal there. but berlin is crazy anyways.

@tsuki wow - i guess that would make me really special. i guess i would be the most annoying person in the whole forum then. thank you tsuki but maybe i‘m not a person who can handle that very good. definitely have an issue with being ignored. you see i can’t even joke about it. but if, i would lough. please don’t! i‘m just too dark today - so i can’t tell you how much i appreciate talking to you. i guess i‘m looking like that fish again.

close your eyes while reading this - this is naked stuff.

@tsuki haha - it’s really nice but this time i think yo maybe can’t help me i try to understand my private crazyness - i guess i don’t want to share it - and don’t tell me that openness is the best way. or maybe i‘ll just take some nude pictures and post them here? maybe i‘ll tell you in advance to leave my journal then as i have great respect for your wife

this is not related to the last post. even when it seems so! today was the first time since a long time i felt a moment of emptiness and felt desperate. why this desperation? i‘m starting to get realistic again - not about my own dreams but about sharing my dreams with others in a realistic form.

@tsuki you could ask someone who was there with you at the moment of memory how they remember it - by comparing memories you know if it could be like that or different. what do the blue lines mean by the way?

@tsuki mhhh - why do i don’t believe that anymore! but if you are, you know that i might be more lost than you, don’t you? i would really help you if i could but it always seems as if you would know much more than i do.

@tsuki where did you get lost?

@tsuki are they - i don’t know.did it help you further?

@Athemnajar the situation is like a stalemate. you are facing your problems but it’s going like a game played by two people. one time “you” move, then the other “you” moves and you don’t stop, because you just react. it feels like you have seen through a door but it’s constantly closing again when you want to step through it. i’d recommend to try to get a foot in the door and focus on eliminating the bad habits first. these habits are the corner where you hide from the actual work - (it’s kind of funny as for me the actual work is the procrastination from the actual work ?) so you see i know what i’m talking about. so dismantling the procrastination triggers is a good start, you name them as ego backlashes, write them down in your journal analyze them and then removing them one by one would be my recommendation and replacing them with a positive habit. you start with the one that is the most unhealthy and doesn’t bring you any further. (my big mouth) you see i’m also not there yet but this helped me with stopping smoking. i know it might be not meant like that but theoretically i’m a hero in changing the use of something so you could also try to understand every problem as an ox you need to catch.

@tsuki thank you for calling me a baby... even though this is not about whining. i have pretty early relative human understanding first memory with 1 1/2 even though it’s said to be impossible i know that it’s a real one. but yes there is no understanding of me maybe in the early baby state as all that exists is other or you could equally say me (but i am not aware of that yet) you are welcome @tsuki for you always! and thank you for the data exchange well i hope something went into your direction, too.

@tsukifunny as it is i have seen that the picture of the matrioshka seems to enclose that understanding intuitively, as i’m not the first or last to interprete it that way. what might answer your question about inherent understanding - and if there is some. well it is relative understanding in the first place. signs are like mirrors - a figurine is human like if it has attributes of a human. if i can understand me, i can understand other. but the privacy thing is more about if the dream of equality and human rights and freedom of speech on the outer shell is congruent with reality. i mean i am a data mine - let’s be honest that’s the number i got tattooed on my arm, we all have.

@tsuki i wouldn’t be here if i didn’t have it all along. it’s just more disoriented since it came here, as it never directly looked on how the other shells where constructed. or do you think i would create such a metaphor for understanding myself if i would not understand myself?

i am a matrioshka - that explains everything. it is not about hiding it is about protecting.

i find myself in this balancing act these days - between leaving the forum and the inability of letting go. as i think there is still so much to learn and see here. even though i interfere less and less with forum activities except for the journal. maybe it’s because i’m somehow thinking about projection and what projection really means. and i try to figure out what’s the difference between projection and being on a wavelength. as i somehow think i’m more of a radio than i might be in reality.

sometimes i wonder, what‘s the better concept: nothing to hide or trying to keep privacy. i guess i’ve put emotional personal freedom/liberation equal to lemon juice. so brain is a concept. if someone has seen it, i lost it somewhere around in the forum.... or maybe watching “cat” videos. and it’s kind of difficult to find it again. but maybe i also don’t need it anymore. as it seems lost everywhere i look.

this weekend was illuminating in many small ways - i found out some things about me and about me and the world. i faced drug consumerism, parts of my past and my present on a party and through the awakening afterwards. i met some of the most important and most loved people of my life again and realized how arrogant i am even in loving them and how selfcentered i sometimes am in my expectations and behavior. but i realized i can accept them more without judging them (i thought i did before too) much more, i realized that i learned through this forum to understand different powers at work in them and me. hope i won’t loose that awareness too fast, so i think i still need to stick to this network here. one thing i understood very clear is another sponge quality of a mind, and how it is very difficult to ged rid of little information programmings from the outside. especially if you get triggered a lot. i realized how it is not so difficult anymore to not try to white paint everything that’s dark or need to paint it in a pretty color anymore but i also don’t need to paint it dark or leave it painted dark. in a way i can be white noise. it means i can accept suffering and even laugh with people about their own sarcasm instead of trying to tell them out of their suffering. a problem though is that i might still create suffering because i‘m still talking too much without thinking about the effect - or often even not noticing about the effect. just out of my perspective and still have to work on attention spans. one phenomenon i realized was that the most intense friends the ones i love the most in my life are all unconsciously and „surprisingly“ very very consciously and some of them very virtuous influencers of it. i don’t know what came first in the most cases, love or influence. no matter how mutually my friends and i love us and in what reciprocity - we all have left visible or invisible, intentional or unintentional small wounds or blessings to each other in our memories - sometimes we have to reopen them, so they can heal. so i think maybe a healer is different from a surgeon even though both are health practitioners - the difference is just that the surgeon needs to be invasive and sometimes that’s hurting because the „intimacy“ touched runns deeper.

today i started to call my cellphone a watch. the question is: who is watching who and what and when and where. paranoid? no it’s really like having these mirror eyes. it’s just that so much watching and mirroring diffuses the meaning of watch completely as if watch wouldn’t have any.

i like this thread - like i liked the grit thread

i sometimes think about information as something of matter. if that’s so we have a serious junk problem and the decluttering will need something like information dustmen to get rid of a lot of outdated plunder. i guess that’s the main problem why blue and orange might resist, they have been feeding on it. yellow will be selfish only if the ai is non humancentered junk, too. (for example personal rights violating or overly manipulative) but as it‘s such a seller - why would they stop selling junk. everything made of glas can easily break even if it’s people of glas.

brainwash recovery

@Timotheus sign out of what? signs? life? good luck. be careful and read the small printed stuff in advance it’s hell of a mess when the devil has once entered. by signing out you just sign in to something else. and sometimes you don’t even realize in advance, it’s just another maze. but a sign is not a pictogramm sweety