now is forever

can you guys please stop posting this impersonal bullshit in my journal. stop projecting teal swan unto me. of course ego is her best friend!

no everyone is getting more ego every day. it’s ok it’s probably needed - i just can’t watch it. maybe it’s not even this maybe i just reached my limits.

i will still go, i’m just wrapping up loose ends. i said it will take some time - i didn’t say i will die because this i is not ok to die. as this is not about some ego it’s about this worlds ego. not about the matrioshka man but about the mater underneath that’s already dying.

no mandy i don’t want to - that’s my love right now. love sometimes means to draw lines. not everything is negotiable. and even if the ego thinks it wins, it really does, but not a heart. the heart is for HUMANITY it’s the capital H it’s indisputable.

yes mandy but - surviving and surviving are different, either you survive and make a difference or you survive to keep everything the way it is. there is a difference in saying there is no good or evil and actually really understanding why there is no good and evil in certain cases. you can see everything from the absolute perspective or you see it from a human perspective. saying we are the same is a metaphor for saying we are made of the same flesh we are made of the same material as the beggar on the streets who died because he froze to death, or the child who died of hunger or the soldier from the other side we shot. there are no excuses for killing, and the only way not doing that is holding ourselves in check. someone who doesn’t get that is not supposed to be a leader.

it’s really difficult to delete this one, i’ll need some time cracking this nut. the moment i’ll go everyone will be used to it so much, because it will take some days, it won’t hurt, you will not care anymore. there is no relevance to it but the relevance we assign to it. it’s all me clinging to this dream. there is no dream.

no it wasn’t all for itself - you didn’t get that. it was for something it was never just for nothing - there was a dream behind. being heartbroken means the dream is broken.

i don’t claim experience to be trickery, you are doing that. i claim experience is what it is, if someone hurts you, it might not be intended but it still is. i always start out without judging people, they reveal themselves usually over time or time reveals itself over time as it is only always just now. the reason why we get heartbroken is not because we break our hearts ourselves or someone else does. hearts get broken because no one breaks them - when we realize it was all for nothing. nothing cares except if nothing does.

you think you are saying such wise words now? it’s your own survival game. but you don’t understand. there is always only just now.

no i let life trick me even though i know it will probably end like that - in that sense yes i trick myself everytime to be a better person, so what? but in the end it’s still life what’s tricking me not death, death comes anyways. why should i not be ok living in the unknown, completely groundless - i’m doing that already for ages. anything you can learn to know is yourself anyways.

because there is no reason - it’s the sadness that eats you up when you realize again, you’ve got tricked again, life tricked you again. i once was hopelessly optimistic. i can’t anymore.

yes because, they are not my loose ends to take up. skip the as well part and you understand why i give up. you see the devil wins. it’s all ego, the question is about how. i’m not wrapping them up in a show, it’s not about trying to show anything anymore. i’m not a teacher nor a student right now. i’m nothing and i’ll eat everything that is not at 5 on the trees.

i don’t try nothing to achieve here for you - i’m trying to wrap up my loose ends that’s all - this is completely ego driven. why don’t you get it? there is no pity party! why do you even care? i never had much to do with you, so why do you care so much?

yeah that’s your worldview and i’m completely not open to it. as you don’t no shit about me. it’s actually you who think that way. but the problem is no it won’t happen that way - because, i will only put my energy somewhere i know there is a chance to make a change from now on. the cruelty about all of it is this - if you don’t put energy into something for itself you can’t have an impact if you don’t put energy somewhere where it actually makes a difference you just blow it, that’s entropy.

i didn’t really need to figure out myself, even though i figured out some parts about the world. and i helped myself along the way. and yes i ignore the people who made this valuable at the moment. i’m shutting down though right now - i’m the less open than i ever was in my entire life. i figured out people since i can remember i never needed this here to do so. and actually i don’t want to figure out others anymore, they can try for themselves if they want to.

no it is the gap with trying to give some wisdom and creating no change - as the ego doesn’t get it.

because i see how people change. and regarding your edit - no the folk here doesn’t think similar - it’s not different than anywhere else, it’s even worse.

yes, maybe - i didn’t choose to be here. it was like being forced because i saw a chance in making a change. now i’m disillusioned.

no you won’t you will only remember yourself.

the topic was: are enlightenment forums mainly ego trips? hahaha yes, not mainly.

it will be as if i had never been, that’s how beautiful it is. no one will remember.