now is forever

just because you don’t change your girlfriends that often doesn’t mean you shouldn’t change your underpants once in a while...

you could basically have suppressed anything - as laughter is just a spontaneous release for overshooting controversial emotions and thoughts. there is a phenomenon of people bursting out into laughter during funerals, that encloses this phenomenon really good - it doesn’t mean something has to be funny to release with laughter, sometimes situations are so tense or so sad that the body does that. it would be interesting for you to listen inside yourself what it may have been about.

smoked a herbal cigarette today - it’s not backlashing, as i did it just out of interest and there is no craving from it. it contained damiana what i‘ve never heard of before. funny thing is i still feel a little bad, as if i was cought in the act - maybe because there are many exceptions lately as it is not easy to stick to one’s own rules if the sourounding doesn’t support it. so i wouldn’t even have touched it if it wouldn’t have been around. some behaviors are produced only by availability. and some because of unavailability. and a lot are produced because of particularity.

@Wisebaxter just put that external intelligence in your hand down and focus on the external intelligence in your presence. i mean it reacts if you poke it...

oh ?? am i just too much lemon for the world? i really tried to wash my face today but sometimes it just sticks as lemon is really everywhere... and no one can understand the lemon phenomenon as lemons are maybe one of the last big riddles of our time!

i don’t know if you understand synchronicity, as in synchronicity things fall together instead of apart. what i also noticed is how you perceive the path as if she wasn’t walking one. i wonder if walking the path means not seeing what’s happening along the way? only focusing on the track ahead without even knowing where it might lead to? how do you know you are on the right one and she is on the wrong one?

the thing is i don’t even know if it’s just one or if there are more of them where i partially belong to. by the way which one of the adresses where you referring to? cyprus or the troglodyt?

i really love art - it’s so dammn good, especially directly where it belongs.

if i research that creatively i just get: troglodyte?

@tsuki your not a man if you can‘t take the pain.... just do some selfflaggelation - your ego can slowly get used to it.

@tsuki what would be ralston style? gold? i would not put metal in my mouth - you never know if it might become a radio receiver and if so you maybe let them install some kind of on/of switch.

i‘m sure you‘ve read that a thousand times but what about adaptogens and nootropics? are you taking any for basic stability? if not - really please try rhodiola and ashwaghanda and brahmi as those are the only ones i know for sure can have a small impact on this pain you are having right now. i know this pain is real and hurtful but as long as you feel that pain so severely you can’t really work on the problems. @Charlotte also talked about nootropics that helped her once, maybe she could tell you. the second step is to change the variable in your life that will make the biggest impact with the lessest effort. as you don’t have much energy at the moment handling all at the same time. you are juggling with your problems but you can only concentrate on one. so aim at a simple solution of the biggest problems first, it doesn’t have to be the final solution - there are also provisional solutions. also even though all problems are probably connected and intertwined, you need to separate their connection to see how the viscous circle feeds itself, and handle only small matters aside from them. bullet journaling helps me a lot these days to juggle and get a grip on the balls to man up you know maybe you could find the book in a library. ? and also if you are interested, just call them and ask how much it would cost and how you could get support from insurance or other sources! https://www.mindtherapyclinic.com/neurofeedback-treatment/ and yes it all costs money - but food also costs money. treat it as food, food that will really nourish you.

i start to understand the problem of elites again, and how there are so many types of elites i can never be a part of, some doors keep on being closed, i just was never so aware of it because mostly i never wanted to be part of a lot of these elites. i never noticed that i might also belong to one, but i do.

@Leo Gura guess you confuse the ox for a bull

depends on how you define bank account and if bank account is just a concept - depends on what and where it’s saved what someone else is logging into. some nothings stay nothings precisely because they are nothings and some nothings turn into something precisely because they are nothing. and some somethings turn into nothing precisely because they are something then you realize it never has been something.

@tsuki i don’t know tarot - it’s just intuition. only know the fool and the hanged man until now maybe there will be more... like the strawberry card - well that i know, too.

that’s maybe because the violation brakes open your channel to the beings around you - it opens you up for respect to yourself and other sentient beings. that’s respect for life itself, caring is indeed the only thing that can heal neglection.

@tsuki thank you! no it’s a healing process that needs time. everything else i can imagine seems impossible as i can’t just force them into existence. everything will fall into place you know and our open wounds will heal, well some will scar.

did anybody ever include the vacuum in their calculations? if i vacuumate something it presses together everything tightly so why are some masses pressed together more tightly than others? and why are the ones that are pressed together really tightly have more gravitation than the ones that don’t let themselves be pressed together tightly? how does the vacuum even exist? maybe because the universe is expanding? it’s really funny i can imagine that... it would somehow also fit the homeostasis problem. and how was it again black holes don’t rotate?

talking about vulnerability opens myself up to vulnerability again, too. and i realize my heart is like a wound i carry around, it feels like this hurt yearning spot and i don’t know if it will ever heal again.

@tsuki my ego likes that - but you know i can’t do much except eating with chopsticks and walking with chi, that’s what i‘m really proud of. except that i‘m also lost most of the time and depend on conciousness to arise from outside, a lot. that’s sometimes really difficult as some people especially men often just don’t want to talk about matters that could concern me - so how could i navigate? i think it’s really nice that you opened up to vulnerability! even though the experience was rough! love is also the feeling of being needed to survive, seing how you need someone and how ugly that feels for the other if you are pushing the other away, who is equally in need of your love. love has different qualities, there is the body/heart quality and the mind quality. they are different and you seem to have a lot of questioning/mind love, it‘s a little stronger than the other one, but it can also help a lot! as long as you work on it, it might be the trip was not the worst experience at all. your wife seems to be the benefactor in that sense i‘m a little bit jealous in general - i‘d wish i had a partner who would be aware of this like that. so for your relationship sake don’t loose that insight too fast! hope you are not taking it bad, that i show own wounds while you are showing these really fresh ones. hope it can hint to some positive aspects of realizing these mechanics in your own direct experience.

@tsuki mhhh some of it reads quiet funny. maybe you need to learn to eat with chopsticks? that’s less brutal.

yes moma bubbles differently than times square said peter. but what if times square would bubble moma?

so maybe it’s about this - don’t know though how fresh all of it is, maybe you need some time until you can reflect it better! maybe it is all still oscillating wildly and need to settle a little more. to put peaces together we need to gather the peaces first!