now is forever

@mandyjw that’s not what i meant - it’s just because i am sure there are some who need to start to work very early on it... there are people who are more sensitive than others and some are born „old souls“ - if they don’t start early they get lost. so what some might experience with 30 others may have seen with 15 - there are different understandings of enlightenment - different stages of deep traveling, too. you can’t really say someone is more enlightened than another but you can say some see/dive deeper as others. and what is the measurement anyways?

also why do problems usually come in bundles? and why do their multiple emotional threads intertwine? as if shit would be magnetic to shit - or the mess that happens when shit hits the fan - the cleaning is much more work than an ordered shit flush. and who threw the shit in the first place and hid themselves? it‘s kind of an cause and effect game. wow isn’t art amazing! i did that...fuck ? but there is no me you know. because i am an illusion. well that’s what we use to think not only if someone else threw the shit. the shit though - that’s not an illusion.

it sounds like it, but we don’t live in a world without friction. if we construct a world without friction it won’t work, but of course channeling the energy differently is always a way... if you go into the mechanism deep and find a solution. on the other hand sometimes you can only fight aggression by showing your teath - if that’s a laughter or a growling. so it’s really important to see what is outfront aggression against you and what not - realizing who is other and who is me. ofcourse all is you but what of it is other and what does other handle with it? and what do you?

so if i don’t know how to take on responsibility, i get scared of taking it and i push it further away. i solve other problems instead to relieve the pressure - what’s procrastination. instead of using the procrastination to solve the problem. so some problems get solved of the many but not the uncomfortable ones - the ones that feel to heavy to face. and thats actually bad, because the uncomfortable ones then stick around to hount us even more. it’s really better to solve them first - but how to get there, solving them first? i still don’t have a good solution on how to prioritize.

@tsuki are you hurt right now?

so the true answer is one person can’t take responsibility for the whole world as responsibility is not a feeling, it is action/doing. doing the responsibility not just feeling it.

no, it’s ok. this was not pointing towards you being a problem, because being there to help is not the problem. what i want to say is - it’s normal that we can’t handle everything alone. that’s why we are social beings. it‘s just that i have some basic hurdles that block me, i have to overcome. but i also have problems letting others handle my shit. and i got too comfortable in letting others handle my shit, for much too long. same as some people get to comfortable in being on their own for to long not able to recive help. the problem is i‘m also talking about two different situation threads at the same time right now. so it’s very difficult to get the threads in order - they are intertwined.

because i can’t take over responsibility from others - they are responsible for themselves. but i‘m only used to take responsibility for others while i‘m also used to let others take responsibility for me.

healthyness can’t only be measured by happiness. but i don’t really get what you point at tsuki. towards what are you pointing to? that i don’t want others to suffer? that i have a helpers syndrom? that i‘m codependent? what else should i look at? that there are too many problems in this world for me to solve because they arise everywhere? that someone told me i was the problem (dad) and another one told me i was the most beautiful gift on earth (mom)? where should i look at tsuki? can you point the direction? because there are only mechanisms and dynamics to look at. maybe to understand that it’s true, i can only always solve myself and that’s solving the problem. but how can i leave others alone then? i mean if i like people how can i leave them suffering? and if i am the problem they suffer with how could i leave them alone suffering with themselves? it’s too much responsibility to take on, that’s why i‘m running away from taking real responsibility - i also have the problem of sometimes not seing what the priorities are. so in a sense it’s difficult to discern the external problem from the internal problem, as they arise together. i mean the external hurdles and the internal hurdles.

so i see that i write that sentence down, know that i‘m doing it, telling myself i change and then still this feeling of resistance holds me from starting the disconstruction. as if my mind produces the end situation and is already happy with the imagination, illusion of it, although it never happened. happy with the thought alone. i can do it a little later - after i‘ve done the other things, because i‘m here right now, right? i‘m just being here for now, i‘ll do the uncomfortable things in the evening, or in the morning (that’s after the evening has arrived). it’s not that i‘m not being, it’s not that i‘m not aware. it’s just that i‘m only always aware of the more comfortable, until the uncomfortable thought gets really loud so i finally do it under stress and pressure. i can only imagine how nice it would be if doing these things where fun. how can i arrive at doing these things with fun? i‘m not the challenge person...so either i need to learn to enjoy chellange or i need to learn to enjoy doing disconstruction. but certainly i need a different fuel than stress. love is a nice fuel - so how to love the uncomfortable if it is exactly the opposite of convenience? i mean that’s what i really need to face in awareness, the uncomfortable, as the solution is usually found in the uncomfortable as the uncomfortable is the problem.

if it’s too cold at the beginning, you can always do alternating shower instead of only cold shower first, always ending with the cold shower. it’s very good to train the blood vessels expand and contract, or do sauna. i suppose though it’s better heating up the body temperature through wim hof or sports. only remember never do cold showering when you are freezing already. the body is supposed to react with counter heat after the cold flush. beer and codein might work better in the hair though - makes them shiny. if you don’t grow them on the head... well it could still work.

@Cesar Alba i‘m not sure but for the numbness it‘s supposedly the blood flow or a nerve - so i‘d recommend trying to stretch in advance (poses like pigeon or others might help). for the back too it’s probably because you don’t have the right posture the spine might be crunched - either you train the back muscles a little more or maybe a cushion could help. depending on what you are doing in that position, of course then it’s difficult to position the heel close to the body.

@CreamCat must have been on friday... but i got some kicks from it. guess i‘m also an egotheist sometimes. who me? impossible...hehe

@mandyjw didn’t watch it until the end but i had the first enlightenment experiences at the age of 15 and that‘s round about where a lot of initiation rituals take place. so of course it won’t be then but the calling or the path can begin very early especially for the ones with shamanic, creative or healing abilities or family traditions, for some it starts out very early. i even had enlightenment experiences as a child if i remember clearly.

that‘s either a duality or you are an egotheist... did i just invent that? ah no - too late. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egotheism you could say egotheism is a special form of narcissism.

forever ever

also think i start to understand what determinism really means, a lot deeper than ever before. well i never really went deep into determinism reflection. but it’s pretty much including codependency and synchronicity in a broader sense. i only understand it deeper though after integrating the nature of reality as non material but spiritual in that sense a spiritual determinism. what doesn’t mean i‘ve integrated spirituality enough - i can def improve. but the thing with codependency is, i pretty much will probably return to material spirituality - as this is kind of essential for my profession. i will need to track and improve somehow on oscillating between both.

when i woke up today reality entered my mind and with it some fear and i realized how my mind wants to go hiding behind dreaming again. but handling external reality is what i didn’t want to run away from again, even though if reality and dreams seem to have two different directions at the moment. i‘ll try to move on with reality and handle my shit, because it’s starting to come flying again. my self absorption is holding me from working on necessities, to the point of ignorance. this is a turning point. ???‍♀️ i‘ll try to do that with grace - i‘m still not there 100% still far away from handstand and further from walking on the hands, quite litteraly, and maybe never will be, but it’s ok - somedays are better an some are worse. as last night was maha shivaratri - how i learned in the forum, it’s a good way of filling the heart again with the power of disconstruction (disconstructing problems) the power of shiva i didn’t understand for a long time completely.

a chameleon is only a colour shifter. growing is shapeshifting and when children throw a fit they can also be colourshifters. that might happen because of shapeshifting... but that’s only a concept... until there is no confirmation bias anymore.

@Highest yes for you quoting yourself it might be...

@Highest well if someone tells ego is liked and so on - why would that not trigger ego? either you or i made it a personal thing after the concept died. why do you think it triggered my ego?

@Highest mh - it is more about the blue lines you know. either you seem to know me or you know how to trigger my ego.

@Highest i am complicated and i get confused very fast. that’s because you are playing cat and mouse. and i have reasons to be confused...

@Highest i try to. i just don’t get the situation. too many thought loops.

@Highest do i need to understand that? what exactly am i not getting about this situation? ?