now is forever

can you?

woke up in the middle of the night again and couldn’t sleep and had a look into the forum. then i started to listen to the jungle sounds - fell into a really light dream infused half sleep. and awoke again with the longing to clean the kitchen - that’s what i did. i didn’t have a longing to clean anything for a long time maybe since i moved from my favorite flat i ever lived in - it was more of a burden since then and i did it only because it had to be done. i really like the flat i’m living in now, too. i like it’s location as it is very multicultural, i only have to step out, and everything i need and can dream of is around the corner. i like the space and the floor and the walls (the walls i created/decided on how they look, some are rough naked alive some are white) it’s an old building with dubble windows. and there is still so much to do...but it’s slowly changing, either i leave it that way or i change it. A is not an option so i find another letter for it. L for love is not a bad one. we move from A to L so we don’t have to decide on changing it at all or to decide to change it into all possible letters. i am option B so i know that because i’m an L too. It’s not about anyone’s L it is not anyone’s L although it is a very intimate vulnerable L. even though this is my L and everyone else has their L. L sometimes needs to discern L from L. even though L can be shared and form an L space - the boundary of it is also respecting the L of the other while maintaining the own L, it’s difficult sometimes to share and still respect when everything gets blurry. an L can be shared and it can be separated into l and _ .

@SOUL that’s really poetic!

started to watch limiting beliefs. started to work on them, too. if i understand it correctly that’s what the horcruxes are about. it’s a phenomenon i am studying since some time, i didn’t name it like that, as i usually try to not use symbolism i don’t discover for myself. so they are limiting beliefs, but not only that, they are more about limiting dreams, wishes potential futures - we enclose memories in objects and symbols. good ones, that shouldn’t be touched if not necessary and bad ones that need to be demystified for us to wake up. for emotions there are a lot of them - movies, songs, but also physical ones that remind us of people, situations, moments, concepts, beliefs, dreams. when we transcend these dreams we are often getting rid of the objects, too. or the other way round if we get rid of objects we transcend the dreams - that would be mari kondo style remix. we also can still keep the objects if the memory is warm. but usually we keep just some and find new ones to dream on. not everyone is set out for a completely minimalist lifestyle. even though complete minimalism can be one of the most beautiful and liberating lifestyles. minimalism is like a confession, it’s an absolute - i will always look up to as i am to full of everything to ever reach that, but i can create it. and i’m in awe to it’s beauty often enough. and i don’t create pearls anymore, the only thing that makes me sad is how pearls get kapitalized.

? without an end

only the crocodile is subject to the moon. submission to swadhistana means to accept the god/dess within us. the sea knows there is no hurry.

@mandyjw the silversmithing, how about learning that? for a future project/vision!

oh it took me to long ...

@mandyjw are you going to africa? can you shoot an elephant for me? i mean with the camera... of course we are not for hunting here.

no you are not dying yet! you just want to have some candy. i love you ? with or without jason ackles.

@mandyjw well i‘ve seen better drawings of a self... even of yourself. reducing it on jensen ackles... what is this about us needing to pin some guys at the wall - even though i never had a jesus there.

what is your nature?

@mandyjw what is a witch?

@mandyjw how did you do that? are you mary? that sounds so direct - what i actually mean is, it’s one of your regrets isn’t it? do you feel you bought into that, a little?

and there he goes poking with a stick.

you don’t know me...i just got aware of that. what about lumacy? lumandy? amacy? lumanda?

@mandyjw thank you - i have my own sources. i‘m sure he’s wonderful. in case of women pain i trust in women. it’s maybe something for guys to listen to. i‘m thankful though macy for reminding me - i can share it with you, we all do, don’t we. my mom recommended me some german female authors. so if i really want to go deeper into it than i did the last months, i’ll do. but ultimatively it’s about understanding deeply that the value of any kind of shell animal lies in the soft parts - and these are not for eating - it’s about the deepest understanding of respect towards life. yin and yang are not superior or submissive - they arise from nothingness/thingness in nothing.

@tsuki i shouldn’t try to explain it. you see it already happens.

no tsuki, it’s truth, women are prey! they get capitalized mistreated abused in every form possible. for some of us it’s already over during the cell division process. and some arrive there only later in life. and i guess some men’s painbody is, that they can’t change it. a pearl is lifeless.

well then what will be left of me?

yeah, i wonder if you go for the shell or for the soft parts

what is there not to understand about: It's a fire These dreams they pass me by This salvation I desire Keeps getting me down 'Cause we need to Recognise mistakes For time and again So let it be known for what we believe in I can see no reason for it to fail... 'Cause this life is a farce I can't breathe through this mask Like a fool So breathe on, sister breathe on From this oneself Testify or tell Its fooling us now So let it be known for what we believe in I can see no reason for it to fail... 'Cause this life is a farce I can't breathe through this mask Like a fool So breathe on, little sister, breathe on Ohh so breathe on, little sister, like a fool try to read it from a woman’s perspective, once. that’s the part you don’t understand isn’t it? actually it was one of my favorite songs once, too. i loved the whole album, i listened to it back and forth a thousand times. that’s what macy referred to with the pain body - i think guys have it, too. but this one is especially for women. it’s not very long ago that my mom talked to me about it, it’s connected to our families as well as it is a huge pain body, the painbody feminism is rooted in. most women neglect being part of it openly - they go on with the farce.

that’s harsh - well maybe then i stop the jabber so you don’t even notice anymore that i‘m feeling bad sometimes. it will be emotionless empty space no emotion what so ever, you could talk to a wall or a black screen or your facepalm. i‘m talking to myself anyways so don’t think any of it was meant for you it’s all exceptionally for myself, that’s exactly why it’s not easy to leave the shell we built around us! someone walks along the beach and thinks: oh it’s mine i found it, sometimes there is even some animal inside but you could just cut that out and keep the shell decorating your toilet.

don’t confuse nothing with nothingness you can see nothing without seeing nothingness. deep realisation of nothingness comes before the realization of nothing though. you can also meditate on dependent arising and letting go. you only need to ask one question deep enough, well you don’t even need to ask it, if you become the question.