now is forever

thats what life should be about.

sense of privacy came back, ? finally

today i'll try to take this song as my mantra "her" is the challenge or the vision or the world because i'm not the only one, there is many many who already hold it up, i'll just let it in until i can hold it up with everyone, always searching for solutions, finding my life purpose:

actually the people living here most are invadors themselves, me inclusive, in that sense, everyone came at a certain point. by birth or by foot. chaos was always there.

well i'm not the only one, it's a big city a big community. an elephant standing it's ground ? like many other cities around the world. thank you for your kind words and interest! it's nice to talk and see from others perspective. your perspective!

well we try but chaos is movement - it only changes and transcends. for example we need more buildings, because there is not enough living space anymore. so artists have to leave their cheap places to make room for expensive lofts and gaps between the buildings are closed, where wild grass was growing there are clean new flats now. unfortunately the architecture is not very modern, in sense of design paradigm shift.

yes, germans as well, like me ? berlin is a melting pot where all live together, interacting like quantum physical overlapping spaces. and blue also tries to regulate more and more.

it's not about that you know that. i wouldn't say i'm smart - and i lived here my whole life. isn't this whole travel somehow about becoming a child again anyways? a lot of germans look a little envious to scandinavian countries because we missed that as post war traumatized humans. just watched the new video of spiral dynamics blue and realized - these things i wrote here are the last parts of my blue stage, i couldn't let it completely go, because it's the accumulation of my childhood. i always kept it with me. and as we all live in countries, and families and not communities, blue is one of the most difficult part to transcend completely, some things will always stick to us. because the world around us is so blue, in many aspects. but well berlin gets flooded by people from all over the world, for many aspects. and looses more and more of it's beautiful chaos. people are fighting to keep it alive everyday. you are welcome to take part in it - wherever you are, it's also happening more close to you than you might imagine, in your own country, come here go back, realize it into reality. you can find answers anywhere on the world. could be anywhere on the world, interact with anything you want. we just have to walk there on our own feet. (physically i would recommend some kind of vehicle)

i don't want to talk in detail about my family, but i didn't grow up in berlin - there was nature and health and knowledge and ökological meaning and love and care and creativity but there was also the burden of the 68's generation against the burden of the 3reich generation of watchers and war parttakers, reflected in my close family. when i was a child we visited concentration camps with my parents and went to protests against atomic energy plants. and against war. it's hard for a child to see these pictures of death people knowing somehow everything around you is related to that even the harts of your parents. of course for the people dying it was infinitely more torturous than that. it was also hard to imagine other children dying in wars. but we did, it was for the sake of peace for the hope of one day - that hasn't come yet. and for the deep need of never letting something like this ever happen again. the cold war an everyday evening program of my parents, intermitten with war documentary - the way of my father never to forget the sins of his parents generation a mantra that never stopped. as if he could change anything afterwards. sucking in these pictures like some people do movies. without joy just to figure out the solution for him how to change the world into a better one. what does that do to you if you play an egoshooter game? i mean with your psyche. isn't it so clear now? all this craziness a part of everyday life. it's so absurd isn't it, over all i still had a happy childhood. i watched us movies and loved everything coming from the us. even though my parents didn't like labels and we ate biological food. i even got a barbie - my mother didn't like the sexual image of it - how strangely their feet are deformed and always smiling, not the best pedagogic choice for girls to play with. but we also watched snails and let them run against each other. that was kind of fun. and there was all this good pedagogic stuff coming from all over europe. in movies and tools. it seems to be easy - but the choice of what you put inside to someone as a symbol really is not - if we don't understand what symbols they stand for. the outer appearance is the quality it's so simple. fake is fake and real is real. a shoe can be a shoe and it can be a hammer. it's important for humans to use their hands in a creative way to understand what meaning is. if we don't use our hands we can not understand. in german language there is a word called "begreifen" it means something like "touchunderstanding" or grabing understanding. maybe grabing meaning.

i grew up in a sourrounding where i was guilty for every death that occurred during that war and every unrighteousness that is applied to human beings anywhere on the world. i had to carry that and decide for myself what is good or bad without any solution. that sounds so egocentric rightnow. yes it is, everything was referring to me but i couldn't change it, even though i wanted and i tried, how can i change a situation that already happened long before i was born. i could only do with my heart. because that's everything that was left unguilty. i never wanted to grow up. because growing up would have ment to become responsible for something too big to carry. i still had to, we can't decide as human beings. this little monkey how can it decide anything by itself. but i kept the child in me as my source of inspiration. to find a way to find a solution how i could become unguilty. through myself. but where to begin with as a freshly grown up? so many possibilities to start the journey. almost paralyzed. no god to solve the problem. no political system. only one solution, to find meaning in life itself. thinking i had produced that i was the source of it - how can i think that way? how can anyone think that way - being the producer of everything meaningless you recive. (it's referring to the absurdity of making things into reality by using a strangeloop through thinking)

talking about the paradox the catch 22 of of my life phu, that's quiet hard - because it's not as positive as my thoughts everything positive i put outside has a negative hurting part inside. every knowledge i made someone suffered for. it's not my doing i know that. but i only have this knowledge because i tried to figure out their pain by feeling it with them. something just opened up inside of me and i had a hand full of big tears running for myself. for having to lock that up, all the time. i ask myself when did i start to solve problems - and think it was already when i was 5 and know it already began with my parents and the way of my family in it's surrounding and the controversies and paradoxes of the world i was born into. my generation is not free, we are still bound by the horrors of the second world war. while some can how ever identifie in a kind of positive sense, others like me absolutely can't. how can a child born anywhere solve the problem of the generations before? but we still do. everyone does in a sense.

how to stay healthy in this madness of public selfinquiery i accidentally take part in? i have a book that helps me to understand the path of selfillumination, and another book about why i'm still hanging around in this forum it is from the same author. it's a book about nothing, and it's a book about everything it's a book where nothing is eating up the world or world of phantasy. it's not about someone going on a search for it. but it's about someone trying to fight it. it's a childrensbook - and it's some kind of roadmap that might help us getting the way back. for me it's a very strong magic tale. it's called "the never ending story" from the german author michael ende. it describes a lot of situations we have to face during our inner journey in very strong pictures. at least in german language, i don't know how good the english translation reflects it. i would also prefer more reading it than watching. because the movie skips a lot of the hidden meaning and changed some important pictures. why am i still here in this forum, leaving my traces? because when i was a child, i read and watched the german book and movie "momo" it's about time and how time is stolen from us. but it's also about a girl touching people's heart with the flower of time. i really loved the movie - it's only available in german but you can find it with english subtitles. (on youtube) sometimes i ask myself, where have all the really good books gone, the ones with meaning? in the seventies during sexual revolution there where all these good books about how to understand our body and genders. recently i even bought one that was recommended in a radio show, a book from the seventies. yes i still listen to radio, there is some really good radio in germany. how can we make sense of our past when we don't know what the generation before us has known. the individual has to pass through the same gates of development, as every single other has before. why do we keep forgetting good stuff with true knowledge. some things should be classics and some classics shouldn't. we are blind in the now. we should be archeologists of the time of our parents past, to understand what time we are coming from but not only in our country but also in other countries, that fascinate us. it's good to search for the bigger picture - but they also actualized themselves or were actualized somehow. someone calling for freedom is always a good example to find truth. funny how there was this sparrow sitting in front of my window calling for his mother to feed him in a verry loud voice. while i was writing "someone calling for freedom" - it was already a quiet grown up sparrow.

maybe i have to talk about those positive pictures i get sometimes, like yesterday i had this strong ganesha picture in my mind. it's like a positive affirmation or maybe something else. but it doesn't matter where it came from - it was just nice and i welcomed it. feeling strongly related to it. and had the feeling of it's symbol and a strong connection to it. and i felt it's wholly meaning. in the evening there was some holy mary pictures (strange, i'm not a christ, but if i had to choose inside of christian symbols, think i would take her as my affirmation)

somehow i start to try hearing people talking to myself because there is no one to talk to... maybe i have to stop the selfinquiry for some time. feels too schizophrenic. isn't it interesting how i bought myself some dandelion salad yesterday. i bought that before but never felt like a bunny eating dandelion before ? i talked too much about animals and pictures in the forum with others. now i get myself as a dandelion eating bunny.

i should lie on the floor right now, sleeping - we are doing a floor sleeping and breathing challenge in the forum. i layed there for almost 2hours trying to sleep but i couldn't i think i wanted it too much. now i'm lying on the couch typing. it's boring ☺️ absolutely boring. but i have something to do: typing. ? it's definitely procrastination. but how can i do something if i don't want to from my heart. it's a challenge i didn't choose intrinsically. i have unlearned to do things i don't like to do. because i found things i like to do. things i really need to do because they have meaning. if i have to go to bed at a time when the traces of the sun are still up i can't make sense of it. it's meaningless and still has to be done. here we go again with the catch 22. when there is coffee, why is there no antycoffee? because sleep is not something our society holds as important. work is the most important being awake is important. who ever said sleep is not, is not right. the most intelligent people slept for more than 8 hours per night - because candles where expensive. how can an organism even survive healthy if it's not sleeping well. i guess the breathing technique will be interesting, too. will i need less sleep then? or is it just another experience to try to save sleeping time? because it's so important to stay awake. or is it a technique to get creative? to get visions out of this body that is already full of it? more visions phu what should i choose then? it's already hard enough to make choices. too many ideas are like a blockage when there are only two hands to bring them into reality. isn't that also a paradox in our society? there are so many good ideas that would make the world better, but no chance to implement them, because there is no one to just do them because they are good. it's always a fight against what's already there and known. evolution in society is almost always going straight forwards, building up from what was before like in the evolution model of nature. but the human is not part of nature anymore (well it is but not in it's way of living). who says we haven't reached a situation where we couldn't set a new paradigm in the way of producing. there is so many good ideas already out there to produce differently, why all that effort to resist? why does it take so much time? because we have to try everything in it's old ways first, until we realize there is better methods? does the world have to suffer first? until we realize? and all the good ideas for the garbage as well. that's so sad. so much wasted potential. our world is so full of possibilities - can't we trust more in the really good stuff? now i started to realize why i am a catch 22 as well. where that ideology comes partially from and why i stop writing about it. don't want to speak from my parents view. well almost 3:00 only one hour until wake up...? i totally lost. i'll try it again tomorrow. with the early sleeping.

somehow now i feel like a test bunny applying for observation. as if the bunny had chosen to be observed. well that's after the meaning disappears. ? if no one is there to be talked to. just wrote that to myself - isn't it sooooo paradox. but i still like it. because i experienced it while writing - no one else will understand the exact same as i did. but if someone else reads it, it might give some insights. just sat on the balcony (smoking because it's a sideffect that returned while just being in the brain all the time i will stop again soon and know i can, because after stopping it reappeared sometimes for a day or two) and watched the swallows flying they are so virtuous in diving down and rising again. i could feel it's joy and was able to feel it's happyness. moments like that are truely worth living for. now the swallows are gone, but there are still sparrows chirping in the trees. there is the sound of a ball and the sound of children going home from the playground. always something in movement. it's so meaningless but it has meaning in itself. i'm just like that - the same but different of course - but i have found meaning in myself. that's why it's meaningful for me.

have to enter this now because i feel like it - even though it's still a dream for the world. it can be reality for the individual, who's home in itself. who takes ownership of itself and says yes to love and deep meaning.

have to open a new field here about now and decision making and freedom of choice. what we put in is what we get back. we are what we are because we chose to be. that seems paradoxical, but it isn't. it is about putting the healthy stuff in to be healthy and leaving the unhealthy behind.for self-actualization that would mean to put in love where we miss it, put in meaning where we miss it, put in light and laughter and attendance not just in us but also in whom we interact with. so it all depends on realizing what is really good for us. not just what we want. if we don't know what is good for us, we have to find out, making sense of multiple information - it's called research. for ourself not just reading. when we think we have found something in the books, trying it by trial and error is the best way to go. at all points feeling if it could be a solution to solve our problem. and it's totally ok if we don't accept human authority if we know the authority is only hold up by hierarchy and not by deep knowledge. always searching for the illuminated knowledge of example. if we do that, we can make a shift in our life. for existence it also means: if the individual is ill, the whole system that was applied is ill, too. be it in health or in nature phenomenon or in politics (like 2 worldwar) the system always seeks equilibrium. like it's source a wave. the higher the wave the deeper the counter wave ? being healthy means equilibrium and the waves being balanced. thats what it means to be in peace. what peace really means. and peace, peacefulness and the finding of peace is the only thing that really matters. equilibrium, balance and peace is what makes life worthwhile. and it's always worthwhile fighting for. (it doesn't have to be with aggression though - but sometimes it has, like the elephant protecting the peace of it's herd) standing strong and use itself as a shield. if there is a shield and resistance for life, (not against) it's always a symbol, a sign, that there is something living for, so deep it is worth dying for. it's a matter of applying that to a situation to understand what the shield represent's. does it shield life or the ego? is the goal to suppress to enrich to enslave or is it for true freedom and letting life happen? the universe will not fade, but life might in all its variety and beauty. i guess life is worth fighting for, always without exception. living to fighting for death is not. not worth living for and not worth fighting for and even not worth dying for. still sometimes we have to make decisions between life and life. sometimes one thing has to go to make room for another. it's applyable to a multitude of situations. and most of the time a truely hard choice. if there is no moment of hesitation there wouldn't be someone at home in us. or it would have to be out of a long journey of experience. choices are hard to make without any subsequent foundation to be based on. we have to trust in our heart to make the decision and better not look back directly afterwards. we need some time for that, the only way to see is the way after it's walked. because we are always just walking into nothing - an unwritten book a not yet made movie. because we are the writers of our own books, the actors, producers and directors in our own movie.

before i start with my lifestory, as a tale, to understand myself. i want to try to understand the deep meaning of a paradox a catch 22. i'm referring here to existence as a paradox. it all happens between nothing and everything. in the middle of it is the now and the decision. and here comes the problem: multiple possible outcomes need something to react with - if there is nothing to interact with, it just leads to nothing or accumulation. so it leads to decisions you can't make in the end, because there is no perciver of it. it's basically like talking in to nothing just for the reason of talking - without reaching out to them. or reaching out without perceiving it landing somewhere. i think we can apply that to physics as well as to information or feelings or any movement. even of time. if there was no time there would be no one to perceive it, but it's only there because we perceive it. if we wouldn't perceive it it would just go unnoticed never happening. its the happening that makes life. and the i that makes life and it's not just a simulation on a screen, it's the only thing there really is. only now exists. as a singularity. but it exists in everything at the same time. people are not just multiple variations of now - they are evolution of now reacting with itself with the ability to choose. what's making them selfevolve. whats making selfactualization to selfevolution. and evolution of humankind. the basic point is still, the decision, of what we want to evolve in to. do we want to be deconstructive or do we want to be constructive? but deconstruction is not to be misenterpreted in disconstruction. they seem to be the same. but deconstruction is a human attribute, while disconstruction is an evolutional phenomenon. like dying or disassembling. or aging. aging is a phenomenon of disconstruction while reassembling. while life is literally aging. and aging is life.

yes there is. a catch-22

@WaterfallMachine during adolescence a friend of mine told me the story of the ugly duckling. she explained to me being different doesn't mean nothing we are different but we have the potential of swans inside of us and we just have to find our real family. wherease the ducks will just stay ducks.

i'm often quiet distracted and run around forgetting what i wanted to do at a place, finding myself in patterns, because my mind is full with solving a problem. and i also talk too much - a lot of people don't like that, usually i try to laugh it off, that's possible because i know of my weakness. it's nice if you manage to sometimes just be humorous with your body - like an old friend - makes you more relaxed about it. that goes for so many conditions. if a situation scares us we tend to concentrate on the failing, what actually results in the feeling of failing. best is to make experiences of succeeding happening in not taking the situation too serious. a lot of good experiences will make bad experiences fade.

for some small problems you could also use little helpers in addition. like buttonless shirts. i would invest some time in finding small solutions for your most crucial situations, you want to manage. maybe there are even shoes that can help you. i guess you know about vibration training? sometimes it's also good to have a joke around that helps to relax a situation (breaking preconceptions of others). i had stagefright for no reason for a long time. psychological training for situations can help to manage the situation. what really helped though was experiencing confidence in what i was presenting. its all just an addition to the inner healing and balance.

counter clockwise - if you have proved yourself to not exist, try to prove yourself the opposite - it's magic. letting life inside, empower yourself with manual creative relearning! instead of letting go of something, you can unlearn and relearn yourself and create your world into something meaningful. there is no meaning in being separated from the world. empty yourself to let the beauty of eternity inside. wisdom will just come along the way.

and what if there is no time? only process only space? and literally we might never reach light speed. what if your brain activity would just look like a river from above (if you could look inside) and a thought is really nothing else than a thunderstorm? that's how time stands still, in the earth and we are processing on it, no past no future just like that only now. that's the most logic for myself. but i won't prove it, i'm happy that i came to that conclusion some years ago - makes life so much easier. in the end we still only know that we don't know. (hope i didn't spill the beans, by the way luke skywalker is darth vaiders son) ? just worked for me and is only a possible solution. for me it worked well because i understood every moment is just one chance - if it's gone it's gone, if i hesitate the chance is gone. but what i achieve now, change now will last as a small change forever. it is a help for decision making. will you just watch or get involved? and do something meaningful for another?