now is forever

@Naviy that was my spark to go on when i reached the bottom as a teen, the song is like a mantra if someone trampled on you. even if it is the whole world. before we can humble ourself with the world we need some self-confidence first. at least we can learn to accept us the way we are.

all utopies change if they are proved against reality, they change from a good idea into either a dystopie or something we can live with. only the essence of the idea doesn’t change. the wolve we nourish is the wolve that grows.

i like marie kondo, she teaches us to tidy up our surrounding, and understanding her principle can help us to tidy up inside our mind, and body, too.

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/d/destructive-creation.asp http://destructivecreation.com/ to understand how i understand destruction and what i mean when i talk about disconstruction and reconstruction

there are so many more silent wars going on in this world (if we leave the armed ones for an instance) so many more internal ones, than the war of the ego or the war of gender and religion - the biggest one might still be the war of cultural background, skintone and language. the war of hierarchy and cast systems, intertwined with the war of drugs the war of education the war of money the war of fashion etc. all battled out during one day. and there is the big war against monotony and against time. stuffing ourselves not only with candy but with senseless information. and there is still the war of nutrition and health, because as well as we in the west are overfed with them in other countries they are in need of better ones or at least having any. i wonder wherever we left evolution behind - if we don’t evolve as a species together, and align with the nature and our internal rhythm and finetune the body with nature again, not against it, and finetune our experiences in exchange with other humans, having actually fun sharing time with them, being productive together and supportive. we will soon be fociles - next species unknown.

i‘m thinking of strong women - and who they are for me. women like rosa parks. like the berlin women who rebuilt the whole city after the war with their own hands. like women everywhere on the world building up their country by organizing small communities and starting to build something from the scratch. women who really have to say something in a society that is driven by the ivory tower. mostly they only leave the ivory tower when it’s already broken down. hasn’t it been like that for centuries, they got burnt in the middle ages get treated as second rate humans in so many societies even in modern ones and at last they have to rebuild it again if men have made a mess out of it. where does this power come from? and why do they still enslave themselves in man made communities? women these days in western society are so much stronger and some try to build businesses differently but in the companies they have to be manlike to rise to the top. who ever wants that? so women just stay procrastinating because someone has to run live in the end. true inspirations we get from our gay and transsexual friends the gay community is fighting for that and they are proud of it and that’s their real heart force, they are often the better “women” and the better “man” they even find meaning where we sometimes can’t find it anymore. i think it’s because they have not just one role model to run to while growing up. they can decide between their mom and their dad or incorporate both of them and have a whole community to run to while growing up. (despite all other difficulties) women in general incorporate also both of their parents, but still they try to match into a box, society has sized for them. even if the box is too small or too big. for women what ego is there to kill? it’s already trampled on since centuries. literally women press their feet in disformation molds over ages just to look good in a man driven society, sometimes i think they where made for us to not run away. like the chinese lotus feet where pressed into a shape. it was also a sex symbol. i like walking barefoot, whenever i can. it feels more natural. interesting how different role models can be. we can be barbies and marylins on the outside and rosa parks and frida kahlo on the inside or if we exchange the symbols they stand for even vise versa. do we have to stick to our human made boundaries for that? no! only the society problem - how will we ever solve that? if there is no true equality. i’m not sure, i can’t talk as a member of the gay community but i don’t want to because it’s not my right to step into their own identity, they fought for that. i’m just talking for the freedom of identity in general. it’s always about in who’s shoes we want to fit. and if we can be who we are without fitting into some kind of shoes. true equality lies in diversity. but maybe we need a role model change to be truely free. (exchange would also fit) for those who really understand the symbol of high heels: the most beautiful women in their hearts are sometimes not born in the body of a woman. if ego men want to understand all that they should close the circle ⭕️ for themselves. by visualizing in what shoes they are walking or stepping in to. everyone else tries mostly to be emancipated. i speak only as an ego woman here who tries to walk bare feet. (a small reminder a circle ⭕️ is closed by breaking it)

@Soulbass got the goosebumps, too. as much as alt-j is going under my skin. especially in sense of waking up from it.

welcome to all the monkeys in the house pack your bags and manage the flow evolution is on the go every elephant and every mouse use your hands and your heart to stop the whoo - click in your brains to balance your zoo this little monkey has no other answer to it.

i now know where i saw that pink pattern. it‘s the same pattern he painted on the elephant. did i tell the elephant was red? but in my story i separated the elephant and it‘s colour + the wallpaper from the thing underneath the wallpaper. and painted the pattern on the symbol that was lying underneath the muddy colourred wall - for everyone to see. it‘s a very egocentrical very onesided view. we all have to still transcend the massive giant of autocracy in understanding what it‘s about. in the end it‘s all about the ego. not only ours. it‘s like understanding what consciousness means on the body level.

just laughed because i saw what banksy made in paris. i don‘t know if i got what it meant exactly. but it felt a lot like what i did here. it‘s a girl standing on the lader spraying some patterns over the nazy cross. still visible. she looks a little surprised. „who me?“ but i hope i didn’t do something like that here. it feels a little like that. hope people who read what i wrote here understand that i don‘t want to paint over the nazy cross. well i did with pink paint but not exactly that tone and not in that pattern. i felt triggered because i did the same ? it‘s all just a counter reaction to nihilism. i would have spoken differently in another situation. the overly positive part - if someone even reads it. i hope it‘s possible to read between the lines. positiveness is there despite or because of the situation it’s a farce in that sense. hope you can grab the meaning along the tune. the higher the wave - that‘s maybe more the picture. pink was just a counter reaction to other colours, of a whole generation like it is black or green or even blue. some more layers would do the trick ? still learning and there is no end? thanks to art the meaning is surely directed to someone else, it says wake up to a lot of people maybe to everyone. we are just a part of it. there is another one with a rat and champagne, the rat is running away with the cork the champagne is left for everyone who wants it. open for interpretation ? too many options to decide - that’s always been the problem. i choose what my heart tells me. i’m a rat, too. i’m just a bottle opener for now.

we really sometimes need people to tell us a story.

in my lifes review, i thought about the ddr and the cold war today. in my house still lives a person who lived here during that time. he told a story about how they found a bug in their telephone years after the wall was gone. it‘s interesting that time, there is a movie called life of the others. it showes how these people might have felt, while watching. i can totally recommend it. there is even a museum in berlin. where they show how all their tools were constructed - there are some small cameras on the fleamarket, too. today it’s drones and other gadgets. i even wonder if there are still people behind and what they might feel like. are they still humans? i sometimes would like to hear their opinion. but that would never happen it always was like that. they are driven by the machines, the machines are their matrix. i just wish they would do some more yoga and work on their spirituality and find out about the universe and the essence of being. and skip it all together. i guess they are probably nice guys. and the lazy people on the other side are just boring - better watch a movie. because in times of peace who exactly needs stuff like that. emptyness is form and form is emptyness. there is no other thing than emptyness in form. except if there is still a heart pounding ? is there? i‘ll never get that answer. unfortunately maybe our children will. like we know about the past now. or maybe we won‘t because the earth is slowly collapsing. we had a psychotic warm spring this year and the bees are dying. icebergs are melting the world is haunted by hurricanes and floods and war. it‘s like the day before the day of judgement. i‘m wondering if it can be interpreted like that. if we don‘t change our ways now i think it will be like that. i wonder what it was that was wheighed that day... maybe the athman, the soul, the consciousness maybe the heart. if it is all one. isn’t it all the same - better start real spiritual work now to meet god in advance or to find out it‘s nothing. that‘s easy for someone to say who found god where there was none. even the church is talking about the last days now. am i egocentrical again? i think i can even see them on the other side ? eating their popcorn ? wonder how many times they were disgusted by what they saw or heard knowing it was all themselves they were seeing. guess i applied to be a test bunny long before - what should i hide what they might not already know. that‘s what we learned from the ddr. manipulation, too, it will just come back at us like a strangeloop. ? we want it to be utopia and what we get sometimes is dystopia. that‘s how humans have always been. we have to stay on the ground for that - relate to reality - that means nature stripped off of everything human made. even of it‘s clothing. nothing is better than real life experience of what christians call eden. what we destroy. also something they loved in the ddr. fkk (free body cult)

today i learned such a harsh lesson again. maybe i will never be released from my past. at one moment i wish for peacful change, want to start a business, the other moment reality is floating in. how will i ever step out of it, some things i can not do with my hands, just with my wishes. i do sunsalutation for that. maybe i should start meditation too. and pursue enlightenment. i‘m too distracted with my consciousness problems.

ahimsa the art of peaceful change

i must admit, just bought the life purpose course, because if i don‘t want to get eaten up by my past, i really have to get my hands on the future. now because the now is the only thing that holds me in distance to it. and if there is only the now how will i ever get to the future skipping the now. that‘s why meditation is only good for understanding oneself better. or understanding the nature of emptyness or being a guru or a teacher or a philosopher or a buddhist monk or nun. i already knew that actually. but it‘s no life purpose - except one wants to be outside of the world and separated from society. but there is a way of synthesis. and it already is available. we just have to get our hands dirty. the vision is already there i just have to do it - it‘s about design and art and people

today i realized how difficult it is to touch someone’s heart if the other person doesn’t want to hear what is said. and doesn’t open their own heart. i wanted to consolidate with a person in my life. we started to do a non debating challenge in the forum. that’s where the mindset came from. i realized if there is still some parts inside the heart that are not blossoming - they will just hurt us, even though we talk with an open heart. i think that’s why it is so important to choose kind words if we reply to someone who openes up their heart.

i totally forgot to give an explanation about a catch 22 i found this article: https://www.google.de/amp/amp.slate.com/articles/life/the_spectator/2011/08/seeing_catch22_twice.html in general a catch-22 is a paradox situation someone is stuck in - for me it was my society, history of my country, family, life itself. but in contrast to the character in the book, in peace and life, i found a god where there might be none and found meaning where there is supposed to be none. well and there is the paradox of existence itself. so now i saw it 4 times. ? it’s a never ending story. and it wants to be told. even though it might be a mystery or a farce. anyway it has endless possibilities and still is as it is, we should better make a choice, what we want it to be.

i just started to read about hannah ahrendt yesterday. she was not a philosopher and not a politician but a teacher and journalist. think she didn't do fake news ☺️ but if, we would still have to take her as a teacher, a philosopher and a politician. she was clever, she would let everyone decide for themselves. she was a catch 44 herself. if i compare myself to her i think i‘m not that great, i‘m just a designer and artist. but maybe we are all philosophers in a way, some better, some worse. for strong women characters i also like ricarda huch and george sand. ricarda huch for one poem and george sand for a movie that was made of her biography. i never managed to read her books but i liked, she was wearing mans clothes during a time when that was unthinkable. the ricarda huch poem is about pain. not all pains are dissolvable, because some are sneaking deeper and deeper inside of our hearts, where they manifest as stones, spring may come with warmth and light, the world becomes a blossoming field, but in our hearts there is a part that doesn’t bloom anymore. something like that ? it’s a very bad poetic translation. in german it‘s very beautiful. i always liked it while growing up - because that is how life works on us. if we don’t manage to dissolve our pains. they will just stay stuck there forever. that‘s why we have to understand where they come from. a heart that doesn’t bloom or a world that is painful. we can make our hearts bloom by letting it bloom for the real problems of our world. and that‘s something that can be done.

did i tell that i always wanted to be named butterfly ? as a child, i hoped my thoughts might be one that is considered. again how could someone think and produce a strangeloop with that? it's so paradox just the thought of it. but the wish stays in the heart. once we've made it. i think that's why it is important to teach children how to wish for peace and freedom. from all their heart. if not already confronted with a poisonous surrounding, they will understand it intuitively.

i think about the neverending story again how nothingness eats up the ivory tower. it's sad but there will be a new story. and a symbole like the statue of liberty. it has always been there waiting for us to see it. if we manage to understand the ivory tower as something we have built in our phantasy. with our phantasy.

@MarkusSweden just tried to figure out why germany is post war traumatized, certainly that can be interpreted in different ways. but i'm talking about the generations after the 3.reich - that generation has already died. i'm talking about their children and grandchildren. germany as a country has faced a massive ego death - and tried to coap with that (it doesn't go for everyone though, some just hid it underneath their brown sofa - it comes out blue again, recently more than before) then the wall was also difficult. and well still the problems with hurt egos. but we still talk about it in society it's an example that always matches as comparisons to reveal hidden problems, sometimes just to shut someone up who babbles political nonsense. we learn about it in school so often it starts to be annoying if you have to chew it for the fifth time, you think you have heard it all and understood it all at one point. always selfinquiering because it's related to us. some more some less. also the wall and cold war - all of that made the hippie era more politically loaded than in some other countries. maybe just differently loaded. the post war trauma is the shock of being a descendent of it. but it's still important to not forget what happened. taking responsibility for it. the milgram experiment is kind of a good example to understand it from a psychological view. to understand the authority problem in general. it made me decide to not feel guilty for my country anymore but to keep what happened here as an example. what really helped me to free my mind as well was the identification with for example anne frank. she was a child, i was a child. we were closer to each other than what was happening around us. as children we are thrown in to such situations without our doing, our surrounding can be so poisonous. because i could identify with others stepping in their shoes - i started to be a world citizen. some years ago i even was exited about a design idea of a personal worldcitizen passport. it helps me in my imagination of really being one. i try to be a responsible one. even though that's difficult in reality. http://www.worldservice.org/docpass.html you can apply for one here it's just phantasy, but it's really nice phantasy. (even though the world seems to swing in the other direction, maybe there is a way to synthesize it) thats one of the positive aspects the eu has done in reality for us - a lot of people who only see the negative aspects forget how much freedom we gained with the eu. it's a chance to identify with each other. maybe a free universe citizenship passport would be the next level of imagination.

if we manage to connect both and think in collage we are able to cope with almost any situation we are confronted with. self actualization is a basic and very important foundation for it. life purpose, too. but we are living in society it's almost impossible to step out of it while being part of it. we can only take part by taking part in it. learning from each other, learning from our own faults. constantly adapting adapting, growing growing into what we want to be, achieving what we want the world to manifest into. like davinci's vitruvian man, like the body models of the ancient cultures. like they wanted to build healthy homes, making the world into a healthy home. maybe we all have to face nothingness for that. if it eats us up internally and externally, we all have the choice to organize ourself. finding the best way possible to coap with it. being selfresponsible. like children learning to walk, falling down, standing up again. learning to walk by starting to walk. some still need a helping hand, others are grown up enough to walk on their own. as i myself always try to stay a child in my heart, i'll always try to find help in the encouraging eyes of someone around me. i now just don't need to trust in all their words anymore. and i try to laugh about it when they look mischievous uppon me. the moment i know i can hold the world up - and i'll trust in myself, i can walk without looking for others. because then i will have stopped walking and start standing and holding. on my shoulders the generations that come after me. individually that means if the burden gets to high, we have to let go sometimes and look for what we are holding up. if we are holding up nothingness we might have to start walking again. or we look where there is something worth holding up, someone standing alone and start helping. we can hold up a shield, too. we can hold up knowledge and truth, and whole systems and business. but our legs and arms have to be strong enough, usually we need others to hold with us. and sometimes we are the only ones standing left who know the path, looking around seeing everyone just holding nothing. then we have to start doing something. there is no one there to tell us what to do, only our hearts and our heads and our body in the reflection of life. when we start doing though, we have to connect the dots, building new streams in our head. interact communicate with the world finding out what's worth living for. until we act uppon our thoughts and consciousness and hearts with the whole body, it's all just beautiful phantasy.

@John Iverson no i copied it and fotographed it with a pattern i drew ? collage thinking (it's not technically good, because it's quiet intuitive and the pattern was just for training, but it transports what it should)

these days i'm thinking of the bauhaus a lot - and what they wanted to achieve. an imagineary cathedral, for everyone to be walked through. they didn't make it then. but the cathedral is still there and we all take part in building it. the way we are building it just has changed and it's more of a temple, or just a building to live in healthy.