now is forever

i guess that’s what is shadow work. but i won’t watch videos about it - what for? to put that stuff inside my soul? it’s already enough to realize where that happens in every day life as a part of society. to know the places where that happens and to know how we are not really able to do anything about it as long as that is a worldwide network of trade. but we can understand where we got our worldview from - some parts from parents, some parts from our friends parents and some from that network - that’s basically what’s making up our preferences in sexuality and in how we treat others in everyday life, espessially if the other person is from another gender. this is not about making our parents guilty - because they also only got that somewhere. it is about feminism and why it’s pretty. and why it appears to be sometimes radical. but in reality really? is it radical and is it against men? yes and no - it’s certainly against a group of men. the question is what it stands for and that is not only made for women.

so what is source of feminism and where does it come from? it’s a good question to start with - but not what i wanted to talk about here again. too sad too big too long of a history and so many voices who already speak about it. the maddest source is present day slavery, women abduction and trade, prostitution, rape, massrape etc. yes that’s a fact - so why bother with talking about the finetune feminism of women in business or women in education or women at home? even understanding our mothers. why bother understanding women’s sometimes unhealthy choices in male partners? because we can’t change society? who is society? where starts society?

one of my favourite songs to get over melancholy, a very melancholic one.

the paradox about that way of thinking is, it already makes me a feminist for most of society. and it makes me an idealist in sense of materialism.

talking about emancipation, nowerdays emancipation is not anymore something only for women, men can also emancipate. we all emancipate from our conditioning and we sit in the same boat rowing into the same direction - we are not exactly equal in our ways, but that’s ok why should we, would be too boring. if we manage to emancipate from the past and from the past ways. then no woman supports only a man and no man supports only a woman we support each other and support the family. the family is limitless. and we can still live in our small families. so feminism today is not only fighting for their own goods - feminism never was fighting only for women, always also fighting for emancipation of humanity. as long as there are inequalities there will be some sort of emancipation. even in a couple - but that’s ok if we learn from each other, no student no teacher, both are both. and the source for personal growth. if men are able to see that that’s already a big step forward in their personal development. by the way a lot of women also still have to see that. and both have to remember each other from time to time. it’s a matter of team building and finding consensus/synthesis. consensus is something i learned from a male teacher - the best i had in utopia studies. synthesis is something we can learn from consensus is something we can act uppon. maybe it is synthesis what we are really going for - but that’s the most difficult part in group dynamic. before that is possible or the way that is possible, we need to synthesize ourself.

woke up with a thought: materializing, paterializing. what does that even mean in a world that is made of energy? mind over matter - and what do we do? mind over mater. that’s how deep words may run a thought. maternalizing patternalizing etc. it’s also interesting in french for example fraternite, maternite, egalite - non? no wonder. i played that game in my teens and forgot it. matter is energy and energy is matter. you could say there is only matter or only energy it doesn’t matter because it is the same. but what really counts is the matter. and there is no way to solve that riddle, that equation without women. hope the world stops materializing women some day. who men? no women, hahaha.

wow there are coming a lot of emotions along with the intention. when i first stopped smoking for two years now - it was because of an intention and for health reasons. i never stopped smoking just because i wanted to stop it. somehow there are so many feelings of suppressed emotions arising - and they produce conflicts in my social/material world - and they also are coming from it. it’s not that i didn’t try to solve them but how can we solve them if our surrounding is not cooperative. it’s like i was running around with explosives all the time - suppressing them. this small addiction is a huge beast i yet have to tame. in the end all addictions are a little like that. i suppose. but there are healthy addictions, too. like the addiction to a beautiful sunset. just if we charter a plane to see a lot of them in one flight, that might not be healthy anymore. i think i’m an emotional addict - i love positive emotions and really don’t like to suppress them. but i also like their fine nuances. and i really can’t coap with limits because they produce negative emotions. and that definitely is what others call maya and where personal maya is meeting the maya of the many and the maya of the matter.

talking about playfulness: how you can use ahimsa for your everyday life. even before you can embody it completely. bring the hand down that’s slapping you or that’s slapping others. your own hand. just write or draw the essence of your reminder inside the palm of your hand. you really need the intention to achieve that. it is something you will do for yourselfs health. something you do by not doing. i wrote today: stop smoking but it could also be: relax, be friendly, smile more, open up to others, reduce social media, or start doing yoga or meditation, or going out, see your egoic actions, forgive, find whatever you feel you need to do to get more or less of - in contrast to the things you realize making you sick inside, trying to transcend them day by day. you really need to search inside yourself for your small sufferings first, it’s only working with intrinsical healing intention. and of course not done by just sitting around, it’s some kind of doing not doing meditation that also works in everydays life. only look at it when your body or mind starts to do the thing you really want to stop doing again. i’m not sure about it but might be better to not use negative formulation like “don’t” or “not” it might be better to use “stop” instead. positive effect comes with positive formulation positive + positive = positive this relates to the outcome in your psyche - the effect of slow healing. you might even meditate about how this works, by thinking of it as a reminder system. how it’s going to work and why it’s going to work. and why in some situations it doesn’t yet. for myself it’s stop smoking next step is start breathing.

whaaaaa it is so difficult keeping all these new theories about spiral dynamics and enlightenment, models in the mind to develop and simultaneously working on oneself and trying to work for the own business ideas. without loosing anything - i’m not sure what stage i’m in, but i’m certainly not a real juggler yet. still have to play around a little more until i can stay on any stage if ever, hahaha.

about time, how it is just now and still stays in our hearts and in reality as an impression.

if we learn from nature directly taking nature as a teacher, we can also teach nature to grow differently. that goes for our own nature and in sense of construction. like a plant we can let it grow differently - we can trim it or we can let it grow wild - or we can grow it into something healthy and still supportive. it’s all a matter of knowledge - knowledge we got through communication, through watching through touching through actions and interaction. best teachers i ever had teached me that. and there where a lot of them including my own hands. interacting with material. my ears are certainly not the best teachers so i’m also not a very good student with my ears - they only take what they want to hear. so sometimes we learn by output better than by input - because while talking we realize what is already in there. so output can be the opposite of what is inside of us sometimes or the same. a diary therefore is something very good to understand oneselfs world construction. but if i do it openly i don’t want to put out too much of my everyday life with that - because that is sooooo private and privacy is the last thing left in this world of public viewing. i already give up my ideology and ideas to myself and everyone who wants to read it. isn’t that counterintuitive already - but that’s our world of information we have constructed. the whole world is talking to us all the time. so much we sometimes can’t listen to everything that is said.

the controversy problem of an unlearning teacher, without referring to me, but to what i know about my unlearning teachers. is communication. best way is not talking - and showing instead like a mother or a father... but you always have to talk in some way if it’s not about doing something - how to do something you can always show that. but what about all the steps that lead a teacher to a teachers goal? and where exactly is the turning point between a teacher and a student - where does the student turn to the teacher and the teacher to the student? it is in communication. where does communication stop? nowhere it is eternal - and holds everything inside this universe. so there is no teacher and no student, if both try to communicate.

this morning i just thought, how amazing, there really is not only mind work and manual work but really also emotional work. i mean not only the thinking process but also emotion process. not only in design or art. we can find that in every days life. and it’s underrated and unpaid very often. what a shame

let’s not forget the patterns that brought us here let’s not forget us the people who brought us here let’s appreciate the work behind everything.

without referring to the last post. if women stumble upon this diary, i want to remind you, that most religious teachings are based on male society and male interpretation. i will not take a lot of male teachers to balance that - i’ll find myself women teachers and try to see a lot of symbols as nondual. in budhism you can find a lot of woman figures, too. maybe there will be many more in the future and they might equal out some day. we can identify with them or find out about our nature while understanding them also from a male perspective. maybe then, we can understand our true power. and sometimes be the sun instead of the moon. or the moon instead of the sun. it’s interesting how the symbol manifests in different languages being either feminine or masculine. if men want to stay empty - maybe we have to reveal our true nature as the reflected spot in the night. if men only want to see the male teachers, it’s their problem. i hope men feel triggered by that, and break that circle by being attentive to women teachers as well. it’s often so underrepresented.

@Ayilton thank you. i appreciate you appreciate that. thank you for reading, it feels less lonely.

men often challenge hierarchically while women often challenge selfesteem. there is a lot to learn from each other and from living in a pack and from a pack living in a herd.

think i understood the comparison between islamic woman capitalization and pua, in sense of one guy has all the girls while i will go empty - why guys are so needy. guys really think sex is the answer to all their suffering. that might be...in short term body sense. but having a lot of girls doesn‘t make them solve their problems - the big problems still stay there because it‘s just a form of capitalizing someone to release one manifestation of suffering. but if guys work on their problems in reality and on their inner representation of reality, through their hands and change society, bringing themselves into balance with humanity and nature and find spirituality, they also find an end to their suffering. while doing that, they relax, being part of a group and relief of sexual suffering just comes along, in one or the other way. having an equally balanced society with gender equality- if really lived and not just in theory. where women are protected against capitalization, makes a society grow over it‘s head. would be a society that is truely happy an evolved one. but in reality we are still far from it. men emancipation is the key. but it‘s a different emancipation than women emancipation. some have to rise their selfesteem and a lot really need to crack their ego - but all need to understand women nature and accept their work in society, giving them freedom and support being able to recive their support and their way of thinking. women brains are also pretty and i mean that visually how women brains look like, there has to be a reason why it is like that. maybe one day there will be equally many guys and girls reciving the juggler award. (i think there will be mysteriously a woman on their side to support them)

the big problem of communities, and that means starting by two, in every layer of society, are not only the ego that’s only interested in itself but also the ego that tries to think of all part takers in it’s community. sometimes we decide for the community and get against the individual that rises over the head of the community - that’s always a problem, especially when people do a one man show. it’s especially bad if we suppress someone with skills just because we don’t like everything else about them. but it’s also sad if we are not able to take their small problems because of misinterpretation. it’s certainly because of our own identification. i realized that because i try to understand these structures at the moment - and by trying to understand them, i take their point of view, problem is the tolerance about whiners then. what has the effect that i just block them off sometimes because i’m getting intolerant to their needs. question always is: which community comes first in our personal perception of importance. that’s maybe one of the starting points of all group dynamics and of group pressure, mobbing, war and all culture clash. that’s why no community should be more important than another one. but in reality how do we make that work? there is almost no situation without some small frictions. either we avoid or we give in or we let it clash or we find kompromises or we find consensus. or we power through. very difficult.

a week ago or so i bought this nice book because i like the contrast of it - i also noticed a little bit more the male child caring society - politics made that more available in germany. i think it’s a good example of how guys transcended their pains - and find a new beginning. they truely are circle breakers. i only chose the most contrasting father child photographs. because they represent the most drastic visual transformations for me. because these fathers carry their pains on the skin and not on their arms. the book is from poland. the fathers are all creatives.

@Viking if you don’t have a problem with manipulation - well flirting is also manipulative. trying to just hang out with girls can make a difference for the self esteem part. instead of just going out for reason of pic up - makes you more and more easy about just having girls around. are there no group activities for other reasons? a lot of guys talk about yoga here - but there are many more options to meet with both genders and have some quality time together. the thing is group activities, sports urban gardening or coworking for fun, take the focus off the dating and more on the, we are in this together focus. it’s just another balance - going from solitude to group back and forth, makes you more relaxed. activities are good for that.

@CreamCat yes you are right - i represent more the female side, naturally, don’t want to offend. i know there are a lot of good guys out there - and i know what you are talking about. there where some incidents where couples where involved together, too. but male most of the time don’t get raped. i am talking about sexual capital while life is another thing. what i just wanted to do is breaking it down to the point where it would be good to separate spirituality and law and money - in the sense of politics. partly we can do that in our private life but it will always be either a cave or a cage for someone. and in the end we totally forgot about the neutrals - the children are also encaged in that, they should be the ones protected mostly. by law and money and spirituality. and sometimes from it. so they can be healthy yins and healthy yangs or oneness.

very good questions - something to unwire there. women are supposed to not think about themselves as sex objects - the supposed is the problem sometimes, in a western society we live in this bubble of autonomie, where we sometimes forget how women are treated outside, or even in other parts of society. woman trafficking is just one part of it, and in some areas on the world women can‘t go on the streets alone without fear. and with new tools like tinder even young girls participate in it, without even realizing it. if we try to ignore that we are naive if we try to talk about it we are manlike emancipated. this contradiction still plays a role in modern societies. because it happens every day, as long as women sexuality really is a capital. even marriage was something like that and in some countries still is. it is money support and law protection, and ideology protection. that‘s why law and money should be separated - also in sense of the family. we can even go further and separate spirituality and law and money. in the end we need to protect the idea of love and family somehow - if it is a love of caring. and we have to protect the caring part especially. if it is a male or a female or both or a community. that would be the synthesis. so to go back to the political discussion - of the first video, maybe it’s getting more understandable now. while one is talking about liberal free sex, the other is talking about protection of those who have to be protected. if it would help to see men as an object - well sometimes we treat men as objects too. we only buy what we like and only wear what we like - of course we go for luxourious ones. means we go for the ones we like.