now is forever

actually i wanted to stop this here for some time - there is a lot going on in reality for me during the next months. i’ll move, deeper into the chaos and life purpose is calling. so i really need to focus. it‘s just that it was difficult to stop, because my mind wouldn‘t let me. so i tried to bring the heart to some kind of rest we are always stronger together, but dreams have a self agenda too. unfortunately we have just two hands, i always wanted to have a third one... maybe one day. but we‘ll work in parallel‘s on the social sculpture. if beuys or the bauhaus, it doesn‘t matter.

@Zweistein what do you think i‘m talking about? my heart always wanted to be one. in sense of size relative to the sun i might be just a neutrino

the song of the butterfly

...

berlin calling

i‘m thankful for this empty space here, where i could squeeze a part of myself in - i would never have told it to just myself. the feeling of talking to this space or to everyone who wants to read gave me the opportunity. i would never have written here if i hadn’t had an existential crisis and an autoimmune disease. i also wouldn’t have written without having a near death experience in my youth experiencing nothingness shortly after - without shaving my hair at the age of 15. i wouldn’t have written if i hadn’t had all this symbols and pictures appearing all the time during writing and not without the mini experiments with challenging chaos i had in the chaotic parts of berlin. i even have a small dimple on my forehead, where i ran into a tube at the age of 5 hahaha, so many coincidences. wouldn’t have written if there wasn’t something greater than me. i now feel part of. thank you for that, all of you, blanc papers

and some problems solve themselves

sometimes options in sense of actions are no real options - we just create them as possibilities. as long as we don‘t make them happen it would be easier to forget these dreams. i just realized i‘m a control freak of possibilities i can‘t let go of the what if’s, more in direction of the future than of the past. but the past is always some kind of reference, a reminder. we tend to keep beeing stuck longer than others if we have to create real possibilities sometimes. think that‘s the fary tale trauma. i mean the one where we get rescued. why is that so important? maybe because there would be no hope if there wasn‘t some kind of meaning in them. romanticism was certainly not just a time phenomenon. it‘s amazing how many fary tale figures i have already impersonated for others, or for myself. when we were young, we had this treasure box full of clothes and also a lot of fabric peaces. we could jump in everyone’s skin - haha - that picture came from somewhere else. - it means theoretically i could be a shape shifter. but all i ever wanted since long ago was just being me. so i was always searching for clothes that would fit me. well children are shapeshifters, aren’t they? they shift from tiny to grown ups. but inside of me there is still this tiny person with all the needs tiny’s have to survive. mh and in the end i even chose to live as a shapeshifter... shifting shapes with my hands. i still solve problems for others - but need others to solve mine as well. second is the most difficult part. not only the should‘s are to be delivered, more than that, the musts, and also the what if‘s for the past - but the what if‘s for the now are something to deliver to the hopeless.

♥️ i know someone who has a hundred or more stones - she says all stones are her stones and could never let go of the past. i‘m glad you only have two. caring for them and letting go of them finding their path and not clinging to all the other stones - sometimes is a challenge. sometimes it’s good to say a clear no to stones if someone wants to give you theirs - it‘s impossible to carry them all - better to sort them out. and because you carried so many, there must be a real power woman inside of you! ? heavy lifter

do you collect stones? just asking, because it reminds me of someone. letting go of stones is a big challenge sometimes. but watching them wandering, you’ve already done that. maybe understanding what stones mean to you and why you have to let them go on with their path, will tell you something about the why. if you don’t try to interprete, just feel what the stones mean to your heart. and then let them go.

nihilism means the absolute no to any meaning - you are cute. 50/50 is difficult. when you are spiritual. creating is no nihilistic act because it‘s mostly a yes. you are stopping to think then because it’s some kind of body expression that works without words, more in pictures and through the body process. you stop thinking because you balance your body and mind, like in a meditation, or in sports. nihilism is more a philosophical, sometimes political worldview. maybe you have to decide between yes and no to meaning. that‘s why you are asking the question about the why. you could ask yourself, does life have meaning and why does it have meaning - nihilism would trigger you leaving the no. but it can overshoot, and destabilize you. you can work on the meaning part though without that. or you could take some time off your family and let yourself fall into the absolute chaos and reorganize everything. it‘s a choice.

@Zweistein you are already a player, with two children! the only thing he asks is why the why? as i interpreted it. maybe it’s easier to ask yourself the question: do we exist, are we living. the why will always be just experience or believe, never a certainty. maybe he wants to trigger you thinking about the how more than about what already is there. in the end you already have many responsibilities you already take on your shoulders. it‘s a matter of not getting on your knees under the pressure. but still spotting your weaknesses and your strengths, also finding new strengths. counterreacting to nihilism is not so wise in your situation, even though it might bring the most effect, but it‘s something you would need some time off. so play the game if you are interested but ask yourself these questions more slowly.

content takes usually less space than context. context takes time and work and space and is always in need of a direction, and mostly it always needs a vision for it‘s appearance. sticking to the content - is the hardest in context, without loosing too much. there are a thousand different chairs a thousand different cups they all differ in form and still they have the context of their content usually all in the context of how they are made, what they are made of, who made them and how they are placed and where they are placed etc. recontextualisation is the most difficult thing in the world. but it’s possible. you can’t avoid some kind of shape though.

i like how you are an archeologist of nature - how you retrace the stones and find stories for them. no one would have thought of them if not you. i like that. it showes how wonderful you also are with people and how sensitive you are to your loved ones too. if you can love stones, your heart must be a very soft and sensitive one. you seem to belong to the swan family, too. one of the lonely „ugly“ ducklings. that’s why you like the seekers, they are kindred spirits. it’s quiet hard to find them in reality and also hard to loose them again because life leads them to different paths. would be nice if you have a grown up female swan in reality to share your everyday life. maybe one with little ducklings, too. your shadow - for me it’s a beautiful one, specially because it’s self expressed. but a beautiful shadow can sometimes also be heavy to carry. so be careful by unwiering it, do it slowly. and be careful to not let your kids heal your wounds regularly - it‘s part of mother child relationship and can make them strong in their heart, to know they have this ability. but they might think it’s their job to figure out a problem if it happens regularly. (that was very personal, but just meant for reflection). by the way doing this work now is the best gift you can give them for life - so it might make you strong to know that.

there is nothing to be said anymore and nothing to be thought anymore and no one to listen anymore. everything was said everything was thought already by someone before. if there is nothing to be said anymore and nothing to be thought anymore the only thing left to do is to rethink or remain silent with all consequences. that’s the artistic dilemma of our time. “we actually made a map of the country, on the scale of a mile to the mile!“ „have you used it much?“ i enquired. “it has never been spread out, yet“ said mein herr: „the farmers objected: they said it would cover the whole country, and shut out the sunlight! So we now use the country itself, as it’s own map, and i assure you it does nearly as well.“ Lewis Carrol the beautiful thing is we can discover it for ourselves if we just start walking. i‘m walking head over heals though, on my hands, feet in the clouds. does that make me carry the world? maybe

what is art? and why does it produce systems - why is art a reference for systems. does the intention make the art? often, sometimes. but art is a reference for it‘s time and a reference for things going on in our mind and in our heart and in our body. art is the language of maya - where there is no free art and no true expressionistic art, there is no freedom. where there is culture, there is art. joseph beuys explained that the best. even though we learn it from expressionism and impressionism and deconstructivism etc. art is not there to be criticized, it is there to express itself. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2329518/Art-student-destroys-painting-class-bad-review.html you can only add to the truth by taking from it. or something like that.

wow, now i see dragon everywhere. even in the sky. the moon is out and almost full and there are clouds like dragons scales in the sky - situation was magical some minutes ago. thought i was over that stage - glad maya is still there.

started doing some kundalini yoga - also some dragon yoga - there is yin style and yang style. don‘t know what i should choose... so i do them both. i try to figure out if the symbol they use for naming it has something to do with what i try to focus on. i didn‘t go for such trivial things before... i‘ll see. originally i didn’t go for spiritual effects - well a little bit but i‘m a scepticist. there has to be some kind of trace to go on a track.

@Emerald sounds fitting. thank you! think the dragon can be also masculine though and part of the heroes inner journey, too. or just fear of the unknown - or even the luck or selfesteem. in the heroes journey it sits between both. so maybe it is just what has to be singled out. to name it and understand it - might also depend on how abstract the grail is, what kind of goal it represents for the searcher. it‘s a nice picture, to reflect on. also interesting how asian dragon mythology is different from western mythology. but asian cultures have not seen nature as something to fight against initially, that’s more a western habit. if you look for pictures of asian dragons you may often find two dragons fighting against each other, or circulating around a center point. it‘s also sometimes a phoenix and a dragon. so symbolically they are one step deeper. but also less easy to grasp. they are more like the yin and yang principle, but show how they are initially both present in one and the same person but with some attributes.

the dragon defines the hero/heroine but the hero/heroine can define the dragon, too.

@Robert nice! good luck - it’s certainly not easy.

don’t think so and yes, partly. depends on the point of view and how i represent what. my dragon is not automatically everyone else’s dragon but it can be. for me it certainly is part of me. but it’s also part of universal consciousness. the dragon defines the hero and the hero can define the dragon.

i wonder about the heroines journey - think that we have to research in way older mythology than most of the stories available now. maybe that’s why i love momo and pipi longstockings. i just watched the heroes journey - with the actual different filter glases i got myself through the transcendence of realizing again what it means to be a woman in this world. i thought wait a minute - the woman behind the dragon? i like the game of thrones version better - riding a dragon would be the modern version. waiting for what hero to come? and if he doesn’t? so riding the dragon might be much more fun. actually in that sense, it’s quiet serious i don’t know if it’s so good if the hero slays the dragon - in the never ending story he is a dragon rider, too. maybe he goes out to kill a dragon but instead he just tames the dragon? the question is what’s the dragon.

i wonder about the heroins journey - think that we have to research in way older mythology than most of the stories available now. maybe that’s why i love momo and pipi longstockings. i just watched the heroes journey - with the actual different filter glases i got myself through the transcendence of realizing again what it means to be a woman in this world. i thought wait a minute - the woman behind the dragon? i like the game of thrones version better - riding a dragon would be the modern version. waiting for what hero to come? and if he doesn’t? so riding the dragon might be much more fun. actually in that sense, it’s quiet serious i don’t know if it’s so good if the hero slays the dragon - in the never ending story he is a dragon rider, too. maybe he goes out to kill a dragon but instead he just tames the dragon. would be interesting to get some comments on that...

all in all, for me it’s definitely the time to find the godess in myself again. even if there is just energy. it’s certainly different in men and women - and we women have a lot to offer, too.