kev014

Very hard when you first awaken to the realities of the world and the suffering you see in others. Its normal and natural to have this response, to feel angry, to feel sadness, disappointment, a whole range of emotions. With time as you come to accept more and more that this is just a fundamental aspect of life, it'll lose its emotional power over you. As you yourself continue to suffer and learn and grow, you'll begin to see first hand how suffering is actually the catalyst for transformation and awakening. This thing that used to be so scary and dark and bad becomes a potent tool for transforming your entire life. After this direct experience, it becomes much easier to see others suffer. For the most part, those who do not suffer, who face no resistance, have little room for growth.

@Leo Gura If the ego does bounce back and does not fully die, can/will it be reconstructed again so that someone has to go through the same process over again? My question is basically if you are progressively surrendering your ego, your emotions and the idea that you ever existed more and more but do not fully surrender/die, will you have to 'start over' in this die off process or is it just the final surrender you have to endure?

Eating meat will make you feel more grounded as your body requires more energy to digest this then fruits and veggies. If you don't want to eat meat, consider eating root vegetables like sweet potatoes, beets and yams. Heavier and denser and will help with grounding your energy.

@c_wave_arts What are your goals? If your goals are to improve with women, the whole pickup world can help to a certain extent. Just avoid the ego/mental masturbation/high school boy bullshit associated with it all ('I've gotten with __number of girls that are so hot.') Seek to understand the underlying social dynamics between men and women and how to relate with them in a healthy way. Would highly suggest reading 'the rationale male' as it goes in to great explanation of how the dating world works from a broad perspective, the different types of men women are looking for throughout different times of their lives, and the differences between how men and women approach dating. Highly informative and beneficial. Main takeaway from this book for me was high quality women want a high quality man. If I want a woman who is a 10/10 in all aspects of life, I myself need to be that as well. This is where Leo and other self help content and strategies comes in to play; focusing on your own development emotionally, physically and spiritually. Once again, if your goal is to increase your understanding of women such that you can better relate with them, consider focusing on ideas of masculinity vs femininity and the different ways these energies interact with the world and each other. Books like 'way of the superior man' as well as 'men are from mars, women are from venus' do an excellent job furthering this understanding. All the PUA tactic bullshit is a waste. If you spend your time becoming a great fucking guy, all you have to do is look a girl in the eyes and have a conversation and she'll know you're a great fucking guy. You don't have to try at all, you are just who you are.

@LeoBacca Adding new habits takes time to reach a sort of homeostasis, especially meditation/spiritual practices. Trying to add too much at once will risk ego backlash. Consider what your goals are and how you would prioritize these goals. Building up progressively to a disciplined, daily set of habits and rituals takes time, this has been the biggest struggle for me personally along this journey. Better to meditate 20 mins a day everyday for 3 months straight then 2 hours a day for three days...

As you probably already intuitively know, this is just emotional stuff from the past that you may not have been conscious/sensitive enough at the time to be aware of. Now that you are more aware as you've been developing yourself, this is being thrust to the forefront of your mind. Healthy and normal process, I've been going through the same thing the last few months.

@Elysian If you are telepathic as you have suggested and are trying your best to help people heal, then why have you not responded to my direct message explicitly asking you about healing? As has been suggested by someone else, it really feels like you are preaching your high vibration as a gift and service to all. These appear to be in conflict.

This will definitely help if you go out and actually talk to girls/people, otherwise it can just become another excuse for not going out. I'd definitely practice visualization if I were you. I'd focus your visualization more on yourself then anyone else or any type of interaction. Visualize yourself exactly as you'd prefer to be. How do you feel? Are you confident and expressive? If so where do you feel this in your body? What is your posture? How does your voice sound? Are you happy, proud and fulfilled with the life you are living? Talking to girls becomes infinitely easier when all the other avenues of your life are full and abundant. Another potential strategy is to get a job that promotes socialization (sales, waiter/server, recruiter, etc.) I did this and it deepened my social understanding and comfortability rapidly, would highly recommend.

Why does this cause so much suffering? Awakening to the illusions you've been living in is extremely painful, is this just because you are mourning an aspect of yourself that is dying or because you realize how wrong you were all along? The more you awaken from illusions, are you likely to experience a greater degree of suffering? Is this suffering inevitable? Also sorry for the million and one questions but when you realize this, how do you relay this information to other people without triggering them? 'Hey by the way Dad, the stock market that you are freaking out, ha it's actually totally pointless.' Obviously much friendlier language but whenever I approach my father trying to show him how he lets things bother him excessively, he gets even more pissed and justifies his emotional response; 'Of course I'm stressed out and angry, how could I not be given all this?' I'm struggling to appropriately communicate my insights in simple terms that the average person can really grasp.

Meaninglessness can be seen from multiple perspectives; it can be liberating and absolutely freeing beyond belief, or it can be depressing as fuck and make you want to kill yourself. Interesting how different of a reaction one can have, no? I personally have experienced both of these. Unbelievable joy, simplicity and ease as my default state after remembering the meaninglessness of existence. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I've dealt heavily with depression the past few months about this inherent meaninglessness in our existence. What caused the change in these experiences? Ego, ego, ego. The ego is a sneaky little cu** that will use whatever it can to hold on. The ego cannot make sense of meaninglessness and this is a huge blow to it. If it can trick you (as it has for me) in to identifying with it and the negative emotions, it remains the tyrant over your true, silent consciousness. Acceptance/surrender is the antithesis of the ego. All about making an identity out of something whether its good or bad. The ego will constantly try to corrupt the beauty of existence for its own self surviving agenda. Once you can become fully okay with meaninglessness, depression, the evil shit you're now conscious of within Orange and below, it's all good. It's all a part of reality that must be there.

Dan, you've gotten plenty of great advice/insights here especially from @Nahm but I'll share my experience as I had my kundalini awakening last January and can empathize with how brutal it can be. All we've got is our own experiences so I'll do my best here to relate my journey to what I'd anticipate your experiencing as well. The Kundalini moving through you now has a mind of its own and honestly is largely out of your control. This can be freaky when it moves through you in such powerful waves as you've described. At times it can feel highly destructive in terms of your internal world, emotional state, physical body and overall world views. For me, the last year has been a process of breaking down in all areas of my life and shedding the old like a snake does with its skin. I won't go in to the details of this too much as it can be pretty gnarly but this process of 'death and rebirth' is one that can be seen across various cultures and religions (Jesus dying and becoming resurrected, Jonah entering the belly of the whale, the hero's journey, etc.) We like to think of growth as this positive, easy experience (at least I did when I was younger) but the more acceptance/love you can bring to the challenges and suffering you face, the easier they are internally to handle. Growth and transcendence means that something must 'die off' and be transcended; this is what's painful about this process, the letting go of false beliefs, illusions, emotions, and stuck energy in the body. It seems negative or scary, but like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly, there is tremendous beauty on the other side. This perspective is not widely common in our society but it has been incredibly helpful for me throughout this process in terms of reconciling and appreciating the value of suffering. This would not be happening to you if you weren't ready for it and didn't want it at a deep level; this is beyond the conscious mind (which honestly has no idea what the fuck is happening thus causing suffering) but more so at an intuitive soul level. This is a blessing in disguise with the potential to transform literally every aspect of your life from your relationships, physical body, diet, emotional state, general/social/political worldviews, to your metaphysical understanding. Imagine you just bought a new house without looking at it much and your next door neighbor comes over and tells you about the broken plumbing, the mold in the basement, the incredibly loud air conditioning at night and the rat problem. Now you obviously aren't going to be stoked about this, but you're going to be extremely grateful for your neighbor bringing all these issues to your awareness. They were there before, you just didn't know it and now you do and now you can take corrective action to better the situation. This is the hidden blessing of Kundalini. Much love and blessings on this journey.

Difficult situation you are in here, bud. How old are you? I'm assuming you aren't in a position financially where you could live on your own right now. If I were you I'd place this as priority number 1. You really don't need much money for rent, food and transportation if you are frugal. Could live on 2-3K/month fairly easily if you are responsible. Getting any basic job in a restaurant, construction, or retail should enable you to do this and get some grounding/sense of control over your life situation. You'll also have the physical, emotional and psychological space from your mom's negativity. If you want to keep her in your life, you can totally do that, but by taking action to move out on your own and create some very obvious boundaries (i.e. this is my space where I am in total control and you are a guest) you'll feel far more stable. Difficult decision to make but the increased autonomy will be huge for you as an individuating being transitioning from boyhood into manhood.

You haven't spoken much about the Dark Night of the Soul, any plans for the future on a video? I myself (as probably most everyone on this forum making serious growth) have gone through this. Most helpful thing would be how to navigate this time, ideally not get depressed with 'the lack of meaning' in life, and to transcend the depression if it does arise.

I've had this same experience as you, as have thousands of men before us. It's the difficult process of becoming a man, which most men don't ever actually undertake in a healthy, introspective way. Not trying to lecture or rant here, so apologies in advance if it comes off that way. A lot of this is me attempting to understand this exact same process as it's been going on in my life very heavily within the last year (I'm 22). 'I'm a big man now huh, look at how strong and smart I am with my job and my hot girlfriend? I'm the King!' All this bravado about our own strength and yet there's this underlying current that is growing stronger in the mind that this is largely a facade created by our ego to cover up deeper levels of our psyche, deeper levels of pain that we don't want to acknowledge. This doesn't mean we don't recognize our own strengths and power, but it comes from a much more humble, grounded place after we are able to acknowledge our own 'weakness.' The example I use in grounded confidence is someone like Bill Gates, you think he gives a shit if people know he has money? No, he doesn't care less because he's so grounded in his status and who he is. I laugh even calling our emotional nature a 'weakness' as if it is some thing that isn't exactly as it should be. We all grow up and inevitably get hurt physically, emotionally or spiritually in some form or fashion, that's just part of the human condition and is normal and natural. Our father beat us physically, our friends talk shit about us and exclude us, etc. etc. The issue is when we deny/repress the pain that we are justifiably feeling (as I did for most of my childhood) and try to act like superman, like we are invincible. What you are probably experiencing now is the hurt/fragility/weakness that you felt at a much earlier age in life when some bad shit happened. So trying to 'kill the weak boy' is only going to make the problem significantly worse. That's trying to further deny and disown the pain that you are feeling as if it is a bad thing. True transformation comes from acknowledging to yourself that you've been hurt and giving yourself whatever it is you need to heal your wounds. If that means crying and becoming depressed as fuck for a month, so be it. This will be very difficult for most men as we are not taught self love or sensitivity but rather to be stoic, hard and emotionless. Most of my childhood I wanted to be a Navy SEAL, I wanted the hardest thing fucking possible because I was invincible and nothing could stop me blah blah blah. Little did I know that was the 'weak little boy' inside of me in the shadows of my mind controlling me. I needed so badly to prove to myself that I was strong and not weak. Self love doesn't mean becoming a little bitch, quite the contrary actually. Being a little bitch is pretending that you are invincible to any pain, suppressing it deep within your being, and forcing the world to acknowledge how much of a king you are. Once you understand this dynamic you'll understand why so many famous people are so arrogant and self centered; it stems from a deeper insecurity that has not been worked through and will never get fixed no matter how much money, power, or girls one has. Floyd 'money' mayweather? Ha, such a joke... Everyone look, you guys! I'm special, I have money! This is why there are so many young 20 something year olds that act like douche bags flexing on everyone else. You said you want the king to show up? What is a king, what does that truly mean? Someone who dominates everyone else and acts like a tyrant.... or someone who is so fucking strong and grounded in himself that he can literally support thousands of others. You tell me what takes more strength. A king must have both the brute power, aggression and strength (that most young men chase and emulate) to defend his kingdom and set up boundaries from outside attack. On the other end of the spectrum, a king must have the softness, vulnerability, compassion, and sensitivity to take care of those within his kingdom. There is so much strength in this tenderness in a man, this is what our world is largely missing; real kings that have the psychological grounding to truly care for and heal others. A true king is so grounded in his strength/masculinity that he is comfortable in his passivity, softness and femininity. A male lion sits on the throne of the animal kingdom while his wife goes and hunts, you think he gives a fuck? When one is able to admit to themselves all the things they are ashamed of and that they hate about themselves, a massive burden is lifted. There is no more running away from weakness or 'being a little bitch.' There is an increased feeling of accepting oneself imperfections and all, a natural raising of self esteem (regardless of what your external results are) and giving way less of a fuck what anyone else thinks. Very counterintuitive and honestly a difficult fucking process. A good metaphor to think about it (as has been tremendously helpful for me) is that you are taking care of a child. If the seven year old version of you suddenly became your current day son, would you tell him to not be a pussy, to not be weak when he gets hurt? No, you'd act like the King that you are and you'd take care of your son. Although this is a metaphor, its also pretty literally what this is all about. Sorry if this was way too fucking long but I know exactly how you feel and a year ago would have never even considered this stuff. I just needed to fuck more chicks and get more jacked... and I did and it just got worse. I would've never thought how much I hated myself as a kid, how deeply hurt I was by my parents, how much I felt like a piece of shit even though I was a star athlete with a hot girlfriend and all that usual BS. Integrating all this is painful as fuck, no denying that. But on the other side of all the gut wrenching emotional work, man it's a different world. You're no longer controlled by the weak/fragile little boy, but rather able to fully embody all that you aspire to be. Hopefully you or anyone else reading this is able to derive some value. Looking forward to your comments.

I'm going through the same thing as you Tony. Awakened my kundalini last January after a traumatic memory resurged from childhood. Since then its been a whole lot of emotional work and dealing with shit from my subconscious flaring up super often; depression, anxiety, fears, etc. I've heard it suggested that this lends to faster evolution towards enlightenment, I have no idea though. All I know is for me whatever emotional issues I was previously unaware of are now plain and clear to see and work through. The thing that has given me personally some comfort is to know that this is a process and at the 'end' you are free of most if not all of the emotional heaviness/suffering that you've been carrying around for years.

What do benzo and etizolam do exactly?

Anyone here tried a variety of different nootropic supplements and have any recommendations? I'm considering Onnit's Alpha Brain or a Bulletproof product. Let me know what you think.

Would you say there are different degrees to this experience of grieving? Seems there is this common notion in spiritual communities of a singular Dark night experience but this doesn't appear to be the case (at least within my personal experiences). Feels like more of a recurring event/process of letting go of the old (or dying to the illusions) and mourning what you've let go. In my journey, I've identified a number of false or limiting beliefs about myself, uncovered their origin and released them. I didn't understand why or how to describe it, but your post pretty much nails it; you're grieving the death of part of your ego/sense of self. In this awakening process, do you need to die to literally everything (your beliefs of yourself, your family, the world, existence, right and wrong, etc.) and mourn/grieve the death of these ideas? Is this grieving process ALWAYS part of transcendence or merely one component of letting go of illusion? I guess your level of attachment to a particular thing will determine how difficult it is to let go of and transcend it, and then how much mourning you need to do once you've realized the falsity of that particular thing.

Adaptogens? Any explanation of what you mean by this?

Well, what emotions are you currently experiencing? What emotions would you like to be experiencing more? What is causing you to feel these particular emotions? Is it the way you are using your body? The perspectives you are holding? The people you are interacting with? The more clear you can become about your desired outcome emotionally, the easier it'll be to get there. Negative emotions are largely stored within the body and the subconscious mind. Using techniques like shamanic/holotropic/Wim Hof breathing/yoga/bioenergetics/trauma release will help alleviate tension within your body and release the 'neurotic holding patterns.' What I mean by these neurotic holding patterns is that a feeling of sadness let's say will be physically held within your chest/heart region as tension and a closing down long after the initial event has passed. This tension is done unconsciously to prevent you from fully experiencing the emotion; this is the physical effect of emotional repression. This closing down is the physical expression of a depressed person, the emotional/energetic states will manifest as body language, facial expressions and tonality. Doing body work will sort of mechanically release this tension and cause the emotion/memory to surface to your mind, thus allowing it to be consciously released and integrated. The key is observing without getting attached ("oh there's anger, that's interesting. I know that's not who I am but simply an experience that will pass shortly.") This work is difficult and if you really embrace it, it'll feel like you're a snake shedding its layers, or at least that's how it has felt for me. I'd highly recommend checking out some of Elliott Hulse's content for more thoughts on this. Hope you get some value from this post!

Just got my hands on 4 tabs at 125 ug each. I've tripped LSD probably 10 times, micro dosed about 20, and had 3.5g's of shrooms maybe 15 times so I'm pretty comfortable at this dose. I've had a handful of partial ego deaths and probably twice experienced God (although I thought God was external speaking to/through me). I freaked out and totally resisted about a year ago when I felt my consciousness expanding into the clouds and surrounding valleys. Had a handful of experiences of feeling I am in a dream and I'm pretty comfortable with this. I'm hoping to really go far beyond the level that I've now gotten comfortable with as I've integrated my previous experiences pretty thoroughly, done the meditation practices and been studying the conceptual framework of non duality. I'm not sure if you can have a full breakthrough into Absolute Infininity and Infinite Intelligence and all that good stuff on LSD. Honestly, I think I'm just afraid as I know the annihilation that's coming that I previously resisted (and created a terrifying experience for myself). I'm contemplating taking 250 ug, any thoughts on if this is enough, too much, or if I should up it? I know I'm just in my head and that I need to fully surrender and face my fear of death, I just want to ease my mind going in to the trip in terms of the proper dosage. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

Over the past few months as I've been doing bioenergetics and holotropic breath work, I've noticed something interested that I have a question about. As I've opened my heart chakra progressively and released anger, regret, resentment and other negative emotions I've created more space for love to flourish. What I've noticed though is that when I am very strongly feeling this love there are lots of tears and 'sadness' that accompany this. These tears and sadness sort of confuse me. Or it may be that when I am allowing myself to cry and let go of sadness, it is creating the necessary space for love to come through. Anyone else experience this or have any thoughts?

Some useful skills to learn regardless of whatever path you choose to pursue are: internet marketing, copywriting, psychology of sales, google ads, Facebook ads, Instagram and other various online platforms. In terms of actually becoming a successful entrepreneur (as I myself am trying to do as well right now) I'd focus largely on what type of person you need to be to achieve whatever your desired outcome. By this I mean do you need to be more disciplined with your time? More organized and logical? Do you need to improve your big picture thinking and pattern recognition? Are you highly creative but lack the organizational behaviors to actually manifest your desires? Some examples of important things to consider.

So everyone is fully conscious of their levels of happiness and fulfillment within their lives? And on some random poll they are going to be fully honest and disclose their true sentiments? People try to hide their feelings and deny them. There is a spectrum of happiness and suffering, the two are not necessarily synonymous. One can be suffering some serious emotional pains but still very content and at ease in the grand scheme of their life. Meanwhile, someone can be super happy about their new car and hot girlfriend but a growing feeling in their core of meaningless and emptiness. Someone earlier explained this, the worst suffering is shutting yourself off from feeling because the pain is too much - this is what is happening largely throughout the world. Our modern society has people moving less and less and spending more time stagnant at work, in their commute, watching television, etc. and their bodies are becoming increasingly rigid and lacking of motility (i.e. energy and ability to feel and express emotions). If you look at the rates of depression, anxiety and suicide rates (and the corresponding BS pharmaceuticals prescribed) around the world it is increasing rapidly. It's like the pain inside gets worse and worse but your body literally does not allow you to experience it by contracting your musculature and inhibiting the flow of energy and emotions.

@Nahm @Serotoninluv @cetus56 This all began in January when I was attending a bioenergetic/dynamic meditation retreat. I'd describe the past 9 months as a continuous process of emotional releases of anger, sadness, and fear primarily followed by a deep intuitive understanding of the origin of these emotions/beliefs. Feels like I've been stripping back layers of my psyche as I go deeper and deeper. At this retreat, I had an unbelievably intense experience of being a baby left alone in the night crying out for my mom; was very painful and I just felt uncontrollable waves of tears flow through me for about 15 minutes straight. After this experience, I became very angry every time I spoke with my parents for months. I would get irrationally angry about the smallest things. About two months ago I was getting in to it with my parents and I felt this deep deep rage directed towards my father, my body was so charged with energy and I knew it was irrational but I felt such an intense surge of energy throughout my body. As we were arguing I said in absolute rage that as a youth I had always thought my dad 'wanted to beat the shit out of me as a kid.' Immediately this anger turned into uncontrollable sobbing and later that night feelings of deep irrational fear. Then about two weeks ago we had another less than pleasant conversation with another major emotional release. Somehow we began talking about my youth and how I always felt like I was never good enough and a troublemaker and various other low self esteem things. I said that I felt like I wasn't loved by others and that my parents had acted like I was such a horrible kid; they asked if maybe I had been projecting my own feelings externally. Upon them asking this I began to cry and deeply knew that they were correct, my beliefs of feeling like a bad kid were all illusions within me. Similar to a psychedelic trip, I had this deep intuitive understanding that a lot of these internalized beliefs came from the horrible, hateful rap music I listened to pretty much exclusively. I spent the next few hours reading lyrics/listening to these old songs and it just became more and more clear how they had taken root in my mind. This alternated with listening to sad songs and deep feelings of sadness, mourning, and grief. It honestly felt like I was mourning the death of this illusion and was fully experiencing the pain that I had been repressing unconsciously for years. I post this all as somewhat of a question. I think I have a decent conceptual understanding of the spiritual purification process and emotional/trauma release. Is what I am describing similar in anyone else's personal experience? Is this a kundalini awakening (I ask because my experience is nearly identical to that of many others)? Is this a normal part of evolution and letting go of the ego/false beliefs? I intuitively think that what I am doing is healthy and beneficial in the long term, it is just very painful work and has caused me to go in and out of depression, anxiety, fear, losing 15ish pounds, absolute inability to do any schoolwork/concentrate, occasional nightmares and social isolation. I've just felt a pull within my core to be alone and come inward to myself, which was only exasperated by living in a house with 7 other frat guys who were constantly taking shots at me. Additionally during this time I have had many wonderful experiences. I began a wonderful relationship literally a week after the retreat and very quickly developed a deep heart connection/energetic bond. Also, when I was doing a gratitude practice I felt so unbelievably grateful for all of my food, water, the sun, clothes, etc. Can't explain it but I felt so blessed for what I had been given. Also, as I've let go of a fair amount of beliefs and begun seriously using affirmations, my confidence and feelings of certainty in my manifesting/creative abilities have sky-rocketed. Finally, when I'd focus on it I could feel deeper and deeper into love and joy. Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated, seriously helps provide some peace of mind; thank you everyone. I also hope anyone else following this thread is getting some useful value from my story and the advice of everyone on here.