Casey Gavin Powers

hi actualized.org, i have a serious problem happening with me right now and ive been trying my best to solve this by myself but i feel like getting some outside perspective may help. ill give you the background. im a 17yr old high school student. i got into watching leo sometime last year because of my social anxiety and very depressive feelings ive been experiencing most of my life. watching leo was interesting but it became toxic because i relied too much on him and basically tried to emulate him rather than fixing anything (rookie mistake). only now am i recognizing my own direct experience, for a while i was beginning to depersonalize because the ideas would be in my head while i would smoke weed nearly every day. Recently, ive been suicidal. Ive had multiple breakdowns and had a huge one today where i bashed my head into metal bars bruising myself, which is why im writing this. I got dumped by my ex over the summer because i was mentally unstable, we got back together but i called it off a few weeks ago because i noticed the same thing happening. im a very creative person and have been making all sorts of art for sometime now, ive created this graphic design brand called "UNZARI" and its been very successful at my school and im pretty well known for it and popular at school. a lot of my problems are internal, ive had a girlfriend, im considered good looking and cool, and im very social. right now i feel incredibly lonely because i had a lot of fun last year but now that me and my girlfriend are broken up i only have 2 people to talk to and hang out with (people who may care about me). My dad doesnt talk to me at all besides when he yells at me, which makes me feel like shit everyday. i recently disabled all my social media and have just isolated myself in my room. my problems seem very petty in comparison to what others have to go through, but its getting to the point where im starting to harm myself. any advice helps, feel free to ask questions

Has anyone else become aware that life is like a videogame?? I had a vivid dream two nights ago where i awakened and saw people for what they are, and that day my awareness grew dramatically. ive been doing some meditation and doing nothing technique. today on the way to school i saw that reality is like a first person game where if i eat or touch certain things the character feels pain. if i have sex, the character feels overwhelming love and pleasure. there are ENDLESS items and characters to interact with. Like leo said somewhere in a video, its all perfect too,no glitches. it makes me feel blessed just being alive

@Gabriel Antonio @Nahm @Salcedoop @i am I AM @Elisabeth thank you for all the kind replies and amazing advice. it got the point the other day where i bought a rope planning to hang myself. i let myself completely go into it as much as i needed. i ended up going to a halloween party the other day where i sold my brand items. i met this girl who i fell in love with and we actually made out the other night. i am not relying on her for my happiness but we talked about self actualization and it made me feel a great sense of love for life after what i went through and now being blessed knowing this person who happens to be into SPIRAL DYNAMICS, what are the odds? im not sure if i need to join any activities but i def am seeing the school therapist thank you all so much you people were the only ones there for me at the time