zoey101

@Feel Good Thanks for trying... I'm sorry I wasted your time...

Like I said... I didn't appreciate what I had... I don't know what happened exactly... but I just stopped caring and that hurt people, including my family... I can remember my dad shouting one night when I was about 16, clear as day, "what, are you a whore now?" because of a pretty lewd text I got... I got angry and was already a little strung out so I was going to just leave and the next thing I remember is my sisters and dad holding me down and when my mom came I panicked and kicked her... She lost it of course and beat the shit out of me... I deserved that... They were nothing but loving and supportive and I just stopped caring...

I think I was just attracted to the "rebellion"... my family has always been really tight and supportive... I betrayed a lot of things that I was raised to find "sacred", like losing my virginity out of wedlock and using drugs... even if it was just weed in the beginning, I never wanted to try any of that... My relationship with my husband was pretty insane and toxic on it's own... and it left me pretty broken and empty feeling...

I don't want to spread hatred or hurt anyone now... I want to be better than that...

I was loved as a child. Very loved, my family was very strong.. I went crazy because my current husband broke up with me when we were just dating back in high school... I couldn't handle it because i thought it was because he got what he wanted from me (sex, I was a virgin) and was done... That wasn't the case... bu it didn't matter at the time... I felt like that was the only way someone would want me... so I just lost it...

I don' see how using and hurting people is loving... even to yourself...

Yeah... nothing I did was in the context of love though... just self...

...but it's not un-true... I did those things and hurt people with my actions... I didn't care... I just wanted to do what I wanted and it didn't matter how I got it... I thought I was being a strong and "sexy" woman... but it was nothing like that... I know I was wrong...

There is a lot I don't even remember because of being extremely high all the time... That whole section is just an insane blur of awful things... I was desperate and pretty pathetic and not too much has changed in the pathetic aspect... I try to encourage others because it helps make me feel good... I want others to feel happy and to not feel what I have felt... I have done just about everything I told myself I never would growing up... I just wish I could redo it... but I can't... so I just try to make sure that the people I encounter aren't hurt by me in any way... It's kind of the only way I know how to "make up for it", I guess...

pick one what? belief?

Thank you.. I will try to download it and see if I can listen at some point..

@Feel Good I don't know.. I want to believe at least an 8... but it's probably closer to a 3 or 4, if I'm being totally honest with myself... I'm not too sure what more I can say without sounding judgmental of it... I was pretty much ready to sell my self.. in a pretty literal sense... I didn't care about anything but making myself happy.. I wanted to feel Idolized by men and feel like I was on someone's mind.... it isn't my proudest moment...

that's sounds about right... it's a pretty insane way of thinking...

I judge myself... I try not to judge others because I know I am far from perfect... So I try to just stay in an encouraging and loving mindset when it comes to other people...

No.. I'm scared of becoming the person I was before now.. I was raised in Church and had so many good things in my life and I didn't appreciate it.. I wanted to experience the "rebellious" parts of life, I guess you could say... I spent a good couple of years just strung out on pills and uppers and being a pretty despicable person... this guy was a huge part of it.... It scares me because that is still in me... I still think about it from time to time and I hate that I've felt that that life was so much easier than now.. and I've missed it... That's what scares me... And this situation doesn't help in any way... It sucks...

I don't think so... I don't know...

no... I know I am very judgmental of myself... I am so scared of becoming that person again that it hinders things in my life... I know that.... I feel disgusted with my body because of the things I have done... and it makes it hard to be intimate with my husband... I hate that part of me... I try to just let it go... but I can't seem to stop feeling like I can't... It's easy for me to find the good in others and to encourage them... but when it comes to me... I don't know why I can't just be that way to myself...

...I guess it's a hatred of myself... or at least the "self" I was back then... But i will try... thank you...

I am trying... have been trying... but it seems like once one thing is seemingly over, the next "fuck you" has to come in and mess things up... I just want a break from all of this... one thing after another... its so much...

@Feel Good Thank you... I will try to look into it.. This shit just had the worst possible timing...

I suppose... but Leo gives majority of his advise and lessons through videos... I don't have the chance to watch them because of work and lack of time... Is there a written/typed version that I could use...?

I'm on this forum during my "free moments" at work... I'm not aloud to watch videos or even have an ear bud in so I get what I can... Once I am home, I have no time for it because I get home late and it's straight to dinner and bed.... So I am trying to get what I can, where I can... This forum helps...

I have watched a few videos... but I don't get too many chances to watch YouTube...

Just try to enjoy being single for a bit man, go out, make some new friends and bask in the knowledge that you can do SO MUCH MORE as a single man. Explore, go on adventures alone and with friends, just live a little man and try not to stress the little things. Everything will fall into place in time, just enjoy this moment, right now.

So we are basically just supposed to let go and listen to our "calling" and just follow it?