zoey101

So things have been pretty up and down in my life, as of late, but I have been doing everything in my power to keep a sense of perspective and stay positive about everything being thrown my way. I know God has given me the power to handle anything, because He never gives me more than I can handle, but I need some real strength to endure this newest challenge... So I have been with my job for about 4-5 months now and we had a new guy start today and it has been pretty rough for me even though it's only been a few hours... The guy that started was one of my "old friends" from back when I was a reckless and fucked up teenager.. And he is also apparently family to the head administrator here... He was one of the guys I would sleep with in exchange for drugs and other shit... I thought he was going to be put upstairs in the call center, but they changed things around at the last second and now I am the one training him at the front desk... I am trying not to make anything of it, but my heart has been pounding this whole time.. He keeps having to get close to me to see what I am doing on the computer and I get flustered.. He has only made two comments about the past... asking if I was still into any of that bad stuff anymore and when I told him I was married and a mother now, he said that he "doesn't mind" and just smiled... I have him sitting at his own desk from across from me.. but I have to keep going over there to train him... I don't want to make a big deal out of this.. but this is hard... And what about my husband?!? Do I tell him? What if he gets really angry and blows it out of proportion... The last time I was in a similar position to this, he almost made me quit my job... I don't know what to do you guys...

So I asked my husband if he could download the self help books and it some how turned into him saying that he is sick of being the one who suffers for this... Said he doesn't think it'll help and I need to just move on and quit trying to make excuses to get out of it... I tried to tell him how important it was to me and what I have been trying to discover about myself and he just kept cutting me off... He said he's going to a friend's house... God damnit... What's the fucking point... He wants an instant change.. I can't do that... He won't listen... So fuck it ..

I really like that thank you, seriously!

Okay.. I wish there was a list of questions I could use.. but I know hat each situation is different so I need to ask questions only I need the answer too.. I started typing up a "Life Timeline" and have only reach middle school and am already noticing some patterns.. especially when it comes to men... this shit is rough, but I know it's gotta be worth it..

That's a really good analogy.

@tsuki So I think I found the picture I have to use... This one made me feel uneasy, so I thought that was as clear a sign as any. I am 19 in this picture...

Alright, thank you.

wow, thank you.. that was really beautiful.. I felt a tug in my heart while reading that.. Thank you I will try to keep it on here. As confusing as that was to read, I think I understand... they both kind of feed of of each other and when you find yourself stuck in the loop you give more power to your "ego" and it is harder to break from it... like that? I can see how I've done that.. Definitely something I'll need to think on... Thank you.. and I don't have any but I can get them from my old Facebook account, I suppose. I spent my lunch break trying to "talk to her". I didn't really know what to say so I kept repeating "there is nothing wrong with you", "you are worthy to be loved and deserve to love yourself", things like that... I'm not sure how much that will do.. but I feel a little better God.. sorry for the long post!

Okay, I will try. Thank you.

Thank you

I kind of understand that... I caused and created all my problems in my mind.. no one else sees them as a problem but me, so I need to just stop seeing it as a problem and just move on.. right..?

I've already broken every boundary I had for myself... I don't really know where to go from there...

I actually have an irrational fear of mirrors... go figure... but I get what you are saying... is that the kind of stuff that gets done through meditation..? I have meditated but just focused on breathing and silence.. so I'm not sure...

@Nahm I know how I cause all of his... I know it's all me... @Faceless I'm not sure how to study that exactly... but I guess I will try google.. Thank you..

Yes. That's how zoe sees the world. It's sad I don't see the world like that... I just don't want to keep going and push everyone away... I know how this shit usually goes... this may be the deepest I've been able to go on this shit.. and I thank you guys for that.. but this isn't the first time I've tried to work through this with others... I know what happens when there's no immediate change.. everyone gets frustrated and leaves... so I'm just stopping before it gets to that point again...

Thank you guys.. but I think this issue may be beyond my abilities to fix.. I really don't want to waste anyone else's time here... I appreciate the advice and support.. but I think the only way I can fix this is with professional help... I can't afford it now.. but I will soon, hopefully.. I don't want to push anyone away because of this shit... So it's probably better if I just stop here.... I'm sorry for bringing it up...

@Nahm Thank you, I will try that. @Feel Good I'm sorry.. I'm really trying, I swear... Well.. I guess not including my current "crash" because of the new employee... I had a good streak going for a while and was staying positive and as present as I could, but then I had a "failing moment" with my husband and it all kind of just rushed back... I stayed in bed for the whole day and felt like everything was just to heavy to move... I laid there trying to bring myself back up, but it's like a second voice was shouting even louder telling me that I am worthless and a failure...

@John Iverson I will try, thank you

@Nahm I do feel limited by it all.... I love the idea of being free from all of it... being my "full potential" as opposed to just dreaming about it.. I want all of that... @Feel Good I know violence is wrong... I have experienced enough of it to know that.. I know my parents could have "handled" me differently and not spanked or it me ever... but I was pretty crazy back then.. so I don't really hold it against them.. @cetus56 Thank you

Thank you. I do love Morgan Freeman's voice it's soothing, I will try to watch this when I can.

@ajasatya I hate everything... I feel like who I am now is just a fraud to cover up and hide who I was... I feel like everything I do is still tied to who I was and it is really hurting things.. I hate that I sold out everything I thought was "important" and "sacred" to me.. I hate that I feel like I still do it... I hate that I can't just get over it and be normal... I just hate all of it...

yeah... I want to let it all go....

@Feel Good I checked out the OneNote that @John Iverson mentioned. I am going to try that and keep a password on it, for now. I'll just see how that goes. I do want to assert myself.. I was able to tell the guy at work that I am not willing to risk everything I've worked for because of him.. I told him I will go right to the administrator, even if it is his fucking uncle... He has left me alone the past two days, for the most part.. @tsuki thank you... I get all of that and I agree with it all... Now if I could just get the rest of "me" on board... @John Iverson my thoughts, exactly... but I can't seem to get it through to him.. @Key Elements thank you.. I am trying to get into reading more about this issue.. I have like 50 articles saved and I hope they help me, even a little...

@zenjen Thank you, I will try to watch this. @Nahm I keep trying to just wake up and BE the person I want to be, but I can't seem to let go of things from my past... It's frustrating because, logically, I KNOW that it's not a big deal, I'm different from the person I was.. I KNOW that I can be what I want by just being it... but my mind and body don't seem to want to catch up with that... If that makes any sense.. @Feel Good I became a mom myself and have been seeing how hard it can be sometimes.. So I have gained a little more understanding towards my parents.. My biggest fear is that my daughter will go through even just one bad thing I went through... I would sneak out of my house and be disrespectful to hem a lot... so I figured that's why I deserved it... @tsuki that makes so much sense, thank you.. but I still can't seem to push past it to a point of acceptance or forgiveness of the "bad parts" of me.. It's like I know all of the steps, agree with them and understand that I have the power to do it... but the application part just won't go... I can get myself to feel really good for a while. I like things about me, but then I just can't seem to hold onto it... and I end up crashing pretty hard.. @Prabhaker I am from a pretty traditional Spanish family.. We were spanked if we misbehaved... I wouldn't go as far as to say it was a full on beating... My mom told me about the actual beatings she got when she was a kid, we got off pretty luck compared to her.

I kind of just thought of it myself.. I hated being punished but not my parents.. I would get mad at them.. but I discovered later that they were only doing their best.. they sacrifice a lot for the family, even today.. but I wanted to be a "bad kid"... So they reached the best way they knew how... @starsofclay I want to be able to love myself... But I just don't see anything very lovable... @Colin thank you.. I will try to look into that.