FindingPeace

You are actually suffering because you are not comfortable with your own company and solitude. Friendships can be enjoyable and fulfilling but they can also be a distraction from a fundamental emptiness that you feel inside. Having friends will mask this emptiness to an extent but it will bring with it a whole other myriad of suffering. Friendships are not permanent or reliable. They come and go. People like you and dislike you. People will come to you and leave you. Cultivating friendships will no solve the underlying feeling of discomfort that you have with solitude and ultimately will invoke other sources of insecurity. If a friendship starts to fall apart you will feel the anxiety of this and fear having to face your solitude again. By all means find ways to make new friendships but also look inward at your need for them. Work on becomming more comfortable with your own company. You are the one constant in your life and the one person you spend the most time with. So that is always the place to start. Other can then supplement your life as they come and go but you will never feel 'lonely'. You will never suffer as a consequence.

The problem is that you can't really 'make' people doing something. You have the best of intentions and can see a healthy path for your brother to follow but ultimately this is something that you want for him. It isn't comming from him. Genuine motivation has to come from within the person themself and all the best intentions in the world won't cultivate genuine motivation within another human. That only comes from a genuine interest and a realisation of the potential benefits. The only way to guide others to see the benefits of a certain path is to be an example of that path, a role model for them, and give them the time to see how it works for you. They may then decide, on their own accord, to follow suit if they can see the benefits. Or they may not. But it ultimately comes down to their own choice. Even 'encouraging' people can create the opposite effect simply because it comes across as a demand and can be met with demand resistance. I tried to 'encourage' and 'expose' my wife to personal development. The more I did so the more resistance I was met with. But I have found that in time, as my own interests and pursuits in the subject have grown, she has naturally taken an interest - albeit not a fully heart felt one but it's progress. I don't try to pressure her and I don't expect anything. She'll either decide to get more into it or she won't. That's her choice. Ultimately the important thing is to continue with your own pursuit of personal development and not get too distracted in trying to 'sell it' to others. That can become a frustrating distraction to your own personal growth.

I second this. Traditional love, or romantic love, standard love or whatever you want to call it is actually attachment. It is also selfish and conditional. Sounds harsh but it's very easy to prove this to yourself. Think about someone you love and then list the reasons that you love that person. Reasons. That, in itself, right there, is the evidence. If you love someone for 'reasons' then it can be assumed that you wouldn't love them if those reasons were no longer present. The love is conditional on those reasons. It is selfish, because those reasons are things that serve your own self agenda. It is selfish because it is judgmental and critical of the person being loved. The love is conditional on those judgements. In many ways, 'love' is just another word for 'like'. Or, basically, the value assigned to someone when an ego sees that there is something in it for itself. And it's easy to see that many (or most) relationships are based upon a co-dependency and the ensuing battle of self-agendas and egos between the two people. Each person wanting what suits them and trying their best to engineer the relationship and their partner to acheive this. Sounds cynical. The evidence is all around us. I don't think I've ever witnessed a truly functional and fulfilling relationship. More often what I see are mutualy beneficial arrangements. Mutually beneficial - in other words both people get something out of it that serves them is some way. True, authentic love, has no reasons. It is simply the absence of judgment and criticism. The complete acceptance of someone or something. The allowing of someone to just 'be' as they are. Authentic love is not dependent on 'like' either. Authentic love is independent of your own ego and self-agenda. With authentic love, there is nothing in it for you. It is just an end in itself.

You could write novels that convey self-actualization/enlightenment concepts. So rather than contributing to low-conscious topics like the media currently does, you try conveying higher-consciousness topics or stories. Increasing awareness. There must be a way to work it in there. It would inadvertently educate the population about self-actualization without them even knowing it. Just as popular culture currents reduces consciousness without people being aware of its effects. Just a thought.

What is wasted time? Doing nothing? Doing the 'wrong' things? Not creating 'success'? What is being 'wasted'? What is the alternative to wasting time? When I hear people worrying about wasting time they usually mean 'not using time productively'. But then I wonder what 'productive' is? And why it is so important. More often it seems to me that this 'productive' ideal is just the pursuit of fake growth - some external artifact that represents success and achievement which is being used as a mask for a feeling of emptiness and unfulfillment. The underlying cause of this fear of time wasting is the underlying feeling of emptiness. Which comes from the lack of understanding of what happiness is. Ideally one should be capable of sitting in a room for a day just doing nothing at all and being content and fulfilled with complete peace of mind. But most would deem this a 'waste' of time. The pursuit of success and acheivement is the usual priority. The other thing here the 'regret' of wasting time. Regret is a reflection on the past, which has been and gone and no longer exists. You can't change it. It was what it was. It is now a memory, a story in your mind. Instead, focus on the now and on the future. Rather than sitting around regretting the past, get on with creating a new future. If you 'wasted time' in the past, then don't 'waste time' now and in the future. The present moment is all you have, so use it to follow your passion right now. Reliving stories about the past serves no valuable purpose. Act now. Do what needs to be done now.

I echo what others have said here. The most striking effect of personal development is becomming more self-suffient and indepent of the external. Becomming completely satisfied with just 'being' just as we are, on our own. The natural side effect of this is that we become detached from other people. Not to say that we become introverted hobits but that we lose our dependence on others. I am seeing the same happening in my own life. And it's a liberating and fulfilling feeling. It doesn't stop us from having valuable interractions with others but it frees us from the pain that inevitably comes from being needy and attached to other people. Interestingly, I nolonger see people as some means to my own happiness but rather I see them for their own sake. And this applies to my own immediate family too. I no see them as individual people who exist for their own sake and not as a source or value to myself. And that isn't to say that I don't love and appreciate them, I do, just that I no longer feel the attachment to the story that 'they are my family and that means X, Y and Z'.

Firstly stop judging yourself. Being averse to pain doesn't make you a pussy. It makes you human. It is your body's way of protecting you from injury. The fact is that many pursuits in life come with risks. Sports come with the risk of physical injury, it's just a fact. The risk is there. If you want to pursue these things then you have to accept that risk and the pain that comes with that. The amount of risk varies so it's down to you to decide whether the potential gain warrants the amount of risk AND the potential long-term consequences of that risk. The question is: how important to you is it to try out these sports? Is it more important than the chance of getting an injury doing so? Ultimately you have to come to terms with the fact that you may get an injury. If that happens you'll just have to deal with it at the time. People deal with such things all the time and get through them. People recover. It can happen anyway. Just getting out of bed then falling down the stairs. It's an inherent risk of being a life-form. You may never 'get over it' but you may learn how to cope with it if it happens. You're not doomes to be a pussy because you're not one and it doesn't make you one. Perhaps losing these judgments may go some distance to you getting over these sorts of hang-ups. It isn't weakness, and viewing it as that will only hold you back further. Things may or may not happen in life. You may or may not get hurt. You could sit around procrastinating about it forever, or you can get out there and see what really happens. And if something does happen, you'll have to take it on in the moment and work through it. Life's to short anyway, so follow your passions. Living a long life without passion isn't going to be any more fulfilling than living life following your passions at the risk of something occuring. There are people who have died whilst following their passions, but if you could ask them if they would have it any other way they would probably say not.

This is very true. People may say that it's a human 'need' to pursue sex and relationships but actually, with inner work, it can be see that it isn't an inherent need at all. Nature programmed us with a drive to reproduce but we humans have the psychological ability to see past that drive. The more peace of mind I cultivate through mindfulness, meditation and general inner work etc the more I see what 'needs' are not needs at all and also how peaceful I can feel without chasing all these things. I've come to relalize that I care less about things that I once cared so much about. Including relationships.

I want to echo this. You can't rely on other people, things or situations to provide your happiness and fulfillment in life. You have no control over the external, only the internal, only you. Be your own best friend and find a love for life that is independent of other people. That way noone can hurt you because you are not attached to others and their validation/approval of you. You can't control another human or the relationship you have with them. Only yourself. This doesn't mean living a synical life expecting the worst all the time but it does mean being accepting of reality and how reality works. You don't know what will happen, or what someone will do. But you can make yourself independent of it, not dependent on it. If you worry so much about a partner cheating on you then there is something within you that so desperately needs a partner in your life and one that remains loyal. Herein is the inner work that can unravel the causes of your feelings towards relationships. Remember that noone else's actions are a complete reflection of you. They say more about the other person. If someone cheats, it's not always about you, it's about them. Learning not to take it personally is a good start. Whenever you feel that something is personal, flip it around and see what it says about them instead. And likewise, when you find yourself overly invested in the behaviour/opinions of others, flip it around and see what, within you, is driving your investment in them.

I just sit, in a normal sitting position but keeping my back straight and my hands resting on my thighs. At home I'll sit on the edge of the bed, but I find sitting anywhere works. Generally need my feet on the floor though as the pressure on the back of my thighs causes pain and discomfort at times.

Anger towards whom? Him for being the way he is, or you for not maintaining your boundaries? There's no need for any anger here. The situation was what it was. More than anything it has provided you with experience. Every experience in life has value as it gives us the opportunity to grow and better ourselves. There's no failure, no fault, no blame. It is also in the past now. From here on is the present moment and the future. Which need not be a repeat of the past. This is the cycle we often get caught up it. In fact it's this constant replaying of the 'movie' in our minds that actually causes more suffering than the situation itself. The situation lasted for a finite duration and has since passed yet the mind keeps replaying and reliving the moment, creating constant suffering even after the 'real' situation has dissipated. What could you have done differently? Nothing. Because you did what you did and what happened happened. There was no alternative to that. The proof is, that it happened as it did. But from that experience there is something to be learned that can be used in the future. That is growth. So try not to judge or criticise this situation or yourself. It is all part of growing. Take a moment to sit quietly somewhere and practice some mindfulness. Get in to the present moment and become aware of your surroundings and of yourself. See that you are perfectly ok right there and then and that nothing is happening to you and that the past situation isn't occing right now. Become aware that your thoughts are trying to tell a story and replay a movie but that those thoughts are just thoughts - they are not reality. Whenever the thoughts try to pull you back in to the content of the movie, bring your awareness back to the present moment and reassure yourself that all is well exactly in that moment. As for the future? Boundaries take time to learn and enforce. If situations like this one happen again then take them as an oportunity to practice maintaining boundaries. But also, try not to judge the situation. Just respond to it. And once it passes reflect on what you have learned and what you can improve upon next time. Remember that the thought-stories that go on in your head are just stories about the event that you buy in to. The key is to let these stories run but without getting invested in them. Whenever you feel caught up in your thoughts, take a moment out, get in to the present moment and ask yourself whether the thought stories is real right there, right then, in that moment, or are you ok and safe?

It was this one "Why Rationality Is WRONG!" https://www.actualized.org/articles/why-rationality-is-wrong

This is still operating from a paradigm of duality. In enlightenment, in theory, we become no-dual. So there are no more opposites or divisions: no more pain and pleasure, good or bad, right or wrong. It is to assume that in enlightenment the absence of suffering equals the presence of joy - that if it isn't one thing it must be the other. My interpretation is that things become neural and peaceful. Peace of mind. Perhaps this is bliss, but that doesn't make it either pain or pleasure. Just peace. Enlightenment isn't a hedonic pursuit of constant gratification. It is the absense of all of these things. Including any negative emotions. It is simply just 'being' and just 'allowing' life to live.

If someone tries to engage you in a conversation that you feel uncomfortable about then you can either tell them honestly that you're not comfortable with it or that it isn't appropriate. Or you can end the converstaion by not feeding in to it - give answers that don't provoke further enquiry. If that doesn't work then end the conversation directly as already mentioned. Perhaps he's interested in you and isn't being discrete about it. Maybe. But you don't have to engage with that. You could avoid him in the future but that doesn't really address the situation. Personally I see honesty as the best policy here. Tell him directly that you're not interested and don't wish to engage in flirtitious or other similar conversation or behaviour. If he isn't respectful of that then he isn't someone you want to be around.

I can completely relate to this as can many others on here. It is a natural stage in personal development and a topic that comes up repeatedly. It's inevitable that as we grow in to healthier-minded and higher-conscious people we wil initially find it harder to associate with the 'lower' conscious behaviour of some others. And this causes us frustration. I tend to take a more passive approach to interactions nowadays. I accept that people are the way they are, whether or not I think they could 'improve' or grow out of certain behaviours or mindsets. I allow people to just 'be' as they are and I watch it as though I were observing chimps at a zoo. I remain detached from their behaviours and mindsets and keep within my own. In fact I look at these situations as an opportunity to grow myself. By observing others I can identify patterns and behaviours I wouldn't want to exhibit in my own life, so I use them as a srot of 'mirror' to see where I behave in a similar way or to reinforce things that I want to work on and illiminate from my self. I also use these occasions to practice detachement and patience. Leo did a good video on this: https://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-exploit-people-to-grow-yourself Fundamentally, though, it could be that you've outgrown certain people in your life. This can happen. You can realise that you no longer get value from certain interractions with people and that prior friendships no longer serve you and, infact, are detrimental to your own growth. Have you heard of the 'crabs in the bucket' analogy? That when a crab tries to climb out of the bucket the other crabs will reach up and pull it back in. People do this. They don't want to see you grow and 'leave' them. It's not something they could do so they don't want you doing it either. On the one hand, with personal development, we need to become more patient and accepting of others, yet we also have to be aware that others can hold us back. Ultimately, as we grow and become more self-dependent and self-sufficient, our 'need' for others may well diminish. My advice to you at the moment would be this: try to detach yourself from the negative behaviours of others and just observe it, accept it as being 'just how it is for them' (but not for you). This isn't an ego game either, so as we grow beyond others' growth that doesn't make us 'better' than them. It's hard not t be judgmental at times but in time you will become more accepting. That just takes a little further growth. Acceptance is great - because it ultimately relieves the frustration and suffering that you currently feel about this and many other areas of life. Acceptance means to allow something to be, without judgment or criticism. And to remain detached from it. Something most people struggle with.

People have bad habits for a reason: they are easy and they are rewarding in some way. It's easy gratification. Good habits generally aren't so gratifying, at least it seems that way at first. This is the issue and the reason why there is resistance. The problem with the mind is that it is only motivated by potential for reward. So a bad habit provides a reward which inspires motivation. In order to adopt a good habit your mind needs a reason for motivation, It needs some promise of a reward. So the question to ask is: why are you trying to change your habits? To what end? There must be some positive reason you are choosing to do so. This needs to be your focus. Give your self positive reasons, motivation and reward for dropping bad habits and instilling good ones. Ultimatelty bad habits give instand gratification whereas good ones give delayed gratification. So look at the long term, bigger picture, of where these good habits will take you in time. Let that motivate you naturally.

What's 'wrong' with your personality that you think needs changing? You've already identified that you are shy and lack confidence. So looking into the roots of this would be the place to start. Hint: underconfidence and shyness in social contexts often stems from caring to much what other people think of you. Leo has a great video on tackling this. But I think this is the place to start.

A thought is 'data' emerging from your brain processes. There are several types of thought I have identified during meditation: Thoughts about the past which attempt to reason out past experiences and derive meanings and motivations for future actions. Thoughts about the future which run through possible scenarios and simulations so as to give as a plan of action for future possibilities. Thoughts about the present moment which identify the details of what is going on around us and derive meaing from it that can be used to consider future actions. Most thoughts, it seems, consist of data that has been sorted by the brain and presented to our conscious-awareness in order to create motivations for future actions. There's no 'true' or 'false' about thoughts. They just are. They are symbols that represent meaning that the brain is deriving from memory and from current experience. They are not representative of reality, but are more of an 'augmented reality' that we live within. Absolute truth is 'what is'. We can't really experience absolute truth because we can only experience reality through experience itself - which is subjective and also limited by our means of sensory inputs and our interpretation of those inputs. Absolute truth is exactly what is, when you stop thinking about it. Awareness is the field of consciousness that exists that experiences sensory information from the body and thoughts themselves. Thoughts are presented to your awareness, just as sight, sound, smell and touch is presented to it. Awareness is what ceases when you loose consciousness (like in deep sleep or under general anesthetic). You can still have awareness without the presence of thoughts.

Indeed, this advice seems to come from someone who doesn't know how to do the inner work and is dimissive of it because it is far easier to "preoccupy youself with new activities". That's what most people do because doing inner work takes painful effort that most people don't want to take, so they do the easy thing: distract themselves. This isn't a sustainable solution as it never actually addresses the issues or attempts to repair them. Someone who sais this is only doing so because it's convenient for them to believe it. If they belive this then they don't have to confront their issues and do any inner work. Inner problems can absolutely be truly resolved. To believe otherwise is to avoid the work of working on issues. It's a bit like someone saying "There's no point getting an education because you'll never get a job anyway". That way they don't have to go to school because they truly believe that there isn't any point. It's a convenient excuse. But that's all it is. A limiting belief. Working on inner issues is not dwelling on them. Dwelling on them is going over and over them with victim-mindset feeling sorry for yourself. Working on them is breaking them down to see where they come from, what is causing them, how they affect your life and what you can do to unwire them. It is actively working and taking action to repair the damage. Doing inner work isn't easy. It can open up a can of worms of emotions, feelings, beliefs and values. It can turn it all upside down and cause you to face your greatest fears and inner demons. Which is all good. But it's work many people are afraid to do. That's why they distract themselves instead. But doing the work is the only way to move on and imporve the quality of your life. Distraction will not. There no need to fear inner work, it can only lead to positive change and a better, happier life.

Because you buy in to what people are saying to you as though it has significance to you. Ultimately, you get offended because you believe what people are saying about you. Cosider this: if you had opinion X about yourself and someone gives you their opinion Y, which is different to yours, you already have an opinion so why do you care what theirs is? You can think to yourself "Ok, they think Y but I believe X to be true so their opinion is irrelevent". Whereas you are probably thinking "Ok, they think Y but I think X, maybe they know something I don't, maybe they're right, but I don't want to admit that, that can't be so, they have to be wrong, I must stop them thinking that". If you are confident in your self then you only need to care what YOU think. Others can say and think what they like. That's their business. If it causes a problem with your relationships with these people then maybe they're not the people you need in your life. Fundamentally you cannot control what other people think and do. That's their business. You can only control what you think and do - that's your business. You can only concern yourself with your own business. You can only control how you respond to their thoughts and actions. Other's have the right, just as you do, to say and think whatever they like. But you don't have to believe them or engage with them. If you want to know why you get offended, then the next time you get offended, look at the thoughts you are having about what the other person said or did. Look at what you are believing about them and their actions, and what you are believing about yourself. It isn't them that's offending you, it what you are believing about the situation and your own thoughts that is creating the offence. To quote a technique from Byron Katie: who would you be without the thought "so-and-so thinks X about me" or "I am offended by what X said"? What would actually happen if you did't react at all to the situation and carried on with your life regardless? If instead of creating a story about how offended you are and why, you merely acknowledged the situation and what people said or did, chose to dismiss it as insignificant and then carried on as if it never happened. After all, after it's happened it's in the past anyway, so it no longer exists. Just the story you tell yourself about it persists. So cut out the story!

I concur with this. Try this too: sit somewhere quiet, as above and preferably in front of a mirror. Get in to the present moment. Notice the room you are in, the floor under you, the walls around you, the window, the furniture. Notice you sitting there. Also notice right there, right then you are safe. Noone and nothing is hurting or threatening you. You are there with yourself in complete safety. Look at yourself and accept what you see. Be aware of any thoughts or fears that enter your mind and just notice them. But realise that they are just thoughts. Look around yourself again and confirm that you are safe there with yourself. As Christian said, give yourself uncondtional love. Accept what you see. Love what you see. Realise that the tramatic experience from the past, is in the past. That right now it is not happening. You are safe. Realise that the experience from the past is a memory that you replay in your mind and relive. It isn't happening, it isn't real any more. It is a collection of thoughts and images and emotions. You fear it happening again, but is it happening again? Right there, right now? In the present moment? The present moment is your greatest friend. But we get so caught up in our thought-stories that we aren't aware of the present moment. So much of our time is spent playing through thought-stories that feel so real. We keep subjecing ourselves to these stories when in the real, present moment these stories are not true. In the present moment these stories do not exist. The content of them isn't happening. Whenever you feel fear or anxiety, try to become mindful and get in to the present moment: look around you. Take in the detail of the reality around you. As you see it. And ask yourself the questions "Am I safe right now? Am I ok?", "Is there evidence of my thoughts and fears in this present moment?".

The greatest trap is your own mind. Specifically your ego and your self-agenda. Become aware of these, increase your awareness/consciousness and mindfulness and allow your mind to open to the possibilities that self-actualization will offer you. There are no traps other than the limiting-belief system you have before embarking on the journey. But as you do self-actualizing work you will only move forward as one by one, each limiting belief is addressed and each 'trap' is removed. If you take the insights you learn on the path to self-actualization, take them seriously and integrate them in to your daily life then things will only ever get clearer for you as time goes on. As the post above says, worrying about traps is a trap in itself. Just having this worry will become a self-fulfilling prophecy as you will be looking for 'failure' and will try to identify it. If you look with the expectation of finding, then you will find it. Insight number 1 - your reality is a projection of your own mind. So if you expect there to be traps then you will 'see' traps. They will exist. There will be challenges however. One day things will feel like progress, and then next you will be frustrated. The days you feel frustrated or like things aren't improving are the greatest opportunities for personal growth. You learn more about yourself and reality when things are hard than you do when everything is easy and nice. So whether or not there are traps, it doesn't matter. Accept whatever happens and take everything as a learning/growing exercise. In fact look forward to the challenging situations. Some days I'm living at peace with the world while other days I get triggered and my ego takes hold. These are the greatest opportunities for me to learn and to grow. Practicing mindfulness will help you observe these situations without getting 'trapped' by them.

East Anglia here.

Yes. But for me it has only ever been an exciting change in perspective, not an unsettling or aprehensive one. I think it's fairly normal for people to feel the way that you are though. It's a huge paradigm shift in world view. And yes, if you take on board the concepts that Leo teaches you will start to see reality for what it is and all your previous 'beliefs' for the illusions that they were. But herein is the exact point - that we all grow up with an illusory veiw of the world that leads to so much of our constant suffering. The very fact that you are starting to identify the difference in perspective is a positive first step. It seems unsettling because you start to question everything you thought you knew or believed. But with the new knowledge and awareness that Leo can bring you, you can start to reap the benefits of healthier mindsets and a greater awareness of 'what is really going on'. Don't be afraid to question your core assumptions, or to admit the unhealthy or dysfunctional aspects of your psyche. It's all positive growth. One thing for sure is that as you grow and gain awareness you will never look back, only forward to what more is possible. I like getting in to the nitty gritty of how the mind works and the dynamics of human psychology. I like finding the inner 'problems'. That way I can only make things better. I would rather have the awareness of this new paradigm than carry on in ignorance and suffering the consequences as a result. It's all good. Don't worry about the aprehension. That's to be expected. It's a whole new world you are stepping in to and and old, dysfunctional, world that you are stepping out of. This will be unfamiliar territory for a while but as you gain understanding and awareness the aprehension will give way to curiosity and anticipation of the inner growth and peace of mind that will be possible. Just to add, I've had people ask me "so why do believe what this Leo guy tells you?". My answer being that I don't need to believe him. The concetps he discusses are self evident. And the more I become aware of them, the more I can see them playing out in reality. This isn't a belief system he is teaching, he is merely rasining awareness after which the concepts become self-evident and rather obvious. You don't need to believe anything he says, just take it on board, and watch and observe yourself, people, society and reality. Then you will see it all for yourself.

So that would make all the millions of other 20-something (or 30, or 40 etc) virgins all wrong aswel then? You tend to only hear about the people who are having sex and not about the ones who aren't. So your veiw on society and what is 'normal' is distorted and biased. It's easy to believe that you are in the minority and therefore you are defective in some way. Well, you're not necessarily in the minority unless you've done an extensive survey across the world to assertain the exact proportion of people that have sex before their 20s verses those who haven't. Don't assume that you know what is 'normal' or 'not normal'. And in any case, who cares? So what? Whether you do or don't have sex is personal to you and nothing to do with what the rest of the world is doing. I've said this before on here and I'll say it again: stop focussing your attention on other people's lives. Your life is about you so concentrate on creating it and not worrying about what others are doing. They are not you. You are not them. You are you and you should be too busy building your own life to have the time to concern yourself with other people's activities. You're being outwardly focussed, which is basically a way of procrastinating from taking action in your own life. Look inwards and be detached from other's lives and expectations. You are independent of the actions and opinions of others. Another question to ask is: are you even bothered about sex right now? Is it even important to you? There is much more to life than sex. If you want it, go out and get it. If you don't, fine, carry on creating an awsome life for yourself. There's plenty of time for it later on. This is no different from people who beat themselves up for not having a relationships yet, or a marriage, or children, or anything else you can think of. Same deal. There are no rules, so do whatever you want and stop comparing yourself to others. Life isn't about what others are doing, it's about what you want in your life.