FindingPeace

To this day I look in the mirror and don't really see 'me'. I see a body standing there looking back at me. But I've never truly identified with it. Very weird feeling.

I have to agree with this. Because of this: Why do you feel for a second that you want to remain with someone who has agressive tendencies? Why do you need this relationship so much that you feel the need to 'handle' dysfunctional behaviour? In any case, he is the way he is. He can only change if he identifies a problem and wants to work on it. Don't get caught up in this age-old trap of focussing on the other person thinking that 'if only they changed a little then it will all work out'. People spend too much time pointing fingers at the other person instead of taking responsibility for themselves and their own situation. Always keep the focus on yourself, what you want and what you can do to improve your life. You can't change others or blame them but many people waste years of their lives trying to do exactly that. Quite right. This would be the prudent thing to do.

Well, I would suggest more meditation instead of masturbation. Meditation will help to reduce stress and in my experience can actually help promote sleep. In fact if I'm struggling to sleep I get up and meditate for 20 minutes, then go back to bed and continue the meditation in bed. It sends me to sleep quite effectively.

I would start by removing this stigma that time can be 'wasted'. Why do you think that? What's wrong with having time to do nothing? There is obviously a reason why you feel the need to fill time. Some anxiety or fear. In light of Leo's newest video "Real growth vs fake growth", don't think that by filling time you are actually solving a problem. The problem is not that you don't have enough things to fill you time with, it's that you think you need to in the first place. Why not take the time to sit somewhere and be mindful? To chill out and unwind. It seems to me that you have a need to distract yourself by constantly doing something. Suggesting that your mind doesn't like to stop. I guessing that you probably still feel uneasy even when you are filling your time with 'useful' activities. I think there is more to look in to here than just filling your time with more 'fake growth'. What's the real issue?

Yes. Your life purpose can be whatever you want it to be. You don't have to make the world a better place. And in any case, that's a subjective notion. What one person thinks is 'better' may not be what another person does. One person's better is another person's hell. Humanity has already tried to make things 'better' and as a result has brought more pain and suffering along with it. Long story, maybe one for another thread.. Point is, there is no rule saying that you have to do this. Or that you have to help others. Don't be guilted in to thinking that makes you selfish. It doesn't. At the end of the day we are all here for our own benefit. Our lives are our own. So your life purpose could be something personal to you. Maybe you want to break free of the petty dysfunctional behaviours of modern society and live peacefully in a cabin in a rainforest being at one with reality. That could be a valid life purpose. It may not help others but it does no harm to them either. You don't have to have an impact on the world. It's funny when I hear people talk about this. You don't see other lifeforms going out of their way to have an intentional 'impact' on the world. But because we are the arogant species that we are, and because we think we can, we decide that it is our mission to have an impact. And we certainly have had one, whether intentionally or otherwise. I'm not saying don't make the world better if you think you can. But it isn't a given obligation. Do whatever you are passionate about. Your purpose is yours, you're not here to prove anything to anyone else.

There was a similar topic to this elsewhere in the forum..can't remember where though. Anyway, I'm not a huge fan of small talk. I find a lot of it very meaningless and pretentious. I don't particularly have anything to contribute in social situations and am happier observing and listening than participating. That's not to say that I can't participate on occasion, I just have little interest in doing so. I've just become aware of how little value there is in the bs tooing and froing of mindless banter. The thing is, why do you need it? What value do you think you will gain? Do you tell yourself that you need to do this thing in order for people to like you or accept you? Do you have any personal interest in being able to do it? Or is it just some 'skill' that you think you should have and be able to practice because it is the norm and expected of you? I went through this same thing a few years ago. I felt self-conscious that I wasn't 'good' at small talk. So I dropped the bs story that "I am no good therefore I can't do it" and changed it to "I am confident in holding a conversation". Then I started 'role-playing' someone who could have conversations that looked and sounded like other people's. Sounds easy, but it was really. Once I stopped believing that I couldn't do it. Only problem was that I realised I was just being pretentious. Just role-playing, going through the motions. Sure, it felt good for a while before I realised that I wasn't being authentic. It didn't feel right. And it only felt good because I was receiving 'validation' from others who engaged with me. I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't participate in small talk and conversations. But do it for the right reasons. Be true to yourself. Don't do it for the sake of others, or for their validation or approval. Let's not start slapping labels on to people. Whether or not there may be any truth to it. Last thing someone needs is to be writing in to their self-image "I have a mental disorder therefore I can't do x,y or z and can't have fun..". It may not be anything like that at all. You just might not be interested or motivated to engage with people. Like I said, are you wanting to engage with people because you want to or because you think you should?

@MattHayez Firstly, you haven't hurt her. She feels hurt. There is a difference. From what you say it seems that this girl is highly insecure. She has internal issues that are manifesting themselves in your relationships and being projected on to you. None of this is your responsibility, you are not causing it. It isn't really you that needs to do work here it is her. There are some pretty deep issues here. But she needs to identify the issues herself and want to work on them, for her own benefit and not just for yours or for the relationship. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to alleviate the problem. Because ultimately all you can do is accomodate her issues by trying to avoid provoking them. This is an unhealthy platform to base a relationship. You will find yourself tiptoeing around her for the rest of your life and every time you trip up, and you will (not even knowingly) she will react in the way she does - insecure, fearful, jealous, needy etc This is already happening: So here you are worrying about your own begaviour and how it will affect her. You are trying not to 'worry' her. Trying to avoid provoking her fears. Having to modify your own behaviour to appease her. This will only lead to a stressful and dysfunctional relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship if there is fear present. For you two there is fear on both sides: for her the fear of you leaving or cheating, for you the fear of provoking her fear.. can you see how this will go? She needs to do inner work if she wants to have a successful relationship with you or anyone else. But there is another issue here: So you have an urgent need to have this woman in your life. At whatever cost. You also have insecurities you need to work on. You fear her leaving you and you being on your own. There is something within you that you are not facing that is driving you pursue an unhealthy relationship. There is no magic fix for this situation you have found yourself in. Both of you need to do inner work. However you can only do your own inner work - you cannot push her into confronting her own issues. You can encourage her, but in the end it is her choice what she is or isn't willing to work on. It may be worth trying to talk to her and get her to open up about her insecurities. Address the behaviour that you have experienced but in a non-confrontational way. But ultimately she will need to do some deep inner-work. You may have to accept that she won't do what is required and that the relationship will not be healthy enough to warrant maintaining. The problem with relationships is that people spend too much time transfixed on the other person who is 'causing' the problem. When we should all really be looking at our selves. She is who and what she is and only she can work on that. Don't get distracted by focussing exclusively on her and thinking that she is the answer to the problem 'if only she would do x,y or z'. You have to accept her for the way she is, and that may mean accepting that you can't be together. Importantly you need to be focussing on yourself. Work on your own issues, your insecurities neediness. Keep working on your own life. Never get caught in the trap of finger pointing at the 'other person' thinking that all the solutions lie there. You can waste years of your life doing that. Many people do. Other people are not the problems in our lives, we are the one creating the problems for ourselves. This may sound harsh, but in this example, your need to be in this particular relationship (or any right now) is actually the root cause of the problem from your side. You may love her and want to help her, which is fine, but you have to be open to the possibility that you can't always have what you want and it doesn't always work out. You can't force it and 'make' it work. This situation is not an unusual one. I think many relationships have a variation on this theme. Been there myself.

Be yourself. Be authentic, don't pretend to be something you're not to impress the other person or get them to like you. You don't need to 'affect' the other person. They will either like you for who you are, or they won't. If they do, great. If they don't, so what? Move on. You don't need rules or techniques. These are just tools for manipulating the situation and the other person. For manufacturing a relationship. A relationship needs to happen naturally. It cannot be forced or manufactured. That won't last. Leo has a great video on "How to be attractive". Lots of good advice there.

Firstly, I don't see rejection as failure. That's the trap many people fall in to. 'Rejection' is just a label that we attach a negative value to. It's a fact of life that things don't always work out. It doesn't mean anything bad. It just is what it is. What it is more than anything is experience. Importantly look at each situation as a learning experience. There is always something to take away. Look at why you were unsuccessful. See what you can do next time around. At the very least you gained experience of the situation - be it an interview or whatever. That experience alone holds value because you can refer to it in the future. I don't see things as 'rejections' or 'failures'. Everything is experience and has value. Even things that don't work out. Use the experience to improve yourself.

Good point. I wonder, if we didn't have language, then how would we address ourselves? How would it change our self-concept? If only we could see in to the mind of another species that has no language and see what that is like. There would be no 'I' or 'me'. Just a self-awareness. In fact how much more present and mindful would a being without language be? No inner-dialogue going on. And is this the state we are trying to pursue? I say self-awareness is inborn. But the concept of 'I' is a social construct, and a function of language.

I think before I buy something. The important questio is "Do I need it?" as apposed to "Do I like it?" or "Is it good value?" or even "Do I want it?". The way I look at it now is this: the more stuff you have the more suffering it brings. Why? Because it become more of a liability. The more you have the more you have to lose. The more you need to maintain, protect and store. The more you haveto think about. It creates stress. How much of the 'stuff' even gets more than a second glance once you have it? How long before it gets filed away and lugged around from one house to the next? How many of those "it might be useful one day.." items do you still have and never didn't become useful? I go through stuff several times a year. And I get ruthless about throwing it out. There is also huge relief you feel when you do. But most importantly I make sure that I don't replace stuff that I discard with more new stuff. Minimalism is my new philosophy. How happy does all the stuff make you anyway? Do you really need it? I have discovered that I don't and that I actually feel much happier without it all. Seems counterintuitive because society conditions us to believe that accumulation of material things benefits us. But you'ld be suprised about how much better you feel with less material acquisitions. After all, as we self-actualize we should be seeing beyond the hedonic rewards of material possession.

Seems like you could combine them both. Comedy is a useful tool as it captivates an audience. Particularly observational comedy, as people find it funny because they can relate to it. Which would be an asset if you could somehow cultivate observational comedy out of personal-development issues that people can relate to. Then use comedy in a way to portray how to actually acheive personal growth and development. I'm sure there is a genius concept in there somewhere. I for one would love to see it..

Interesting topic. I think it's possible to be both introverted and extroverted at different times. I see this in myself. Generally speaking I am quite introveted. I like alone time, am inwardly directed and not bothered about imposing myself outwardly on the world or other people. I don't feel the need to participate and engage with the situations and people around me. I am happy as a 'fly on the wall'. I'm an observer, I like to watch and listen, not always contribute. Yet, in certain situations where I am comfortable and familiar with the environment and the people I can be quite extroverted. Contribute, engage, be outwardly directed. I enjoy being social and interracting with people. I think there is a time and a place for each way of 'being'. And it is possible to be either way. Some people are chronically introverted because they lack confidence. Others just appear introverted because they choose to keep themselves to themselves - not because they aren't confident. Extroverts can be so because they crave social validation. Others can appear that way because they actively want to contribute and particiapte - not because they 'need' to be. There are all sorts of reasons why people may be one way or the other, or both. But there's no rule as to which way you should be. Unless of course you feel that there is an important, personal, reson to change in which case you can work on that in time - but you need to identify what causes you to be the way you are first. Maybe you like 'self' time and being an observer more than a participant. Nothing wrong with that. Don't become a 'social person' for the sake of it. How do you 'become' a social person? By learning how to be something you aren't? A lot of 'socialising' is just pretentious BS. Learning how to talk BS to other people who can talk BS has no real value. When I watch social interracion between people or groups I see such a lot inauthenticity. People feining interest, story topping, comming out with 'interesting' anecdotes and factoids just for the sake of it... I've come away from social settings wondering what the heck sort of value I got from it, especially as I realise what nonsense conversations were had! Always be yourself. Don't try to say or do what you think people expect you to say or do just because it prolongs the social interraction. Be genuine.

This raises a good point actually. I mean we can just sit here, find peace with reality, as it is, and eventually die. Or we can spend our lives relentlessly questioning and searching for answers and meaning in everything..and then eventually die. Either way, whatever we do, we'll die anyway. It'll all amount to nothing in the scheme of things. Don't get me wrong, science is fascinating, and it has it's uses. But sometimes I think people spend too much of their lives neurotically expending time and energy searching for answers and rearranging their circumstances, beliefs and knowledge ad infinitum.. and fail to see what is there in front of them the whole time. Rather than basking in the beauty of what is around us thay have to dismantle it, see beyond it, question and analyse it. It comes across as exhausting. At the end of the day it's all a choice what we want to pursue. Either way the outcome is the same. We only have so much time as a living entity, as a conscious-awareness. So I say why not change down a gear, start to embrace what is right under our noses and not waste quite so much time looking for what may or may not be there. Waste less time relentlessly just rearranging shit in our minds and around us, and stop, look, and appreciate reality, as it is. I came to a personal realisation recently that the world, life, reality is a beautiful thing. And that there is nothing more beyond that beauty. Conscious-awareness gives us the capability to experience that beauty for a limited time. But so few people even see it, never even realise what peace of mind feels like.

Travelling is a personal experience anyway. You don't have to converse about it with anyone. It doesn't need validating. And if people think you're weird then you're talking to the wrong person about it. I would love to travel alone. I don't think one can truly be present and mindful when having to 'accomodate' or consider other people at the same time. I find it detracts from the experience. Causes distraction. What better way is there to get in touch with your true self and to fade out the ego than by going it alone, experiencing and taking in the world without having to express your experience it to anyone else.

The Brain with David Eagleman

You don't 'push bad stuff away'. You stop seeing things as 'good' and 'bad'. Acceptance is to stop judging, labelling, questioning. To stop valuing (positive or negative). It isn't pushing things away and sweeping them under the carpet. That's because you failed to accept the situation. Yes, pushing stuff away and not confronting it will lead to depression. Accetance is facing it. Head on. And being ok with it. It happened, it was, it is, whichever. It's the stories we surround things with that try to deny that something is what it is that causes the suffering.

I see living consciously as a heightened awareness. Being aware of yourself, your thought and actions, motive. What drives you and makes you tick at any moment in time. And not just you, but the world and other people. I have an analogy for this: The car and and driver. The driver get in to the car and drives from a to b. The car serves a purpose, it provides a means and a function. The drive doesn't care how it works. He isn't even aware of it. He doesn't give it a second thought. Just does what he was taught to do to get it to operate in the way he needs to get from a to b. They don't recognise when something ins't quite right, what that noise was, why it felt odd, what needs servicing and when. When they hit some ice they don't know what is happening, why the car moves as it does and how to control it. They are unaware of the limitations of the machine and their own abilities. But imagine that someone studies engineering. They took cars apart and rebuilt them. They knew how they worked, intimately. When they get in and drive they know in their mind everything that is going on. Every sound, every vibration, feeling, They know how to interpret every motion and respond to it so if they drive over ice they can maintain control because they can 'feel' exactly what is happening. When something breaks, they know how to recognise it and fix it. When they hear that tell-tale sound they can repair the fault before it breaks down. They know how to drive efficiently and causing minimum wear to the machine. They know the limitations. The simple driver lives in ignorant, naive bliss. But as a consequence they are unaware of so much and on occasion that will come back to bite them. The engineer is totally connectied to the car, is aware of everything that is going on. He can respond to problems more effectively and consciously. It is the same with living consciously. The conscious person is more aware of the mechanics of their own mind and the world around them. Living uncosciously is a bit like operating on 'autopilot'. Being a passenger. Where as conscious people aren't the passenger. They are the pilot.

I think there are 3 ways of dealing with this: 1. You can cut the negative people out of you live, try and find more positive people to be around. Or even take time out on your own. 2. You can learn to detach from other peoples' negativity, just let it go and not engage with it. 3. You can use the other people as a 'mirror'. When they are being negative or dysfuctional you can observe their behavious and ask yourself 'In what ways do I do the same thing?" - use their behaviour as a reminder to you as to what you want to change or avoid becoming yourself. I understand your problem though. Being around negative people all the time can be a distraction and also prevent you from doing the work you need to do on yourself. Particularly if these people are imposing their dysfunctional expecations on you. Noone can tell you what to do, but you have to do what is best for you in the long term, so that you can grow and become what you want to be. That may require a change of scenary and a more healthy environment.

We are all empathic to varying degrees. It is wired in to our brains. Other creatures are too, especially noticable in dogs. There is nothing fundamentally odd or unique about this. It is just at the more intense end of the spectrum of empathy. Bit of science here: our brains have 'mirror' neurons. They are designed to mirror the emotions of others. Most people don't realise this is going one but when we are talking to another person we are subtly mirroring their facial expressions and using the sensation of that to 'feel' what they are feeling. This has been proven. It's why smiles are contagious. It gives us empathy so that we can experience what others are feeling and this compels us to help or in some way support one another emotionally. It is a function of our social evolution. So we feel the emotions and pain of others, even when it isn't real, like in a movie. This is normal. It's just that the extent to which we feel the emotions of others varies from person to person. Some people have very little empathy. You're not. You're just slightly more sensitive than most.

Why does it need exploring? Who wrote this 'need' in to a rule that we have to obey? And in our arrogant human way we believe that we own everything and have the right and obligation to impose that 'intelligence' on to reality, just because we can. Just because we can do something doesn't make it an obligation or even entitle us to do so. But our species believes that if is can do something, then it must do it...

The body you identify as yours does exists just like everything else in reality. It can register damage and the brain interprets that as pain. But the issue is that you claim that body as 'you' and as 'yours'. As though that body is you. But it's when you really investigate into this that you eventually find that the body isn't 'you' and actually you don't 'own' it. And actually, there is no existential 'you' residing within it. Sure there is a body exisitng there, but the conscious-awareness that identifies with it.. well what is that? What is the conscious-awareness made of? What does it look like? Where is it? Who is it? Interestingly, if you could take your brain out of the body and put keep it alive in a glass jar, would 'you' still be there? Thoughts would continue within that brain even with the sensory deprivation. Even if you cut pieces off the brain it would continue to function and there would still be a conscious-awareness. In fact there was a real medical case of someone who had half their brain removed (the whole left side). They continued to live a normal life, being aware, calling themself 'I' and 'me'. So is the brain 'you'? You are also identifying with being a life-form and a body. Those are just labels we humans assign to things for our own convenience. That body is no more a living being than a star in space is not a living being. They are both processes. Complex processes and systems. Interractions between matter. But we come along and start to derive value and meaning to everything where there is no inherent value or meaning. We direct our own senses back at ourselves, witness ourselves and call ourselves a body, and a self. When all we really are is a conscious awareness observing the processes of that body and brain. The awareness of our existential-experience is the only thing that is truly real to us.

There is no real right or wrong. There are just different courses of action and possibilities. Look at the longer term and the bigger picture. Imagine the two scenarios and extend them in to the future. Another thing to consider is that you struggle with the the choice because you foresee 'problems' with each option. So examine these potential problems and devise work-arounds. Take responsibility for them. It's all to easy to get overwhelmed by the potential issues and problems that may result from a particular course of action, but for each of them there is probably a solution. It's just that we tend to see a mountain of consequences that disctracts us from making a plan and taking action.

The way I get to the bottom of these dilemas is to consider how I would feel if I didn't do the thing I'm contemplating doing. So if you want to know if you're making a choice out of fear, then imagine choosing the alternative route and consider how that would make you feel - fear, anxiety etc verses the new route - comfort, security etc It's even possible that both options within the choice present fear, either way. The easiest way to identify motives when contemplating taking some action is to imagine not taking hat action and considering how you would feel about it. Usually the motives are quite obvious then.

Actually, science is based on models. So many things in science can't be seen or observed for real and as such we develop conceptual models to explain them. Science isn't fact or truth per se but more a collection of models that describe the workings of reality as we perceive them. In fact we can only do science from within our own human perspective. Afterall, nothing we experience is true reality or true fact because our very experience of all that, is through the fog of the neural nets within our brains. It's all just an interpretation of the senses. Therefore science is just a model to describe our unique interpretation of reality.