FindingPeace

Love is persistent but relationships are transient. They don't always fit in with the other things going on in life. You can work your life around a relationship at the expense of growth in other areas of your life, or you can focus on the growth at the expense of the relationship. Sometimes you can do both. Sometimes not. You may both love one another but having a relationship over long distance for a long term is not an easy thing to do. Some people may find it easier than others. But sometimes it comes at too great a cost. You have to be ok with the way you both feel and don't blame one another for the outcome. Accept the limitiations of both you and he and the relationship itself. Don't expect people to chase after you and 'prove your worth'. That is a game you shouldn't even be playing. You have to do what you have to do and if he find thats difficult to live with then you have to accpet it. It isn't about worth or proof. It's about individual people with their own emotions and world-veiws. It just may be that in this instance it doesn't work for one or both of you. That's ok. That's life.

The highlighted text is the bit that really matters. Whether or not you think you are good looking. Aesthetic appearance is fairly superficial. People actually become attracted to people for their personality, beliefs, values and world view. It seems that this is already working for you. Beauty is only part aesthetics but mostly about you as a person. And that is what matters the most.

Yes I've had my fair share of obsessive compulsive behaviours. This will sound really stupid...but: if you really want to stop the behaviours, then stop doing them! The real question is, why can't you just stop them? What feeling or thought is it that is pushing you to do them? A sense of anxiety? An uncomfortable feeling? A superstition? I decided one day that I had had enough of my behaviours. So I literally just stopped doing them. It felt uncomfortable to begin with but it gets easier with time. The way to start is this - you may find it really hard to just stop, so just tell yourself that you going to stop doing x for the next 2 minutes and do it. See how it feels. Prove to yourself that you can, actually, stop if you want to. Keep trying, regularly, to stop doing something. Increase the length of time. Tell yourself that "today I won't pull my hair but maybe tomorrow I will again.", then tomorrow try to do the same. You have the power to stop anytime you like. You can also start again anytime you like. Sometimes people find it hard to stop because they find it hard to accept that they will never do something again for the rest of their life, and in that inital moment that feels really uncomfortable and unfathomable. So understand that you have the choice to stop and start whenever you want. Ok, so it's a bit non-comittal, but if you think you can commit to it long term, then do so. But don't punish yourself if you fail at some point. Just get right back on the horse and try again. It can be done. I've cut out certain OC behaviours now for a few years. I still catch myself sometimes but for the most part I don't even think about them. You may never completely lose the urge to engage in a habit but you will get better at controlling that urge and not letting it control you.

You're doing it right. This is the point really, practicing returning your focus back from your thoughts to (in your case) your breaths. I sometimes focus on breaths but usually I try to keep my mind focussed on the present moment. Yep, thoughts keep 'hijacking' my mind and consuming my awareness but once I become aware of them I return my focus back to the present moment and try to hold it there. It's a muscle that needs flexing. The more you practice refocussing your attention on your breaths the easier it will get and the less intrusive thoughts you will have. You'll still have them though, some days more than others. Just keep doing what you're doing. After nearly a year of meditation I still get drawn away by thought stories after perhaps 10 or 20 seconds. But I find it easier to 'catch' them and return my attention. The benefits are already starting to show as I am more able to maintain focus and remain present throughout the day with less thought-stories going on. It may seem like it isn't working but it is. Stick with it.

I would suggest mindfulness next. It can actually be combined with meditation. I think the two are very closely related and conducive to one another so I would pursue those two first. Both meditation and mindfulness can be useful towards enlightenment so that I would work on later. The thing is, you can do enlightenment work at any time. It isn't always something you have to specifically sit down and concetrate hard on. You can contemplate, introspect and do self-enquiry whenever you have some 'idle' time in your mind. But for serious enlightenment work you need to get good at being 'present' and have a clear, focused mind with less monkey-chatter. So getting the meditation and midfulness down first will really help with that.

I agree with this. We can suppose that there is a reality outside of our interpretation of that reality. Afterall, what our conscious-awareness experiences is an interpretation of our sensory information processed through the fog of our neural nets. That suggests that something 'more real' exists outside of our perceptable limits, and that everything we experience is not reality itself but a sensory approximation. But the other way to look at it is this: experience itself, is reality as we know it. Afterall, our experience - that experience that the concsious-awareness is perceiving, is the only thing that is real to the conscious-awareness. So that equates to reality. Which leads to the very point: if there was no observer then there is no reality. This is why I find science so funny. It claims to be using objective, impirical observation to 'define' reality and how it works. But since our reallity is only an interpretation of the 'real' reality then all science is doing is observing and defining the interpretation as we experience it. Which is sort of silly yet, at the same time perfectly reasonable since the experiential reality is the only reality there is.

There is no sense in this line of thinking. Yes, there are 'less fortunate' people in the world. There are also always going to be more fortunate people than you. But if you choose to be less fortunate yourself because you feel guilty, then what actually changes? It does nothing to change the situation for the less fortunate people. It just makes you feel better about yourself. And these less fortunate people don't ven know you or that you are comparing yourself to them. If you were more fortunate it would make no difference to them, they won't even know about it. Even if they did, you would just be another more fortunate person like every other one. Do you think they would expect you to lower your quality of life just because you feel guilty? If they did that would be selfishness on their part. The whole concept of fortunate vs less-fortunate is all labelling anyway. No matter how fortunate you think you are it can change in the blink of an eye. It's only an illusion. It has no real meaning in reality. Things are as they are. Different people around the world live in different conditions. That's just a reality. It has always been this way and will always be. Each of us has to live our own lives independently of what else is happening in reality. But there's nothing stop us from helping or contributing to that reality. Taking steps to change it. And to do that you need be 'more fortunate' in the first place to have the leverage to make that impact. There is no point feeling guilting and limiting your own growth. It helps noone, especially yourself. It ultimately won't change the reality for the less fortunate people. It will just be you personally sitting there feeling that way. It serves no purpose. You could on the other hand even 'use' that guilt to do something constructive.

Sounds like most education systems then. Don't get me started on that one.. There's no real 'should' or 'shouldn't' with anything in life. There are no rules. There is also no way to predict the outcome of either path. You could stay on at school and get nowhere. Or perhaps become successful. Or you could leave school and start working now, get nowhere or become successful. Getting in to work can be just as rewarding as education. It gets you in to the industry and on a path. In some ways I personally believe that getting out in to the 'real world' and getting hands on experience, also becomming self-sufficient in the process is a healthy and productive course of action. Some people waste a lot on time in education because it is a nice, comfortable place to be and there's no real responsibility to face..until they leave. Getting in to work teaches you responsibility. The other thing is, in this day and age you can get back in to education any time you want. Sometimes this is a better way around to do things - get out into work and in to the world, live a little, develop a sense of self and some responsibility and then you get a better idea of what you might want to do later on. You may decide to go back to college or uni. Or you may decide to go in to business or whatever. So if you feel your best option right now is to work, then go for it. Learning and education is important, but only if you are learning something that is constructive to you personally and you have chosen to pursue. You may not even know what that is right now. Learning for the sake of learning can end up being a waste of time and resource that you could have otherwise been using in a more constructive way like working and gaining life experience.

It is true that external things don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't or can't have them. It mearly highlights that your current belief system is chasing these things thinking it will make a difference to your happiness, fulfillness and peace of mind. The important thing to understand is that the external things won't make you happy or fulfilled. So it can help direct you to stop pursuing such things or perhaps start looking elsewhere for the results that you want. You can still have external things, just realise the limitations of them and the faulty belief that they hold value. The thing that most people are pursuing in life, and don't even realise this, is peace of mind. External, material things, can provide short-term excitement, stimulation of pleasure but it doesn't last. You have to keep it up, keep on aquiring, keep on experiencing, keep on working for these external things to maintain that sense of 'happiness'. But excitement, pleasure and stimulation are not the same as happiness or peace of mind. They are only 'quick fixes'. Like a drug. Happiness and peace of mind come from within, not from without. They are a state of mind. The real work needs to be done on the inside. The mistake we all make is believing that the external things will create this inner peace. They don't. The real value comes from the mindsets and attitudes we hold internally. And addressing them directly. The problem is that external stuff is easier and quicker to aquire and gives an instant gratification. But inevitably doesn't last. The inner work takes longer and is harder to do. But far more worth it. How do you do the inner work and get the peace of mind? You need to unwire the faulty beliefs that are currently driving your life. The social conditioning, the childhood conditioning, the bullshit that the media portrays. If you watch most of Leo's videos, especially some of the earlier ones he gives you the mindsets that will point you in the right direction, particularly his videos on 'happiness'.

I see 'consciousness' and 'awareness' as much the same thing. So to me, consciousness work relates to raising you levels of awareness of things like your thoughts, motivations, the mechanisms that play within you and other people. Becomming more aware of the dynamics of society, and reality etc. The reason why people need to do self-development is because, like most of us, they come from a 'low-conscious' perception of life. They are caught up in the illisions and bullshittery that we all start out believing and living by, and ultimately resulting in unsatisfactory lives. So by raising awareness, raising our consciousness to see beyond that, we can start to take real control of our lives and work towards gaining better results, getting more peace of mind and working towards enlightenment. Here's an analogy for it: imagine you're on a ride through life. As a passenger you have no real control or understanding of the vessel you are travelling in. You sit there and look out of the window facing whatever comes. Believing that that is all you can do. But what if you became the driver? You would have a greater control and better understand of what was happening. You would have an awareness you never had before and an ability to understand what was happening, why it was, and be able to do something about it. Most people are passengers in iife. The passenger has lower-consciousness. By doing consciousness work you can become the driver of your life.

You don't need to ask for an improved mind. Follow the concepts that Leo has covered over the last couple of years, do the inner work, and you will have versions 2 and 3 of your mind. You can upgrade the software any time you like.

I watched something about this on a tv documentary recently. Very interesting. Isn't it a cause of 'alien hand syndrome' where on side of the brain tries to assert itself over the other, maybe by using an arm to hit the body and demand control while the other side of the brain is using verbal reasoning etc

Also in the UK here..

The concept of no free will actually helps to reduce suffering. Particularly suffering concerned with the past. How many of us have looked back and thought 'what if' and 'if only' and 'it could have been like this' or 'why did that happen'? Sitting around feeling depressed and sorry about the wrong choices we made or the shit that happened. But when you realise that everything that happened was always going to happen the way it did, because there is ultimately no way to change what happens, then you let go off the 'alternative' possiblilies that you think could have been and take responsibility for where you are at right now. Free will is an illusion but it doesn't mean that because we don't really have it then we stop doing anything. It does, however, mean that we need to be more accepting of the reality that happens to us, and stop questioning what we can't change or control. Everything that happens to us in life, happens the way it does. There is no other way. Our futures aren't known to us but what happens is exactly what will happen. There will be no choice in it, even though we spend every day 'making choices'. Reality is a chain reaction of cause-and-effect events. Even our own thougts, decision, actions and our whole lives. Just cause-and-effect giving more cause-and-effect. Even a simple desicion is not open to 'free will' because it is 'made' based on evidence that points to the most effective and beneficial cause of action. The course of action you were always going to take, because it's the course of action you do take.

We're not supposed to believe in anything in particular. There are no rules or obligations in life other than the fundmental ones of survival. But also understand what a 'belief' is. A belief is not 'truth'. It is something we think of or assume as true but we can't prove or experience directly. If we could experience something directly it is no longer a belief, it is a truth. Truth is absolute, impirical. Belief is just an abstract concept in your mind, it is subjective. In Leo's video about the truth behind all human knowledge he explains how we need to start reducing our 'beliefs' and move towards truths. So I guess that's where your question comes in. What do we believe in? I say we should believe that we need to believe less, and experience more truth. Look at other sentient lifeforms and consider what they believe in. Do they even have the ability to 'believe' in anything or do they just work with direct truth as they experience it? This is somethiing I find myself wondering.

Interestingly physical beauty is proportional to the person's inner beauty too. Like the personality and behaviour. So you may find them less attractive because you are finding other aspects of her less attractive.

It seems a bit counterintuitive going to meet women in an environment that isn't your thing. Surely you would meet more appropriately suited women in an environment that is your thing?

There is another term for 'neediness'. It's 'insecure'. However there are 2 ways of dealing with it. One is to find out why you 'need' something and fix the problem yourself at the heart. The other way is to get someone else to 'fix' it by having them fill the 'hole' within you. Real growth verses fake growth. Why do you need love/sex? And what does 'love' mean to you? True love isn't something you need, it is something you give.

Google the 'Drake equation'.. it will tell you how to calculate the probability of other intelligent lifeforms within the universe.

I've been thinking about this topic throughout the day and one thing that I want to reitterate is this: from within the relative comfort of a relationship is is far easier for people to tiptoe around and accomodate one another's issues than it is to face up to and work on those issues directly. This is a trap that many people fall in to. I've been there myself. It is worth being mindful of this as it can be very sneaky. Consider this analogy: a child fears there are monsters under his bed. Before he can sleep he asks his father to check. His father checks and confirms that there are no monsters and the child goes to sleep. This action does nothing to address the child's fear. To do that the child needs to get down there and check under his own bed himself. Which is easier? Getting someone to 'alleviate' the fear for you by taking some action that makes you feel better, or actually taking action yourself to address the issue? It's very easy to think you are taking action to 'fix' something when in fact all you are doing is 'enabling' the continuation of something, be it a fear or insecurity or whatever. So you have to be very aware of the cause and effect of actions and what is true growth verses fake growth - as Leo's latest video discusses. Edit to add: Most relationships are based on this 'alleviation' of insecurity rather than any real 'repair' work. This leads to co-dependency which is effectively a relationship based upon the dependence of this alleviation from one another. It leads to unhealthy and dysfunctional dynamics because it is almost impossible to consitently maintain the 'supply' of comfort that each others sunconsciously needs. Ineveitably this results in tension and strain. It becomes a relationship based on fear and anxiety.

Good realisation to have. Negative thoughts are a downer. We can all do it unaware of the effect it has.

That's a difficult question to answer. I have faced this dilema in my own relationship. Nobody likes being told that they 'need to do work' as it is taken as a judgment and a criticism. Afterall, they have no reason to take your word for it. In their eyes you are not an expert on their life. In my experience, even if people listen to you initially, the work is too hard and scary for them to take on and they will not take it seriously. They will slip back in to old patterns. OR, they will 'try' to adjust their behaviour to suit you, but that is only a role-play. It doesn't get to the heart of the matter and it won't last either. I don't really have an answer as to how you can help her because I have learned that people can only volunteer to do inner-work if they see for themselves that they need to. Talking is a good start. Talking about problems that are comming up between you, asking her to open and and opening up back to her. If you can show her that you are open to exposing your inner insecurities then she may trust you enough to do the same. If she suffers from depression then perhaps you can tentatively encourage her to talk to you about that. But you can't 'get' people to talk. And not everyone is comfortable talking about inner issues. It takes a huge amount of trust and understanding before people will open up to you. You need to show that you trust her equally with your own inner issues. You have to realise there is no quick fix to this. It can take a long time to work on these issues and there is no guarantee of success. Which is why I always recommend you focus on your own inner-work because you can spend a very long time fixating on the other person who may never actually make any progress. You have no control over their healing process. Only yours. Either way, you have to continue with your own progress regardless.

I like this idea. It has occured to me before. Perhaps there is another conscious awareness that is only aware of the subconscious brain activity. That's a pretty cool idea. The thing that reinforces this concept is when we witness people who have been hypnotised, are unconscious of their actions yet are able to function as thought they are fully conscious. It does ask the question whether our unconsciousness has some awareness that is not connected to 'our' higher-level consciousness.

Something I noticed in conversations is just how often other people say really silly or nonsensical things. So there's no point worrying about it, everyone does it. Even awkward silences aren't really a problem . Happens to everyone. Conversation is only awkward if you think it is. Otherwise, it is just conversation. Whatever form it takes.

To this day I look in the mirror and don't really see 'me'. I see a body standing there looking back at me. But I've never truly identified with it. Very weird feeling.