FindingPeace

I think the use of the word 'happiness' is a misdirection. It means different things to different people. And most of the time people complete miss the point of what is being implied by the word anyway. I would rather replace the word with "peace of mind" and suddenly the contexts within which it is used, suddenly take on a whole different meaning. What is 'peace of mind'? Neither negative or positive moods. No stress or anxiety. Just contentment. Peace. That, I think, is the truth definition of 'happiness' and 'fulfilment'.

It's very easy to dwell in the past when the present isn't as satisfying. But you have to accept the fact that the past doesn't exist anymore. It is only a story that you like to keep telling yourself because it comforts you. But it also creates this pain for you because you end up longing for the story to be true again. Which it can't. It can never be. It's also a form of procrastination. Sitting around reminiscing about what once was, is not doing anything constructive now. The key point here is that your present circumstances are not satisfying you. If they were, you wouldn't be caught up remembering the story of 'better times' from the past. So ultimately you are not being creative in your life. One of the beautiful things about life is that you are not bound by the linear 'narrative' that you think of as your life story. In fact, you can end a chapter and start a new one any time you like. Right now, you can begin a new story. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Or whenever. It's your choice. But realise that you can start creating the next chapter of your life at any moment. And you can choose to make this new chapter as satisfying as any previous one. So there are two answers here: firstly be grateful of the past that you had. If you had good times, then be appreciative that you had that. Feel peace and gratitude that you had that experience. Secondly, now start creating the next experience of your life. What will it be? It can be anything. So focus your energy on creating the next chapter of your life. Once you start focussing you will be less inclined to contemplate the past, and hopefully more excitied about the future. But also, be accepting of the present moment too. Life is ultimately an experience. Or an infinate collection of experiences. Some are nice, some are not so nice. But ultimately an experience is only real in the moment. So learn to be appreciative of the present moment, especially when it is being rewarding. And once the moment becomes a memory, retain that gratitude that you had for that experience. Instead of living in a world of 'lack', we should learn to be more grateful. Nothing in life is permament so we can't expect our experiences of life to be so. So rather than mourning the loss of the 'good' experiences, we should savour the appreciation that we had the good experience in the first place. And savour every experience, particularly in the present moment. And remember that every experience is only a transient thing.

I totally understand what you're saying here. So it could be that our bodies would continue to function without the need for our conscious-awareness of the experience of it. Sort of like sleepwalking. In fact our brains are capable of carrying out fairly normal every-day tasks purely using the subconscious and not the conscious. Yes. But the illusion of self is comming from the mechanisms of the brain in the first place. Well this suggests that the image is 'generated' at all. It brings in to question what conscious-awareness even is. Perhaps the image isn't gernerated, it just exists as electrical signals in the brain. But somehow 'we' percieve an image of those signals. But where is that image? Considering that the functions of most of our brain are unconscious, this is quite likely. We are not aware of the majority of our brain functions. We can't control our heart beat directly, or our nervous-system, or our immune system. Most of the brain is busy running our body and interpreting reality via the senses. 'We' are only aware of a tiny proportion of it. Mostly just the virtual-reality of our interpretation of reality. There would really be a 'we'. I mean, 'who' are you when you are asleep? Your body carries on living and your brain functioning, yet where are 'you'? I'll have to consult my brain.. it's the one doing the thinking, not 'me'.

I agree. In fact as long as two people share a meaningful connection, the circumstances and practicalities of the relationship are not so important. Relationships do not have to be 'defined' by some set of criteria, actions or circumstances. Sometimes they can 'just be' in a way that is meaningful and profound. Perhaps if we didn't try to label these things and fit them in to a 'norm' then we can allow relationships to develop naturally within whatever context works for people concerned. Regardless of the 'type' and nauture of relationships, there are always natural rewards to be found and people should concentrate on those rather than looking for the rewards that are not present. Connections with people are very beautiful when allowed to just 'be' and not forced to conform to some specification.

Maybe not. But this isn't actually a problem. And you aren't worthless just because one person isn't reciprocating your interest. There is a fundamental truth in life that most of us seem to forget: there will be people that want a relationship with us, and people that don't. And either way is not a problem. The only problem is when we idolise and obsess over one person in the belief that they are the only one. And as has already been mentioned, this can be caused by a lack of abundance in your life, or it can be the result of having too much unsatisfying time on your hand such that you are not only looking for something uplifting, but also that you have so much time to sit thinking about it. The latter issue being caused by not investing more energy in to creating a generally more satisfying life. It's very easy to look to relationships to bring some 'cheer' in to our lives when everything else feels lacking.

There is a fundamental issue with long-distance relationships and that is that it is difficult to know what the other person is thinking, feeling and doing because you are not in direct contact. So you end up spending time inventing stories about what might be happening and why. This highlights my main point here. And this applies to all relationships and especially long-distance ones where regular contact is limited. The point is this: communication. The only way people in a relationship can understand exactly where they stand is by communicating with one another. Open, honest, communication. There should never be any doubt in a healthy relationship. There should be no need to guess what is going on or what the other person is thinking. No uncertainty or anxiety. Regular, open communication will always keep you in the picture provided that you both are comfortable enough to not only express yourselves and your concerns but also to hear what each other says. The very fact that you are comming on to this forum to ask random strangers about the nature of your relationship highlights that you do not have an open channel of communication with this woman. Otherwise you would be writing this question to her. As always, communicate. If you find yourself guessing or talking to anyone else except for your girlfirend, then there already some warning signs that things aren't right. Where's No. 4? Communication. People seem to forget this one a lot. And it's probably the most important thing of all in any kind of relationship.

Maybe there is a 'one' or maybe there isn't. But how can you ever be sure? You would have to live out your entire life with the 'one' in order to find out if they truly were the 'one'. Because otherwise, what if they were the 'one' and then one day they left? What then? Will there be another 'one' to find that won't ever leave? I always find it amusing when people keep finding the one only to realise that they weren't the one. How many 'ones' can one find in one's lifetime? What defines the 'one'?

I don't really think that logic is at the heart of enlightenment. Logic relies on a set of rules. That would imply that the enlightened mind works in accordance with a set of rules. This set of logical rules would seem to me to be a belief system. Enlightenment is not a belief system. The enlightened mind is not a robot. If anything, the enlightened mind works on less belief, less logic and more with 'what is'. With truth. Truth and logic are not related. Logic is entirely an arbitrary ruleset. A subjective one at that.

I think there is a misinterpretation going on here. Detachment is not the same as avoidance or staying away from something. You can still engage in things in life without the attachement. Do they have value or meaning? Maybe not in the grand scheme of things. But that doesn't preclude you from having these experiences. And some of these experiences can be had or used in more meaningful ways than most people have or use them. So perhaps understanding how to get better value out of them would be more appropriate than trying to cut them out of our lives altogether. It's not actually these pursuits that are inherently a problem. It's the way in which people pursue them that is. And in any case, attachment is a fairly inherent mechanism of the human mind. In itself it's not actually 'wrong'. I can cause problems for us, sure. But one thing I have learned is that it isn't forming attachments that is the biggest problem. It's not accepting or taking responsibility for our attachments and the consequeces of them that are the main issues. I went through a phase during my inner development where I started to have this inclination to run away and avoid all of the potential unhealthy pursuits in life. Then I realised that that isn't true inner development. That's actually fake growth. While it can be constructive to build your life away from certain distractions and dysfunctional situations, there's also nothing inherently wrong with enjoying some of the things even if, in the long run, they hold no inherent value. In fact many of these things can be quite rewarding when pursued with the right, responsible, mindset. Money can be used to seek out the things we value most in life. Work can be enjoyable and also be a source of that money. More to the point, it's realising how much money and work we really need. Money is only a problem when you become obsessed with having as much of it as possible. But how about you look at it differently? How much do you need for the things you value most in life? And how much work do you really need to do to get it? Socialising, relationships, intimacy, talking, hedonic pursuits.. sure we can all list reasons why these things cause suffering in our lives. But looked at from a different perspective each of these things can be things of beauty and pleasure in their own valid rights. The key is not being dependent on them. Not getting attached to them. And taking responsibility for it when we do. I agree that mainstream society is not a particularly functional place to be. But you don't have to engage with it. And I will probably find a way to live away from it in the future. But the goal of personal growth isn't to become a monk living in a cabin in the mountains. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But to me the goal is to be able to live live with awareness and responsibility whatever we choose to engage in.

What is a decision? Chosing from a list of outcomes. Why would be paralyzed by a decision? Because you can't see the benefit of any single outcome over another. After all, this is at the heart of decision making: chosing the outcome that will serve you the most. If you can't see an outcome that will serve you any more than any other outcome, then you have no idea what you really want. Either all outcomes serve you equally (in which case just pick one), or none of them serve you at all. Either way, you need to know what you want. I think people get paralyzed also because they are trying to make decisions based on 'logic' and external presures, more than on intuition and desire. And also because you are probably trying to 'force' outcomes to fit the options available. Get more in touch with your desires and intuition. Then there will not be any confusion or paralysis. You are most likely stuck because you are making decisions based on society, peer pressure, 'should' thoughts and everything else external to you. And fundamentally none of that stuff actually serves your inner desires so you have no guiding compass as to which way to go. There is an incongruency between what you want and what you think you should do. Sometimes you need to be more subjective rather than objective when making decisions.

To appreciate the present moment.

Practice being totally accepting, non-judgmental and non-critical of the person. Practice not wanting or needing from that person. Allow them to be who they are for their own benefit and stop wanting them to be anything for your own benefit. Recognise them as their own seperate being with their own right to 'be'. They are not there for your sake, they exist for their own sake. Support and nurture them and help them be the best version of themselves. And be prepared to let them go if that is what is best for them.

I love this. I couldn't have put it better. The whole concept of 'selfishness' was born out of selfishness in the first place. Only a selfish person can accuse another of being selfish. The whole thing falls apart when you start to dig in to it and it becomes an unresolvable paradox. It is a something that, once you see the ridiculousness of it, ceases to exist as a concept to you anymore. It becomes liberating.

Just let people have their views and opinions. Most of the time it is of no consequence to your life anyway. If it becomes harmful in some way, then that may be the time to challenge it. But otherwise, just let it be. It's not your job to go around 'correcting' people to your own paradigms. Worry about your own life and be busy creating it such that you don't have the time or inclination to concern yourself with other people's lives. It seems to me that people who have the time to correct, criticise and judge and argue with others, aren't busy enough looking inward at their own life and their own business.

You could try to twist his meaning in to some excuse, or perhaps he means exactly what he said.. There is nothing particularly unreasonable about this. Maybe he is that insecure and anxious about hurting people. In which case, he might not be capable of having a healthy relationship anyway. These sorts of hangups will manifest themselves in dysfunctional ways as the realtionships develops. Either waym whether it is an 'excuse' or a 'reason', it's indicative of some issues he has with forming healthy relationships. Which is something to be wary of. You may decide that you can 'help' or 'fix' him.. but again be very careful of this. I feel that he has some inner work to do before he is ready for an authentic relationship. At least he is open and honest enough to tell you this at the outset. I would give him credit for that. He can do friends with benefits.. you can go along with that, but just be careful of how things develop, because if things start to look too much like a relationship (if you start coming on stronger and more enthusiastic) then he may just walk away. If he does, don't hold it against him. It is ultimately your choice to pursue some form of relationship with him, and he has warned you of his concerns. So don't be surprised if those concerns become reality at some point.